the past comes back all at once
Randomly ran into Beka E at Cafe Magora in the EV. I haven't seen her in a million years. She's been in NYC for 4 years!! working for United for Peace. She said she was living in williamsburg, and began to explain to me what a hipster and I reminded her that I've lived in this city for three times as long as she. When I get around that chick, I get so hyper that I feel like I'm hallucinating. Doesn't matter whether it's with Beka over fifteen years ago, watching her run up and around the hills in her yard in her old school uggs, or the Beka at age 30, sitting in some hip joint, her delicate arms leaning across the table toward her silently sexy middle eastern man.
other dream-like things
the building down the street from j caught fire and burned down. he woke up at 2am in the morning to the smell of smoke, so powerful that he thought his own building was burning down. he said now the fire vehicles are gathered around the building, and there's a wall that is standing in the middle of it all. it looks brand new. and he's not sure whether it had been built there or if the firemen had put it there for some reason.
description of the news cafe on university blvd & 11th
in most cities, sitting in a cafe, you're bound to see a child. but already it's been an hour and i don't see even one. on the television perched overhead is a story about crossed television signals - a person who had hooked up his camera to his television set had picked up the signal of one of his neighbors, who was beating her foster kids up right before his eyes. the cops traced the signal and arrested the woman.
at the tables are a lithe blond model and a pair of students conversing in japanese. the several people wandering in and out of the cafe: a punkish design student, an executive with a baseball jacket on over his suit, an old jewish woman with curly, badly dyed hair and outdated purse. but no children.
is it the grinding sound of the city bus with the darkness, lit only by fluorescent parking lot lights that drive away the children? or idiots who decide to leave the cafe entrance door open in 26 degree weather? the lonely asians who seem to occupy every table with a paper and perfectly coiffed hair?
it's a sea of black backs. even the model has put her black coat on. the air from the open door has freshened the stale, oily atmosphere but the cracked paint on the floors depress me. nothing, not the colorful rows of magazines perfectly arranged in a mosaic on the wall, nor the old-fashioned wooden store fronts across the street can cheer up this place.
smalls/fat cat
these are the jazz clubs owned, or once owned, by mitch borden in NYC in the west village. i need to sit there and describe it for you. but it'd be even better to find someone who loved smalls but hates fat cat, who will tell me what they think of those places.
too much shit to do
two pieces to finish. one piece to send out.
do you ever stand on the subway platform and notice red colors, from the scarlet cashmere coat on the girl walking toward me and the backpack on the guy walking through the gate and another lady's wool hat, moving back and forth together through the crowd?
more burroughs
Of course the Annexia police processed suspected agents, saboteurs and political deviants on an assembly basis. As regards the interrogation of suspects, Benway has this to say:
"While in general I avoid the use of torture-- torture locates the opponent and mobilizes resistance --the threat of torture is useful to induce in the subject the appropriate feeling of helplessness and gratitude to the interrogator for withholding it. And torture can be employed to advantage as a penalty when the subject is far enough along with the treatment to accept punishment as deserved. To this end I devised several forms of disciplinary procedure. One was known as The Switchboard. Electric drills that can be turned on at any time are clamped against the subject's teeth; and he is instructed to operate an arbitrary switchboard, to put certain connections in certain sockets in response to bells and lights. Every time he makes a mistake the drills are turned on for twenty seconds. The signals are gradually speeded up beyond his reaction time. Half an hour on the switchboard and the subject breaks down like an overloaded thinking machine."
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
subject matter of the day: catholic cults, actors as ministers in cults
william burroughs on mind control - from naked lunch. pay attention to the second paragraph. did you know that many cult leaders, not just cult members ala scientology, are often aspiring actors or actresses?
damn you cults, you cult leaders who are actors, you who were aspiring actors turned ICC catholic scientology cult leaders.
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Dr. Benway had been called in as advisor to the Freeland Republic, a place given over to free love and continual bathing. The citizens are well adjusted, co-operatives, honest, tolerant and above all clean. But the invoking of Benway indicates all is not well behind that hygienic facade: Benway is a manipulator and coordinator of symbol systems, an expert on all phases of interrogation, brainwashing and control. I have not seen Benway since his precipitate departure from Annexia, where his assignment had been T.D.-Total Demoralization. Benway's first act was to abolish concentration camps, mass arrest and, except under certain limited and special circumstances, the use of torture.
"I deplore brutality," he said. "It's not efficient. On the other hand, prolonged mistreatment, short of physical violence, gives rise, when skillfully applied, to anxiety and a feeling of special guilt. A few rules or rather guiding principles are to be borne in mind. The subject must not realize that the mistreatment is a deliberate attack of an anti-human enemy on his personal identity. He must be made to feel that he deserves any treatment he receives because there is something (never specified) horribly wrong with him.< The naked need of the control addicts must be decently covered by an arbitrary and intricate bureaucracy so that the subject cannot contact his enemy direct."
the rules of propriety are so fascinating
for instance i am studying the rules of concealer like an alien. who'd have thought that a little drop of light watery fleshy stuff can transform you from a little girl to a real woman? oh it's so strange.
william burroughs on mind control - from naked lunch. pay attention to the second paragraph. did you know that many cult leaders, not just cult members ala scientology, are often aspiring actors or actresses?
damn you cults, you cult leaders who are actors, you who were aspiring actors turned ICC catholic scientology cult leaders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Benway had been called in as advisor to the Freeland Republic, a place given over to free love and continual bathing. The citizens are well adjusted, co-operatives, honest, tolerant and above all clean. But the invoking of Benway indicates all is not well behind that hygienic facade: Benway is a manipulator and coordinator of symbol systems, an expert on all phases of interrogation, brainwashing and control. I have not seen Benway since his precipitate departure from Annexia, where his assignment had been T.D.-Total Demoralization. Benway's first act was to abolish concentration camps, mass arrest and, except under certain limited and special circumstances, the use of torture.
"I deplore brutality," he said. "It's not efficient. On the other hand, prolonged mistreatment, short of physical violence, gives rise, when skillfully applied, to anxiety and a feeling of special guilt. A few rules or rather guiding principles are to be borne in mind. The subject must not realize that the mistreatment is a deliberate attack of an anti-human enemy on his personal identity. He must be made to feel that he deserves any treatment he receives because there is something (never specified) horribly wrong with him.< The naked need of the control addicts must be decently covered by an arbitrary and intricate bureaucracy so that the subject cannot contact his enemy direct."
the rules of propriety are so fascinating
for instance i am studying the rules of concealer like an alien. who'd have thought that a little drop of light watery fleshy stuff can transform you from a little girl to a real woman? oh it's so strange.
fuckin' dreams are more interesting than i am
i was holding each of my brother's crazy cute pugs in my lap. when i held one of them, the pug who was supposed to be mochi, he looked weird because the part where is nose and mouth are all black was fawn colored this time. he looked like a weird kind of pug shaped golden labrador. but i comforted him and told him i thought he was cute anyway. then i held the other one, puki, and she looked even freakier. in fact, uncle eli's head was on puki instead of her cute little crying eyes. but he still had puki's long tongue smile and looked utterly content. i held her, accepted and i loved her even with uncle eli's face staring back at me, grinning happily.
i was holding each of my brother's crazy cute pugs in my lap. when i held one of them, the pug who was supposed to be mochi, he looked weird because the part where is nose and mouth are all black was fawn colored this time. he looked like a weird kind of pug shaped golden labrador. but i comforted him and told him i thought he was cute anyway. then i held the other one, puki, and she looked even freakier. in fact, uncle eli's head was on puki instead of her cute little crying eyes. but he still had puki's long tongue smile and looked utterly content. i held her, accepted and i loved her even with uncle eli's face staring back at me, grinning happily.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
oedipus dream
my exboyfriend and i were riding around platonically, and we decided to stop and rest. we were at a motel and steve johnson was there. i hid under a desk and kept sliding a cd toward him. he saw me there and commented that i had sexy thighs. then my ex shot him with a gun. the police arrived but didn't question or accuse us. we left and all of a sudden i really wanted to fuck my ex.
renovation
i had decided to renovate the floors in my apartment. so i started peeling off the tiles and found there were 7 layers of linoleum on the floor of my apartment.
later my landlord and i were looking at the building from the outside. we could see into the apartments because each one had a wide, new modern window, from floor to ceiling, which opened up to the front rooms. we could see a beautiful renovated white kitchen and another apartment with little detail i could see. i also noticed that my apartment was the only one without the huge modern window and i was a bit annoyed but kept it to myself. he was disappointed for some reason, and i assured him that he would be able to sell the building one day at a good price because we were all renovating.
i'm back in my apartment pulling up the layers and found that in the living room, some of the layers were actually made up of my old roommate genieve's and others books and junk.
my neighbor, who was rather dandy looking like a carson from queer eye, came down. he was normal at first. then all of a sudden, he was this evil character. i had to run away from him, but it was hard because he had the power to see where i was at anytime. however, the scope of his power would grow and wane in cycles, so he could only perceive me at 20 to 200 feet at times, then as far as 2000 miles. and there was a limit too. so i figured that as soon as i could get to an airport without him catching up with me, i was okay as soon as i got in the air, safe from him. at one point he was chasing me down the sidewalk in front of the apartment at night in the rain.
my exboyfriend and i were riding around platonically, and we decided to stop and rest. we were at a motel and steve johnson was there. i hid under a desk and kept sliding a cd toward him. he saw me there and commented that i had sexy thighs. then my ex shot him with a gun. the police arrived but didn't question or accuse us. we left and all of a sudden i really wanted to fuck my ex.
renovation
i had decided to renovate the floors in my apartment. so i started peeling off the tiles and found there were 7 layers of linoleum on the floor of my apartment.
later my landlord and i were looking at the building from the outside. we could see into the apartments because each one had a wide, new modern window, from floor to ceiling, which opened up to the front rooms. we could see a beautiful renovated white kitchen and another apartment with little detail i could see. i also noticed that my apartment was the only one without the huge modern window and i was a bit annoyed but kept it to myself. he was disappointed for some reason, and i assured him that he would be able to sell the building one day at a good price because we were all renovating.
i'm back in my apartment pulling up the layers and found that in the living room, some of the layers were actually made up of my old roommate genieve's and others books and junk.
my neighbor, who was rather dandy looking like a carson from queer eye, came down. he was normal at first. then all of a sudden, he was this evil character. i had to run away from him, but it was hard because he had the power to see where i was at anytime. however, the scope of his power would grow and wane in cycles, so he could only perceive me at 20 to 200 feet at times, then as far as 2000 miles. and there was a limit too. so i figured that as soon as i could get to an airport without him catching up with me, i was okay as soon as i got in the air, safe from him. at one point he was chasing me down the sidewalk in front of the apartment at night in the rain.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Infuriation
Troll know how to infuriate. One troll does it by taking someone's self-blaming feelings and insisting that this accusing self is telling the whole truth. They amplify the secret fear you have that these thoughts are only true, or not true. The fact is, these accusing thoughts can be somewhat true and mostly false.
These antisocial types can do a lot of damage, and are unstoppable at times as they seek to heal by damaging others. The pain they can cause people on the internet or in real relationships is directly to another's unconscious. Which is often why their words are powerful, until you bring it to the conscious mind.
And I know the infuriation and despairing feelings are simply a monitor for what this person feels unconsciously. Sometimes our bodies and hearts are thermometers of the disturbed who walk among us.
Troll know how to infuriate. One troll does it by taking someone's self-blaming feelings and insisting that this accusing self is telling the whole truth. They amplify the secret fear you have that these thoughts are only true, or not true. The fact is, these accusing thoughts can be somewhat true and mostly false.
These antisocial types can do a lot of damage, and are unstoppable at times as they seek to heal by damaging others. The pain they can cause people on the internet or in real relationships is directly to another's unconscious. Which is often why their words are powerful, until you bring it to the conscious mind.
And I know the infuriation and despairing feelings are simply a monitor for what this person feels unconsciously. Sometimes our bodies and hearts are thermometers of the disturbed who walk among us.
Can't stop thinking of anything but this:
Sometimes my thoughts come together manically; disparate elements that seemed hopelessly unrelated and despairing magnetize and click together into ingenious compounds of passionate energy toward some uncertain but exciting horizon. I felt this way when I applied to graduate school several years ago. I'm feeling it again.
My friend told me that all of my experiences have been preparing me for my future role in helping many people. I don't know what that is yet. All I know is I feel something bubbling up inside me, almost beyond my control. I feel like I am exploding inside but with what, I don't know yet.
Have you ever had moments like this, when you feel that you know what those Pulitzer prize winning authors and Nobel laureates once experienced? It doesn't necessarily mean that you will accomplish what they have - but it doesn't mean you won't, either.
Sometimes I think about my children, who are not born yet, but are living inside me, at least a part of them. And another part of them is living inside of someone else. My children will bring the compassion out of me. I know because when I think of my child running towards me with an excited smile in his eyes, small black wondering eyes that face the world with no expectations except that his mother loves him, it makes love real to me.
Sometimes I see a grand future just within my fingertips, of these exploding thoughts inside my mind fully expressed, its complexity unfolded and translated to a world waiting for words to more fully explain its mystery. I cannot put it into words yet.
Do you ever feel these things? Am I the only one?
When my aunt talks, she rambles. And most people caught in her web want to push her and her words away. But I am fascinated. She's the only one of mom's sisters who is fully present with what she feels. I know because her humorous tales tell me so. She mocks the Filipino traditional woman, that quiet, demure, "lady-like" thing. She is not afraid of a stacked fight. She will show you her many broken bones with pride.
She has too many stories and opinions. She hates with passion. She has made me feel like killing her. Silencing her. And she makes me feel like I can silence the world by simply willing it.
In mom's family there is some kind of furious muse that guides and drives and mocks all who are born from its blood. It will be conquered but who will recognize it, much less face it in battle?
Sometimes my thoughts come together manically; disparate elements that seemed hopelessly unrelated and despairing magnetize and click together into ingenious compounds of passionate energy toward some uncertain but exciting horizon. I felt this way when I applied to graduate school several years ago. I'm feeling it again.
My friend told me that all of my experiences have been preparing me for my future role in helping many people. I don't know what that is yet. All I know is I feel something bubbling up inside me, almost beyond my control. I feel like I am exploding inside but with what, I don't know yet.
Have you ever had moments like this, when you feel that you know what those Pulitzer prize winning authors and Nobel laureates once experienced? It doesn't necessarily mean that you will accomplish what they have - but it doesn't mean you won't, either.
Sometimes I think about my children, who are not born yet, but are living inside me, at least a part of them. And another part of them is living inside of someone else. My children will bring the compassion out of me. I know because when I think of my child running towards me with an excited smile in his eyes, small black wondering eyes that face the world with no expectations except that his mother loves him, it makes love real to me.
Sometimes I see a grand future just within my fingertips, of these exploding thoughts inside my mind fully expressed, its complexity unfolded and translated to a world waiting for words to more fully explain its mystery. I cannot put it into words yet.
Do you ever feel these things? Am I the only one?
When my aunt talks, she rambles. And most people caught in her web want to push her and her words away. But I am fascinated. She's the only one of mom's sisters who is fully present with what she feels. I know because her humorous tales tell me so. She mocks the Filipino traditional woman, that quiet, demure, "lady-like" thing. She is not afraid of a stacked fight. She will show you her many broken bones with pride.
She has too many stories and opinions. She hates with passion. She has made me feel like killing her. Silencing her. And she makes me feel like I can silence the world by simply willing it.
In mom's family there is some kind of furious muse that guides and drives and mocks all who are born from its blood. It will be conquered but who will recognize it, much less face it in battle?
Friday, February 13, 2004
Fuck my 20's...
I know I'm REALLY turning 30 when I feel the need to vent about the stupid Valentines day party happening downstairs. My company has had about 20 events in the past 2-3 days with cake, candy, mexican food, etc. Literally.
I remember a time, not too long ago, when that was cause to celebrate. But when I see younger co-workers rushing down to our V-day party for stupid little red candies and Big Red Heart decoration everywhere, with guilty little smirks and a little frantic breeze in their step, all I could think was:
I am too fuckin' OLD for this.
So instead of indulging in my "former" ways 20's-ish ways, and rushing down the stairs to gobble yet another useless piece of cheap chocolate to distract me from the fact there's still another hour left in my late Friday afternoon, I wrote this post. But let me tell you something - I am so lookin' forward to becoming a 30-something. I feel I'm finally leaving my childhood behind... and entering true adulthood. Something about the ability to choose your own way - and it's not painful anymore.
I know I'm REALLY turning 30 when I feel the need to vent about the stupid Valentines day party happening downstairs. My company has had about 20 events in the past 2-3 days with cake, candy, mexican food, etc. Literally.
I remember a time, not too long ago, when that was cause to celebrate. But when I see younger co-workers rushing down to our V-day party for stupid little red candies and Big Red Heart decoration everywhere, with guilty little smirks and a little frantic breeze in their step, all I could think was:
I am too fuckin' OLD for this.
So instead of indulging in my "former" ways 20's-ish ways, and rushing down the stairs to gobble yet another useless piece of cheap chocolate to distract me from the fact there's still another hour left in my late Friday afternoon, I wrote this post. But let me tell you something - I am so lookin' forward to becoming a 30-something. I feel I'm finally leaving my childhood behind... and entering true adulthood. Something about the ability to choose your own way - and it's not painful anymore.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
"Doubt is the dry rot of faith."
-quote from How to Know God, Deepak Chopra
Do you ever close your eyes and just listen? What do you think you would hear? I'm not talking about the outside world, like the screech of my overworked heating pipes and humming humidifier vents. I'm talking about the voice inside you. I think everyone has one of these. They call it intuition. But who says it speaks in whole sentences, jabbering constantly? I'm not talking about the fears or hopes of the subconscious. I'm talking about divinity inside you, driving you, comforting you, alerting you.
I often doubt that I even have a real intuition. Always trained to not trust my emotions. But these are not emotions. It's an actual transmitter inside you from the divine world. If you don't believe it, then be still. Close your eyes. Listen. It will speak if you will pay attention. It might take some practice quieting the distracting thoughts from the outside world. I find it quite natural to block it out, don't know why.
Things I hear it saying now.
1. You can do what you must to make a living, but you must write.
2. What you will say will help others.
3. Don't worry about the content, I've given you all the material you need. Just listen.
4. Stop writing on this blog and start on Word.
Okay, I'm out, see ya later.
Friday, January 16, 2004
timeline, no dates.
1. born
2. play music where I experience the floating feeling of connecting to the universe and a higher reality somehow
3. graduate high school, feel devastated by the world
4. 1st year of college devastation continues, feel a loss of that connection
5. temporarily connect through religion. inspired by psychology and psychologist friend. pursue that path.
6. lose the connection, gain legalistic and damaging religion, erodes my inner life
7. find the same thing in psych phD program. left both.
8. floating around, making some money doing this or that, guilt about disappointing mom and dad, cannot trust anyone or anything including myself.
9. find a partner in chaos (j). get ready to follow the program for mom and dad.
10. find my mentors (b and dr. r). conflict. partner starts to find his way.
11. start to listen and to trust others, now finally able to hear the inner voice.
12. starting a journey.
1. born
2. play music where I experience the floating feeling of connecting to the universe and a higher reality somehow
3. graduate high school, feel devastated by the world
4. 1st year of college devastation continues, feel a loss of that connection
5. temporarily connect through religion. inspired by psychology and psychologist friend. pursue that path.
6. lose the connection, gain legalistic and damaging religion, erodes my inner life
7. find the same thing in psych phD program. left both.
8. floating around, making some money doing this or that, guilt about disappointing mom and dad, cannot trust anyone or anything including myself.
9. find a partner in chaos (j). get ready to follow the program for mom and dad.
10. find my mentors (b and dr. r). conflict. partner starts to find his way.
11. start to listen and to trust others, now finally able to hear the inner voice.
12. starting a journey.
to starve or not to starve. that is the question for tonight. as it always has been. i get so tired of filipino family brainwashing. so resigned to black and white questions, black and white views of the future. it is so easy for me to get caught up in the hierarchies and structure of any organization. whether it's the family, where the moms constantly compare and preen their kids and make them absolutely paranoid and afraid to step out for themselves... religion... work... etc. it's not really anyone's fault. it's the culture mom and dad were raised in, and they mean well.
but i'm old enough to know better, and definitely old enough to act on the wisdom i'm slowly gaining, that the militaristic hierarchy of do's, don'ts, shouldn'ts and should's in my head are blocking out the real world as it is. the real world is an anarchy. that you can shape. going to small claims court was a reality check because in theory it's about what's right. no, a court of law is just a group of people operating to a set of rules designed to help uphold what is right, but who eventually wins out is the one who knows what rules work for them, but also know where there really is no hard rule.
there is something beyond the boundaries mom and dad laid out. it's seductive, perhaps dangerous, but maybe it will lead on a visionary path, to something sacred, even.
but i'm old enough to know better, and definitely old enough to act on the wisdom i'm slowly gaining, that the militaristic hierarchy of do's, don'ts, shouldn'ts and should's in my head are blocking out the real world as it is. the real world is an anarchy. that you can shape. going to small claims court was a reality check because in theory it's about what's right. no, a court of law is just a group of people operating to a set of rules designed to help uphold what is right, but who eventually wins out is the one who knows what rules work for them, but also know where there really is no hard rule.
there is something beyond the boundaries mom and dad laid out. it's seductive, perhaps dangerous, but maybe it will lead on a visionary path, to something sacred, even.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
it is an utterly useless thing to compare yourself to others. i was watching diane sawyer interview jennifer aniston. clips of friends rolling like they were scenes out of Gandhi, rather than the insipid, mediocre pop candy television show that it was. people who are held up -- these celebrities -- are getting the spotlight because they make other people $$$. that's what it comes down to.
gotta find your way, and not fight the tide because of what you were taught what was the right, or cool, thing to do.
gotta find your way, and not fight the tide because of what you were taught what was the right, or cool, thing to do.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
i started writing this blog because i wanted to see the patterns of my head over the course of a year. i know i was going in with structure, became more comfortable with being looser, even writing stream of consciousness, but then went back to a strict structure again before i just exploded.
some fucked up dreams i've had
1. i dreamt that Dank and some others i know were on TV. i remember thinking that it must have become really easy to get on TV. then i was in my bathroom in the apartment. the door was closed and i tried to turn the doorknob but it wouldn't budge. i kept trying and it still wouldn't budge. so i calmed myself down and thought about what i could do. then i tried again and felt myself slowly start to panic. i felt trapped, like the walls were closing in on me.
2. last night, i dreamt i was in a little black box with the walls closing in on me. i actually woke up to blackness (my bedroom is very dark) and really couldn't breathe! it was freaky. i tripped over the headboard and jumped toward the door. i was relieved to get some air. i climbed back into bed. j doesn't remember and thinks i dreamt it all, but i didn't. i know i woke up.
3. b said i should tell nr about something i told him - why can't i REMEMBER?
some fucked up dreams i've had
1. i dreamt that Dank and some others i know were on TV. i remember thinking that it must have become really easy to get on TV. then i was in my bathroom in the apartment. the door was closed and i tried to turn the doorknob but it wouldn't budge. i kept trying and it still wouldn't budge. so i calmed myself down and thought about what i could do. then i tried again and felt myself slowly start to panic. i felt trapped, like the walls were closing in on me.
2. last night, i dreamt i was in a little black box with the walls closing in on me. i actually woke up to blackness (my bedroom is very dark) and really couldn't breathe! it was freaky. i tripped over the headboard and jumped toward the door. i was relieved to get some air. i climbed back into bed. j doesn't remember and thinks i dreamt it all, but i didn't. i know i woke up.
3. b said i should tell nr about something i told him - why can't i REMEMBER?
Sunday, December 21, 2003
i don't want to do med school i don't want to work, i don't want to do shit. i fuckin hate the expectations of them and you know what, if i want to be a fuckin irresponsible and crazy fucked up fuck then i will be. hahvid degree and all. fuckin i want to go and just throw shit out the window at the wall at you at people and laugh maniacally.
i'm going to write some more for the benefit of no one but myself. don't give a shit if you are reading anymore . i had a hidden blog once but fuck that. let's just say it all to the world. you dont' know who i am anyway. no one could know the dark shit that fills me, not even me. blocked. that's the way i take reaching for the light that i wonder more and more if it's just an unattainable piece of whatever it is, universe or god or spirit or... goodness or "fulfillment" i wish i could just grasp that but if not i can't take the gray anymore no no i want just the dark black aloneness just sitting with the chaos swirling and not having to please a fuckin' soul. no more of that. let me just be happy in my dark black aloneness, and why don't you just leave me be. if you cool you can sit with me in your own black hole and we can just be. yea.
what i feel:
ever feel just Dark. you just want to scribble on papers and scratch the walls and run into the dark street, run towards the headlights coming at you.
you wish you could just fuckin play chaotically like thelonius or someone on the keys. and your fingers feel it and you all of a sudden know what they were doing. not talking not singing but screaming. growling at the daftness of stupid ridiculous lala happiness marketed on banners on shiny phone booths with no phones actually in them. tearing their faces off, them people who are the culprits and are corrupting. you realize the truth is really a baldfaced fuckin lie and the lie is the fuckin truth and why not inject that shit, drink that shit, lie in your vomit and wait for the headlights to run over your useless skull that's thought so much of what's right and good and proper and what does this person need. fuck that. why not just lie under the headlights not giving a shit whether you'd still look tiny as your tiny body is when the cars smash your ribs and stomach and freshly built muscley sinewy mini female biceps and rip parts of your hair off your skull. man that's a really tiny woman, they'd say, who decided to just get run over. but i'm not going to do it, i just feel like it, i just feel like injecting shit in my veins like i saw someone do once, just to feel like who gives a shite. but i'm not going to do any of it, nooo, i'm just going to do nothing and worry as always but fuck if you know what's going on in my mind. this is a gift don't you know.
ever feel just Dark. you just want to scribble on papers and scratch the walls and run into the dark street, run towards the headlights coming at you.
you wish you could just fuckin play chaotically like thelonius or someone on the keys. and your fingers feel it and you all of a sudden know what they were doing. not talking not singing but screaming. growling at the daftness of stupid ridiculous lala happiness marketed on banners on shiny phone booths with no phones actually in them. tearing their faces off, them people who are the culprits and are corrupting. you realize the truth is really a baldfaced fuckin lie and the lie is the fuckin truth and why not inject that shit, drink that shit, lie in your vomit and wait for the headlights to run over your useless skull that's thought so much of what's right and good and proper and what does this person need. fuck that. why not just lie under the headlights not giving a shit whether you'd still look tiny as your tiny body is when the cars smash your ribs and stomach and freshly built muscley sinewy mini female biceps and rip parts of your hair off your skull. man that's a really tiny woman, they'd say, who decided to just get run over. but i'm not going to do it, i just feel like it, i just feel like injecting shit in my veins like i saw someone do once, just to feel like who gives a shite. but i'm not going to do any of it, nooo, i'm just going to do nothing and worry as always but fuck if you know what's going on in my mind. this is a gift don't you know.
Friday, December 12, 2003
where i am: home, saw cuz's blog
my energy: chillin' (at home)
my plans: to quit the chic equinox gym and join the ugly purple Crunch gym. blech.
last web site remembered: cuz's sintapea blog
fun things today: seeing mommy and daddy -- they're in nyc
annoyed by: having to work
where I'm going: equinox
what i'd rather do: organize my apartment. i love that book "living large in small spaces"
last inspired by: the book living large in small spaces and thinking how lucky i am to live in this apartment.
last interesting convo: talkin' with bro about how he never saw me cry like i did last night (i was hysterical cuz i couldn't find my mommy!! LOL)
my energy: chillin' (at home)
my plans: to quit the chic equinox gym and join the ugly purple Crunch gym. blech.
last web site remembered: cuz's sintapea blog
fun things today: seeing mommy and daddy -- they're in nyc
annoyed by: having to work
where I'm going: equinox
what i'd rather do: organize my apartment. i love that book "living large in small spaces"
last inspired by: the book living large in small spaces and thinking how lucky i am to live in this apartment.
last interesting convo: talkin' with bro about how he never saw me cry like i did last night (i was hysterical cuz i couldn't find my mommy!! LOL)
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
AN IMPORTANT SKILL TO LEARN: SUING IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT
How New Yorkers Who Can't Afford Lawyers Can Sue!
Just thought I'd pass on the wisdom because for some reason, I have never seen this info well-organized in one place on the internet. Be patient as I do this in parts -- here goes. If you have any suggestions, email me here (take out the word "spam")
I just finished suing a check casher and employer over a stolen, cashed paycheck incident I had in 2001 (during the Anthrax attacks). My final judgment is coming in a couple weeks.
NOTE: I AM NOT A LAWYER, just a regular New Yorker who did this all by trial & error.
HOW TO SUE IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT
I. Whether to sue
Always try to negotiate with people first. Call your nemesis and see if you can work out something.
Follow up by WRITING A LETTER stating the dispute, and that you will take them to court if it's not worked out. This is very important for some reason. See Nolo.com for more info on this (I didn't actually do this, though I should have).
If you're willing to settle, often you can get a good deal because people don't like going to court.
But don't be afraid to go to court yourself. Sometimes, this is the only way.
NOTE: You may want to write letters to a bunch of government agencies because you're pissed off. Go ahead but don't make this your only avenue. Go to court.
At first I did this, because when my check was stolen from the mail, I was told that it was not under the police jurisdiction but the postmasters' (who no longer exists, by the way).
I got the runaround with all these government bureau's "official investigations" that take months, even years. I also got TERRIBLE legal advice and ended up losing the first time in small claims court because some bozo at the Public Advocate (who also no longer exists) told me that I should go after my employer for lost wages, and then patly suggested I go to small claims court. They say stupid things like that because they just want you off their back.
I also wrote the news media at NY1.com, and they just sent me to a bunch of numbers and web sites that were semi-helpful, but more often no longer in existence. My time on TV was still to come (as you'll read later).
Little did I know what a waste of time this would be. Poor naive little me. Don't do what I did.
II. Finding a lawyer
LEGAL ADVICE IS SO IMPORTANT! I cannot stress this enough. However, lawyers are expensive. Most charge at least $200/hour to talk. This is how poor people do it.
Instead, send the message to everyone you know, "do you know a lawyer who's willing to give me some advice for cheap?"
Look for your local bar association or Legal Aid Society web sites (great for certain types of disputes). Tenant.net is great for landlord/tenant disputes.
Try to remember which of your friends actually decided to be a lawyer, and which ones are willing to help you. Even better, someone who can hook you up with Lexis-Nexis (the ultimate law research database) or a pass into their Law library. I suppose you can also go to the NY Public Library and inquire their law library - not sure if it exists. I did all my research on Lexis.com.
Check out the http://www.nolo.com site for really great, basic guidance through the system and advice.
Also, go to the bookstore for books on suing - lots of good Nolo books, and other "Law for Dummies" books there.
III. Researching the law
There are two main types of info you will be looking at:
Case law (they are published in digests called Reporters, eg North East Reporter, NY Supplement, etc.)
The actual law (eg NY Constitution)
Law Review (comments on the law and offers interpretation, explains revisions, etc -- Lexis.com)
Case law are actual cases that are written up in a summary form. In the Lexis.com, you can see not only what precedents might be set, but also the laws that pertain to each case.
For some reason Lexis make it hard for you to link directly to the law -- just look at the links in the case, eg. "commercial law (ucc) / article 3." Then go back to the main menu and look up the constitution section, and open up "commercial law" "article 3" -- there's boxes you click to open the menus.
Look for RECENT CASES that are like yours (law changes a lot, though the old cases are often interesting), then look at the law that pertains to it. Then, frame your argument around these laws -- not according to your own opinion.
In my case, I had to prove the check casher was liable. For example, there are no rules in Commercial Law regarding "how" you check ID. There are laws, however, on the fact that if a bank cashes a forged check (check cashers are held to this as well, I think -- but again, I'm not a lawyer), they are liable.
So instead of saying, "I'm suing because they didn't check ID," (I'd lose) I said, "I'm suing because they didn't authenticate my signature, which had been forged."
IV. Arbitration vs. judge
When you arrive at NY Small Claims Court in New York City (111 Centre Street), Nassau and Westchester counties, the cities of Buffalo and Rochester, you're able to choose between an arbitrator and a judge. An arbitrator is an experienced lawyer who serves without pay. Both sides agree have to agree to be tried by an arbitrator.
The hearing before an arbitrator is less formal, and you may not be as nervous as you might be before a judge. When an arbitrator determines a case, the decision is final and there is not further appeal by either the claimant or defendant. The fact is most small claims cases that are appealed hardly ever win, so this is a very reasonable option.
An arbitrator will apply the same law to your case as the judge would apply. Also, if you choose an arbitrator you will definitely be in and out -- if you choose a judge, you will have to come back, sometimes several times. This is because there usually are many arbitrators available and only one or two judges.
In my case, I went with an arbitrator. I waited around in a courtroom -- basically a big room with benches where everyone sits and waits for their name to be called, like in jury duty -- for a half hour before being called to the waiting room to wait for another hour to meet with the arbitrator. Not fun. Bring a magazine, or better, a friend. Moral support is a nice thing to have vs. biting your fingernails and eating the crap in the vending machines, next to the big sign that says, "NO SMOKING, EATING OR DRINKING IN THIS ROOM."
It was in this tiny little classroom-like room, and me and the defendant sat right next to each other. That was a little wierd. You really want to be prepared because it can be nerve-wracking. I'm not someone who gets very nervous, and even I felt a little stressed.
Be prepared... the next section is important for this.
V. Preparing your case for small claims court
DO YOUR RESEARCH! See section III.
Then read this FAQ from Nolo.com. It is extremely helpful.
Look nice and professional. Makes a BIG difference. But don't look pimped out either. In court, people Judge you -- remember that.
The Opening Remarks is very important (see above faq for guidance).
Winning a case is all about bringing EVIDENCE and WITNESSES (if you can). Be prepared for anything.
Winning is also about presentation, about what you let them see. This is why lawyers are snakes. It's part of the game. Be honest, but shrewd as well.
Also be concise. They get impatient very fast with long-winded, nervous explanation. They will sound rude and short. You have to understand that they see things through the law and are trying to filter and translate your babble into the law. Be calm, do not interrupt, be assertive but balanced. You want to seem like the mature, cool, RIGHT one.
I wish someone had told me this: when the arbitrator / judge asks you stuff, only answer their question. DO NOT VOLUNTEER STUFF IF YOU DON'T GET ASKED FOR IT.
Practice, practice, practice your opening remarks. Argue it with a friend, get someone to do devil's advocate with you.
Funny thing that could happen to you:
When I filed my first case against my employer, I got called by the People's Court (remember that TV show?). Apparently, the small claims court is public record so people can see your info.
You REALLY want to be prepared for something like this. Judge Milian will not hesitate to mock you if you give her the chance -- it's not just court, it's TV. The stagehands will pump you up to be really aggressive and entertaining. I gave them that and they gave me some back -- I told the judge that I was in grad school, and when she asked where, I did (I went to Harvard)... I was really sorry I said that, because after that Judge M seemed to have it in for me. I lost.
VI. Collecting Judgment
More on this if I win... check out NY Small Claims Court site for their advice.
Web Links on the Law
(If not linked, input these terms into Google. I'll supply it later.)
http://www.lexis.com
http://www.nolo.com
http://www.findlaw.com
http://www.courts.state.ny.us
http://www.tenant.net/Court/Howcourt/sclaim.html Official NY Small Claims Court site
http://www.housingnyc.com/resources/resources.html
http://www.rentlaw.com/smallclaims.htm
http://tenant.net
http://www.nypirg.com
ny constitution
legal aid
new york bar association
ny state banking department
Universities often have law services for students and the community. Call your local university law schools for more info.
Hope this was helpful.
How New Yorkers Who Can't Afford Lawyers Can Sue!
Just thought I'd pass on the wisdom because for some reason, I have never seen this info well-organized in one place on the internet. Be patient as I do this in parts -- here goes. If you have any suggestions, email me here (take out the word "spam")
I just finished suing a check casher and employer over a stolen, cashed paycheck incident I had in 2001 (during the Anthrax attacks). My final judgment is coming in a couple weeks.
NOTE: I AM NOT A LAWYER, just a regular New Yorker who did this all by trial & error.
HOW TO SUE IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT
I. Whether to sue
Always try to negotiate with people first. Call your nemesis and see if you can work out something.
Follow up by WRITING A LETTER stating the dispute, and that you will take them to court if it's not worked out. This is very important for some reason. See Nolo.com for more info on this (I didn't actually do this, though I should have).
If you're willing to settle, often you can get a good deal because people don't like going to court.
But don't be afraid to go to court yourself. Sometimes, this is the only way.
NOTE: You may want to write letters to a bunch of government agencies because you're pissed off. Go ahead but don't make this your only avenue. Go to court.
At first I did this, because when my check was stolen from the mail, I was told that it was not under the police jurisdiction but the postmasters' (who no longer exists, by the way).
I got the runaround with all these government bureau's "official investigations" that take months, even years. I also got TERRIBLE legal advice and ended up losing the first time in small claims court because some bozo at the Public Advocate (who also no longer exists) told me that I should go after my employer for lost wages, and then patly suggested I go to small claims court. They say stupid things like that because they just want you off their back.
I also wrote the news media at NY1.com, and they just sent me to a bunch of numbers and web sites that were semi-helpful, but more often no longer in existence. My time on TV was still to come (as you'll read later).
Little did I know what a waste of time this would be. Poor naive little me. Don't do what I did.
II. Finding a lawyer
LEGAL ADVICE IS SO IMPORTANT! I cannot stress this enough. However, lawyers are expensive. Most charge at least $200/hour to talk. This is how poor people do it.
Instead, send the message to everyone you know, "do you know a lawyer who's willing to give me some advice for cheap?"
Look for your local bar association or Legal Aid Society web sites (great for certain types of disputes). Tenant.net is great for landlord/tenant disputes.
Try to remember which of your friends actually decided to be a lawyer, and which ones are willing to help you. Even better, someone who can hook you up with Lexis-Nexis (the ultimate law research database) or a pass into their Law library. I suppose you can also go to the NY Public Library and inquire their law library - not sure if it exists. I did all my research on Lexis.com.
Check out the http://www.nolo.com site for really great, basic guidance through the system and advice.
Also, go to the bookstore for books on suing - lots of good Nolo books, and other "Law for Dummies" books there.
III. Researching the law
There are two main types of info you will be looking at:
Case law (they are published in digests called Reporters, eg North East Reporter, NY Supplement, etc.)
The actual law (eg NY Constitution)
Law Review (comments on the law and offers interpretation, explains revisions, etc -- Lexis.com)
Case law are actual cases that are written up in a summary form. In the Lexis.com, you can see not only what precedents might be set, but also the laws that pertain to each case.
For some reason Lexis make it hard for you to link directly to the law -- just look at the links in the case, eg. "commercial law (ucc) / article 3." Then go back to the main menu and look up the constitution section, and open up "commercial law" "article 3" -- there's boxes you click to open the menus.
Look for RECENT CASES that are like yours (law changes a lot, though the old cases are often interesting), then look at the law that pertains to it. Then, frame your argument around these laws -- not according to your own opinion.
In my case, I had to prove the check casher was liable. For example, there are no rules in Commercial Law regarding "how" you check ID. There are laws, however, on the fact that if a bank cashes a forged check (check cashers are held to this as well, I think -- but again, I'm not a lawyer), they are liable.
So instead of saying, "I'm suing because they didn't check ID," (I'd lose) I said, "I'm suing because they didn't authenticate my signature, which had been forged."
IV. Arbitration vs. judge
When you arrive at NY Small Claims Court in New York City (111 Centre Street), Nassau and Westchester counties, the cities of Buffalo and Rochester, you're able to choose between an arbitrator and a judge. An arbitrator is an experienced lawyer who serves without pay. Both sides agree have to agree to be tried by an arbitrator.
The hearing before an arbitrator is less formal, and you may not be as nervous as you might be before a judge. When an arbitrator determines a case, the decision is final and there is not further appeal by either the claimant or defendant. The fact is most small claims cases that are appealed hardly ever win, so this is a very reasonable option.
An arbitrator will apply the same law to your case as the judge would apply. Also, if you choose an arbitrator you will definitely be in and out -- if you choose a judge, you will have to come back, sometimes several times. This is because there usually are many arbitrators available and only one or two judges.
In my case, I went with an arbitrator. I waited around in a courtroom -- basically a big room with benches where everyone sits and waits for their name to be called, like in jury duty -- for a half hour before being called to the waiting room to wait for another hour to meet with the arbitrator. Not fun. Bring a magazine, or better, a friend. Moral support is a nice thing to have vs. biting your fingernails and eating the crap in the vending machines, next to the big sign that says, "NO SMOKING, EATING OR DRINKING IN THIS ROOM."
It was in this tiny little classroom-like room, and me and the defendant sat right next to each other. That was a little wierd. You really want to be prepared because it can be nerve-wracking. I'm not someone who gets very nervous, and even I felt a little stressed.
Be prepared... the next section is important for this.
V. Preparing your case for small claims court
DO YOUR RESEARCH! See section III.
Then read this FAQ from Nolo.com. It is extremely helpful.
Look nice and professional. Makes a BIG difference. But don't look pimped out either. In court, people Judge you -- remember that.
The Opening Remarks is very important (see above faq for guidance).
Winning a case is all about bringing EVIDENCE and WITNESSES (if you can). Be prepared for anything.
Winning is also about presentation, about what you let them see. This is why lawyers are snakes. It's part of the game. Be honest, but shrewd as well.
Also be concise. They get impatient very fast with long-winded, nervous explanation. They will sound rude and short. You have to understand that they see things through the law and are trying to filter and translate your babble into the law. Be calm, do not interrupt, be assertive but balanced. You want to seem like the mature, cool, RIGHT one.
I wish someone had told me this: when the arbitrator / judge asks you stuff, only answer their question. DO NOT VOLUNTEER STUFF IF YOU DON'T GET ASKED FOR IT.
Practice, practice, practice your opening remarks. Argue it with a friend, get someone to do devil's advocate with you.
Funny thing that could happen to you:
When I filed my first case against my employer, I got called by the People's Court (remember that TV show?). Apparently, the small claims court is public record so people can see your info.
You REALLY want to be prepared for something like this. Judge Milian will not hesitate to mock you if you give her the chance -- it's not just court, it's TV. The stagehands will pump you up to be really aggressive and entertaining. I gave them that and they gave me some back -- I told the judge that I was in grad school, and when she asked where, I did (I went to Harvard)... I was really sorry I said that, because after that Judge M seemed to have it in for me. I lost.
VI. Collecting Judgment
More on this if I win... check out NY Small Claims Court site for their advice.
Web Links on the Law
(If not linked, input these terms into Google. I'll supply it later.)
http://www.lexis.com
http://www.nolo.com
http://www.findlaw.com
http://www.courts.state.ny.us
http://www.tenant.net/Court/Howcourt/sclaim.html Official NY Small Claims Court site
http://www.housingnyc.com/resources/resources.html
http://www.rentlaw.com/smallclaims.htm
http://tenant.net
http://www.nypirg.com
ny constitution
legal aid
new york bar association
ny state banking department
Universities often have law services for students and the community. Call your local university law schools for more info.
Hope this was helpful.