It's been a while... sorry.

Damn War. Making people I care about upset and angry all day. I keep thinking about people, like friends who I don't know, who are in Iraq, hiding, waiting. It's so unfair.

A quote from someone there: (a young Iraqi's blog)

What is bringing on this rant is the question that has
been bugging for days now: how could “support
democracy in Iraq” become to mean “bomb the hell out
of Iraq”? why did it end up that democracy won’t
happen unless we go thru war? Nobody minded an
un-democratic Iraq for a very long time, now people
have decided to bomb us to democracy? Well, thank you!
how thoughtful.

Catch up: My back's been fixed more or less by my awesome PT therapy and diligent workout life I've acquired. Discovery: I love exercise and healthy food! Wow. My body's lookin' good. The "dead bored" energy has gone. Yay! Also I had a b-day. I'm 29.

Refuge from the Media: Some creative activities i've been engaging myself in for the past month.
1) Knitting. made 3 hats (one for jay, which he lost. got to make another), a knit rose for a hat, a sweater, mittens.
2) Piano lessons with jason lindner. Learning jazz, latin:
first lesson: learn the major and minor 7th chords in all keys.
second lesson: learn major and minor ninths with 7-3 voicings, and ii-V-I transitions; leads into montunos. also learn chromatic scale (1), whole tone scale (2), diminished
chords (2) in all inversions
3) Salsa lessons with j's friend. j and i are going to go to nell's
4) Working out (yes to me this is creative) at equinox. personal training's ended so now i'm doing the BLF challenge. As far as other health things go: keeping up my PT exercises, and my skin. The free facial at skinklinic was terrific - got their products. My face looks so different after only one time. Glycolic rules.
5) Cooking. goes with BLF, but i'm trying new things. my friend suzie can bake (her father's a baker, he baked for all these institutions in sweden). gonna try non-fat (and fatty!) desserts
6) Decorating and logically solving the spatial issues in my walkthrough apartment
7) Work at TPR - it's been getting crazy. lots of interesting stats projects, hard projects. makin' extra bucks freelance, too.

Next: painting with oils, sewing sweater patches/finishing my knit sweater w/patches, inventing sewn knick-knacks (key idea, for example) to sell, making an art book (re-doing the one from columbia art class), coming up with a theme for this blog including digital photos of my new york (some ideas: naked pic of j w/his sax? :) ).

flashbacks

feb 26 2003

(originally to hernan)
noon has arrived. it is only the beginning of the day. already? finally, a brief pause. completed 920 tasks in 5.5 precious hours. 6:30am awake, stumbling and I find my awake self somewhere between 6:40 and 6:50. down the flight of dim stairs of my dear old building, springing out into the sunlight and the soft grumbling of passing delivery trucks. my stride has found its bounce and now i'm getting that energetic happy buzz inside. through the door i go, happy gym greeter slides me through and now the lights and breathing and laughter are falling all around me. it is great to be awake, it is great to be here!
jose, my trainer - it's sadly our last day. he's like my big brother now. we laugh about my tai chi hands while i do swing kicks. i'm firmer in my mind now, and yesterday the yoga instructor said my body looks strong. and i know that's because my mind and my body are both strong. they grow together now, and not in opposition. jose and i shook hands goodbye, though hopefully we'll start training again. but now is time to go home and i find my notebook to write my exercises down. don't forget to read, i pick up howard zinn and read about the colonial ruler's deception in the language of liberty and freedom. hmm.
doze for 5 minutes and off i'm back to my new favorite room, the kitchen. chop chop! tomatoes, cilantro, onions. into the blender. swish. some lime juice and into the dish it goes. my own pico de gallo and my egg white omelettes, some indonesian coffee, and i'm out the door again w/my other meals for the day in a brown paper bag.
in the office i finish all the other little tasks. two hours and time warner, doctor, dentist, emails, excel chart, faxes, ... a surprise freelance project comes through on my cell!! ... they're all through.
now i'm sitting here, feeling there's another thing to do... then i think about you and write down my life.
i love that you make me do this every once in a while. m
ps hit me back with one. ok?

may 4 2002 (philippines)

(originally to hernan)
it's sunday morning here at 7:05AM (which means it's about 4PM your time) and i just got back from a 1.5 hour walk with my dad around our neighborhood, Ayala Alabang. mostly we walked in silence, admiring the huge houses (or what we could see through the cracks of the monstrous marble gates) of a singer/movie star, and of the developer family Ayala/Zobel's. toward the end he kept asking me if i wanted to rest, but i was determined to finish what i started...
last night my mom teased me, as always, about my intent to exercise that has not transpired this week (though i have been exercising the other weeks--laps in our swimming pool). i am self-conscious about my bulbous "tummy"--ako ang tiyan ko malaki! (one of the many phrases i am picking up in tagalog... still can hardly understand anyone though!) my legs hurt and i feel sticky from the mosquito repellent, sweat and humidity... my hair is starting to relax from its curled frenzy from the dripping morning air, because i'm sitting in the computer room's artificial coolness.
i just received your email--i am still thinking about and writing my response to you. for days i have been working on a lot of different writing... writing a query and proposal letter for a progressive travel magazine article, another one for a novel (always hope), and a monologue to use for an independent film audition.
i spend most of my other time hanging out with mom in the bedroom, writing/emailing/watching tv here, eating with them in the dining room with the cook and maids serving our dinner, or going out in our maroon mercedes van with our driver. We go shopping at Ayala Town Center (with its palm-studded Corte De La Palmas and incredible halo-halo at HaagenDazs Cafe) or its more common, larger competition, Festival Mall, where Mom warns me to never follow a person who talks to you in an "official" manner without a uniform (kidnappings and robbings start this way here).
Then I think about Jay. He calls me once a week... this week, twice. My mom really likes him so far and we talk about him a lot, the possible future. I think about the "crisis" I felt over him in March when I wanted to break up with him. Over time as I wait and see how my feelings are forming, I find my lust and love for him rise and fall, but ultimately moving towards an increase--I think about the future with him. Perhaps I should focus more on the presence and let it give birth to the future... this is what he always says, in one form or another. In any case, we have become increasingly close as friends and fellow artists.
Today my cousin Jopie and I are giving Mom an early mother's day lunch; Jopie is a writer and she is like my big sister. I respect her more and more as she gives me tips on writing. We went to see a play, then the Intramuros, an old fortified city within Maynila (the filipino name for Manila). I saw a shrine to Jose Rizal, the intellectual/politician/scientist/artist who died for his nationalistic views. In his thoughts and emotions about the Philippines, her nature, her beauty, her independence, I see the father and husband that I would want to have. He tells the story of a moth that kept flying towards the light, and gets burned... but how i would fly towards that light again, he proclaims. I would do it over and over again, for my people.
I have fallen in love with this country; and like all loves, feel frustration with the people, the culture as I come out of the honeymoon. But I will keep flying back to it...no words can describe the bond of blood I feel here, looking at all the brown faces and soft tagalog spoken around me. This place feels, in my reflections, like a cradle and a tomb, like a garden of Eve with unforeseen dangers and possibilities. I am enraptured, repulsed, frustrated, at peace, restless.
A few days ago my father and I met the President of some foundation and the wife of the Ambassador (to US) to plan a medical mission. I felt so nervous and restless, but finally became comfortable. They were excited that I had studied psychology and offered to introduce us to many opportunities to serve people here... in a few days we will be visiting an orphanage. I have decided in terms of my career... to take risks, to be willing to fail, to give my best effort in all of my talents... and let Fate give some lead on my decisions. I wrote NYU and said I'd like to come back Fall 2003 if possible (they asked about this coming Fall instead). I'm buying time for Fate's (God's) hand...
One last analogy... I visited Mass for the 2nd time in years. The church, built by that President of the Foundation, is made of philippine mahagony... the air breathes in and out, as the sides are open to the gardena all about. I was afraid/confused/shy to do communion, but this time I went up. When I reached the priest, I said "amen," but he didn't hear me. "AMEN" he yelled (almost) when i got the bread. When I told mom and dad they thought it was funny. "He was saying, 'AMEN, you're back!'" Mom said.
(When I think back on these 5 weeks, I have so many funny moments to share too... did I email you my lizard story?)
Take care my dear- m

Feb 15 protest pics from around the world [>]

looking for blizzard / protest nyc pics? [>] (look up feb 20 2003 on this site: incredible pics.)