night out w.dave's FAPOS crew

dave's friend terry has the most adorable baby in the universe, Kiera... sje looks like a little kewpie doll. dave was nervous about his friend's g/f who he was seeing for 1st time after a falling out. went back to his place and chilled with everyone... edwin did pushups in the street and dave almost gave $40 to a driver for $23 ride (!) but he got his money back. i started to feel insecure as i always do in groups... though they are the most chill guys. all of them are so nice and bright and interesting. his friendship with stefan, in particular, is beautiful. i'm so glad i have a best friend too in bobby. i wish i had a group friends like them who had known me from high school in the same city, who have no bullshit when it comes to realness and friendship. dave is so lucky... but i do have my crew: bobby, libre, even the bronx artists... they make up for those sad times.
it's so amazing that i can tell dave how i feel, how i get "antisocial" seeming with groups of people... that i can tell him what hurts me and he doesn't get mad but totally gets it. (**I AM** the luckiest girl in the world!)
i wish i could be as comfortable speaking to a group of people as he is. i love that about him.
-----------------------------------------------
jj ordered some chinese food. i had ordered some special food earlier to coincide at the same time. when our food finally arrived, i looked for the "special" food but couldn't find it at first. right when i was about to get upset, the food showed up at the door (or was it hidden and i found it?)

i was at my "family's" house (not the real one) and i was terrified, trying to hide under the bed because my abusive father (not the real one) was hunting the whole family down. i remembered that he had slashed words into our wrists with a knife. i was so scared, afraid to get found...

i thought i was awake...

later after the incident, i asked dave to come walk w/me to talk about the terrifying incident in the house and the abuse i had encountered with the family (the dream one). he and i went out on amsterdam and i was looking for a good coffee shop.

then we were lying in bed in his apartment, and it turned out his apartment had two floors with a dominican family living above. the dominicans had to come down through his bedroom in order to exit the apartment. they came down, had their coats on as if coming from or going to a party. some went through the door, others to the kitchen to do stuff. finally they all left. i felt annoyed but resigned at the same time, at the inconvenience...

i love him

i am totally and ridiculously and wholly in love with dave. i am not afraid. no doubts anymore.... he loves me and wants me and desires me... i feel it down to my bones and i see it in his eyes. i see it and feel it and know it.

i've been looking for you... i've found you. what he whispered to me in the kitchen outside of book club... he says it for me.
-----------------
i was in a museum. i was coming down an escalator that led to some
gardens. people were waiting in a line. bobby was in
the line and dave was too.

bobby had a cell phone and he programmed it so that he
could give me some money through it. he handed it to
me. but dave took it from me and added more money to
it; then dave gave it to me.

ROTK EE

the ongoing themes for me... conflicts about pleasure vs. duty ... an esoteric dream. this is a hard one.

we had seen the EE of ROTK that night. i was crying like crazy at all the scenes, old and new... especially the coronation, and faramir meets eowyn. met the FAPOS for the first time. edwin was loud. i was trying to be loud with him and as it usually happens i came out sounding dumb sometimes. oh it just takes practice...

that same night ** dreamed he was looking for me after a hellish time in grad school earlier in the dream. my "ex," some hot guy was following him like gollum, and asked ** for anal sex. he refused and grabbed/broke a wine bottle to protect himself from the ex.
-----------------------------------
i was a little blond boy in a one-room schoolhouse. my teacher had me setting up tables with napkins and plates as "work" in exchange for 5% off my lunch. i as myself had ordered weed from a dealer, who was waiting in the school's basketball court. the teacher told the little blond boy to go to the dealer because he was supposed to be a role model or mentor. when i as little boy went to the basketball court, i saw they were throwing a party for me. bobby was by the court preparing food. there were tables and tables of food.

I have found him

after an amazing night of hearing philosophy debate between the history giant hernan, julio and dave... with whom, i now realize, i am fully and completely falling ridiculously hard in love with... and yet i get this bugging feeling that maybe i'm not ready, it's too fast, though a few months ago i felt totally ready to be in a relationship again. we were up all night talking, and all that echoed in my mind was: i love you. i love you. i love you.

oh love, i have finally found you. crazy but sane.

we are exclusive... still, i'm terrified...
-----------------------------------------------------
i'm at jay's place, some apt i've never seen. we're also walking through some streets... he is telling me about two girls he dated other than the rebound girlfriend, women he had never mentioned before. i kept asking him to repeat detais because i couldn't get them straight. all along i was thinking of telling him about dave my new boyfriend, but i still felt hesitant to tell him, same feeling i get now. i felt the same non-attraction but caring feeling i have for jay in real life.

he had a dog and he said, remember how i used to keep him locked in the room when we were doing it? and i said, well with my boyfriend dave, nikki can wander and it's fine! i looked at the dog, who's brown & black like nikki but a different breed... like a poodle/barney dog (monie's old dog). he's lying on the ground, looking up at me.

fear, relief, love

knowing how tech savvy dave is, he's probably found my blog.
------------------------------
he said i have lucy liu eyes...

you stand there,
leaves falling behind,
as if holding me
up against the sky -
though you are twenty feet away
with the dogs and their autumn freedom
crunching all around us,
i could hear you breathing.

i am falling
into that longing
in your eyes.

----------------------------
i have never felt like i was falling so hard. please let this not be an illusion. please let it be real, let it stand the test of some time, let it become clear because i feel like i have found...

Tons of dates and uncertainty later...

Inspired by my film project, by intakes at WSI... falling for, yet uncertain about DM after about 8 dates though he seems to really dig me... setting up other dates but feeling ambivalent...
-------------
I was trying to get to the airport for my flight to the Philippines. Mom said she could drive me, but only took me as far as Astor Place then went home. I was fine at first, until I found I could not get any cabs. I was incredibly pissed at Mom. So I started to walk and around 3rd Ave a ghetto ass station wagon cab pulled up. It was maroon and this derelict was driving it. The back seat was covered w/mold. I got in anyway. So we're driving and I think we're going the wrong way... we end up in some suburban neighborhood. I'm incredibly pissed off and start yelling at the driver. Then I look at the meter and it says $195 and going up. It's only a $20 trip! So I start freaking out and want to get out - maybe I can call a cab from one of these homes.
Miraculously, another cab drives and people get out. I grab my stuff out of the trunk and put it in the other car, cursing out the first cab driver and refusing to give him any money. I finally get to the airport... on time for my flight!

Mom

listening to rene block, mr. latin on 89.3

-------------------------

movies that finally move me...
motorcycle diaries
before sunrise

UMd Stats Conference...

I hate meeting people at conferences...
-------------------------------------------
I'm in this strange pageant where the only people present are some beautiful model-like but insecure women, me, and a judge who is also our trainer. We go through our training and tricks involving some kind of acrobatics, and the judge proclaims me "Miss USA." I'm surprised, but not that surprised... I tell the judge that I thought it was funny to get picked because I never even got to hang out with gorgeous people like the other models, and here I am getting judged the best. She thinks I'm being insecure and starts to reassure me, but I tell her I don't need to be. And I don't, because I know that I'm just the coolest, most intelligent, etc. person and I totally deserved it.
Ted and I are walking in front of a bank after that happened, looking in. Somehow I have privileges to something with the bank officer, but I forget what happened ... Then I'm in a car with Dad and I tell him I'm Miss USA. "Are you sure ?!" he said. He couldn't believe it because I never even told him about the pageant.
Then Ted, me and a guide are driving around on an island, perhaps a small one off of Hawaii. We stop and Ted decides to walk out and dig a tunnel into the sand with his feet. Meanwhile I notice that the tide is coming in. I realize that the sand is really volcanic ash... we are on an island that is actually a volcano all around. I tell them so. The guide confirms this. The water is coming in really fast, and the guide says he thinks there's a big storm driving the water in. I start to panic, and I called to Ted to stop digging, to hurry into the car so we can get off the edge of the island toward the safer parts... dream ends.

2nd Date w/Dave -

LOTR Extended edition @ his place
----------------
We were in 2 classrooms and in one of them teachers were preparing, meaning they were putting on clothes, skirts, etc. In the classroom next door was a group of students waiting for the teacher. Dave walked into the classroom and saw that there was no teacher, and asked where the teacher was ( or was that me?)

Texas - Work Takes Over My Life

getting a vintage desk
find that it has sewing machine that i didn't know about at first. serendipitous becuase i had a sewing machine at home that didn't work but wanted to use anyway, but i have to get a part and i was undecided about doing that or selling it and buying a new one.

Dating Games

I thought we were having another date on Wednesday, but it didn't happen. I was so sad and Bobby said he was concerned that I feel able to tolerate abuse or neglectful behavior for hope of connection and love...
-----------
Dave Michel wrote me back saying the apt was messed up by the dog and he didn't want me to see that. It was in the Bulk email box. I showed it to Bobby who interpreted the email for me.

Simone had some nets in the beach. I wanted to go drag them out because they weren't supposed to be there. A big fish was caught in the net. I brought it to the street in front of her house, and smashed it dead with my foot. I called her to come down and to let her know about it and help me bring it to her place. She took a while, seemed she was resistant to look at the fish and was reserved in my jubilance at how big the fish was. But Bobby and she finally came down to help me. I wanted to get gloves so I could handle it and not get slimy. I found some in the lobby.

Date w/Irfan

(Dream) We were driving up broadway in his car. I was sitting in the back w/2 guy friends of ours. Irfan announces he is really way too tired to drive us back. So I get out of the car and try to flag some cabs. It's really hard because they keep passing me by or someone else steals them. I ask Irfan for some cash, and he gives me a $20. The other 2 stay in the car for some reason, but I get out and keep flagging cabs. I get so pissed off and frustrated because 2 more cabs pass me by. The last one stopped then drove away just as I approached to open the door. Everyone was fighting over the cabs.

earliest memories

dad in pool
mom with swing
aunt's house w/gate and the cousins
boy with inside out eyelids

jill was showing me some tights she had bought - somehow i got the idea that she was pulling something over her mother. then i saw beautiful nadine on tv, and then her mother on tv with brother talking about or bragging about it. i see her later in a fancy designer boutique. she had gotten really big and fat, but carried herself in the same sexy, sultry european way she has, as if she were oblivious to her change.

No longer into partying

i was walking along a dirt path among tall cornfields. i came to a fork and kept walking, then realized i was a lost. a hispanic farm worker came along the path and told me i could find my way back if i just looked over the corn back toward the road. but the corn was too tall. so he led me to a spot where all the workers stayed. i met his family, a daughter of his, and felt at home. i started to feel like i was feeling attracted to the man who helped me, but he was married to a japanese woman. that made me feel happy because i didn't want to feel that attraction. but it made me feel as if he were like a father figure to me.

set in paris...

[ that day i had emailed libre, the book club, about my idea to to do a doc film on working women in the philippines. i also took a look at the fulbright applications on the web w/bobby in the evening. ]

i was in paris and went to visit sharon kim. paris was like venice for some reason; all the streets were under water. she had just gotten a tattered blue boat and i saw her driving it from below - not sure whether i was in a bridge or looking out a window, or what (you know how dreams are) . she waved at me gaily and i realized that the boat used to be my boat.

suddenly the streets are all paved again, and i'm wheeling around on some contraption with one wheel. a bunch of cute guys approach me and admire my wheels and my beauty. i flirted back, confidently.

after bobby (my best friend) moved in

i had just come back to my apartment after a long trip, and my roommate, not bobby but a different one, was there. a dog came and greeted me, a sweet-faced brown german shepherd (the european looking ones). different events ensued, and i realized that the dog was not there before my trip. he looked thin in his face, and sad, and i also realized that i had not fed the dog the whole week after i came back. i asked him if he was hungry and he nodded his head. so i wanted to go out and get him dog food, but it was late and all the stores were closed. i was distraught because i was afraid he might be in worse condition than i thought because i was not sure whether the roommate had fed him either. i didn't want him to die on me.

dream after love fest in miami

[this was in july - i've missed quite a few]

i'm with jay and we're with some other people in an old apartment, converting it to a gallery space in some hip but otherwise random town in nowhere. we're putting up walls and artwork. i look across the way and i see V humping some chick in the window. he is a pretty low-key guy so it was rather surprising.

my dream after a kinky exicc night

(starting in the meatpacking district, of course...)

my aunt, sinta, joey and i were at a hotel for some kind of a conference. mom was downstairs in the lobby doing things. we were leaving our hotel room and i realized i wanted to borrow joey's shoes because they went with my outfit. so i quickly grabbed them before we closed the door, intending to switch shoes.

joey rushed into the elevator before the doors shut, and in the rush, somehow one of her shoes fell through the space in the elevator door and fell all the way down the shaft. we went down to try to get the shoe, and i saw that a can of coke was down there too. we went to retrieve them. then later other things started falling down the elevator shaft too. my clothes, my bra, other lingerie.

my mom was down there and she was some kind a guru. people were going up to her and talking to her. she and i talked about how to get my stuff out of the elevator shaft.

my state after the breakup

or, amina (almost "anima"!)

i was with some iccers and in the attic we found amina m from holton - it was the first time we heard something up there. she was naked and dirty and i realized we hadn't seen her in three years - since a certain event (forgot what - but 3 yrs was how long i say i've been with j).

i was very concerned for her and talked with her to find out what had happened. she didn't remember but thought she had survived on eating the roof. i put her into bed, under clean sheets, as i tried to figure out what to do for her. she was much taller than i remembered.

i looked at anna leatherwood and some others and said we really needed to find a doctor. no one did anything but just looked at each other, having no idea what to do. i saw that i needed to take the lead. meanwhile amina was moaning and with just a traumatized and pained expression on her face. i felt a lot of compassion for her.

the real amina m at holton - what a story...

interpretation: you have to fight for yourself

i just spent the whole evening looking for either a new 2 bedroom to rent or a place to buy under 200k in manhattan. i'm just so tired of this place though i love my neighborhood. then i decided to stop by this blog and check out some of my old entries. as i read back on some of my dreams over the past few months (all the uncertainty, and the final breakup in May). then it hit me:

"you have to fight for yourself"

that's what dr. r said once. i know it was an interpretation. i thought all those dreams were about med school but now i'm realizing they are more than that. they are also about my emotional life and my relationship with jay. they are about a transformation that i have been resisting for some time.

dr. peck talks about "bracketing" in the road less traveled. that's when you allow a part of yourself to die off so that a part of yourself will grow. "pruning," a word tita m. used too. that definitely applies here.

it's amazing how things in life can come together yet could easily pass you by-

kara and me
kara got me a job offer in london that paid more than my job in nyc. so i took it and left that same day. i remember looking at london and seeing a metro with a very long escalator shaft. both sides were stuck and a man came along and said all we had to do was wipe off all this sticky stuff that had collected at the top and bottom. we did and then the escalators started running again.

so then we were in the office and sitting at a large table where everyone was having lunch (seemed to be the "office table" too where everyone did their work). we were having lunch on paper plates and i had a nice conversation with an older lady across from me. i remember thinking this was a great office environment and that i was going to like london even more than paris! kara seemed distracted.

we went looking for a studio and the lady showed me a hostel that had a semi-private room within a large group room. i told her i could afford a real studio. so we went to a run-down apartment building that had a small room as a studio. i walked by a man who was really handsome and he looked back at me.

i then found out that kara had her furniture and things taken from her because of some bizarre accusation that she was crazy. there was some kind of violation of her rights as an american that she couldn't fight now that she was on UK soil. she was trying to get some psychiatrists to fight for her. i said i knew some people.

i saw that she had similar hair to mine - a sort of shaggy brow cut like keira knightley's new hair. i looked back to the building where we were working and saw that it was an exact replica of our family's home in potomac. so i took a picture of it. i also took a picture of a butler who was standing in the balcony, who posed as i tried to get the picture just right.

kara's husband came along and further explained the frustrating situation. i said i could help out.

in the middle of this i remember freaking out that i left my old job so fast, and didn't even notify them i was leaving. i know i was supposed to send an email out to SRI, and though they wouldn't miss me during the day since i was supposed to do SPSS training, k would miss me at the end of the day because i was supposed to come back to the office then.

the next part of the dream

i was dj'ing some family party. mom and some old uncle were there and asking me to get the music going. i tried fiddling with the knobs on the board and keyboard but all that kept coming up was the news. mom became the old screaming mom from childhood, where she just got upset at me over something i couldn't help. i was really frustrated.

a love story

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/story_pages/news/news1.shtml

EXCLUSIVE: Truth about 55-hour marriage
Britney was my sex-mad bride
By Jane Atkinson and Carole Aye Maung

BRITNEY SPEARS bedded her childhood sweetheart "like an animal", then wrecked his life with a 55-hour marriage that stunned the world. Now, in a world exclusive interview, husband Jason Alexander details every moment of the sex, the proposal, their Vegas wedding and his humiliation as furious family and lawyers prised them apart.

"We made love in her bed, her shower and her bath," said Jason, 22. "She asked me to marry her but when her lawyers demanded I end our marriage she didn't stop them—and it caused chaos in my life."

Jason revealed that Britney proposed to him as she lay naked in his arms. And she was so excited when he said "Yes", she rushed him down the aisle without stopping to put her knickers on. As he opened his heart, Jason also told how multi-millionairess Britney:

MADE LOVE to him so frantically that they fell off the bed.
PLAYED erotic sex games with him under a shower, but
SHUFFLED silent and shamefaced as her marriage was ended, and later,
CHANGED her mobile phone number so he couldn't even talk to her.
"I didn't tell the world about this before because I still hoped we'd get back together," said Jason. "But I now realise she won't come back to me."

Britney, also 22, is now planning to marry new fiance Keith Federline, 26, after he left his heavily-pregnant partner Shar Jackson.

Thong

But Jason, who grew up with Britney in Kentwood, Louisiana, knows no marriage will be as bizarre as the one he went through. Taking up the story of the days before their wedding last January, he recalled:

"Even though she'd made it big, she still came back to Kentwood. We'd kissed but that's as far as it had gone.
"Then, last Christmas Eve she came up to my place and asked if I wanted to go to Las Vegas for the New Year with some of her friends. I said yes."

Once in Vegas, Britney paid for them all to stay in the MTV-themed Real World suite at the Palms Casino Hotel.

"We all went out to a lobster dinner and Britney looked sensational in jeans and a black halter-neck top," he said.

It was 4am by the time they went back to their hotel suite and made love for the first time.

"We knew what was going to happen," he said. "Britney started stripping off her clothes as she walked into the suite. Then we started kissing.
"She got down to just her black thong and a see-through lace bra. I've never seen a woman look more stunning.

Moans

"I wanted to make love to her and she wasn't shy in showing what she wanted. We started off in the bedroom kissing. She was good at that—she was good at everything. She was an animal in bed.
"We were both hot so I led her into the bathroom. There was a huge shower head that sent water down on to us as though it was rain. We stripped off competely and got into the shower and Britney performed oral sex on me as the water ran down over both of us.
"Afterwards I led her back into the bedroom. At first she was on top of me and then I was on top. We did it every way you could. But it wasn't cheap. I really cared about her and it felt right.
"At times she was noisy. She didn't call me any names, she just moaned. We didn't use any precautions either."

After sex they fell asleep in each other's arms.

"I woke up and was really aroused again," said Jason. "Britney was asleep but when I tried it on with her she didn't hold back. She said she wanted to be with me and I told her I wanted to be with her.
"She said she wanted me to go with her on tour. I thought she was vulnerable and wanted to take care of her."

During the day, Britney and her friends went to the hotel spa while Jason chatted with her bodyguards.

"When she got back I was in the bath," he said. "She came in, stripped off and got into the tub with me. First we were scrubbing each other. Then she got on top of me and we had sex. She was a natural, with the most fantastic a*** I've ever felt. She was proud of her body and she often just wandered around with nothing on."

The following night it was off to Planet Hollywood for dinner.

He said: "Britney wanted to stay out and I wanted to go to bed, so she made me promise that if I made love to her all night we could go back to the room.
"The sex was mind-blowing and rough. We did it in every position you could think of. It was so wild we managed to fall off the bed together."

There was more sex the next night. "This time I remember she was wearing a beautiful purple and pink set of underwear," said Jason. "Afterwards, we were chatting in bed, cuddled up and naked, saying we didn't want the trip to end when she said, ‘I want to ask you something but I don't know how to'.

"I told her she could ask me anything. She acted really shy and said, ‘Will you marry me?'
"I said yes and she jumped out of bed, flung her jeans on and yelled, ‘Let's do it now'. She was ecstatic. She didn't even put her panties on in the rush as she slipped on her jeans. We ran downstairs and jumped into the hotel limo. I'll never forget saying, ‘Take us to the nearest chapel—we're getting married'."

What happened next—in the early hours of Saturday, January 3—left her millions of fans agog.

"The first chapel open was The Little White Chapel," added Jason. "We were kissing and holding hands. We knew we were doing the right thing.
"When we got there they said we needed a marriage licence so we had to go to a court house that was open 24 hours.
"As we walked in a couple pointed at Britney and said, ‘You look just like that girl off the TV that sings'. I turned round and said, ‘Do you really think that chick would marry a man like me?'
"Britney and I giggled our heads off. We got the certificate and rushed back to the chapel. I paid the 700 dollars for the best package they could do. Britney picked it. We had flowers, video, a photographer, a pianist and a registrar. I said she should walk down the aisle on her own but Britney wanted to be traditional and so she asked the limo driver if he'd do the honour.
"I think he was a bit gobsmacked, but he did it.

I remember her walking towards me and we looked into each other's eyes. We knew there was something special between us. As we said our vows we held hands, it meant a lot to both of us.

"The registrar said I could kiss the bride and it was the most special kiss of my life.
"She kept saying how happy she was but when we got back to the room her friends didn't congratulate us, they just looked shocked."

The newlyweds went into their suite and celebrated with Cristal champagne and talked about a honeymoon to the Carribean island of Nevis.

Jason added: "I remember saying, ‘Your name isn't Spears now, it's Alexander'. We had a spiritual connection. We knew we should be together.
"We'd married just after 4am and by 7am we knew we had to phone our families. It was horrendous.
"Britney phoned her mum and I heard Lynne screaming back at her. She went nuts.

Shattered

"Her brother rang and I spoke to him. He talked about annulment. I didn't know what the word meant so I didn't say anything.
"I rang my dad and at least he was fine. Britney told me to ignore her family and wanted us to run away on honeymoon straight away but we were so shattered we went to bed."

Neither the bride nor the groom had any idea of the storm that was about to engulf them.

Peck to passion

BRITNEY and Jason first met in Kentwood when they were both four. Her mum Lynne ran the local Little Rod pre-school. Jason smiled: "There was a group of us that met up and would play together and go down to Hyde Park, a waterhole where we'd swim." When Britney (pictured right at eight) joined TV's Mickey Mouse Club then became a singer Jason saw less of her but they still met up at least twice a year.

"When she came home we'd all get together," he explained. "I remember seeing her in the summer of 2000. She was with Justin Timberlake in the gym. I didn't speak to him but she came over and we chatted."

In October 2002 Britney returned to Kentwood. "This time we went to stay with her cousin in Baton Rouge and that's when we kissed for the first time," he said. "We were talking in her room and she kissed me softly. Then she straddled me and started kissing more passionately. I thought about sex but didn't pursue it, even though she wasn't with Justin then."

Last Christmas, Britney was back in town. She, Jason and a few pals persuaded a local club owner to open just for them.

"We played some of Britney's songs," he said. "And she danced with the rest of us.
"Later she came on to me again and kissed me. She has the most seductive puppy-dog eyes when she flirts with you.
"That's when she invited me to Vegas."

And his life would never be the same again.
-----------------------------
[inset]
RED HOT: 'She was a great lover'
THAT'S TORN IT: The newly weds
STILL HURTING: Jason today
PLENTY OF BED-ROOM: Real suite
DOORS TO LOVE: White Chapel
IN THE PINK: Britney cavorts on a beach. 'I'll remember our wedding night sex for ever' says Jason

Her family kicked me out of her life

NEW bride Britney and her husband Jason consummated their marriage with "amazing" lovemaking—just minutes before her furious family barged in to wreck their lives as husband and wife. And as the Spears cosseted Britney, Jason was kicked out of her life with the sneering indignity of an economy-class ticket back to his home town.

"That first time we made love in our hotel suite as a married couple was amazing," he said. "It was more special and sensual than before.
"I'll remember it for the rest of my life. There was more emotion than we had felt, more connection.
"We didn't really have to strip off because Britney didn't have any underwear on.

Ruin

"It wasn't just sex, it was really deep. Afterwards we fell asleep in each other's arms."

But they awoke with a start to hammering on the door.

Jason explained: "Her brother was there with all her people. He whisked Britney into another suite and I was left with the rest of them.
"The Spears family and her business team were taking over our marriage. It happened so quickly. Next her lawyers walked in.
"Britney and her brother came back in and he said we couldn't be married, it was wrong. Then one of her team said I was ruining her career, that her tour would be wrecked and her ticket sales lost. Britney and I just stood on different sides of the room and didn't speak to each other.
"They spread a load of papers on the desk and said if I cared about Britney I'd sign them.
"It was unreal, I wanted the best for her, I wanted to be married to her, but it was as though they were just taking everything over. I was on my own. Britney didn't say anything.
"I just looked at her, she looked away, then I signed them, I didn't know what I was signing. My dad wasn't there.
"The only person I cared about in that room was Britney and they said if I didn't sign it, I was ruining her career. I had no choice and Britney didn't stop me. I signed them under duress."

The annulment papers stated Britney "lacked understanding of her actions...They did not know each other's likes and dislikes, each other's desire to have or not have children, and each other's desires as to the state of residency."

The papers added that the newlyweds realised they were incompatible.

Crying

The annulment officially took place on Monday, January 5. By then they had been married for 55 hours. But that night, convinced he could still save some part of his now ex-wife, Jason went to the dinner from hell with Britney, her brother, her friends and her staff. "It was awful," he said.

"I sat down next to her, she was crying. Everyone else was laughing about what we had done as though it was a big joke. We were treated like kids.
"I was hurt that she didn't stand up and say she wanted to be married to me. Her mum kept on ringing and saying we were acting like 12-year-olds. It was horrible.
"Towards the end of the meal her brother came over with a plane ticket and said I had to go home.
"Britney gave me a hug and a kiss and that was it."

Thoughts while on Amtrak, after Paris

We're almost in NYC and I'm staring at the infrastructure of NJ marveling at how uniformly ugly bridges and roads and the other things they put over lakes and hills and pastures are all over the world. I just saw the same scene in Paris, and you could repeat it in Hong Kong, Manila, Italy.

We are going past a bridge in New Jersey. How long will it stay up? When it is ready to come down in a century or so, will they take pictures of it? If they care enough about it I'm sure the city will send a photographer to take shots of it and a local historian to dig up stories about the bridge and make a whole show of it. Though when it really comes down to it, no one really gave a damn about that ugly old bridge until it came down.

Now I'm thinking about a foldable roof that collapses and expands over us like a gigantic bell jar, as wide and large as a town.

I'm on Trading Spaces with Bobby. He is standing in the middle of my room, directing someone to do something. Later I see mom setting the table somewhere. All of a sudden I am applying to college, writing upbeat essays (I wrote a very depressing one for undergrad). Then mom tells me she has money to give me for an apartment - $2 Million. So we start calling up agents, and asking others if they have happen to have a list of agents they could recommend us. We see some interesting places that look rather gothic, made of stone, in the center of a town. Then I found out Carlito from the church is now a real estate agent.I was embarrassed to call him but did anyway. He shows us some apartments on the fringe of town.

I'm petting and massaging a pug. But it is a quite large for a pug though he is lying on my lap. The pug jumps off of me - because he's too big to pet, he is uncomfortable w/my massage.

I am looking at a 15 year old boy wait in line. He sees me from afar, and recognizes me as his soul mate. We fall in love. His mother is there. Then we're talking in their family's kitchen. The mother is upset with me and reveals to the boy that I am too old for him. The boy turns to me for confirmation and I say my age. I tell him he must wait until he's of age. He says he'll wait for me. Later he keeps his promise.

I am in a Holton parking lot later, not sure why.

disney world & britney dream

mom and tita marilou had tickets to go see to a Britney Spears concert at disney world. they went ahead and grabbed the seats. jj and i went to join them and took an elevator up - it was many floors. when we got there, tita m and mom were waiting in line and we realized we left dad and ted behind. jj was annoyed because we had wasted so much time already.

we got back to the elevator banks but when the doors opened we saw that there was a river. people were getting on wooden rafts and other vehicles. i got into a big round raft that had a foot of water in it and 30 people already sitting in it. but the water didn't touch me - it was frozen, like gel, at my feet. then one of the guy passengers decided to try and flip the raft over for fun. i was pissed. when we all flipped into the water, i grabbed the raft and held on to it. one of the guys asked me if i did not know how to swim, and i said of course i did, but that it was stupid to flip the raft. i was very annoyed.

finally we're all back at the theater. mom and tita m had decided to take some better, empty seats. mom and i got to sit together while jj, dad, tita m and ted kept looking for seats. i was happy to be sitting with mom.

the plant dream (from nov 20th)

Some men were building a garden where I grew up. They dug a big pit that used to be a house, and I saw a room in it with some friends right before the dig. it was part of Holton, my old school. They filled the pit with sand and offered us to be part of it if we contributed something. I decide to go buy more sand for my portion, and caught a ride with some guys in a big truck to the garden. I see some children prancing down the garden with tools and plants to grow in the sand. I get annoyed because of that, and because the workers say I should have brought my own plants like the children, not more sand because they have tons of that. Plus I can't catch a ride home with them b/c they're busy with the garden. It's too long a walk home.

Later I dream of just having my own tomato plant in my kitchen. It grows really nicely. It looks so cute and pretty in my kitchen, and I'm excited that I can eat my own tomatoes because I use and eat them in all kinds of favorite foods. I see a worm on a plate wriggling, nowhere near the tomato. I smash it with my tomato and wash it off. I think about buying more seeds, but of the nice chic variety from the market on 77th. Then I look at my tomato plant and see a hot pepper plant in place of it. It's wierd because I never wanted a pepper plant in the first place. I have no use for it, never cook with it. It has no fruit on it, but instead has the roots coming out of the soil (like my orchid now). I pull on stems buried in the soil, thinking I can make the plant look better, and instead i'm surprised when they turn out to be roots. As they come out, the parts that were buried are covered with tomato sauce. I'm confused because I'm wondering why it has to come out like that. Now I have messed up the plant and it looks ugly and jacked, not cute or pretty.

-My interpretation: I think the sand garden is my past, and my buying more sand is my not getting over bitterness about that past, simply wanting to add more "sand" rather than growing from the past. It's frustrating and useless. The fruit is about my future. I could choose to do something that will be incredibly fruitful, so much that I can smash undesirable things that attempt to stop me. Nothing will stop me. Or I could choose to do something I don't want to really do, and at the roots of that effort will only be a little bit of the things I really love to do. And it will not bear any fruit, although it will still be a strong plant otherwise.

Interesting that susan said the trials from the past few years will contribute to my future in helping somehow.

rainbow way

i was hanging with this girl who was a filipina jenny bates. she was the daughter of the filipino president, some man, who i was talking with about various things. all while we were bullshitting jenny kept looking more and more overwhelmed.

we went back to my friend's place, where she had this colorful pad full of crazy knick knacks. it felt like a druggy dorm room. jenny told me that she was freaking out because she couldn't find the things we were saying inspiring - instead she saw kept seeing ghosts and other spiritual things. i said that i dealt with them by seeing them as simply humans but without bodies, who were really just like you or me.

she went out of the room to where my friend nicola was hanging out. nicola rushed into the room and told me how she had a "rainbow way" with my friend moses and some japanese girls. they had met up at some new year's eve party, while i had been sitting alone chilling at home (j was away performing). she asked me i knew what that "rainbow way" was but of course it was obvious. she also told me how one of the club performers, dressed in red vinyl, warned that she would gross her out, and she dragged nicola under a table and said "i love your ass!" smacking her on the butt. well of course nicola thought that was not gross at all - she thought it was hilarious. so she did the same thing to her.

we walked back into the room and jenny was wrapped up in blankets on some chairs, shaking. i touched her head then walked back to nicola, giving the "she's crazy" sign. nicola yelled, "thank you!" the end.

very interesting, j

j was in a hotel conference room watching a film with a group of people from a hospital. this old middle eastern guy gets wheeled in on a gurney, and j notices he's buck naked with everything hanging out. j also noticed that the guy's genitals were rather large.

j thought that the guy might have some kind of legitimate problem, like perhaps his skin was too sensitive to be covered with sheets. then the guy's thing started growing larger and larger. as it did he made all these lewd comments to the women there and laughing at everyone.

then it shifted to later on... everyone was saying, "did you hear about when the police came to arrest him? he jizzed all over them!!!"

(j and i were cracking up hilariously at the last part all morning)

movie

i was dating a mafia guy and he asked me to climb a tower holding a spring tension rod. he was trying to save his father and somehow this was vital to saving the guy. there were a few small metal rings that kept falling out, so i put them on my fingers, all while holding onto this antenna on top of the tower, a fists' grasp from death. i was wearing a white gown. i was also in a movie theater at the same time, and could see four screens showing me on the tower as part of the movie. i looked down and it looked like thousand of feet down but i told myself that it was a set and that it was in fact only about twenty feet with a green screen, although i knew it was actually real and i could die - i was swaying in the wind, in cold and rainy weather. i maintained my calm though it was difficult. then dream switches to perspective an average white guy viewer in the theater, and he is talking to the director of the movie. director says he talk to him at any time about the movie and the viewer is pretty psyched about it.

jj

we received these nice looking but actually cheap casio watches from mom. jj was really excited about them and i pretended to be but i was cynical and thought they were copies. we programmed addresses and notes into the watches as they were similar to those old casio organizers. then i looked at the watch and saw they were FAKE casios, saying "CAS E/I O" on them. i pointed them out to jj and a friend. jj got infuriated. i tried then to show that i actually lost my data, which i hadn't but i was pretending. the friend was getting convinced but jj was just still angry. so i tried to understand why and then he practically wanted to beat him up. so i explained that i wasn't needling him, but just trying to understand, and that i thought he was angry because ted and i were always giving him our cast-off toys and not anything new. that calmed him down a lot, but he explained it was not that, and that there was more to his anger than i had explained of it.

why i love j

from august 2002

good morning sweetheart. i miss you so much right now. it's 4am and i just heard an old message from you on the machine...

your voice is so sweet and welcoming. it feels like home. just wanted to leave this note and tell you how much you mean to me. i will love you forever. see you soon. jay

you're short and sweet-
down to your little feet-
with skin so fine-
and eyes that shine-

for a truer love there's no need to look
our love fills every page, of every book.

hotel themes

i'm listening to hotel paper, one pop weakness of mine.

i have recurring dreams of two types of hotels. one is a very fine hotel with baroque detailing on the walls and ceiling. there is a small, narrow elevator that takes me up and down different rooms. last night my godbrother, also my first crush, was involved somehow. don't remember much except that his mother was in the hotel room and her vibe was that she was telling me about how life is, or something like that. another night, we were stuck in the elevator trying to get to the top of a long tower that had stairs leading up to it. we had also been running up and down the floors of the hotel, like my cousins and i used to during formal filipino medical association PMA events like new year's eve. except we were grown and they weren't my cousins, just random friends.

the other "hotel" is really an apartment building, a bit rundown with fucked up apartments in it, built in various ways. my brother ted was living in one very interestingly designed apartment which had a ladder leading up to it.

writer's life

i don't know how people can just decide to give up other things to become a writer or "artist." i get all my ideas and energy from dealing with work and other things, then hanging around my apartment all day on saturdays thinking up grand schemes and writing or thinking about whatever i want that pops into my head.

today i've been thinking of all the communities of people to which i belong, from my book group with bobby, simone and eva or my little snickering trio in the back room at work - that is, me and my office mates kendra and dave - arguing and discussing and bashing things and ideas. the nycoc group and icc dfers. susan and on, the world travelers group - how could i forget the brilliant and exciting older "siblings" i've always wanted (along with bobby of course). the new group i'm trying to tap are the genius level artist/writer/liberal types in my family. i'm so lucky to know these kinds of people.

i wonder what my mom would think if she could step into my life. i think she's finally starting to understand it. i told her how i like having just a small amount of money, enough to take care of things and have a little savings, because it forces me to be creative. she seemed to get it just then! a breakthrough.

the past comes back all at once

Randomly ran into Beka E at Cafe Magora in the EV. I haven't seen her in a million years. She's been in NYC for 4 years!! working for United for Peace. She said she was living in williamsburg, and began to explain to me what a hipster and I reminded her that I've lived in this city for three times as long as she. When I get around that chick, I get so hyper that I feel like I'm hallucinating. Doesn't matter whether it's with Beka over fifteen years ago, watching her run up and around the hills in her yard in her old school uggs, or the Beka at age 30, sitting in some hip joint, her delicate arms leaning across the table toward her silently sexy middle eastern man.

other dream-like things

the building down the street from j caught fire and burned down. he woke up at 2am in the morning to the smell of smoke, so powerful that he thought his own building was burning down. he said now the fire vehicles are gathered around the building, and there's a wall that is standing in the middle of it all. it looks brand new. and he's not sure whether it had been built there or if the firemen had put it there for some reason.

description of the news cafe on university blvd & 11th

in most cities, sitting in a cafe, you're bound to see a child. but already it's been an hour and i don't see even one. on the television perched overhead is a story about crossed television signals - a person who had hooked up his camera to his television set had picked up the signal of one of his neighbors, who was beating her foster kids up right before his eyes. the cops traced the signal and arrested the woman.

at the tables are a lithe blond model and a pair of students conversing in japanese. the several people wandering in and out of the cafe: a punkish design student, an executive with a baseball jacket on over his suit, an old jewish woman with curly, badly dyed hair and outdated purse. but no children.

is it the grinding sound of the city bus with the darkness, lit only by fluorescent parking lot lights that drive away the children? or idiots who decide to leave the cafe entrance door open in 26 degree weather? the lonely asians who seem to occupy every table with a paper and perfectly coiffed hair?

it's a sea of black backs. even the model has put her black coat on. the air from the open door has freshened the stale, oily atmosphere but the cracked paint on the floors depress me. nothing, not the colorful rows of magazines perfectly arranged in a mosaic on the wall, nor the old-fashioned wooden store fronts across the street can cheer up this place.

smalls/fat cat

these are the jazz clubs owned, or once owned, by mitch borden in NYC in the west village. i need to sit there and describe it for you. but it'd be even better to find someone who loved smalls but hates fat cat, who will tell me what they think of those places.

too much shit to do

two pieces to finish. one piece to send out.
do you ever stand on the subway platform and notice red colors, from the scarlet cashmere coat on the girl walking toward me and the backpack on the guy walking through the gate and another lady's wool hat, moving back and forth together through the crowd?

more burroughs

Of course the Annexia police processed suspected agents, saboteurs and political deviants on an assembly basis. As regards the interrogation of suspects, Benway has this to say:

"While in general I avoid the use of torture-- torture locates the opponent and mobilizes resistance --the threat of torture is useful to induce in the subject the appropriate feeling of helplessness and gratitude to the interrogator for withholding it. And torture can be employed to advantage as a penalty when the subject is far enough along with the treatment to accept punishment as deserved. To this end I devised several forms of disciplinary procedure. One was known as The Switchboard. Electric drills that can be turned on at any time are clamped against the subject's teeth; and he is instructed to operate an arbitrary switchboard, to put certain connections in certain sockets in response to bells and lights. Every time he makes a mistake the drills are turned on for twenty seconds. The signals are gradually speeded up beyond his reaction time. Half an hour on the switchboard and the subject breaks down like an overloaded thinking machine."

subject matter of the day: catholic cults, actors as ministers in cults

william burroughs on mind control - from naked lunch. pay attention to the second paragraph. did you know that many cult leaders, not just cult members ala scientology, are often aspiring actors or actresses?

damn you cults, you cult leaders who are actors, you who were aspiring actors turned ICC catholic scientology cult leaders.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Benway had been called in as advisor to the Freeland Republic, a place given over to free love and continual bathing. The citizens are well adjusted, co-operatives, honest, tolerant and above all clean. But the invoking of Benway indicates all is not well behind that hygienic facade: Benway is a manipulator and coordinator of symbol systems, an expert on all phases of interrogation, brainwashing and control. I have not seen Benway since his precipitate departure from Annexia, where his assignment had been T.D.-Total Demoralization. Benway's first act was to abolish concentration camps, mass arrest and, except under certain limited and special circumstances, the use of torture.

"I deplore brutality," he said. "It's not efficient. On the other hand, prolonged mistreatment, short of physical violence, gives rise, when skillfully applied, to anxiety and a feeling of special guilt. A few rules or rather guiding principles are to be borne in mind. The subject must not realize that the mistreatment is a deliberate attack of an anti-human enemy on his personal identity. He must be made to feel that he deserves any treatment he receives because there is something (never specified) horribly wrong with him.< The naked need of the control addicts must be decently covered by an arbitrary and intricate bureaucracy so that the subject cannot contact his enemy direct."

the rules of propriety are so fascinating

for instance i am studying the rules of concealer like an alien. who'd have thought that a little drop of light watery fleshy stuff can transform you from a little girl to a real woman? oh it's so strange.

fuckin' dreams are more interesting than i am

i was holding each of my brother's crazy cute pugs in my lap. when i held one of them, the pug who was supposed to be mochi, he looked weird because the part where is nose and mouth are all black was fawn colored this time. he looked like a weird kind of pug shaped golden labrador. but i comforted him and told him i thought he was cute anyway. then i held the other one, puki, and she looked even freakier. in fact, uncle eli's head was on puki instead of her cute little crying eyes. but he still had puki's long tongue smile and looked utterly content. i held her, accepted and i loved her even with uncle eli's face staring back at me, grinning happily.

oedipus dream

my exboyfriend and i were riding around platonically, and we decided to stop and rest. we were at a motel and steve johnson was there. i hid under a desk and kept sliding a cd toward him. he saw me there and commented that i had sexy thighs. then my ex shot him with a gun. the police arrived but didn't question or accuse us. we left and all of a sudden i really wanted to fuck my ex.

renovation

i had decided to renovate the floors in my apartment. so i started peeling off the tiles and found there were 7 layers of linoleum on the floor of my apartment.

later my landlord and i were looking at the building from the outside. we could see into the apartments because each one had a wide, new modern window, from floor to ceiling, which opened up to the front rooms. we could see a beautiful renovated white kitchen and another apartment with little detail i could see. i also noticed that my apartment was the only one without the huge modern window and i was a bit annoyed but kept it to myself. he was disappointed for some reason, and i assured him that he would be able to sell the building one day at a good price because we were all renovating.

i'm back in my apartment pulling up the layers and found that in the living room, some of the layers were actually made up of my old roommate genieve's and others books and junk.

my neighbor, who was rather dandy looking like a carson from queer eye, came down. he was normal at first. then all of a sudden, he was this evil character. i had to run away from him, but it was hard because he had the power to see where i was at anytime. however, the scope of his power would grow and wane in cycles, so he could only perceive me at 20 to 200 feet at times, then as far as 2000 miles. and there was a limit too. so i figured that as soon as i could get to an airport without him catching up with me, i was okay as soon as i got in the air, safe from him. at one point he was chasing me down the sidewalk in front of the apartment at night in the rain.

juncture: the point at which unreality illuminates reality

heroin/e
borderline (gv)
classmate
soul talk
tita

emotions. relationships. so intangible and yet the juncture at which our souls encounter the world.

Infuriation

Troll know how to infuriate. One troll does it by taking someone's self-blaming feelings and insisting that this accusing self is telling the whole truth. They amplify the secret fear you have that these thoughts are only true, or not true. The fact is, these accusing thoughts can be somewhat true and mostly false.

These antisocial types can do a lot of damage, and are unstoppable at times as they seek to heal by damaging others. The pain they can cause people on the internet or in real relationships is directly to another's unconscious. Which is often why their words are powerful, until you bring it to the conscious mind.

And I know the infuriation and despairing feelings are simply a monitor for what this person feels unconsciously. Sometimes our bodies and hearts are thermometers of the disturbed who walk among us.

Can't stop thinking of anything but this:

Sometimes my thoughts come together manically; disparate elements that seemed hopelessly unrelated and despairing magnetize and click together into ingenious compounds of passionate energy toward some uncertain but exciting horizon. I felt this way when I applied to graduate school several years ago. I'm feeling it again.

My friend told me that all of my experiences have been preparing me for my future role in helping many people. I don't know what that is yet. All I know is I feel something bubbling up inside me, almost beyond my control. I feel like I am exploding inside but with what, I don't know yet.

Have you ever had moments like this, when you feel that you know what those Pulitzer prize winning authors and Nobel laureates once experienced? It doesn't necessarily mean that you will accomplish what they have - but it doesn't mean you won't, either.

Sometimes I think about my children, who are not born yet, but are living inside me, at least a part of them. And another part of them is living inside of someone else. My children will bring the compassion out of me. I know because when I think of my child running towards me with an excited smile in his eyes, small black wondering eyes that face the world with no expectations except that his mother loves him, it makes love real to me.

Sometimes I see a grand future just within my fingertips, of these exploding thoughts inside my mind fully expressed, its complexity unfolded and translated to a world waiting for words to more fully explain its mystery. I cannot put it into words yet.

Do you ever feel these things? Am I the only one?

When my aunt talks, she rambles. And most people caught in her web want to push her and her words away. But I am fascinated. She's the only one of mom's sisters who is fully present with what she feels. I know because her humorous tales tell me so. She mocks the Filipino traditional woman, that quiet, demure, "lady-like" thing. She is not afraid of a stacked fight. She will show you her many broken bones with pride.

She has too many stories and opinions. She hates with passion. She has made me feel like killing her. Silencing her. And she makes me feel like I can silence the world by simply willing it.

In mom's family there is some kind of furious muse that guides and drives and mocks all who are born from its blood. It will be conquered but who will recognize it, much less face it in battle?

Fuck my 20's...

I know I'm REALLY turning 30 when I feel the need to vent about the stupid Valentines day party happening downstairs. My company has had about 20 events in the past 2-3 days with cake, candy, mexican food, etc. Literally.

I remember a time, not too long ago, when that was cause to celebrate. But when I see younger co-workers rushing down to our V-day party for stupid little red candies and Big Red Heart decoration everywhere, with guilty little smirks and a little frantic breeze in their step, all I could think was:

I am too fuckin' OLD for this.

So instead of indulging in my "former" ways 20's-ish ways, and rushing down the stairs to gobble yet another useless piece of cheap chocolate to distract me from the fact there's still another hour left in my late Friday afternoon, I wrote this post. But let me tell you something - I am so lookin' forward to becoming a 30-something. I feel I'm finally leaving my childhood behind... and entering true adulthood. Something about the ability to choose your own way - and it's not painful anymore.

"Doubt is the dry rot of faith."

-quote from How to Know God, Deepak Chopra

Do you ever close your eyes and just listen? What do you think you would hear? I'm not talking about the outside world, like the screech of my overworked heating pipes and humming humidifier vents. I'm talking about the voice inside you. I think everyone has one of these. They call it intuition. But who says it speaks in whole sentences, jabbering constantly? I'm not talking about the fears or hopes of the subconscious. I'm talking about divinity inside you, driving you, comforting you, alerting you.

I often doubt that I even have a real intuition. Always trained to not trust my emotions. But these are not emotions. It's an actual transmitter inside you from the divine world. If you don't believe it, then be still. Close your eyes. Listen. It will speak if you will pay attention. It might take some practice quieting the distracting thoughts from the outside world. I find it quite natural to block it out, don't know why.

Things I hear it saying now.

1. You can do what you must to make a living, but you must write.

2. What you will say will help others.

3. Don't worry about the content, I've given you all the material you need. Just listen.

4. Stop writing on this blog and start on Word.

Okay, I'm out, see ya later.

timeline, no dates.
1. born
2. play music where I experience the floating feeling of connecting to the universe and a higher reality somehow
3. graduate high school, feel devastated by the world
4. 1st year of college devastation continues, feel a loss of that connection
5. temporarily connect through religion. inspired by psychology and psychologist friend. pursue that path.
6. lose the connection, gain legalistic and damaging religion, erodes my inner life
7. find the same thing in psych phD program. left both.
8. floating around, making some money doing this or that, guilt about disappointing mom and dad, cannot trust anyone or anything including myself.
9. find a partner in chaos (j). get ready to follow the program for mom and dad.
10. find my mentors (b and dr. r). conflict. partner starts to find his way.
11. start to listen and to trust others, now finally able to hear the inner voice.
12. starting a journey.

to starve or not to starve. that is the question for tonight. as it always has been. i get so tired of filipino family brainwashing. so resigned to black and white questions, black and white views of the future. it is so easy for me to get caught up in the hierarchies and structure of any organization. whether it's the family, where the moms constantly compare and preen their kids and make them absolutely paranoid and afraid to step out for themselves... religion... work... etc. it's not really anyone's fault. it's the culture mom and dad were raised in, and they mean well.

but i'm old enough to know better, and definitely old enough to act on the wisdom i'm slowly gaining, that the militaristic hierarchy of do's, don'ts, shouldn'ts and should's in my head are blocking out the real world as it is. the real world is an anarchy. that you can shape. going to small claims court was a reality check because in theory it's about what's right. no, a court of law is just a group of people operating to a set of rules designed to help uphold what is right, but who eventually wins out is the one who knows what rules work for them, but also know where there really is no hard rule.

there is something beyond the boundaries mom and dad laid out. it's seductive, perhaps dangerous, but maybe it will lead on a visionary path, to something sacred, even.

it is an utterly useless thing to compare yourself to others. i was watching diane sawyer interview jennifer aniston. clips of friends rolling like they were scenes out of Gandhi, rather than the insipid, mediocre pop candy television show that it was. people who are held up -- these celebrities -- are getting the spotlight because they make other people $$$. that's what it comes down to.

gotta find your way, and not fight the tide because of what you were taught what was the right, or cool, thing to do.

"you just have to fight for yourself"

dr r said this and it just seemed too simple. the question is not IF, it's WHERE.