where i am: work
my energy: chill, but my back is hurting me today (injured in yoga...!)
my plans: new year's eve, hangin' w/bobby & simone, party hopping manhattan-williamsburg
last web site remembered: my blog, the equinox web site- chi-chi gym i'm checking out today
fun things today: nothing yet. i'm tired of my back hurting.
last interesting convo: my conversation with h was really inspiring. i was telling him that i feel frustrated because i am not really using my brain and talents as much as i know i can. he made an interesting point, that my strength is organizing. he's right, in a way, though i felt that leading was really difficult. i am a really good administrator, good at keeping multiple tasks going. i feel like he is such a genius because he is always thinking and coming up with really great logical arguments on a variety of topics. it's hard, except for certain topics, for me to get really deep unless i'm constantly being stimulated. after reading more political writings i've become a bit more knowledgeable. but i realized in our talk that i have not really applied or questioned some basic theories & principles, such as the inverse balance of equality and liberty (h's paper), while i'm reading. h really challenges me in this way and it is so great. i wish he was in nyc. need more friends like this who are as bright as he is.
another thing is i feel like i am getting really slow and turpid in my thinking. doing the same things over and over in the working world- although my present job is more challenging than in the past- is making me feel stupid. i miss school and the challenge of grasping at concepts all day. it's hard to motivate when you're on your own instead of in a class.
i think the gym thing has been an analogy for my life, and i didn't realize it til now. (before, my knitting hobby was serving as something to ponder). i had this conversation with the trainer who worked with me yesterday (i joined nysc on saturday, and cutting off from crunch) how it's hard to motivate to work when you're on your own instead of on team or some sport when a coach or teacher is expecting it, counting on it. i told him that i discovered a physical high; the first time was after my first yoga class, then my first chiropractor visit, my first shiatsu massage, then my first fruit/vegetables breakfast (i've only recently started buying & eating them in the morning! been a bagel/meat/cheese person for so long). after that all i want to do is get that again. health is a great high. and i have to take care of my back too. i will lose a few pounds and tone without trying, my body reacts so fast to consistent exercise.
maybe i will find this intellectually. the mind-body connection is more profound than i realized.
last inspired by: when i told h about how smart i think he was and how i felt i was becoming slow, he said that we just have different strengths- each person has a role and they help each other. he said i help him when i talk with him for hours, he forms the logic for his arguments by remembering conversations.

someone sent me a bunch of links to some famous blogs, like www.andrewsullivan.com. i had no idea that my dear favorite, www.drudgereport.com, was so intimately linked to this community, but it makes sense.
i am so annoyed with the first conversation i wrote about, with steve. will work out the illogical kinks and re-post.
----------------------
where i am: work
my energy: tired but relaxed
my plans: actually doing some work, and nysc training later. have to get to that diversity manual. ALSO, need to call the post office and go to small claims court to file against the agency that cashed my check to the thief. too much to do. have to move this week too- ARRRGH!
last web site remembered: www.andrewsullivan.com and the post article.
fun things today: crunching on my guiltless gourmet chips and my co-worker laughing at how loud my crunches were-made her hungry!
annoyed by: the fact that this country is fucked- reading zinn and chomsky. need to get some perspective, do some research, not get too depressed about the state of the world. afraid that chomsky may be right about the powers that be, that they would like this country to be like the third world, where they have all the wealth and the rest of us have nothing.
last inspired by: conversation w/h, about how our different talents. he's a "brancher," i'm a "constructor"
last interesting convo: see above, to be detailed later
a worry, and solution: i suck at my job and i'm going to get fired? / just keep truckin'

crunch sucks ass. the purple/yellow interior, the bad dance music screaming overhead, and the worst part: while trying to prepare for yoga class, a bad disco song screamed over the vent for "the ride" class next door. annoying!! i'm definitely NOT joining this gym. besides, the assholes want you to commit to either 6mo, 2yrs, or 3yrs. fuck that! i'm going with nysc- quiet, month to month membership, and they have meditation.
----------------------
where i am: j's place, just finished eating
my energy: relaxed, a little anxious
my plans: editing the diversity manual-at least, downloading the files
last web site remembered: delphiforum, and rosegvr saying her response to "the icc is changing" - writing her back
fun things today: using crunch and join nysc
annoyed by: too little time for manual
where I'm going: free training at crunch, then check out nysc's gym (need to bring cds)
what i'd rather do: start editing this manual
last inspired by: remembering running in c park when i first started at NYU
last interesting convo: told j a little bit about the filmforum and the n chomsky film
a worry, and solution: being cheated on/ to trust, for the sake of the act of love, and other reasons

where i am: j's place, checking on things
my energy: refreshed, ready to go, feel clean
my plans: right now, eating
last web site remembered: delphiforum, and guy saying "help me out,what's a blog?"
last event: seeing power & terror (n. chomsky) at filmforum. also got "manufacturing consent" on dvd. it was awesome seeing a movie by myself for the first time. i picked a good one.
fun things today: anticipation
annoyed by: nothing
where I'm going: crunch, then break into nysc
what i'd rather do: nothing
last inspired by: remembering how great my first yoga class and first visit to the chiropracter felt
last interesting convo: this morning, w/simon my roommate- about elliot wave theory, a formula for the perfect song, making it "swing," and how sick he is of music right now. i told him i'd drag him out to non-music things.

i hate the thought of having a personal "diary" online. i know blogs are not really diaries but i've seen some like that, especially back a few years, around 1999. it seems that there are a lot of lonely people who wish to have all their private thoughts blasted into internet space. however, i do like the idea of tracking my thoughts and having the ability to see them in a larger context. if you are reading this, it is because i have privileged you, my friend, into my space.
i also enjoy ranting. my favorite place on the web is www.delphiforums.com. i like making fun of my old church, amongst other things, in exicoc_support and iccdiscussion. but it's time to move on to other things, i think...
----------------------
where i am: work
my energy: tired, restless
my plans: none, but would like to see gangs of new york. checkin' out a gym.
last web site remembered: ofoto. just sent out my holiday piccies
last event: jay leaving on tour again
fun things today: starting this blog, making comments on my pics, and setting up some polls
annoyed by: co-worker who keeps blasting loud shit on his computer
where I'm going: meeting prospective roommates
what i'd rather do: watch that movie w/someone i haven't hung out with for a while.
last inspired by: cornel west. jay and i were watching someone interview him on c-span. he talked about transformation. he thinks the scariest thing is not external, but true self-exploration. he recommended 5 books. Cornel loves jazz artists as well, as they represent to him people who are most truly being who they are.
this is why i loved gandhi, MLK, Malcolm X in college.
it is hard to be inspired lately. putting on the adult mask, going to work.
last interesting convo: with steve sykes, about identity vs conformity. not sure that's a good way to frame the argument. it began with the question, what makes a great "hit" vs. a great "song"? his example of a great "hit" that's not the other: J.Lo's "Jenny from the block." he says it appeals to middle america, in that they can be proud to be a little ghetto buying her stuff. jlo is doing great trying to keep it "real," because her lyrics resonate with common people who'll buy her shit.
i have been reading n. chomsky's "the common good" and he was just talking about how the people in power (small power tyrannies) would love to turn the U.S. into something like a third-world country, with a small elite w/all the power, and the rest of the people common w/no power. and how they try to tie capitalism & freedom together. also, they try to tie individualism and good together. making "group-think" look bad. interesting, because people need to learn how to care and "group-think" to rise up united against these small power tyrannies. so similar to the ICC. human nature doesn't change. and i saw the third-world in the philippines a month ago- wow, i can totally see it happening in nyc already, after mom & dad let me go with no support, no cushion. i appreciate it now. however, sometimes i think about how i can get more power from linking up w/elite people i know. this bothers me.
anyway, i brought up to steve the idea of tying the individual, and what's "real," with what's good. this is so the "american way" - i am not socialist, don't believe in group-think either - it's just so simplistic to moralize about either. how well we are being brainwashed.

(yes i know it's rambling and probably makes little sense... give me some time to digest it--)