i'm going to write some more for the benefit of no one but myself. don't give a shit if you are reading anymore . i had a hidden blog once but fuck that. let's just say it all to the world. you dont' know who i am anyway. no one could know the dark shit that fills me, not even me. blocked. that's the way i take reaching for the light that i wonder more and more if it's just an unattainable piece of whatever it is, universe or god or spirit or... goodness or "fulfillment" i wish i could just grasp that but if not i can't take the gray anymore no no i want just the dark black aloneness just sitting with the chaos swirling and not having to please a fuckin' soul. no more of that. let me just be happy in my dark black aloneness, and why don't you just leave me be. if you cool you can sit with me in your own black hole and we can just be. yea.