to starve or not to starve. that is the question for tonight. as it always has been. i get so tired of filipino family brainwashing. so resigned to black and white questions, black and white views of the future. it is so easy for me to get caught up in the hierarchies and structure of any organization. whether it's the family, where the moms constantly compare and preen their kids and make them absolutely paranoid and afraid to step out for themselves... religion... work... etc. it's not really anyone's fault. it's the culture mom and dad were raised in, and they mean well.

but i'm old enough to know better, and definitely old enough to act on the wisdom i'm slowly gaining, that the militaristic hierarchy of do's, don'ts, shouldn'ts and should's in my head are blocking out the real world as it is. the real world is an anarchy. that you can shape. going to small claims court was a reality check because in theory it's about what's right. no, a court of law is just a group of people operating to a set of rules designed to help uphold what is right, but who eventually wins out is the one who knows what rules work for them, but also know where there really is no hard rule.

there is something beyond the boundaries mom and dad laid out. it's seductive, perhaps dangerous, but maybe it will lead on a visionary path, to something sacred, even.