a love story

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/story_pages/news/news1.shtml

EXCLUSIVE: Truth about 55-hour marriage
Britney was my sex-mad bride
By Jane Atkinson and Carole Aye Maung

BRITNEY SPEARS bedded her childhood sweetheart "like an animal", then wrecked his life with a 55-hour marriage that stunned the world. Now, in a world exclusive interview, husband Jason Alexander details every moment of the sex, the proposal, their Vegas wedding and his humiliation as furious family and lawyers prised them apart.

"We made love in her bed, her shower and her bath," said Jason, 22. "She asked me to marry her but when her lawyers demanded I end our marriage she didn't stop them—and it caused chaos in my life."

Jason revealed that Britney proposed to him as she lay naked in his arms. And she was so excited when he said "Yes", she rushed him down the aisle without stopping to put her knickers on. As he opened his heart, Jason also told how multi-millionairess Britney:

MADE LOVE to him so frantically that they fell off the bed.
PLAYED erotic sex games with him under a shower, but
SHUFFLED silent and shamefaced as her marriage was ended, and later,
CHANGED her mobile phone number so he couldn't even talk to her.
"I didn't tell the world about this before because I still hoped we'd get back together," said Jason. "But I now realise she won't come back to me."

Britney, also 22, is now planning to marry new fiance Keith Federline, 26, after he left his heavily-pregnant partner Shar Jackson.

Thong

But Jason, who grew up with Britney in Kentwood, Louisiana, knows no marriage will be as bizarre as the one he went through. Taking up the story of the days before their wedding last January, he recalled:

"Even though she'd made it big, she still came back to Kentwood. We'd kissed but that's as far as it had gone.
"Then, last Christmas Eve she came up to my place and asked if I wanted to go to Las Vegas for the New Year with some of her friends. I said yes."

Once in Vegas, Britney paid for them all to stay in the MTV-themed Real World suite at the Palms Casino Hotel.

"We all went out to a lobster dinner and Britney looked sensational in jeans and a black halter-neck top," he said.

It was 4am by the time they went back to their hotel suite and made love for the first time.

"We knew what was going to happen," he said. "Britney started stripping off her clothes as she walked into the suite. Then we started kissing.
"She got down to just her black thong and a see-through lace bra. I've never seen a woman look more stunning.

Moans

"I wanted to make love to her and she wasn't shy in showing what she wanted. We started off in the bedroom kissing. She was good at that—she was good at everything. She was an animal in bed.
"We were both hot so I led her into the bathroom. There was a huge shower head that sent water down on to us as though it was rain. We stripped off competely and got into the shower and Britney performed oral sex on me as the water ran down over both of us.
"Afterwards I led her back into the bedroom. At first she was on top of me and then I was on top. We did it every way you could. But it wasn't cheap. I really cared about her and it felt right.
"At times she was noisy. She didn't call me any names, she just moaned. We didn't use any precautions either."

After sex they fell asleep in each other's arms.

"I woke up and was really aroused again," said Jason. "Britney was asleep but when I tried it on with her she didn't hold back. She said she wanted to be with me and I told her I wanted to be with her.
"She said she wanted me to go with her on tour. I thought she was vulnerable and wanted to take care of her."

During the day, Britney and her friends went to the hotel spa while Jason chatted with her bodyguards.

"When she got back I was in the bath," he said. "She came in, stripped off and got into the tub with me. First we were scrubbing each other. Then she got on top of me and we had sex. She was a natural, with the most fantastic a*** I've ever felt. She was proud of her body and she often just wandered around with nothing on."

The following night it was off to Planet Hollywood for dinner.

He said: "Britney wanted to stay out and I wanted to go to bed, so she made me promise that if I made love to her all night we could go back to the room.
"The sex was mind-blowing and rough. We did it in every position you could think of. It was so wild we managed to fall off the bed together."

There was more sex the next night. "This time I remember she was wearing a beautiful purple and pink set of underwear," said Jason. "Afterwards, we were chatting in bed, cuddled up and naked, saying we didn't want the trip to end when she said, ‘I want to ask you something but I don't know how to'.

"I told her she could ask me anything. She acted really shy and said, ‘Will you marry me?'
"I said yes and she jumped out of bed, flung her jeans on and yelled, ‘Let's do it now'. She was ecstatic. She didn't even put her panties on in the rush as she slipped on her jeans. We ran downstairs and jumped into the hotel limo. I'll never forget saying, ‘Take us to the nearest chapel—we're getting married'."

What happened next—in the early hours of Saturday, January 3—left her millions of fans agog.

"The first chapel open was The Little White Chapel," added Jason. "We were kissing and holding hands. We knew we were doing the right thing.
"When we got there they said we needed a marriage licence so we had to go to a court house that was open 24 hours.
"As we walked in a couple pointed at Britney and said, ‘You look just like that girl off the TV that sings'. I turned round and said, ‘Do you really think that chick would marry a man like me?'
"Britney and I giggled our heads off. We got the certificate and rushed back to the chapel. I paid the 700 dollars for the best package they could do. Britney picked it. We had flowers, video, a photographer, a pianist and a registrar. I said she should walk down the aisle on her own but Britney wanted to be traditional and so she asked the limo driver if he'd do the honour.
"I think he was a bit gobsmacked, but he did it.

I remember her walking towards me and we looked into each other's eyes. We knew there was something special between us. As we said our vows we held hands, it meant a lot to both of us.

"The registrar said I could kiss the bride and it was the most special kiss of my life.
"She kept saying how happy she was but when we got back to the room her friends didn't congratulate us, they just looked shocked."

The newlyweds went into their suite and celebrated with Cristal champagne and talked about a honeymoon to the Carribean island of Nevis.

Jason added: "I remember saying, ‘Your name isn't Spears now, it's Alexander'. We had a spiritual connection. We knew we should be together.
"We'd married just after 4am and by 7am we knew we had to phone our families. It was horrendous.
"Britney phoned her mum and I heard Lynne screaming back at her. She went nuts.

Shattered

"Her brother rang and I spoke to him. He talked about annulment. I didn't know what the word meant so I didn't say anything.
"I rang my dad and at least he was fine. Britney told me to ignore her family and wanted us to run away on honeymoon straight away but we were so shattered we went to bed."

Neither the bride nor the groom had any idea of the storm that was about to engulf them.

Peck to passion

BRITNEY and Jason first met in Kentwood when they were both four. Her mum Lynne ran the local Little Rod pre-school. Jason smiled: "There was a group of us that met up and would play together and go down to Hyde Park, a waterhole where we'd swim." When Britney (pictured right at eight) joined TV's Mickey Mouse Club then became a singer Jason saw less of her but they still met up at least twice a year.

"When she came home we'd all get together," he explained. "I remember seeing her in the summer of 2000. She was with Justin Timberlake in the gym. I didn't speak to him but she came over and we chatted."

In October 2002 Britney returned to Kentwood. "This time we went to stay with her cousin in Baton Rouge and that's when we kissed for the first time," he said. "We were talking in her room and she kissed me softly. Then she straddled me and started kissing more passionately. I thought about sex but didn't pursue it, even though she wasn't with Justin then."

Last Christmas, Britney was back in town. She, Jason and a few pals persuaded a local club owner to open just for them.

"We played some of Britney's songs," he said. "And she danced with the rest of us.
"Later she came on to me again and kissed me. She has the most seductive puppy-dog eyes when she flirts with you.
"That's when she invited me to Vegas."

And his life would never be the same again.
-----------------------------
[inset]
RED HOT: 'She was a great lover'
THAT'S TORN IT: The newly weds
STILL HURTING: Jason today
PLENTY OF BED-ROOM: Real suite
DOORS TO LOVE: White Chapel
IN THE PINK: Britney cavorts on a beach. 'I'll remember our wedding night sex for ever' says Jason

Her family kicked me out of her life

NEW bride Britney and her husband Jason consummated their marriage with "amazing" lovemaking—just minutes before her furious family barged in to wreck their lives as husband and wife. And as the Spears cosseted Britney, Jason was kicked out of her life with the sneering indignity of an economy-class ticket back to his home town.

"That first time we made love in our hotel suite as a married couple was amazing," he said. "It was more special and sensual than before.
"I'll remember it for the rest of my life. There was more emotion than we had felt, more connection.
"We didn't really have to strip off because Britney didn't have any underwear on.

Ruin

"It wasn't just sex, it was really deep. Afterwards we fell asleep in each other's arms."

But they awoke with a start to hammering on the door.

Jason explained: "Her brother was there with all her people. He whisked Britney into another suite and I was left with the rest of them.
"The Spears family and her business team were taking over our marriage. It happened so quickly. Next her lawyers walked in.
"Britney and her brother came back in and he said we couldn't be married, it was wrong. Then one of her team said I was ruining her career, that her tour would be wrecked and her ticket sales lost. Britney and I just stood on different sides of the room and didn't speak to each other.
"They spread a load of papers on the desk and said if I cared about Britney I'd sign them.
"It was unreal, I wanted the best for her, I wanted to be married to her, but it was as though they were just taking everything over. I was on my own. Britney didn't say anything.
"I just looked at her, she looked away, then I signed them, I didn't know what I was signing. My dad wasn't there.
"The only person I cared about in that room was Britney and they said if I didn't sign it, I was ruining her career. I had no choice and Britney didn't stop me. I signed them under duress."

The annulment papers stated Britney "lacked understanding of her actions...They did not know each other's likes and dislikes, each other's desire to have or not have children, and each other's desires as to the state of residency."

The papers added that the newlyweds realised they were incompatible.

Crying

The annulment officially took place on Monday, January 5. By then they had been married for 55 hours. But that night, convinced he could still save some part of his now ex-wife, Jason went to the dinner from hell with Britney, her brother, her friends and her staff. "It was awful," he said.

"I sat down next to her, she was crying. Everyone else was laughing about what we had done as though it was a big joke. We were treated like kids.
"I was hurt that she didn't stand up and say she wanted to be married to me. Her mum kept on ringing and saying we were acting like 12-year-olds. It was horrible.
"Towards the end of the meal her brother came over with a plane ticket and said I had to go home.
"Britney gave me a hug and a kiss and that was it."

Thoughts while on Amtrak, after Paris

We're almost in NYC and I'm staring at the infrastructure of NJ marveling at how uniformly ugly bridges and roads and the other things they put over lakes and hills and pastures are all over the world. I just saw the same scene in Paris, and you could repeat it in Hong Kong, Manila, Italy.

We are going past a bridge in New Jersey. How long will it stay up? When it is ready to come down in a century or so, will they take pictures of it? If they care enough about it I'm sure the city will send a photographer to take shots of it and a local historian to dig up stories about the bridge and make a whole show of it. Though when it really comes down to it, no one really gave a damn about that ugly old bridge until it came down.

Now I'm thinking about a foldable roof that collapses and expands over us like a gigantic bell jar, as wide and large as a town.

I'm on Trading Spaces with Bobby. He is standing in the middle of my room, directing someone to do something. Later I see mom setting the table somewhere. All of a sudden I am applying to college, writing upbeat essays (I wrote a very depressing one for undergrad). Then mom tells me she has money to give me for an apartment - $2 Million. So we start calling up agents, and asking others if they have happen to have a list of agents they could recommend us. We see some interesting places that look rather gothic, made of stone, in the center of a town. Then I found out Carlito from the church is now a real estate agent.I was embarrassed to call him but did anyway. He shows us some apartments on the fringe of town.

I'm petting and massaging a pug. But it is a quite large for a pug though he is lying on my lap. The pug jumps off of me - because he's too big to pet, he is uncomfortable w/my massage.

I am looking at a 15 year old boy wait in line. He sees me from afar, and recognizes me as his soul mate. We fall in love. His mother is there. Then we're talking in their family's kitchen. The mother is upset with me and reveals to the boy that I am too old for him. The boy turns to me for confirmation and I say my age. I tell him he must wait until he's of age. He says he'll wait for me. Later he keeps his promise.

I am in a Holton parking lot later, not sure why.

disney world & britney dream

mom and tita marilou had tickets to go see to a Britney Spears concert at disney world. they went ahead and grabbed the seats. jj and i went to join them and took an elevator up - it was many floors. when we got there, tita m and mom were waiting in line and we realized we left dad and ted behind. jj was annoyed because we had wasted so much time already.

we got back to the elevator banks but when the doors opened we saw that there was a river. people were getting on wooden rafts and other vehicles. i got into a big round raft that had a foot of water in it and 30 people already sitting in it. but the water didn't touch me - it was frozen, like gel, at my feet. then one of the guy passengers decided to try and flip the raft over for fun. i was pissed. when we all flipped into the water, i grabbed the raft and held on to it. one of the guys asked me if i did not know how to swim, and i said of course i did, but that it was stupid to flip the raft. i was very annoyed.

finally we're all back at the theater. mom and tita m had decided to take some better, empty seats. mom and i got to sit together while jj, dad, tita m and ted kept looking for seats. i was happy to be sitting with mom.

the plant dream (from nov 20th)

Some men were building a garden where I grew up. They dug a big pit that used to be a house, and I saw a room in it with some friends right before the dig. it was part of Holton, my old school. They filled the pit with sand and offered us to be part of it if we contributed something. I decide to go buy more sand for my portion, and caught a ride with some guys in a big truck to the garden. I see some children prancing down the garden with tools and plants to grow in the sand. I get annoyed because of that, and because the workers say I should have brought my own plants like the children, not more sand because they have tons of that. Plus I can't catch a ride home with them b/c they're busy with the garden. It's too long a walk home.

Later I dream of just having my own tomato plant in my kitchen. It grows really nicely. It looks so cute and pretty in my kitchen, and I'm excited that I can eat my own tomatoes because I use and eat them in all kinds of favorite foods. I see a worm on a plate wriggling, nowhere near the tomato. I smash it with my tomato and wash it off. I think about buying more seeds, but of the nice chic variety from the market on 77th. Then I look at my tomato plant and see a hot pepper plant in place of it. It's wierd because I never wanted a pepper plant in the first place. I have no use for it, never cook with it. It has no fruit on it, but instead has the roots coming out of the soil (like my orchid now). I pull on stems buried in the soil, thinking I can make the plant look better, and instead i'm surprised when they turn out to be roots. As they come out, the parts that were buried are covered with tomato sauce. I'm confused because I'm wondering why it has to come out like that. Now I have messed up the plant and it looks ugly and jacked, not cute or pretty.

-My interpretation: I think the sand garden is my past, and my buying more sand is my not getting over bitterness about that past, simply wanting to add more "sand" rather than growing from the past. It's frustrating and useless. The fruit is about my future. I could choose to do something that will be incredibly fruitful, so much that I can smash undesirable things that attempt to stop me. Nothing will stop me. Or I could choose to do something I don't want to really do, and at the roots of that effort will only be a little bit of the things I really love to do. And it will not bear any fruit, although it will still be a strong plant otherwise.

Interesting that susan said the trials from the past few years will contribute to my future in helping somehow.

rainbow way

i was hanging with this girl who was a filipina jenny bates. she was the daughter of the filipino president, some man, who i was talking with about various things. all while we were bullshitting jenny kept looking more and more overwhelmed.

we went back to my friend's place, where she had this colorful pad full of crazy knick knacks. it felt like a druggy dorm room. jenny told me that she was freaking out because she couldn't find the things we were saying inspiring - instead she saw kept seeing ghosts and other spiritual things. i said that i dealt with them by seeing them as simply humans but without bodies, who were really just like you or me.

she went out of the room to where my friend nicola was hanging out. nicola rushed into the room and told me how she had a "rainbow way" with my friend moses and some japanese girls. they had met up at some new year's eve party, while i had been sitting alone chilling at home (j was away performing). she asked me i knew what that "rainbow way" was but of course it was obvious. she also told me how one of the club performers, dressed in red vinyl, warned that she would gross her out, and she dragged nicola under a table and said "i love your ass!" smacking her on the butt. well of course nicola thought that was not gross at all - she thought it was hilarious. so she did the same thing to her.

we walked back into the room and jenny was wrapped up in blankets on some chairs, shaking. i touched her head then walked back to nicola, giving the "she's crazy" sign. nicola yelled, "thank you!" the end.

very interesting, j

j was in a hotel conference room watching a film with a group of people from a hospital. this old middle eastern guy gets wheeled in on a gurney, and j notices he's buck naked with everything hanging out. j also noticed that the guy's genitals were rather large.

j thought that the guy might have some kind of legitimate problem, like perhaps his skin was too sensitive to be covered with sheets. then the guy's thing started growing larger and larger. as it did he made all these lewd comments to the women there and laughing at everyone.

then it shifted to later on... everyone was saying, "did you hear about when the police came to arrest him? he jizzed all over them!!!"

(j and i were cracking up hilariously at the last part all morning)

movie

i was dating a mafia guy and he asked me to climb a tower holding a spring tension rod. he was trying to save his father and somehow this was vital to saving the guy. there were a few small metal rings that kept falling out, so i put them on my fingers, all while holding onto this antenna on top of the tower, a fists' grasp from death. i was wearing a white gown. i was also in a movie theater at the same time, and could see four screens showing me on the tower as part of the movie. i looked down and it looked like thousand of feet down but i told myself that it was a set and that it was in fact only about twenty feet with a green screen, although i knew it was actually real and i could die - i was swaying in the wind, in cold and rainy weather. i maintained my calm though it was difficult. then dream switches to perspective an average white guy viewer in the theater, and he is talking to the director of the movie. director says he talk to him at any time about the movie and the viewer is pretty psyched about it.

jj

we received these nice looking but actually cheap casio watches from mom. jj was really excited about them and i pretended to be but i was cynical and thought they were copies. we programmed addresses and notes into the watches as they were similar to those old casio organizers. then i looked at the watch and saw they were FAKE casios, saying "CAS E/I O" on them. i pointed them out to jj and a friend. jj got infuriated. i tried then to show that i actually lost my data, which i hadn't but i was pretending. the friend was getting convinced but jj was just still angry. so i tried to understand why and then he practically wanted to beat him up. so i explained that i wasn't needling him, but just trying to understand, and that i thought he was angry because ted and i were always giving him our cast-off toys and not anything new. that calmed him down a lot, but he explained it was not that, and that there was more to his anger than i had explained of it.

why i love j

from august 2002

good morning sweetheart. i miss you so much right now. it's 4am and i just heard an old message from you on the machine...

your voice is so sweet and welcoming. it feels like home. just wanted to leave this note and tell you how much you mean to me. i will love you forever. see you soon. jay

you're short and sweet-
down to your little feet-
with skin so fine-
and eyes that shine-

for a truer love there's no need to look
our love fills every page, of every book.

hotel themes

i'm listening to hotel paper, one pop weakness of mine.

i have recurring dreams of two types of hotels. one is a very fine hotel with baroque detailing on the walls and ceiling. there is a small, narrow elevator that takes me up and down different rooms. last night my godbrother, also my first crush, was involved somehow. don't remember much except that his mother was in the hotel room and her vibe was that she was telling me about how life is, or something like that. another night, we were stuck in the elevator trying to get to the top of a long tower that had stairs leading up to it. we had also been running up and down the floors of the hotel, like my cousins and i used to during formal filipino medical association PMA events like new year's eve. except we were grown and they weren't my cousins, just random friends.

the other "hotel" is really an apartment building, a bit rundown with fucked up apartments in it, built in various ways. my brother ted was living in one very interestingly designed apartment which had a ladder leading up to it.

writer's life

i don't know how people can just decide to give up other things to become a writer or "artist." i get all my ideas and energy from dealing with work and other things, then hanging around my apartment all day on saturdays thinking up grand schemes and writing or thinking about whatever i want that pops into my head.

today i've been thinking of all the communities of people to which i belong, from my book group with bobby, simone and eva or my little snickering trio in the back room at work - that is, me and my office mates kendra and dave - arguing and discussing and bashing things and ideas. the nycoc group and icc dfers. susan and on, the world travelers group - how could i forget the brilliant and exciting older "siblings" i've always wanted (along with bobby of course). the new group i'm trying to tap are the genius level artist/writer/liberal types in my family. i'm so lucky to know these kinds of people.

i wonder what my mom would think if she could step into my life. i think she's finally starting to understand it. i told her how i like having just a small amount of money, enough to take care of things and have a little savings, because it forces me to be creative. she seemed to get it just then! a breakthrough.

the past comes back all at once

Randomly ran into Beka E at Cafe Magora in the EV. I haven't seen her in a million years. She's been in NYC for 4 years!! working for United for Peace. She said she was living in williamsburg, and began to explain to me what a hipster and I reminded her that I've lived in this city for three times as long as she. When I get around that chick, I get so hyper that I feel like I'm hallucinating. Doesn't matter whether it's with Beka over fifteen years ago, watching her run up and around the hills in her yard in her old school uggs, or the Beka at age 30, sitting in some hip joint, her delicate arms leaning across the table toward her silently sexy middle eastern man.

other dream-like things

the building down the street from j caught fire and burned down. he woke up at 2am in the morning to the smell of smoke, so powerful that he thought his own building was burning down. he said now the fire vehicles are gathered around the building, and there's a wall that is standing in the middle of it all. it looks brand new. and he's not sure whether it had been built there or if the firemen had put it there for some reason.

description of the news cafe on university blvd & 11th

in most cities, sitting in a cafe, you're bound to see a child. but already it's been an hour and i don't see even one. on the television perched overhead is a story about crossed television signals - a person who had hooked up his camera to his television set had picked up the signal of one of his neighbors, who was beating her foster kids up right before his eyes. the cops traced the signal and arrested the woman.

at the tables are a lithe blond model and a pair of students conversing in japanese. the several people wandering in and out of the cafe: a punkish design student, an executive with a baseball jacket on over his suit, an old jewish woman with curly, badly dyed hair and outdated purse. but no children.

is it the grinding sound of the city bus with the darkness, lit only by fluorescent parking lot lights that drive away the children? or idiots who decide to leave the cafe entrance door open in 26 degree weather? the lonely asians who seem to occupy every table with a paper and perfectly coiffed hair?

it's a sea of black backs. even the model has put her black coat on. the air from the open door has freshened the stale, oily atmosphere but the cracked paint on the floors depress me. nothing, not the colorful rows of magazines perfectly arranged in a mosaic on the wall, nor the old-fashioned wooden store fronts across the street can cheer up this place.

smalls/fat cat

these are the jazz clubs owned, or once owned, by mitch borden in NYC in the west village. i need to sit there and describe it for you. but it'd be even better to find someone who loved smalls but hates fat cat, who will tell me what they think of those places.

too much shit to do

two pieces to finish. one piece to send out.
do you ever stand on the subway platform and notice red colors, from the scarlet cashmere coat on the girl walking toward me and the backpack on the guy walking through the gate and another lady's wool hat, moving back and forth together through the crowd?

more burroughs

Of course the Annexia police processed suspected agents, saboteurs and political deviants on an assembly basis. As regards the interrogation of suspects, Benway has this to say:

"While in general I avoid the use of torture-- torture locates the opponent and mobilizes resistance --the threat of torture is useful to induce in the subject the appropriate feeling of helplessness and gratitude to the interrogator for withholding it. And torture can be employed to advantage as a penalty when the subject is far enough along with the treatment to accept punishment as deserved. To this end I devised several forms of disciplinary procedure. One was known as The Switchboard. Electric drills that can be turned on at any time are clamped against the subject's teeth; and he is instructed to operate an arbitrary switchboard, to put certain connections in certain sockets in response to bells and lights. Every time he makes a mistake the drills are turned on for twenty seconds. The signals are gradually speeded up beyond his reaction time. Half an hour on the switchboard and the subject breaks down like an overloaded thinking machine."

subject matter of the day: catholic cults, actors as ministers in cults

william burroughs on mind control - from naked lunch. pay attention to the second paragraph. did you know that many cult leaders, not just cult members ala scientology, are often aspiring actors or actresses?

damn you cults, you cult leaders who are actors, you who were aspiring actors turned ICC catholic scientology cult leaders.

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Dr. Benway had been called in as advisor to the Freeland Republic, a place given over to free love and continual bathing. The citizens are well adjusted, co-operatives, honest, tolerant and above all clean. But the invoking of Benway indicates all is not well behind that hygienic facade: Benway is a manipulator and coordinator of symbol systems, an expert on all phases of interrogation, brainwashing and control. I have not seen Benway since his precipitate departure from Annexia, where his assignment had been T.D.-Total Demoralization. Benway's first act was to abolish concentration camps, mass arrest and, except under certain limited and special circumstances, the use of torture.

"I deplore brutality," he said. "It's not efficient. On the other hand, prolonged mistreatment, short of physical violence, gives rise, when skillfully applied, to anxiety and a feeling of special guilt. A few rules or rather guiding principles are to be borne in mind. The subject must not realize that the mistreatment is a deliberate attack of an anti-human enemy on his personal identity. He must be made to feel that he deserves any treatment he receives because there is something (never specified) horribly wrong with him.< The naked need of the control addicts must be decently covered by an arbitrary and intricate bureaucracy so that the subject cannot contact his enemy direct."

the rules of propriety are so fascinating

for instance i am studying the rules of concealer like an alien. who'd have thought that a little drop of light watery fleshy stuff can transform you from a little girl to a real woman? oh it's so strange.

fuckin' dreams are more interesting than i am

i was holding each of my brother's crazy cute pugs in my lap. when i held one of them, the pug who was supposed to be mochi, he looked weird because the part where is nose and mouth are all black was fawn colored this time. he looked like a weird kind of pug shaped golden labrador. but i comforted him and told him i thought he was cute anyway. then i held the other one, puki, and she looked even freakier. in fact, uncle eli's head was on puki instead of her cute little crying eyes. but he still had puki's long tongue smile and looked utterly content. i held her, accepted and i loved her even with uncle eli's face staring back at me, grinning happily.

oedipus dream

my exboyfriend and i were riding around platonically, and we decided to stop and rest. we were at a motel and steve johnson was there. i hid under a desk and kept sliding a cd toward him. he saw me there and commented that i had sexy thighs. then my ex shot him with a gun. the police arrived but didn't question or accuse us. we left and all of a sudden i really wanted to fuck my ex.

renovation

i had decided to renovate the floors in my apartment. so i started peeling off the tiles and found there were 7 layers of linoleum on the floor of my apartment.

later my landlord and i were looking at the building from the outside. we could see into the apartments because each one had a wide, new modern window, from floor to ceiling, which opened up to the front rooms. we could see a beautiful renovated white kitchen and another apartment with little detail i could see. i also noticed that my apartment was the only one without the huge modern window and i was a bit annoyed but kept it to myself. he was disappointed for some reason, and i assured him that he would be able to sell the building one day at a good price because we were all renovating.

i'm back in my apartment pulling up the layers and found that in the living room, some of the layers were actually made up of my old roommate genieve's and others books and junk.

my neighbor, who was rather dandy looking like a carson from queer eye, came down. he was normal at first. then all of a sudden, he was this evil character. i had to run away from him, but it was hard because he had the power to see where i was at anytime. however, the scope of his power would grow and wane in cycles, so he could only perceive me at 20 to 200 feet at times, then as far as 2000 miles. and there was a limit too. so i figured that as soon as i could get to an airport without him catching up with me, i was okay as soon as i got in the air, safe from him. at one point he was chasing me down the sidewalk in front of the apartment at night in the rain.

juncture: the point at which unreality illuminates reality

heroin/e
borderline (gv)
classmate
soul talk
tita

emotions. relationships. so intangible and yet the juncture at which our souls encounter the world.

Infuriation

Troll know how to infuriate. One troll does it by taking someone's self-blaming feelings and insisting that this accusing self is telling the whole truth. They amplify the secret fear you have that these thoughts are only true, or not true. The fact is, these accusing thoughts can be somewhat true and mostly false.

These antisocial types can do a lot of damage, and are unstoppable at times as they seek to heal by damaging others. The pain they can cause people on the internet or in real relationships is directly to another's unconscious. Which is often why their words are powerful, until you bring it to the conscious mind.

And I know the infuriation and despairing feelings are simply a monitor for what this person feels unconsciously. Sometimes our bodies and hearts are thermometers of the disturbed who walk among us.

Can't stop thinking of anything but this:

Sometimes my thoughts come together manically; disparate elements that seemed hopelessly unrelated and despairing magnetize and click together into ingenious compounds of passionate energy toward some uncertain but exciting horizon. I felt this way when I applied to graduate school several years ago. I'm feeling it again.

My friend told me that all of my experiences have been preparing me for my future role in helping many people. I don't know what that is yet. All I know is I feel something bubbling up inside me, almost beyond my control. I feel like I am exploding inside but with what, I don't know yet.

Have you ever had moments like this, when you feel that you know what those Pulitzer prize winning authors and Nobel laureates once experienced? It doesn't necessarily mean that you will accomplish what they have - but it doesn't mean you won't, either.

Sometimes I think about my children, who are not born yet, but are living inside me, at least a part of them. And another part of them is living inside of someone else. My children will bring the compassion out of me. I know because when I think of my child running towards me with an excited smile in his eyes, small black wondering eyes that face the world with no expectations except that his mother loves him, it makes love real to me.

Sometimes I see a grand future just within my fingertips, of these exploding thoughts inside my mind fully expressed, its complexity unfolded and translated to a world waiting for words to more fully explain its mystery. I cannot put it into words yet.

Do you ever feel these things? Am I the only one?

When my aunt talks, she rambles. And most people caught in her web want to push her and her words away. But I am fascinated. She's the only one of mom's sisters who is fully present with what she feels. I know because her humorous tales tell me so. She mocks the Filipino traditional woman, that quiet, demure, "lady-like" thing. She is not afraid of a stacked fight. She will show you her many broken bones with pride.

She has too many stories and opinions. She hates with passion. She has made me feel like killing her. Silencing her. And she makes me feel like I can silence the world by simply willing it.

In mom's family there is some kind of furious muse that guides and drives and mocks all who are born from its blood. It will be conquered but who will recognize it, much less face it in battle?

Fuck my 20's...

I know I'm REALLY turning 30 when I feel the need to vent about the stupid Valentines day party happening downstairs. My company has had about 20 events in the past 2-3 days with cake, candy, mexican food, etc. Literally.

I remember a time, not too long ago, when that was cause to celebrate. But when I see younger co-workers rushing down to our V-day party for stupid little red candies and Big Red Heart decoration everywhere, with guilty little smirks and a little frantic breeze in their step, all I could think was:

I am too fuckin' OLD for this.

So instead of indulging in my "former" ways 20's-ish ways, and rushing down the stairs to gobble yet another useless piece of cheap chocolate to distract me from the fact there's still another hour left in my late Friday afternoon, I wrote this post. But let me tell you something - I am so lookin' forward to becoming a 30-something. I feel I'm finally leaving my childhood behind... and entering true adulthood. Something about the ability to choose your own way - and it's not painful anymore.

"Doubt is the dry rot of faith."

-quote from How to Know God, Deepak Chopra

Do you ever close your eyes and just listen? What do you think you would hear? I'm not talking about the outside world, like the screech of my overworked heating pipes and humming humidifier vents. I'm talking about the voice inside you. I think everyone has one of these. They call it intuition. But who says it speaks in whole sentences, jabbering constantly? I'm not talking about the fears or hopes of the subconscious. I'm talking about divinity inside you, driving you, comforting you, alerting you.

I often doubt that I even have a real intuition. Always trained to not trust my emotions. But these are not emotions. It's an actual transmitter inside you from the divine world. If you don't believe it, then be still. Close your eyes. Listen. It will speak if you will pay attention. It might take some practice quieting the distracting thoughts from the outside world. I find it quite natural to block it out, don't know why.

Things I hear it saying now.

1. You can do what you must to make a living, but you must write.

2. What you will say will help others.

3. Don't worry about the content, I've given you all the material you need. Just listen.

4. Stop writing on this blog and start on Word.

Okay, I'm out, see ya later.

timeline, no dates.
1. born
2. play music where I experience the floating feeling of connecting to the universe and a higher reality somehow
3. graduate high school, feel devastated by the world
4. 1st year of college devastation continues, feel a loss of that connection
5. temporarily connect through religion. inspired by psychology and psychologist friend. pursue that path.
6. lose the connection, gain legalistic and damaging religion, erodes my inner life
7. find the same thing in psych phD program. left both.
8. floating around, making some money doing this or that, guilt about disappointing mom and dad, cannot trust anyone or anything including myself.
9. find a partner in chaos (j). get ready to follow the program for mom and dad.
10. find my mentors (b and dr. r). conflict. partner starts to find his way.
11. start to listen and to trust others, now finally able to hear the inner voice.
12. starting a journey.

to starve or not to starve. that is the question for tonight. as it always has been. i get so tired of filipino family brainwashing. so resigned to black and white questions, black and white views of the future. it is so easy for me to get caught up in the hierarchies and structure of any organization. whether it's the family, where the moms constantly compare and preen their kids and make them absolutely paranoid and afraid to step out for themselves... religion... work... etc. it's not really anyone's fault. it's the culture mom and dad were raised in, and they mean well.

but i'm old enough to know better, and definitely old enough to act on the wisdom i'm slowly gaining, that the militaristic hierarchy of do's, don'ts, shouldn'ts and should's in my head are blocking out the real world as it is. the real world is an anarchy. that you can shape. going to small claims court was a reality check because in theory it's about what's right. no, a court of law is just a group of people operating to a set of rules designed to help uphold what is right, but who eventually wins out is the one who knows what rules work for them, but also know where there really is no hard rule.

there is something beyond the boundaries mom and dad laid out. it's seductive, perhaps dangerous, but maybe it will lead on a visionary path, to something sacred, even.

it is an utterly useless thing to compare yourself to others. i was watching diane sawyer interview jennifer aniston. clips of friends rolling like they were scenes out of Gandhi, rather than the insipid, mediocre pop candy television show that it was. people who are held up -- these celebrities -- are getting the spotlight because they make other people $$$. that's what it comes down to.

gotta find your way, and not fight the tide because of what you were taught what was the right, or cool, thing to do.

"you just have to fight for yourself"

dr r said this and it just seemed too simple. the question is not IF, it's WHERE.

i started writing this blog because i wanted to see the patterns of my head over the course of a year. i know i was going in with structure, became more comfortable with being looser, even writing stream of consciousness, but then went back to a strict structure again before i just exploded.

some fucked up dreams i've had
1. i dreamt that Dank and some others i know were on TV. i remember thinking that it must have become really easy to get on TV. then i was in my bathroom in the apartment. the door was closed and i tried to turn the doorknob but it wouldn't budge. i kept trying and it still wouldn't budge. so i calmed myself down and thought about what i could do. then i tried again and felt myself slowly start to panic. i felt trapped, like the walls were closing in on me.
2. last night, i dreamt i was in a little black box with the walls closing in on me. i actually woke up to blackness (my bedroom is very dark) and really couldn't breathe! it was freaky. i tripped over the headboard and jumped toward the door. i was relieved to get some air. i climbed back into bed. j doesn't remember and thinks i dreamt it all, but i didn't. i know i woke up.
3. b said i should tell nr about something i told him - why can't i REMEMBER?

i don't want to do med school i don't want to work, i don't want to do shit. i fuckin hate the expectations of them and you know what, if i want to be a fuckin irresponsible and crazy fucked up fuck then i will be. hahvid degree and all. fuckin i want to go and just throw shit out the window at the wall at you at people and laugh maniacally.

i'm going to write some more for the benefit of no one but myself. don't give a shit if you are reading anymore . i had a hidden blog once but fuck that. let's just say it all to the world. you dont' know who i am anyway. no one could know the dark shit that fills me, not even me. blocked. that's the way i take reaching for the light that i wonder more and more if it's just an unattainable piece of whatever it is, universe or god or spirit or... goodness or "fulfillment" i wish i could just grasp that but if not i can't take the gray anymore no no i want just the dark black aloneness just sitting with the chaos swirling and not having to please a fuckin' soul. no more of that. let me just be happy in my dark black aloneness, and why don't you just leave me be. if you cool you can sit with me in your own black hole and we can just be. yea.

what i feel:
ever feel just Dark. you just want to scribble on papers and scratch the walls and run into the dark street, run towards the headlights coming at you.
you wish you could just fuckin play chaotically like thelonius or someone on the keys. and your fingers feel it and you all of a sudden know what they were doing. not talking not singing but screaming. growling at the daftness of stupid ridiculous lala happiness marketed on banners on shiny phone booths with no phones actually in them. tearing their faces off, them people who are the culprits and are corrupting. you realize the truth is really a baldfaced fuckin lie and the lie is the fuckin truth and why not inject that shit, drink that shit, lie in your vomit and wait for the headlights to run over your useless skull that's thought so much of what's right and good and proper and what does this person need. fuck that. why not just lie under the headlights not giving a shit whether you'd still look tiny as your tiny body is when the cars smash your ribs and stomach and freshly built muscley sinewy mini female biceps and rip parts of your hair off your skull. man that's a really tiny woman, they'd say, who decided to just get run over. but i'm not going to do it, i just feel like it, i just feel like injecting shit in my veins like i saw someone do once, just to feel like who gives a shite. but i'm not going to do any of it, nooo, i'm just going to do nothing and worry as always but fuck if you know what's going on in my mind. this is a gift don't you know.

where i am: home, saw cuz's blog
my energy: chillin' (at home)
my plans: to quit the chic equinox gym and join the ugly purple Crunch gym. blech.
last web site remembered: cuz's sintapea blog
fun things today: seeing mommy and daddy -- they're in nyc
annoyed by: having to work
where I'm going: equinox
what i'd rather do: organize my apartment. i love that book "living large in small spaces"
last inspired by: the book living large in small spaces and thinking how lucky i am to live in this apartment.
last interesting convo: talkin' with bro about how he never saw me cry like i did last night (i was hysterical cuz i couldn't find my mommy!! LOL)

I saw Rachael Yamagata last night -- she opened for Damien Rice at Irving Plaza. Her voice has changed so much since high school, a lot deeper and sultrier. Her EP is coming out in October!

AN IMPORTANT SKILL TO LEARN: SUING IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT
How New Yorkers Who Can't Afford Lawyers Can Sue!

Just thought I'd pass on the wisdom because for some reason, I have never seen this info well-organized in one place on the internet. Be patient as I do this in parts -- here goes. If you have any suggestions, email me here (take out the word "spam")

I just finished suing a check casher and employer over a stolen, cashed paycheck incident I had in 2001 (during the Anthrax attacks). My final judgment is coming in a couple weeks.

NOTE: I AM NOT A LAWYER, just a regular New Yorker who did this all by trial & error.


HOW TO SUE IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT

I. Whether to sue

Always try to negotiate with people first. Call your nemesis and see if you can work out something.

Follow up by WRITING A LETTER stating the dispute, and that you will take them to court if it's not worked out. This is very important for some reason. See Nolo.com for more info on this (I didn't actually do this, though I should have).

If you're willing to settle, often you can get a good deal because people don't like going to court.

But don't be afraid to go to court yourself. Sometimes, this is the only way.

NOTE: You may want to write letters to a bunch of government agencies because you're pissed off. Go ahead but don't make this your only avenue. Go to court.

At first I did this, because when my check was stolen from the mail, I was told that it was not under the police jurisdiction but the postmasters' (who no longer exists, by the way).

I got the runaround with all these government bureau's "official investigations" that take months, even years. I also got TERRIBLE legal advice and ended up losing the first time in small claims court because some bozo at the Public Advocate (who also no longer exists) told me that I should go after my employer for lost wages, and then patly suggested I go to small claims court. They say stupid things like that because they just want you off their back.

I also wrote the news media at NY1.com, and they just sent me to a bunch of numbers and web sites that were semi-helpful, but more often no longer in existence. My time on TV was still to come (as you'll read later).

Little did I know what a waste of time this would be. Poor naive little me. Don't do what I did.

II. Finding a lawyer

LEGAL ADVICE IS SO IMPORTANT! I cannot stress this enough. However, lawyers are expensive. Most charge at least $200/hour to talk. This is how poor people do it.

Instead, send the message to everyone you know, "do you know a lawyer who's willing to give me some advice for cheap?"

Look for your local bar association or Legal Aid Society web sites (great for certain types of disputes). Tenant.net is great for landlord/tenant disputes.

Try to remember which of your friends actually decided to be a lawyer, and which ones are willing to help you. Even better, someone who can hook you up with Lexis-Nexis (the ultimate law research database) or a pass into their Law library. I suppose you can also go to the NY Public Library and inquire their law library - not sure if it exists. I did all my research on Lexis.com.

Check out the http://www.nolo.com site for really great, basic guidance through the system and advice.

Also, go to the bookstore for books on suing - lots of good Nolo books, and other "Law for Dummies" books there.

III. Researching the law

There are two main types of info you will be looking at:

Case law (they are published in digests called Reporters, eg North East Reporter, NY Supplement, etc.)
The actual law (eg NY Constitution)
Law Review (comments on the law and offers interpretation, explains revisions, etc -- Lexis.com)

Case law are actual cases that are written up in a summary form. In the Lexis.com, you can see not only what precedents might be set, but also the laws that pertain to each case.

For some reason Lexis make it hard for you to link directly to the law -- just look at the links in the case, eg. "commercial law (ucc) / article 3." Then go back to the main menu and look up the constitution section, and open up "commercial law" "article 3" -- there's boxes you click to open the menus.

Look for RECENT CASES that are like yours (law changes a lot, though the old cases are often interesting), then look at the law that pertains to it. Then, frame your argument around these laws -- not according to your own opinion.

In my case, I had to prove the check casher was liable. For example, there are no rules in Commercial Law regarding "how" you check ID. There are laws, however, on the fact that if a bank cashes a forged check (check cashers are held to this as well, I think -- but again, I'm not a lawyer), they are liable.

So instead of saying, "I'm suing because they didn't check ID," (I'd lose) I said, "I'm suing because they didn't authenticate my signature, which had been forged."

IV. Arbitration vs. judge

When you arrive at NY Small Claims Court in New York City (111 Centre Street), Nassau and Westchester counties, the cities of Buffalo and Rochester, you're able to choose between an arbitrator and a judge. An arbitrator is an experienced lawyer who serves without pay. Both sides agree have to agree to be tried by an arbitrator.

The hearing before an arbitrator is less formal, and you may not be as nervous as you might be before a judge. When an arbitrator determines a case, the decision is final and there is not further appeal by either the claimant or defendant. The fact is most small claims cases that are appealed hardly ever win, so this is a very reasonable option.

An arbitrator will apply the same law to your case as the judge would apply. Also, if you choose an arbitrator you will definitely be in and out -- if you choose a judge, you will have to come back, sometimes several times. This is because there usually are many arbitrators available and only one or two judges.

In my case, I went with an arbitrator. I waited around in a courtroom -- basically a big room with benches where everyone sits and waits for their name to be called, like in jury duty -- for a half hour before being called to the waiting room to wait for another hour to meet with the arbitrator. Not fun. Bring a magazine, or better, a friend. Moral support is a nice thing to have vs. biting your fingernails and eating the crap in the vending machines, next to the big sign that says, "NO SMOKING, EATING OR DRINKING IN THIS ROOM."

It was in this tiny little classroom-like room, and me and the defendant sat right next to each other. That was a little wierd. You really want to be prepared because it can be nerve-wracking. I'm not someone who gets very nervous, and even I felt a little stressed.

Be prepared... the next section is important for this.

V. Preparing your case for small claims court

DO YOUR RESEARCH! See section III.

Then read this FAQ from Nolo.com. It is extremely helpful.

Look nice and professional. Makes a BIG difference. But don't look pimped out either. In court, people Judge you -- remember that.

The Opening Remarks is very important (see above faq for guidance).

Winning a case is all about bringing EVIDENCE and WITNESSES (if you can). Be prepared for anything.

Winning is also about presentation, about what you let them see. This is why lawyers are snakes. It's part of the game. Be honest, but shrewd as well.

Also be concise. They get impatient very fast with long-winded, nervous explanation. They will sound rude and short. You have to understand that they see things through the law and are trying to filter and translate your babble into the law. Be calm, do not interrupt, be assertive but balanced. You want to seem like the mature, cool, RIGHT one.

I wish someone had told me this: when the arbitrator / judge asks you stuff, only answer their question. DO NOT VOLUNTEER STUFF IF YOU DON'T GET ASKED FOR IT.

Practice, practice, practice your opening remarks. Argue it with a friend, get someone to do devil's advocate with you.

Funny thing that could happen to you:

When I filed my first case against my employer, I got called by the People's Court (remember that TV show?). Apparently, the small claims court is public record so people can see your info.

You REALLY want to be prepared for something like this. Judge Milian will not hesitate to mock you if you give her the chance -- it's not just court, it's TV. The stagehands will pump you up to be really aggressive and entertaining. I gave them that and they gave me some back -- I told the judge that I was in grad school, and when she asked where, I did (I went to Harvard)... I was really sorry I said that, because after that Judge M seemed to have it in for me. I lost.

VI. Collecting Judgment

More on this if I win... check out NY Small Claims Court site for their advice.

Web Links on the Law
(If not linked, input these terms into Google. I'll supply it later.)

http://www.lexis.com
http://www.nolo.com
http://www.findlaw.com
http://www.courts.state.ny.us
http://www.tenant.net/Court/Howcourt/sclaim.html Official NY Small Claims Court site
http://www.housingnyc.com/resources/resources.html
http://www.rentlaw.com/smallclaims.htm
http://tenant.net
http://www.nypirg.com
ny constitution
legal aid
new york bar association
ny state banking department

Universities often have law services for students and the community. Call your local university law schools for more info.

Hope this was helpful.

Musicians...

Just found out that an old classmate of mine Rachael Yamagata -- we went to girls prep school from hell together -- has just finished a recording with RCA and opened for David Gray at Madison Square Garden this past January. She was a singer for the funky Chicago band Bumpus.

Jay, my honey bun, has also finished with his recording finally -- Norah Jones and Gregg Allmann, who he plays horn with during the year, plus others have written some things for him. A Mose Alison-meets-John Coltrane-meets Bob Dylan... hard to describe. Great socio-political lyrics as well -- not overdone at all. Check this out:

"The old world starts to crumble, and the poets speak in rhyme; the poor ones' feeling humble, and the junkie feels sublime; the young ones' starting trouble, and the old ones' got no time... but you go on and on, big business man."*

He's shopping for labels too. He goes through so much. Don't know if I could ever do the artist life. It's rough.

Another friend of Jay's, Richard Julian, is going to be opening for Norah this month. Jay has opened for Jesse Harris at the Living Room, who is also fantastic.

Money geniuses...

By the way, wanna thrill? Thought dotcom trading was dead? My brilliant younger bro, Ted has been making serious money in a bear market by tracking the waves of a stock based on elliott wave theory, which utilizes natural patterns such as fibonacci number sequences. His last profit was about $18K last Friday (THIS IS FOR REAL, I SWEAR... he's family) after selling SINA.

He explains it on his site, Gemxwave, which is basically his concise analyses of the market throughout the day, along some random maniacal ramblings (that goes along with genius, I guess). You can sign up for a 10-day trial with no credit card required -- he just gives you the password. Check it out.

*Lyrics - Big Business Man, © Jay Collins 2002

From May 2002 -- Returning to the U.S. from Manila

i have been home in nyc for 2 wks now. it's been fun living with jay. much smoother than i thought, more comfortable, more fun! freezing ass weather til today tho- i have not felt breathtaking joy for that warmth (85 degrees) since last spring. though i love the tropical weather in the Ph, what i felt was...peace. the smell of nuts and other vendor fruits in the air. the city is transformed into a green rush of spring where the concrete becomes a study of life walking, growing, and blowing through it- not sterile, but a silent quietness in the buzz and breath of us.

never thought i'd love DUMBO (down under the manhattan bridge overpass) but when i returned Last Tango In Paris and Mystery Men to the video store, i thought...
walking through the small park to the under bridge arches leading to york st via pearl, there was a peaceful pattern of passersby in colorful spring-filled busyness, freshness in their eyes. I passed under and found a way with green on one side and the clean sidewalk smooth under my feet.

I closed my eyes, still walking, and saw in my mind Bohol, the first island i visited after landing in Manila. i took a plane to cebu and a speed boat to the island, to its brown dusty streets with palm trees and turquoise beach peeking through them. i project to a possible future in my mind, walking to my wooden shanty on the beach, holding fruits from the market, coming home to my study, my papers, my writings, alone, at peace.

my neighbors gather in their houses down the street, talking, laughing, eating, pouring water on their plants, leading their dog-- brown faces and white smiles blending with my own. before me they form a sunrise of eyes, coming and going like the waves of the ocean, and familiar to me as if we'd been born together in the same room. they are my neighbors. not the cold and shut-off eyes of my neighbors here, but the curious and warm eyes of cousins i've never met, but heard of and seen in pictures.

i don't know why i feel such a deep connection to this place- of course it could be explained in that i am filipino and it's in my blood, but i was born in the U.S. and in a way it's almost ridiculous to say. is it all truly woven in my veins like this? why i love the hot weather as if i were made for it. is this my true home, the place that reflects the true me, my soul, my life strength? i got home and felt so comforted in this small, brown room of jay's. who'd have thought that'd be my final feeling today?

My new hero. I love this kid, Michelle Wie:

"Michelle Wie isn't like most 12 year-old girls you run into. She's nearly six feet tall, hates the mall, thinks boys are annoying and can rip a golf ball nearly 300 yards."

Anyone bothered by the idea of women playing pro golf against men better get used to it.

NYC Scam Alerts:
Manhattan judge rules against MTA fare hike! HAH HAH!!

Have you ever thought about joining Bally Total Fitness? Or are you a member? Check out my review on Epinion.com and the Bally complaint web site.

Have you ever been approached by someone inviting you to a church service at the New York City Church of Christ? Check out ICOC News Blog to find out what these people are about. And you thought the Catholic church was bad!

OH MY GOD!!!!

Salam is alive! His blog is back up.

http://dear_raed.blogspot.com/

prodigy
13-year-old twice nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize graduates from college with Cum Laude.

the hippie side of my family
i see two polarities increasing in my extended family, mwah hah haaah... liberals taking over.

my cousin makes journals. she has a site where she sells them. they're beautiful. not only that, she has a "journaling tips" section for those of us more hesistant about reflection.

family
they're all coming up this weekend... and not for easter, but because of random "coincidences" that came together this weekend: my cousin for her friend's "baptism," my brother for his birthday (girlfriend got him plane tickets), mom & dad to see my bro and me for his 26th birthday, because dad happens to be in DC this month. i was just thinking last month, why does my family have to be so far away? sometimes i get jealous that some people have their families here, though i know others are jealous that mine are so far. har har. well i'm grateful.

psychic shit
i have some psychic phenomena happening lately... starting with last summer. i had an older cousins who took care of me with his wife when i was little. i hadn't thought of them in years, but in june i had a dream about them visiting me in nyc, with their new baby. they have never been able to have a baby. the very next morning, my dad emailed me to ask if i could come down to dc to be the godmother for my cousins' new baby... who was adopted that week!!

that whole summer, when i went driving, i knew when cops were going to come over the road, and somehow "knew" who was calling me even without caller ID. and a few weeks ago i dreamt that a friend (who i hadn't seen in a while) was really angry at some guys we knew. when i told her about it, she said, "HOW did you know??!" finally, i wrote bobby & j about my "emergency" info - parents' info, etc... and bobby wrote me back, "GET out of my life and mind. I was think of this right before bed last night. I was thinking also to e-mail my parents and siblings information about friends here so if something should happen they have a NYC person to be in contact with. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

wierd.

screenwriting
simone, bobby and i saw better luck tomorrow, an asian-american teen suspense film that opened this weekend. for some reason we all had such strong reactions to it. it's set in Orange County (LA), where bobby & simone grew up. simone and bobby were really hardworking asian-american high schoolers too. bobby's email: "But I was thinking about all those kids who were working so hard, and will continue to work hard, and then end up like us, people with busy lives!!! Gosh, where were the "warning sign" that life would be this busy and complicated"?? that's true!! also poor bobby has been really stressed out... but it also inspired me and simone, who went to tisch film school and became a lawyer because she wants to be able to care for her family. her friends from film school even sat her down and said, you are TALENTED, what the hell are you doing in law school?? so we decided to go out and feed ourselves creatively every week--an art gallery this week, taking pictures next weekend. it's so easy to get stuck, but you just got to do one little thing at a time. you never know where it can lead.

i've started writing ideas for a script on my private blog. my idea is staying private. but i'll tell you about j's -- j thought this would make a good a movie: the stories of four different jazz musicians in present day nyc and the shit they go through on an every day level. club managers, gigs, relationships, etc. after hanging out w/j my jazz musician honey for the past year and a half, i've found the whole culture to be really interesting. what strikes me most is how they are like a brotherhood. these guys all know each other. and, it's mostly guys. my first time at smalls, on jason's monday nights there, i remember being struck at the fountain of youth in jazz.. many of them are over 30 but don't look a day over 20. or even 15. jason's band looks like the band guys from high school, except... they're damn good!! it's funny !! the casualness in their performances, compared to classical, even rock music, is unique too. j will walk around, have a smoke, have a conversation, in the middle of his sets. i should have written down my first impressions last year (maybe i did somewhere...) when they happened, because a lot of it i take for granted now.

further thoughts on money
most new yorkers are liberal. why is that? because we see so much CRAP every day and we put up with so much CRAP with everything from noise pollution to annoying fake street bums to annoying bureaucratic assclowns. shit, social problems are real to me every single fucking day, not just some theoretical thing that i read about in suburbia from the local newspaper. i will pay money if i believe it will alleviate some of these problems i see! i get so pissed arguing with some of the military conservatives on the icc df that i won't talk to them about it anymore. call me naive but that's my world view, fucker.

another thing my coworker and i were talking about: the lame stance some people take with politics, "i'm socially liberal, fiscally conservative." in other words, "I just want what i want, but i like to sound like i give a damn about people." i prefer an outright, "rich should rule the country because we own it" POV over that lukewarm shit any day.

god can i get anymore pissed off today? maybe it's what i ate for lunch... ha ha. not. by the way, there's howard zinn updated PHOUS and included a chapter on Bush W and the "war on terrorism." saw it at barnes & noble today. i already have PHOUS and the 20th c. revise. would someone photocopy the chapter and send it to me? i would be so grateful.

piano
i gotta practice ... my roommate's out of town.

paranoia
paranoia! that .mil guy was my friend from the icc df. hi prooo. all i have to say is the icc experience has definitely damaged my head. i have a "paranoid" style, as my dear bobby would tell me. gee, thanks!

spies...!
WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE HERE visiting here from .mil, .gov sites?! see my extreme tracker (small box at the bottom left corner of the screen). people, your tax dollars at work.

back to my happy little life -- howard zinn, views on money and life
reading howard zinn, skipped to the 20th century book which is really the People's History of the United States but with only twentieth century history, plus old man bush & clinton. i demanded that my other liberal work friend get this book. i've been reading on the labor unions, socialist ideals, the people who died, the criminal tactics some union leaders promoted, the grass roots organization, the corruption of "mis"-leaders, the inspiration of the earnest leaders, the ideals, the sacrifice. it reminds me of the icc in some ways. these people were willing to go for broke. i think most people would be in desperate circumstances. it makes you get spiritual. it's depressing to read about the militia and the government attacking these people. the desperation to protect your comfort zone at the cost of others' lives -- shocking. all based on the perception that one's life will be ruined without the huge amounts of money one commands. maybe i'm being overly simplistic, but doesn't it all come down to this? j says that the leaders who manipulated the race issue with the working class will do anything to survive, that their manipulation is not necessarily conscious. i would add that people will do anything to stay comfortable. people are afraid that if they aren't, the suburban myth will kick in: you'll be homeless! you'll starve!! you'll be in the streets!! oh please.

despite the idealistic and naive attempts to point to our forefather's constitution, we don't have a democracy. rather, an "idea" of democracy is perpetrated and used to manipulate us to follow our wealthy leaders' agendas. i would agree that to a certain extent, our very knowledge allows us to continually strive for and exercise true democracy, as the many social movements of the past have shown. j's question last night: how do you have democracy without greed? well i would rephrase the question: how do you have democracy for the greedy? not judging between people -- we all are greedy, which is why power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. unless you are aware and ready for it. which is where spirituality come in. [4/17 a correction: j said he meant to ask, "how do you have democracy with capitalism?" well that's really not a different question, IMO, but of course he really wanted to make that clear. OK!]

the tiring and unspiritual pursuit of material wealth and people's obsession with money drives people mad. when i was living with a lot of money a lot of things about life were miserable. i felt weak and powerless and saw my family suffer from the burden of debts, taxes, people stealing your money, suing you for money, the superficial social circles, the cold, self-obsessed meanness of the people hovering around you who also had money or wanted some. the only good thing is its power to comfort and distract yourself. but you don't need that much to have that, at least not in this country. and that power is based on your standard of comfort, which can always be adjusted (sure was when i had "noooo monnney!" (as char puts it) ), and your level of inspiration. however, it takes money to have hobbies... i like being able to pay for knitting needles and music/dance lessons... if i had the same amount money that allows me to do these things for the rest of my life, i'll stay happy. ah, the spiritual conflict, the body yearns for comfort! i remember when i was living all ghetto in the church, but i was fine with it because i was doing it for something i believe in.

i have always equated money with unhappiness... i suppose that's why it's hard for me to get motivated to make a lot of it. i hate being poor too, don't get me wrong--debt sucks even more when you're poor. at least when you're rich, you have a house to sit in even if you owe tons of it. when you're renting you can get kicked to the curb. good thing nyc has strong tenant laws, though these seem to be disappearing one by one like everything else.

i showed dinah the sweater i made. i've been getting a lot of compliments on it. that's because i totally hate all the traditional ugly sweater people make, although there's definitely a knitting trend that's transcending them. i found this great site for MAKE workshop, a knitting school here in nyc, that had a sweater i liked. i created my pattern based on the pic but without sleeves, in olive green merino wool. it looks sexy on me, if i do say so myself. which i'm siked about because i thought it'd be too small, or stretch too far.

dinah, my business inspiration (along with matt in boston) said i should design petite line of knits. i've already been playing with the idea of creating accessories. the thing is, it's a hobby to me and the idea of producing all the time is a cost i have to think about. and i know what production is like after working for cosmetics and advertising. pain in the ass! but i'm still open to the idea, especially as it would give me a chance to develop some business skills. i know a great little market on mulberry that was operating last year out of a church -- i'd like to sell my wares that way, or even do a weekend vendor thing. not sure what that involves though, and i know you have to apply for a license. it's interesting to me that the IRS allows you to claim "hobby" deductions, which makes sense if you make a "hobby income." i think that's where i'd fall, because i would certainly not want to make a living out of this--way too stressful.

j and i have been doing great. we were falling into a routine and decided to change it (caused some drama, at first i was like "I'M BORED") he thought i wanted to break up. i did too, then realized it was just over something that could be changed easily. i realized that every time we hang, i'm tired!! and that really makes me frustrated, having to hang when i'm tired. so we decided to hang on afternoons instead, and with the smoking ban lifted and my work schedule starting at 10 am, i'm finding my energy to be up more often. it changed our dynamic SO much!

j and i talked about our roles in each others' lives down at cafe figaro (we were out at 2AM, on MY request--I wasn't tired!). my role for him, he said, was that I showed him how to have real intimacy. his role for me -- i said, "you make me do what is unnatural!" in a good way. i would never eat well or exercise, or take breaks in my workaholic day, if it weren't for his gentle suggestions... LOL. he also takes care of me, i said that really his role is as someone who takes care of me but is also my partner - most people i've been with have been less or more mature than me, with no balanced dynamic. also j and are alternately extroverted or introverted with people, so there no one person who's loud or quiet. both of us are... well, both.

i love him, my honey j. he's the guy that i thought about in my head, the one i hadn't met yet and hoped existed, and finally did. i'm so lucky.

one more drama -- damn taxes. trying to figure out if it's worth it to pay an accountant. again, it's not. i thought i could contribute prior year charity contributions but you have to have given more than 50% AGI (for church contrib). i was about to go on this trek to find my old check numbers, call the bank to see if they have an archive and have them send copies to me. good thing i figured it out before going to all that trouble. i hate paying taxes, though i don't mind paying a certain amount as a citizen. but if i am paying, i should have more say in our government who's bringing our world down a scary path. i'm even thinking of not having a kid, because the world is feeling more lost every day. and then all these out-of-touch social subtle expectaions (demands) from the fam about getting married, becoming a doctor, having kids because i'm nearing "that age." fuck that. the world where i'm coming of age is not the same world where they came of age. it's time to rethink, reconfigure.

while doing my taxes, i am struck at how many deductions go towards business-related things, even deducting a home computer used partially for investment. i remember when "capitalism" was only some big word to me in history class. a MUST READ: Howard Zinn's The People's History of The United States. read the Amazon reviews too. admittedly leftist and skewed to the perspective of "the common people" but this book rings so true to my own experiences and makes complete and total sense. i suppose it also reinforces my cynical view of human nature, as well.

more knit obsession links:
RedLipstick Boutique, Brooklyn: Incredibly inspiring designs. Oh my god, and I'm not the only one. She has a blog.

I also got help on my sweater pattern from girl from auntie.

Other good ones: get crafty, readymade mag, and (love the title): not martha

Also this girl has good links. I started out my search here when I was looking for non-traditional (read: ugly) patterns.

I like this guy's philosophy: "Ranjit's ambition is to dabble in every existing form of art and craft at least once."

bobby: american and asian-american brainwashing
we were talking until 2:45 AM last night. we've agreed that people often succumb to the pressure put on people to get married and start a family, when they are not ready. i love the story of the feminist leader who refused to get married, then found the love of her life at 83 and could not help but get married. it was on her terms. i want to have that kind of strength. the same goes with my career and self-confidence in my decisions. the asian-american family pressure is all about guilt. "why do you make your family sad?" because you're refusing to go to medical school or not married to a rich husband yet. let's deconstruct that. is it really sadness? and is it really the WHOLE family? please. don't exaggerate. and why must it be about ME changing? the fact is (and how often our emotions ignore facts) -- it's the FAMILY that needs to change and get over it.

American families are happy with their kid getting a BA and a masters, why is it never enough for Asian families?

for me it's, "you're the smartest kid in the family, you went to columbia and harvard, why won't you go to medical school?" as a little kid i dreamed of helping people as a doctor. i was always good at math and science. but my aunt's continuing pressure for me to "make money," telling me i need at least "6 figures" to live -- turned me off to the whole career because now, in my mind, it's just about money. i have never been the kind of person to care about that -- no, i've been the type who hates money because of the obsessiveness, the superficiality of people who are consumed by making it.

i remember growing up in this incredibly wealthy area and being so lonely and yearning for something "more." my journey to understand the spiritual plane of life, which is so unexamined in our society, has been intense and frustrated alternately throughout my life. j and i had a great discussion on spiritual things and certain truths because of the things he's been reading. it made me realize that seeing others, and my own, lack of a spiritual perspective has a lot to do with my anxiety about my career path, anger at the church and its corruption, anger the war and the American government's obsession to dominate the world. these things will never lead to happiness. and finally the paradigm shift -- my own impatience and cynicism must meet god's surgical knife too (i don't believe in christianity on its own, but the analogy serves my point well, i think).

mono(tonous)gamy? and the urban tribe
back to my conversation with bobby: another thing we talked about is how hard long-term relationships are, and monogamy. after six months many people will ask themselves, is this the person i want to be with for the "REST" of my life? but why do we always have to project into the future? we could die tomorrow. even if not, it's working now so why freak out about the future? it will become obvious in time anyway, unless you are crazy or in denial or whatever.

bobby and i always have the same things going on in our relationships at the same time. i asked him last night, "i wonder what we're going to go through together in our next life!" joking - but he is my soulmate. it's great to have a soulmate who's not your lover, but best friend. big brother. confidante. i am so lucky to have him in my life. especially with that big confident self-esteem of his - i've learned so much from his confidence and maturity. thank you god for bobby.

mom is not going to Manila
...because of SARS. thank god for this too. i really hope i don't get SARS and die. i guess, though, you cannot escape fate. nyc has 7 "possible" cases. then there's my co-worker who was quarantined, but didn't have it. the incubation period is 3-7 days.

c'est la vie!

appendix: the urban tribe
"In My Tribe"
By ETHAN WATTERS
New York Times Sunday Magazine -- October 14, 2001

You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also had the unpleasant experience of discovering that you have been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in America -- the "never marrieds".

In less than 30 years, the number of never-marrieds has more than doubled, apparently pushing back the median age of marriage to the oldest it has been in our country's history -- about 25 years for women and 27 for men.

As if the connotation of "never married" weren't negative enough, the vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These statistics prove a "titanic loss of family values," according to The Washington Times. An article in Time magazine asked whether "picky" women were "denying themselves and society the benefits of marriage" and in the process kicking off "an outbreak of 'Sex and the City' promiscuity." In a study on marriage conducted at Rutgers University, researchers say the "social glue" of the family is at stake, adding ominously that "crime rates....are highly correlated with a large percentage of unmarried young males."

Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I assumed was a brief transition period between college and marriage. The problem was, I wasn't just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of the Rutgers researchers, I was "soul-mate searching." Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too, agree with the statement "When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost." This über-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 survey, fully three out of four college women said they'd marry a man they didn't love if he fit their criteria in every other way. I discovered along with my friends that finding that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came and went, as did jobs and apartments. The constant in my life -- by default, not by plan --became a loose group of friends. After a few years, that group's membership and routines began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, moved one another's furniture, painted one another's apartments, cheered one another on at
sporting events and open-mike nights.

One day I discovered that the transition period I thought I was living wasn't a transition period at all. Something real and important had grown there. I belonged to an urban tribe. I use the word "tribe" quite literally here: this is a tight group, with unspoken roles and hierarchies, whose members think of each other as "us" and the rest of the world as "them." This bond is clearest in times of trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent terrorist strikes), my instinct to huddle with and protect my group is no different from what I'd feel for my family.

Once I identified this in my own life, I began to see tribes everywhere I looked: a house of ex-sorority women in Philadelphia, a team of ultimate-frisbee players in Boston and groups of musicians in Austin, Tex. Cities, I've come to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where fragile individuals with arrested development mope around self-indulgently searching for true love. There are rich landscapes filled with urban tribes.

So what does it mean that we've quietly added the tribe years as a developmental stage to adulthood? Because our friends in the tribe hold us responsible for our actions, I doubt it will mean a wild swing toward promiscuity or crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss of "family values." It is a fresh statement of them.

It is true, though, that marriage and the tribe are at odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully tell you, loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc on romantic relationships. Not surprisingly, marriage usually signals the beginning of the end of tribal membership. From inside the group, marriage can seem like a risky gambit. When members of our tribe choose to get married, the rest of us talk about them with grave concern, as if they've joined a religion that requires them to live in a guarded compound.

But we also know that the urban tribe can't exist forever. Those of us who have entered our mid-30's find ourselves feeling vaguely as if we're living in the latter episodes of "Seinfeld" or "Friends," as if the plot lines of our lives have begun to wear thin.

So, although tribe membership may delay marriage, that is where most of us are still heading. And it turns out there may be some good news when we get there. Divorce rates have leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at Brigham Young University, says he believes he knows why. In a paper to be published next year, he argues that it is because people are getting married later.

Could it be that we who have been biding our time in happy tribes are now actually grown up enough to understand what we need in a mate? What a fantastic twist -- we "never marrieds" may end up revitalizing the very institution we've supposedly been undermining.

And there's another dynamic worth considering. Those of us who find it so hard to leave our tribes will not choose marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable next step in our lives, the way middle-class high-school kids choose college. When we go to the altar, we will be sacrificing something precious. In that sacrifice, we may begin to learn to treat our marriages with the reverence they need to survive.

salam pax, where are you
i've been searching on the internet for salam to see if maybe he has some kind of other blog going on somewhere. but i also just read that baghdad is totally dark. when the coalition troops moved in that's what they saw--darkness. a black spot. they claim they did not target the power grid. very smart. scare the crap out of them. i wonder if salam is alive. i am worried for him.

mom is going to be in manila soon
i hope she will be okay and not get sick with that SARS going around in asia. my co-worker came back from asia and was one of the 2 new yorkers quarantined when news broke out of SARS a week ago. he had all the symptoms, we were reading about it on the site. but the hospital claims he didn't and sent him home when he got better. i hope they were right.

media fear-mongering
sometimes it gets to me despite the fact i know it's all designed to make us nice and compliant. i felt like watching Michael Jackson on that MSG show he did with his bros on VH1, after seeing the war coverage and SARS shit over and over. it takes a lot for me to watch that psychotic freak dancing around, unless it's Jackson 5 songs.

flashback

april 15 2002
(thanks for sending me this back, manang jopie!)

one of my first experiences in Manila: THE BABY LIZARD

I was lying on the big bed in mom and dad's bedroom, watching CNN Asia. my dad tells me to look up, where there's a little, 1-inch long baby lizard stuck to the ceiling! mom was freaking out, but we ignored her and it for a while and she forgot about it.

then i made a comment on how cute it was and she started freaking out again and telling us to get rid of it (eg "Kill it! kill it!"). so dad brushed it off the ceiling, and it landed on the bed!

mom's screaming by now and dad brushed it onto the floor. "kill it! kill it!" she screams, and dad goes, "i can't." (If you know my dad, you know he's not going to kill the lizard. he has a soft spot for birds, lizards, mice... JJ, remember when we caught that cute fuzzy mouse in the kitchen and we set it free in the yard?)

Ok, like father, like daughter!? well not quite... i went over and tried to stomp on the poor little baby lizard w/dad's slipper, and it ran to the edge of the wall, then under dad's chair. finally i smushed the thing. when it was dead it was like a big green booger with eyes. but still cute!

so i took a kleenex, put him in it and threw him out. Mom exclaimed: "you're so brave!" -- Whatever, mom!

NEXT: List of things Mom is afraid of, in Ph.

the young iraqi
3/22 -- "The whole city looked as if it were on fire. The only thing I could think of was
'why does this have to happen to Baghdad.' As one of the buildings I really love
went up in a huge explosion I was close to tears."

His last entry, 3/24, only said they had lost internet. i hope he's okay.

Their military is dressing up as civilians, and making the civilians fight, or be executed. Now the civilians are always in danger because the US/British can't trust that they are for real. I hate this war and Bush's policies, but Iraqi leaders are pure evil. I know that at least our military, brainwashed as they are, wouldn't ever put us in such a cold-hearted predicament. I hope.

The evil can win, but only temporarily. All is temporary... the American empire is also temporary.

p. coelho: warrior
got a very cool book a couple days ago, and read an entry from it every morning. some pertinent lessons:
--training means little against experience... and prayer.
--be grateful, remember your higher power. and your friends who have helped you. share your rewards.
--use the enemies' energy against them.

applications to come...

war depression
went to the protest, then the ABB gig (j was playing tenor with them), then saw the Derek Trucks band at the lions den. what a day. i got really depressed at the lions den, because bobby was watching the war live on tv and told me about the soldiers who had been captured and killed.
i haven't felt this depressed in years. i'm okay now, though. back to denial.

A new favorite word
module:an independently-operable unit that is a part of the total structure of a space vehicle. It is also a cognitive science/AI word, adapted to mean independently operable _logical_ units. In my impossible cognitive development class with Howard Gardner, he used that word ALL the damn time. In my little world, it's the perfect word to describe all the little random pursuits that add up to some larger pattern I have yet to figure out through this blog.

words that j and i laugh at
henry wadworth longfellow: obvious. think about lyndon johnson
longbaby: j was a long baby (he's tall and thin). i named my mac 'longbaby.'
longpillow: this awesome pillow i got from the philippines that j and i used to fight over. now we share.

as they're bombing the hell out of Baghdad:
i feel numb. nothing. survival mode. national guardsmen with huge rifles at the grand central shuttle and west 4th street. what if a guy accidentally drops it and it fires? the idea of a nuclear bomb dropping and blowing us all to bits, for some reason, makes me want to laugh.

post-traumatic dissociation.

i remember seeing the second WTC tower fall before my eyes as I fled to bobby's house from work. i was standing on 7th ave & 15th street. felt nothing. wanted to go home via subway. asked bobby to pray for me and left his house again. i got on the train, and prayed again not to get bombed in the subway. let off at times square, they wouldn't go any further. walked to sixth avenue. streams of office workers walking up the avenue from downtown. as if it were saturday. but they all walked in the same direction.

i got on the last bus to my neighborhood, sat in the entrance stairwell because there was no more room, and peered through the accordian doors at all the people walking, walking, walking. and the midtown electronic newsbelt at the nbc studios screamed the disaster we were living in. when i got home my neighborhood felt like a little green terrarium with people walking their small dogs along central park west. one officer with his car parked across the closed off streets was the only indication of... anything.

It's been a while... sorry.

Damn War. Making people I care about upset and angry all day. I keep thinking about people, like friends who I don't know, who are in Iraq, hiding, waiting. It's so unfair.

A quote from someone there: (a young Iraqi's blog)

What is bringing on this rant is the question that has
been bugging for days now: how could “support
democracy in Iraq” become to mean “bomb the hell out
of Iraq”? why did it end up that democracy won’t
happen unless we go thru war? Nobody minded an
un-democratic Iraq for a very long time, now people
have decided to bomb us to democracy? Well, thank you!
how thoughtful.

Catch up: My back's been fixed more or less by my awesome PT therapy and diligent workout life I've acquired. Discovery: I love exercise and healthy food! Wow. My body's lookin' good. The "dead bored" energy has gone. Yay! Also I had a b-day. I'm 29.

Refuge from the Media: Some creative activities i've been engaging myself in for the past month.
1) Knitting. made 3 hats (one for jay, which he lost. got to make another), a knit rose for a hat, a sweater, mittens.
2) Piano lessons with jason lindner. Learning jazz, latin:
first lesson: learn the major and minor 7th chords in all keys.
second lesson: learn major and minor ninths with 7-3 voicings, and ii-V-I transitions; leads into montunos. also learn chromatic scale (1), whole tone scale (2), diminished
chords (2) in all inversions
3) Salsa lessons with j's friend. j and i are going to go to nell's
4) Working out (yes to me this is creative) at equinox. personal training's ended so now i'm doing the BLF challenge. As far as other health things go: keeping up my PT exercises, and my skin. The free facial at skinklinic was terrific - got their products. My face looks so different after only one time. Glycolic rules.
5) Cooking. goes with BLF, but i'm trying new things. my friend suzie can bake (her father's a baker, he baked for all these institutions in sweden). gonna try non-fat (and fatty!) desserts
6) Decorating and logically solving the spatial issues in my walkthrough apartment
7) Work at TPR - it's been getting crazy. lots of interesting stats projects, hard projects. makin' extra bucks freelance, too.

Next: painting with oils, sewing sweater patches/finishing my knit sweater w/patches, inventing sewn knick-knacks (key idea, for example) to sell, making an art book (re-doing the one from columbia art class), coming up with a theme for this blog including digital photos of my new york (some ideas: naked pic of j w/his sax? :) ).

flashbacks

feb 26 2003

(originally to hernan)
noon has arrived. it is only the beginning of the day. already? finally, a brief pause. completed 920 tasks in 5.5 precious hours. 6:30am awake, stumbling and I find my awake self somewhere between 6:40 and 6:50. down the flight of dim stairs of my dear old building, springing out into the sunlight and the soft grumbling of passing delivery trucks. my stride has found its bounce and now i'm getting that energetic happy buzz inside. through the door i go, happy gym greeter slides me through and now the lights and breathing and laughter are falling all around me. it is great to be awake, it is great to be here!
jose, my trainer - it's sadly our last day. he's like my big brother now. we laugh about my tai chi hands while i do swing kicks. i'm firmer in my mind now, and yesterday the yoga instructor said my body looks strong. and i know that's because my mind and my body are both strong. they grow together now, and not in opposition. jose and i shook hands goodbye, though hopefully we'll start training again. but now is time to go home and i find my notebook to write my exercises down. don't forget to read, i pick up howard zinn and read about the colonial ruler's deception in the language of liberty and freedom. hmm.
doze for 5 minutes and off i'm back to my new favorite room, the kitchen. chop chop! tomatoes, cilantro, onions. into the blender. swish. some lime juice and into the dish it goes. my own pico de gallo and my egg white omelettes, some indonesian coffee, and i'm out the door again w/my other meals for the day in a brown paper bag.
in the office i finish all the other little tasks. two hours and time warner, doctor, dentist, emails, excel chart, faxes, ... a surprise freelance project comes through on my cell!! ... they're all through.
now i'm sitting here, feeling there's another thing to do... then i think about you and write down my life.
i love that you make me do this every once in a while. m
ps hit me back with one. ok?

may 4 2002 (philippines)

(originally to hernan)
it's sunday morning here at 7:05AM (which means it's about 4PM your time) and i just got back from a 1.5 hour walk with my dad around our neighborhood, Ayala Alabang. mostly we walked in silence, admiring the huge houses (or what we could see through the cracks of the monstrous marble gates) of a singer/movie star, and of the developer family Ayala/Zobel's. toward the end he kept asking me if i wanted to rest, but i was determined to finish what i started...
last night my mom teased me, as always, about my intent to exercise that has not transpired this week (though i have been exercising the other weeks--laps in our swimming pool). i am self-conscious about my bulbous "tummy"--ako ang tiyan ko malaki! (one of the many phrases i am picking up in tagalog... still can hardly understand anyone though!) my legs hurt and i feel sticky from the mosquito repellent, sweat and humidity... my hair is starting to relax from its curled frenzy from the dripping morning air, because i'm sitting in the computer room's artificial coolness.
i just received your email--i am still thinking about and writing my response to you. for days i have been working on a lot of different writing... writing a query and proposal letter for a progressive travel magazine article, another one for a novel (always hope), and a monologue to use for an independent film audition.
i spend most of my other time hanging out with mom in the bedroom, writing/emailing/watching tv here, eating with them in the dining room with the cook and maids serving our dinner, or going out in our maroon mercedes van with our driver. We go shopping at Ayala Town Center (with its palm-studded Corte De La Palmas and incredible halo-halo at HaagenDazs Cafe) or its more common, larger competition, Festival Mall, where Mom warns me to never follow a person who talks to you in an "official" manner without a uniform (kidnappings and robbings start this way here).
Then I think about Jay. He calls me once a week... this week, twice. My mom really likes him so far and we talk about him a lot, the possible future. I think about the "crisis" I felt over him in March when I wanted to break up with him. Over time as I wait and see how my feelings are forming, I find my lust and love for him rise and fall, but ultimately moving towards an increase--I think about the future with him. Perhaps I should focus more on the presence and let it give birth to the future... this is what he always says, in one form or another. In any case, we have become increasingly close as friends and fellow artists.
Today my cousin Jopie and I are giving Mom an early mother's day lunch; Jopie is a writer and she is like my big sister. I respect her more and more as she gives me tips on writing. We went to see a play, then the Intramuros, an old fortified city within Maynila (the filipino name for Manila). I saw a shrine to Jose Rizal, the intellectual/politician/scientist/artist who died for his nationalistic views. In his thoughts and emotions about the Philippines, her nature, her beauty, her independence, I see the father and husband that I would want to have. He tells the story of a moth that kept flying towards the light, and gets burned... but how i would fly towards that light again, he proclaims. I would do it over and over again, for my people.
I have fallen in love with this country; and like all loves, feel frustration with the people, the culture as I come out of the honeymoon. But I will keep flying back to it...no words can describe the bond of blood I feel here, looking at all the brown faces and soft tagalog spoken around me. This place feels, in my reflections, like a cradle and a tomb, like a garden of Eve with unforeseen dangers and possibilities. I am enraptured, repulsed, frustrated, at peace, restless.
A few days ago my father and I met the President of some foundation and the wife of the Ambassador (to US) to plan a medical mission. I felt so nervous and restless, but finally became comfortable. They were excited that I had studied psychology and offered to introduce us to many opportunities to serve people here... in a few days we will be visiting an orphanage. I have decided in terms of my career... to take risks, to be willing to fail, to give my best effort in all of my talents... and let Fate give some lead on my decisions. I wrote NYU and said I'd like to come back Fall 2003 if possible (they asked about this coming Fall instead). I'm buying time for Fate's (God's) hand...
One last analogy... I visited Mass for the 2nd time in years. The church, built by that President of the Foundation, is made of philippine mahagony... the air breathes in and out, as the sides are open to the gardena all about. I was afraid/confused/shy to do communion, but this time I went up. When I reached the priest, I said "amen," but he didn't hear me. "AMEN" he yelled (almost) when i got the bread. When I told mom and dad they thought it was funny. "He was saying, 'AMEN, you're back!'" Mom said.
(When I think back on these 5 weeks, I have so many funny moments to share too... did I email you my lizard story?)
Take care my dear- m

Feb 15 protest pics from around the world [>]

looking for blizzard / protest nyc pics? [>] (look up feb 20 2003 on this site: incredible pics.)