The super opened both of our doors so I could get more heat into my apartment. I was emb bc I was in bed under the covers w. No clothes but he was a gentleman.

We were at d's acr, in the bathroom. D said he wanted to go to my apt. He started gathering stuff to bring over. It hadn't dawned on me that he really wanted to do it and def not at that moment. I asked what he was doing and he said me that we really were going to head over. ( is this dream based on a wish, or on intuition?)

Realization that I don't think much about pleasure.

Asked mom to throw Xmas party so I could invite b: and have real bonding among our friends. chem as presents

The aerosols- name of the band

1. Mercedes
2. Eating ch withb mom
3. Free concert, dad, jj. Get tix later Robert, girl get tix
4, north Carolina cottage jj terrifies remembers name. Bathro finding tix in dads vest, woman waiting to use
6. Back with Robert to office to meet fam. Lobby entrance has elevator.

3 dreams. 1 twin.
1. At a conference, I take a homely servant down to the hotel basement for some action. When I came back up, the hotel mgr demanded I pay for a room and a guest fee.
D: He dreams we are in a house and he's telling me about a hot chick. I have a servant summon her. I ask the girl questions, and don't like how the servant is talking and I put my finger to my lips.
2. Dr L. starting to make the moves in me in front of other people. We are sitting in a circle with one other person, a man.

Twin dreams

Twin dreams with D today:

1) D dreamt he was at the house he where grew up in Ohio, with me and a cute black and white, medium size dog (buddy??). There were dominatrixes in the house too,
running an S&M business. He was upset with them and wanted them to leave, because he was afraid they would let the dog out. I was a dominatrix too but not with them. I wasn't doing dominatrix stuff during the dream. (When I asked him what he thought it was about, and he said he didn't know and wondered what I thought. I asked what he thought again, and he said maybe that he likes dogs because the dog was there. (that dog is very representative of his wanting relationships.)

2) I dreamt that we were at a house, staying with a bunch of people, and my brother was there too. We were sitting together in a room, talking about all kinds of things and reminiscing. Then Dan had to go to school (we were all Columbia U students) and he put on a white wool jacket to go. I was sad and missed him because we were just
starting to prepare a party and he wasn't there. A bunch of dominatrix-like girls were preparing the bbq, and I got annoyed because one of them brought the outdoor cleaning broom/bin inside to the kitchen. In the midst of organizing the BBQ, they decided to move it to the front yard.
----
New relationship issues... D told me that he doesn't want me to assume we'll hang every Saturday, because he's afraid of routine and getting bored. He also he fears being alone, yet is so comfortable being alone, so he needs a lot of space. I get so mad but then he's so happy when I've given him space, and I like being around him when he's happy. Ugh. Relationships.

Exam hell - Orgo 1

3 dreams:
1. Mom and I were in a new beautiful house with incredible moldings in the ceiling. But there was some type of leak that was spreading from the upper floors, leaving a liquid brown trail. We sat looking up at the beautiful moldings and I told mom, good thing we have those really nice ceiling moldings. The leak was hidden behind them.
2. B&b model project opened a branch in the ghetto, to help out the neighborhood and market themselves. They asked the ghetto kids to help them promote. One of the girls said, "no way!! am I going to do that!"
3. I was standing in my bathroom with Brad and I was telling him how I had a revelation that really helped me understand the conservative/neocon point of view. He nodded though a bit skeptically.
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These dreams came after I finished hell week. Earlier in the week I had more dreams where I was doing a chick who came up to me at a conference. She lived in a commune and had to kick 16 people out of her room. So I brought her to my studio but the landlord had been working on my door locks but they were even more busted with only a piece of wood on the door that didn't hold it shut. Dr R thinks that dream is about pleasing my mom. That's what I think about when going through this med school hell, is making my mom happy. It's a bigger part of it all then I care to admit.

Perhaps the leak, the B&b promotion, and my realization about neocons are all the same thing... the doubts, persuading myself to think and do things that are not necessarily what I want, at least not 100%. The drive and dream to get into med school and become a physician is now a bigger % mine than before, but perhaps it's still only a fraction, maybe 50 or 60%, of it all. People are skeptical.

Gary and B and rationalization

B told me that his boyfriend, Gary, got married to their friend
upstairs, who had already been married before. When I expressed
confusion about the scenario, B assured me that it was okay but it
obviously seemed like rationalization, intellectualization. I felt
frustrated and sad for B.
----
H had challenged me last night about my actions with d this past
weekend (Halloween, we played after I didn't speak with him for 2
weeks). He said I was rationalizing; it's easy to be deceived. I don't
think I am. But the most helpful thing was 1) he also challenged me to
think "why am I doing this" for every action and 2) d's friend bry
said in general you have to listen to your heart esp when u r highly
intellectual. jade says the same thing.

ICOC homecoming

I was at a gathering at X's apartment, who used to lead hunter with Andrew and had a frog tat on her toe. This was years later after I'd already left. I mentioned that I was not into the church thing anymore, and X had a hard time keeping a straight face; her disapproval was in her body language.
Monica was there too and was loudly verbally gossiping about me. So through the door I started loudly gossiping about what a b* leader she was.
On the other side of the apartment were those of us who left. One girl was there, Carla (not a person from real life) who I found hilarious. I brought a bunch of filipino desserts and fruits for us to munch on, while we were discussing having left, and the others. I ate mostly then offered it to others, who all pounced on it.
I was walking down some stairs outside with one of the guys from the party, who looked like Andy from the bear ride (who helped Serena). I felt confident and in control.
----------
I had told H about my interactions with R, S and Cole (who had all sort of hit on me one way or another) and the verdict was basically to move on. Although H was sort of hitting on me too. I am pretty much over the crushes for now. It's nice to be admired, though.

Moving Dream

I was moving from my apartment in Dave's house; but I had a different landlord, who was a middle eastern or black guy who was trying to help me for the move, which I had waited to do til the last minute. I started trying to pack stuff, but there no boxes for move, except for cardboard boxes I had stored stuff in. I moved around videotapes in existing box in an attempt to start putting things in there.

My new apt is in town, and I wonder about parking space for my car since parking tix come easily. There's a driveway for car in back, wonder if the landlord will let me use it. I see a pretty indian girl with a car back there who says hello to me as she walks to her car, talking on phone with friend about indian things, and I wonder if she lives there too.

Suddenly I'm in the driveway with Nadine L in the car with husband. She is talking on the phone giving advice as a lawyer. Her husband takes the rear mirror, and adjusts it at a weird angle for a friend of mine who's sitting in passenger seat, and doesn't want it the regular way for some reason. He bends it to the right, not very useful for the driver. I flipped down the mirror to try and help them. he wants it facing him so he can actually use the mirror somehow. I put it back for him and he makes minor adjustments.
--------------------
I have a new crush, yet am feeling anxiety about any possibility of a new relationship. I fear that it will just remain a crush and will be a painful one to boot, and I am just not ready to feel any pain again. Yet I still pursue it in my mind; can't help it. He is giving mixed signals, and those signals were leaning toward not interested today. I wonder if he is gay. He sent me pics of me he took today when we were riding. Pushed me up the hill. Talked to me. Yet avoided my gaze the entire time.

Keys, and a Blue Snake Pulls Out a Gold Bracelet

A bunch of us were at the office at night due to some kind of convention or event. Steve m was cleaning out a cubicle as I watched. There was a file holder with a bunch of keys in them that he started to throw away, and I stopped him. Then Jenny G from TNT came up and said no, I had to throw them out. But I thought I needed them and made Steve keep them even though it was in a messy pile and I didn't necessarily know what they opened.

I was walking through the lobby and walked past the "Derek C" show (Jeremy H's psychic). His face was painted in white outline against a blue wall. This was clearly where the studio audience went to go see his show live.

Then I was outside somewhere that looked like Harlem. I watched a hispanic street guy washing something blue by one of those roller carts. When I looked again, I realized it was a big blue snake (same bright blue as Derek C's show's wall) that he was washing. The man was holding him out like he was a little afraid. I had for some reason swallowed a gold chain and some other things. Before I knew it, I had the blue snake in my stomach, and his head was coming out of my mouth. I freaked, but then realized that I just had to relax my stomach and the snake would come out. When he came out completely, the gold bracelet came out with him. I swallowed it back.

The snake slithered out to the corner where some regular moms stood with children and their dogs. The mom welcomed the snake as if she knew the snake, as if it were a cute dog.
-----
I had called Derek C bc I knew I had to make some big decisions. I let him know later that I thought it was a lot of money, until I had to make a big decision where I really needed to talk to him. At first I thought the topic for discussion would be about ph vs us med, but this morning I realized I should talk to him about Columbia v Hunter since I got a 2nd interview at C for a research job although it paid half of what I make now, with little chance to publish. I am loving my work at S right now and my salary so I feel really torn. Last night I had gone to orientation at H and told C and Frank about the decision. I really don't know what I'll do if I'm offered the position. I really want to continue work with S but don't know if that's possible, even on a consulting basis with school and f/t at Columbia.

This dream is clearly related to that conflict over losing half my salary to the possible C med ctr research position that may be offered to me (I got a second interview yesterday).

Keys represent opportunity and unexpected changes. Work (Steve M) has been presenting opportunities lately, and my pursuit of medicine/passion (which Jenny G represents through TNT) represents my having to reject the opportunities that my work with S presents.

Blue represents intellectual and spiritual insights. The blue snake stand for fear... as well as transformation, death, rebirth as a result of those insights. Perhaps the dream says that once I let go of the fear, that is what will bring rebirth and success out of me (gold). But I wanted to keep the gold in my stomach. Stomach represents new changes, which hold success and wealth but it is shown to me before it is given to me in the transformation.

And the mothers who welcomed the snake like a cute pet -- I viewed them in the dream as typical, average people with family and kids -- a future I feel really ambivalent about at this point. Yet the snake leaves me to the gold and becomes a pet of the average person, who I am not. Not sure what that's about.

Wilderness and the Healed to become Healer

I was in California with mom and our "family" (who I didn't know) and we were camping out in the woods for some reason (looked like the campground from Maui). Mom was making some food in a fire, and I noticed that there were three tents to house all of us. It was very roomy. I marveled at the fact that we were camping, and wondered why we had decided to do that.

Then I was at D's and my old apartment. I was helping get the closet room ready for the party, and Bruce from work was helping me. We started arranging folding chairs against the walls, and I noticed a piano, not the steinway, was in the room. F, D's dad, told me that the steinway was given away, but they kept the other piano. I didn't remember there being another piano.

I started looking my Zipp 202s, which I had left at the house, and in a corner instead I found some other things, mostly gloves, pillow cases, scarves. Then I went into the office room and in the corner were a bunch of wheels clustered together. They included some crappy wheels plus some extremely nice wheels, recent model 303s, that were clumped in there. I was pretty excited to find those and started digging them out. Then D came out and started being an annoying, whiny bastard, and I remember being irritated with him. Stefan, D's friend, was there, watching the conflict from behind D, but choosing not comment or involve himself.

Then later S came up to me with a pretty girl friend of his, while I was dealing with the wheels. He said that she wanted to know if she should see a doctor about her face, which was numb along the jawline. I said that she should go see a doctor about it, and stated a few things it might be. And then she tried to get me to give her real medical advice so she wouldn't have to see a doctor. I said that I couldn't help her because I didn't know the answer and that she should go to a doctor. I was not a doctor in the dream, but somehow she felt that I could still help her.
----
I've been thinking about forgiveness for both mom and D. Not sure what camping dream is about; maybe it's that mom's and my relationship is in the wilderness now, living in an unfamiliar setting because I am now deciding to not talk to her often and figure out the best way to handle her toxic ways.

The apartment is D's and my relationship. The "other" piano represents the new girl, while the steinway that was given away, represents me. Bruce and the party is my getting ready to make sense of the relationship; however there is still some unfinished business, like my getting my stuff out. However there are some undiscovered gems or lessons, represented by the unexpected Zipp 303 find, as well as still painful memories, with D yelling and S observing it all. (D gossiped meanly about me to all of his friends. That hurt.) The girl wanting my medical advice is just a likely result of the relationship--people needing me to become a healer, as I will become a good one through my making sense of my own emotions.

I had met a new boy on my bike ride yesterday too. Probably won't lead anywhere, but definitely generated some feelings.

White kit

me, inge, and 2 other girls (heidi maybe, and another inexperienced one) were on comedy central and had on white kits. the inexperienced girl didn't know anything, was confused... i knew when i should wear my kit and when i shouldn't. We went to a theater/locker room somewhere (locker room was upstairs), I was offstage taking off the kit when K walked on stage and started reading something I'd written about wanting to sell some stuff, to a crowd out in the audience. She began to criticize it onstage, saying I should have stated it more simply. It was written in a very complicated, overly formal way (like a bad med school essay).
Later K and I were at someone's house, preparing food in their kitchen. I asked her how I could change it to be simpler, and she started to say but I already knew and told her how I would. Then I asked her why she had to go and criticize me in front of a whole bunch of people like that.

---
I know now that I am exceptionally smart and talented, and furthermore am able to stand up for myself.
I think there's something also about image and the costume, that I know my true self and only put on the image when it's needed for less enlightened people, since i can't walk around with a harvard diploma all day.
Also I will stand up for myself, although I doubt myself initially -- but I overcome it and realize again, that I am talented, smart and can overcome others' criticisms and even learn from them. Whether the criticism is reasonable or not, I'll learn how realistic or unrealistic that person is.

2 other dreams from the weekend.

1. C, an older premed friend who overcame a lot, had a party. He was being hounded by journalists, even helicopters. I asked him why. He said it may have to do with the fact he edited the stanford newspaper.
We were then in a basement, and he was having us all write an exercise. He told us to write down the question, and then we would write down the answer. The questions was, what activity do you do that inspires you? I asked him to repeat the question. Then I was going to write about triathlon, but decided to write about writing instead. I wrote: "Writing inspires me because it helps me sort out my thoughts." Then I began to elaborate. The others were still confused about the question itself and were still trying to write it down.

2. I was in a triathlon, which had a big party before it. L, my coworker and now boss, was in the race too. Right before the run, I sat down to read a book, very contemplatively, and got caught up in it so that I nearly forgot I was in a race. When I realized it, I began to run, with the book. I reached the finish line, and L came up right after me. She said, "You are so nice this time!" I honestly felt that I had been the same. She was just interpreting my behavior differently.
--------------
C is basically me, and what I want to achieve. What do I want? To perfect something. To be extremely good at something. But what I also want to do is to help people learn about and transform themselves through hearing about my experiences. That is my goal. It is what I'm good at doing.

I have learned a lot from triathlon. The most valuable thing? To slow down, and think. To not push all my activity to a rigid goal, but to be aware of the situation and be flexible; I will still reach my goal. That's what's different about how I am approaching medicine this time. Among other things, it has helped L to feel happier and less threatened by me, but it has already begun to improve my relationships in general. I had decided this weekend to make relationships a priority above everything else.

tita cher and the pig fetuses

tita cherry had agreed to give us pig fetuses and some candles. we had paid her; they were passed down to us from an altar. but there were hungry tigers in the congregation, and they chewed the fetuses up on the way, although the candles were okay. i was upset about the chewed up pig fetuses and confronted her. I asked her, what would YOU expect if you paid $100 for something. she smiled helplessly and shrugged her shoulders as she usually does when she thinks i'm totally wrong but she can't persuade me.
---
tita cher is herself, with all the promises that medicine would meet my needs, assuming mine are the same as the family's -- but mine are not. they are ego needs, vs. the economic needs of my family who were raised in the philippines. she thinks i should do med school in the philippines to save money. good point, as i hate debt, but what am i giving up if get into school here but decide to go to ph anyway?
earlier as part of the seven stories exercise, i'd written how proud i was to enjoy the dissection of pig fetuses in bio. the pig fetuses represent my goals to do surgery; the wolves are my tita cherry's perspective, and perhaps my own realism, attempting to destroy in my dreams which i have begun to invest in. That investment includes my own opening up to tita cher.

Music

This morning: Put on "I'm Just a Girl" (No Doubt) for no reason.
Meditation: Reading Jade's book on Hecate, he explains the power of woman to burn karma. Then I remembered Susan's telling me of seeing Dave's higher self over me. These two ideas together really transform the way I see him and our friendship.

Post Jade karma reading and future success in film 3/9/09

Richard Branson (Virgin founder) was in the bleachers at the back of this beach I've dreamt of before -- where large tidal waves came in to destroy in past dreams, there now was a calm ocean but in the middle of the night. And although it was the middle of the night, he asked me to join him scuba diving. He was about to start a trip into the ocean but the person he was going with had not shown up and so he invited me to take his place. I dove into the ocean with him but realized I needed equipment I went to mom's across the street to grab stuff, and I kept forgetting stuff and having to come back. She nagged a little. I finally had all of my stuff, and the other person had shown up too, but apparently it was fine and we all gathered our equipment together to head out into the sea.

Nikki dream

I was at a Xmas party hosted by B. and their family. I was trying to fit in as J. was feeling jealous and wierd with me. My job was to put up one wall of Xmas lights against the ceiling - the other 3 walls were done. I tried to put a set of lights up that matched, but they totally mismatched and blinked in a clashing pattern. I went to the bathroom to fix my makeup. The bathroom was a public bathroom. Nikki was there covered in the ladies' sanitary bin trash. She looked so cute, like uh oh I'm going to get into trouble. Then I was bringing Nikki to church with my mom and dad. I only wanted to bring her because they said dogs were welcome. We had to go down a very crowded hallway, lots of people. I had to pull a little on her leash because she was all tremblina and scared. I decided it would be best to leave with her, and she was very relieved by that.
---
Been having second thoughts about going back to move to MD and whether I would really fit in. I left because that area was too conservative for me, and thought I've changed and grown enough to handle it better, but during Xmas I found that was totally not the case.

Old woman dreams

1. Dec 08 -- I was talking with a young woman in the street. Suddenly she disappeared and her sister appeared, looking for her. We entered an apartment and found her, but now she was an older woman. It turned out she was not a ghost but someone living in another dimension. We were in an amazing apartment, beautifully appointed. But she was running from something that was chasing her. We got in a SUV and she had a crew of tough dread guys in the back. A grungy goth chick broke into the car as we were driving and I knew she was evil and had something scary and wrong with her. The dread guy struggled with her as he tried to push her out of the car.

2. 1/2/08 -- I was in charge of helping a very sick older woman travel home by plane. I was part of a team of doctors who was to ensure she and another patient stayed hooked up to machines. The other patient was a young woman who was easy to care for, very obedient. But the older woman refused to stay hooked up and tore the machines off, and wandered around, ranting at those who were trying to take care of her. When we landed, her family, who was also resistant, were there. The older lady complained to the doctor that she felt a burning in her crotch. The doctor said that complaint was so overused and was nothing. I told the doctor with urgency that we really needed to talk to the family to make sure they ensured the older lady got treatment, but the doctor shrugged and refused to do anything. I gathered the family together to talk to them, and motioned the doctor to come over but she would not.

Worried about getting older; struggling with "evil Minda" named by dave and mom; soul searching; move to Walden.