I was at a gathering at X's apartment, who used to lead hunter with Andrew and had a frog tat on her toe. This was years later after I'd already left. I mentioned that I was not into the church thing anymore, and X had a hard time keeping a straight face; her disapproval was in her body language.
Monica was there too and was loudly verbally gossiping about me. So through the door I started loudly gossiping about what a b* leader she was.
On the other side of the apartment were those of us who left. One girl was there, Carla (not a person from real life) who I found hilarious. I brought a bunch of filipino desserts and fruits for us to munch on, while we were discussing having left, and the others. I ate mostly then offered it to others, who all pounced on it.
I was walking down some stairs outside with one of the guys from the party, who looked like Andy from the bear ride (who helped Serena). I felt confident and in control.
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I had told H about my interactions with R, S and Cole (who had all sort of hit on me one way or another) and the verdict was basically to move on. Although H was sort of hitting on me too. I am pretty much over the crushes for now. It's nice to be admired, though.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Moving Dream
I was moving from my apartment in Dave's house; but I had a different landlord, who was a middle eastern or black guy who was trying to help me for the move, which I had waited to do til the last minute. I started trying to pack stuff, but there no boxes for move, except for cardboard boxes I had stored stuff in. I moved around videotapes in existing box in an attempt to start putting things in there.
My new apt is in town, and I wonder about parking space for my car since parking tix come easily. There's a driveway for car in back, wonder if the landlord will let me use it. I see a pretty indian girl with a car back there who says hello to me as she walks to her car, talking on phone with friend about indian things, and I wonder if she lives there too.
Suddenly I'm in the driveway with Nadine L in the car with husband. She is talking on the phone giving advice as a lawyer. Her husband takes the rear mirror, and adjusts it at a weird angle for a friend of mine who's sitting in passenger seat, and doesn't want it the regular way for some reason. He bends it to the right, not very useful for the driver. I flipped down the mirror to try and help them. he wants it facing him so he can actually use the mirror somehow. I put it back for him and he makes minor adjustments.
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I have a new crush, yet am feeling anxiety about any possibility of a new relationship. I fear that it will just remain a crush and will be a painful one to boot, and I am just not ready to feel any pain again. Yet I still pursue it in my mind; can't help it. He is giving mixed signals, and those signals were leaning toward not interested today. I wonder if he is gay. He sent me pics of me he took today when we were riding. Pushed me up the hill. Talked to me. Yet avoided my gaze the entire time.
My new apt is in town, and I wonder about parking space for my car since parking tix come easily. There's a driveway for car in back, wonder if the landlord will let me use it. I see a pretty indian girl with a car back there who says hello to me as she walks to her car, talking on phone with friend about indian things, and I wonder if she lives there too.
Suddenly I'm in the driveway with Nadine L in the car with husband. She is talking on the phone giving advice as a lawyer. Her husband takes the rear mirror, and adjusts it at a weird angle for a friend of mine who's sitting in passenger seat, and doesn't want it the regular way for some reason. He bends it to the right, not very useful for the driver. I flipped down the mirror to try and help them. he wants it facing him so he can actually use the mirror somehow. I put it back for him and he makes minor adjustments.
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I have a new crush, yet am feeling anxiety about any possibility of a new relationship. I fear that it will just remain a crush and will be a painful one to boot, and I am just not ready to feel any pain again. Yet I still pursue it in my mind; can't help it. He is giving mixed signals, and those signals were leaning toward not interested today. I wonder if he is gay. He sent me pics of me he took today when we were riding. Pushed me up the hill. Talked to me. Yet avoided my gaze the entire time.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Keys, and a Blue Snake Pulls Out a Gold Bracelet
A bunch of us were at the office at night due to some kind of convention or event. Steve m was cleaning out a cubicle as I watched. There was a file holder with a bunch of keys in them that he started to throw away, and I stopped him. Then Jenny G from TNT came up and said no, I had to throw them out. But I thought I needed them and made Steve keep them even though it was in a messy pile and I didn't necessarily know what they opened.
I was walking through the lobby and walked past the "Derek C" show (Jeremy H's psychic). His face was painted in white outline against a blue wall. This was clearly where the studio audience went to go see his show live.
Then I was outside somewhere that looked like Harlem. I watched a hispanic street guy washing something blue by one of those roller carts. When I looked again, I realized it was a big blue snake (same bright blue as Derek C's show's wall) that he was washing. The man was holding him out like he was a little afraid. I had for some reason swallowed a gold chain and some other things. Before I knew it, I had the blue snake in my stomach, and his head was coming out of my mouth. I freaked, but then realized that I just had to relax my stomach and the snake would come out. When he came out completely, the gold bracelet came out with him. I swallowed it back.
The snake slithered out to the corner where some regular moms stood with children and their dogs. The mom welcomed the snake as if she knew the snake, as if it were a cute dog.
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I had called Derek C bc I knew I had to make some big decisions. I let him know later that I thought it was a lot of money, until I had to make a big decision where I really needed to talk to him. At first I thought the topic for discussion would be about ph vs us med, but this morning I realized I should talk to him about Columbia v Hunter since I got a 2nd interview at C for a research job although it paid half of what I make now, with little chance to publish. I am loving my work at S right now and my salary so I feel really torn. Last night I had gone to orientation at H and told C and Frank about the decision. I really don't know what I'll do if I'm offered the position. I really want to continue work with S but don't know if that's possible, even on a consulting basis with school and f/t at Columbia.
This dream is clearly related to that conflict over losing half my salary to the possible C med ctr research position that may be offered to me (I got a second interview yesterday).
Keys represent opportunity and unexpected changes. Work (Steve M) has been presenting opportunities lately, and my pursuit of medicine/passion (which Jenny G represents through TNT) represents my having to reject the opportunities that my work with S presents.
Blue represents intellectual and spiritual insights. The blue snake stand for fear... as well as transformation, death, rebirth as a result of those insights. Perhaps the dream says that once I let go of the fear, that is what will bring rebirth and success out of me (gold). But I wanted to keep the gold in my stomach. Stomach represents new changes, which hold success and wealth but it is shown to me before it is given to me in the transformation.
And the mothers who welcomed the snake like a cute pet -- I viewed them in the dream as typical, average people with family and kids -- a future I feel really ambivalent about at this point. Yet the snake leaves me to the gold and becomes a pet of the average person, who I am not. Not sure what that's about.
I was walking through the lobby and walked past the "Derek C" show (Jeremy H's psychic). His face was painted in white outline against a blue wall. This was clearly where the studio audience went to go see his show live.
Then I was outside somewhere that looked like Harlem. I watched a hispanic street guy washing something blue by one of those roller carts. When I looked again, I realized it was a big blue snake (same bright blue as Derek C's show's wall) that he was washing. The man was holding him out like he was a little afraid. I had for some reason swallowed a gold chain and some other things. Before I knew it, I had the blue snake in my stomach, and his head was coming out of my mouth. I freaked, but then realized that I just had to relax my stomach and the snake would come out. When he came out completely, the gold bracelet came out with him. I swallowed it back.
The snake slithered out to the corner where some regular moms stood with children and their dogs. The mom welcomed the snake as if she knew the snake, as if it were a cute dog.
-----
I had called Derek C bc I knew I had to make some big decisions. I let him know later that I thought it was a lot of money, until I had to make a big decision where I really needed to talk to him. At first I thought the topic for discussion would be about ph vs us med, but this morning I realized I should talk to him about Columbia v Hunter since I got a 2nd interview at C for a research job although it paid half of what I make now, with little chance to publish. I am loving my work at S right now and my salary so I feel really torn. Last night I had gone to orientation at H and told C and Frank about the decision. I really don't know what I'll do if I'm offered the position. I really want to continue work with S but don't know if that's possible, even on a consulting basis with school and f/t at Columbia.
This dream is clearly related to that conflict over losing half my salary to the possible C med ctr research position that may be offered to me (I got a second interview yesterday).
Keys represent opportunity and unexpected changes. Work (Steve M) has been presenting opportunities lately, and my pursuit of medicine/passion (which Jenny G represents through TNT) represents my having to reject the opportunities that my work with S presents.
Blue represents intellectual and spiritual insights. The blue snake stand for fear... as well as transformation, death, rebirth as a result of those insights. Perhaps the dream says that once I let go of the fear, that is what will bring rebirth and success out of me (gold). But I wanted to keep the gold in my stomach. Stomach represents new changes, which hold success and wealth but it is shown to me before it is given to me in the transformation.
And the mothers who welcomed the snake like a cute pet -- I viewed them in the dream as typical, average people with family and kids -- a future I feel really ambivalent about at this point. Yet the snake leaves me to the gold and becomes a pet of the average person, who I am not. Not sure what that's about.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Wilderness and the Healed to become Healer
I was in California with mom and our "family" (who I didn't know) and we were camping out in the woods for some reason (looked like the campground from Maui). Mom was making some food in a fire, and I noticed that there were three tents to house all of us. It was very roomy. I marveled at the fact that we were camping, and wondered why we had decided to do that.
Then I was at D's and my old apartment. I was helping get the closet room ready for the party, and Bruce from work was helping me. We started arranging folding chairs against the walls, and I noticed a piano, not the steinway, was in the room. F, D's dad, told me that the steinway was given away, but they kept the other piano. I didn't remember there being another piano.
I started looking my Zipp 202s, which I had left at the house, and in a corner instead I found some other things, mostly gloves, pillow cases, scarves. Then I went into the office room and in the corner were a bunch of wheels clustered together. They included some crappy wheels plus some extremely nice wheels, recent model 303s, that were clumped in there. I was pretty excited to find those and started digging them out. Then D came out and started being an annoying, whiny bastard, and I remember being irritated with him. Stefan, D's friend, was there, watching the conflict from behind D, but choosing not comment or involve himself.
Then later S came up to me with a pretty girl friend of his, while I was dealing with the wheels. He said that she wanted to know if she should see a doctor about her face, which was numb along the jawline. I said that she should go see a doctor about it, and stated a few things it might be. And then she tried to get me to give her real medical advice so she wouldn't have to see a doctor. I said that I couldn't help her because I didn't know the answer and that she should go to a doctor. I was not a doctor in the dream, but somehow she felt that I could still help her.
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I've been thinking about forgiveness for both mom and D. Not sure what camping dream is about; maybe it's that mom's and my relationship is in the wilderness now, living in an unfamiliar setting because I am now deciding to not talk to her often and figure out the best way to handle her toxic ways.
The apartment is D's and my relationship. The "other" piano represents the new girl, while the steinway that was given away, represents me. Bruce and the party is my getting ready to make sense of the relationship; however there is still some unfinished business, like my getting my stuff out. However there are some undiscovered gems or lessons, represented by the unexpected Zipp 303 find, as well as still painful memories, with D yelling and S observing it all. (D gossiped meanly about me to all of his friends. That hurt.) The girl wanting my medical advice is just a likely result of the relationship--people needing me to become a healer, as I will become a good one through my making sense of my own emotions.
I had met a new boy on my bike ride yesterday too. Probably won't lead anywhere, but definitely generated some feelings.
Then I was at D's and my old apartment. I was helping get the closet room ready for the party, and Bruce from work was helping me. We started arranging folding chairs against the walls, and I noticed a piano, not the steinway, was in the room. F, D's dad, told me that the steinway was given away, but they kept the other piano. I didn't remember there being another piano.
I started looking my Zipp 202s, which I had left at the house, and in a corner instead I found some other things, mostly gloves, pillow cases, scarves. Then I went into the office room and in the corner were a bunch of wheels clustered together. They included some crappy wheels plus some extremely nice wheels, recent model 303s, that were clumped in there. I was pretty excited to find those and started digging them out. Then D came out and started being an annoying, whiny bastard, and I remember being irritated with him. Stefan, D's friend, was there, watching the conflict from behind D, but choosing not comment or involve himself.
Then later S came up to me with a pretty girl friend of his, while I was dealing with the wheels. He said that she wanted to know if she should see a doctor about her face, which was numb along the jawline. I said that she should go see a doctor about it, and stated a few things it might be. And then she tried to get me to give her real medical advice so she wouldn't have to see a doctor. I said that I couldn't help her because I didn't know the answer and that she should go to a doctor. I was not a doctor in the dream, but somehow she felt that I could still help her.
----
I've been thinking about forgiveness for both mom and D. Not sure what camping dream is about; maybe it's that mom's and my relationship is in the wilderness now, living in an unfamiliar setting because I am now deciding to not talk to her often and figure out the best way to handle her toxic ways.
The apartment is D's and my relationship. The "other" piano represents the new girl, while the steinway that was given away, represents me. Bruce and the party is my getting ready to make sense of the relationship; however there is still some unfinished business, like my getting my stuff out. However there are some undiscovered gems or lessons, represented by the unexpected Zipp 303 find, as well as still painful memories, with D yelling and S observing it all. (D gossiped meanly about me to all of his friends. That hurt.) The girl wanting my medical advice is just a likely result of the relationship--people needing me to become a healer, as I will become a good one through my making sense of my own emotions.
I had met a new boy on my bike ride yesterday too. Probably won't lead anywhere, but definitely generated some feelings.