me, inge, and 2 other girls (heidi maybe, and another inexperienced one) were on comedy central and had on white kits. the inexperienced girl didn't know anything, was confused... i knew when i should wear my kit and when i shouldn't. We went to a theater/locker room somewhere (locker room was upstairs), I was offstage taking off the kit when K walked on stage and started reading something I'd written about wanting to sell some stuff, to a crowd out in the audience. She began to criticize it onstage, saying I should have stated it more simply. It was written in a very complicated, overly formal way (like a bad med school essay).
Later K and I were at someone's house, preparing food in their kitchen. I asked her how I could change it to be simpler, and she started to say but I already knew and told her how I would. Then I asked her why she had to go and criticize me in front of a whole bunch of people like that.
---
I know now that I am exceptionally smart and talented, and furthermore am able to stand up for myself.
I think there's something also about image and the costume, that I know my true self and only put on the image when it's needed for less enlightened people, since i can't walk around with a harvard diploma all day.
Also I will stand up for myself, although I doubt myself initially -- but I overcome it and realize again, that I am talented, smart and can overcome others' criticisms and even learn from them. Whether the criticism is reasonable or not, I'll learn how realistic or unrealistic that person is.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
2 other dreams from the weekend.
1. C, an older premed friend who overcame a lot, had a party. He was being hounded by journalists, even helicopters. I asked him why. He said it may have to do with the fact he edited the stanford newspaper.
We were then in a basement, and he was having us all write an exercise. He told us to write down the question, and then we would write down the answer. The questions was, what activity do you do that inspires you? I asked him to repeat the question. Then I was going to write about triathlon, but decided to write about writing instead. I wrote: "Writing inspires me because it helps me sort out my thoughts." Then I began to elaborate. The others were still confused about the question itself and were still trying to write it down.
2. I was in a triathlon, which had a big party before it. L, my coworker and now boss, was in the race too. Right before the run, I sat down to read a book, very contemplatively, and got caught up in it so that I nearly forgot I was in a race. When I realized it, I began to run, with the book. I reached the finish line, and L came up right after me. She said, "You are so nice this time!" I honestly felt that I had been the same. She was just interpreting my behavior differently.
--------------
C is basically me, and what I want to achieve. What do I want? To perfect something. To be extremely good at something. But what I also want to do is to help people learn about and transform themselves through hearing about my experiences. That is my goal. It is what I'm good at doing.
I have learned a lot from triathlon. The most valuable thing? To slow down, and think. To not push all my activity to a rigid goal, but to be aware of the situation and be flexible; I will still reach my goal. That's what's different about how I am approaching medicine this time. Among other things, it has helped L to feel happier and less threatened by me, but it has already begun to improve my relationships in general. I had decided this weekend to make relationships a priority above everything else.
We were then in a basement, and he was having us all write an exercise. He told us to write down the question, and then we would write down the answer. The questions was, what activity do you do that inspires you? I asked him to repeat the question. Then I was going to write about triathlon, but decided to write about writing instead. I wrote: "Writing inspires me because it helps me sort out my thoughts." Then I began to elaborate. The others were still confused about the question itself and were still trying to write it down.
2. I was in a triathlon, which had a big party before it. L, my coworker and now boss, was in the race too. Right before the run, I sat down to read a book, very contemplatively, and got caught up in it so that I nearly forgot I was in a race. When I realized it, I began to run, with the book. I reached the finish line, and L came up right after me. She said, "You are so nice this time!" I honestly felt that I had been the same. She was just interpreting my behavior differently.
--------------
C is basically me, and what I want to achieve. What do I want? To perfect something. To be extremely good at something. But what I also want to do is to help people learn about and transform themselves through hearing about my experiences. That is my goal. It is what I'm good at doing.
I have learned a lot from triathlon. The most valuable thing? To slow down, and think. To not push all my activity to a rigid goal, but to be aware of the situation and be flexible; I will still reach my goal. That's what's different about how I am approaching medicine this time. Among other things, it has helped L to feel happier and less threatened by me, but it has already begun to improve my relationships in general. I had decided this weekend to make relationships a priority above everything else.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
tita cher and the pig fetuses
tita cherry had agreed to give us pig fetuses and some candles. we had paid her; they were passed down to us from an altar. but there were hungry tigers in the congregation, and they chewed the fetuses up on the way, although the candles were okay. i was upset about the chewed up pig fetuses and confronted her. I asked her, what would YOU expect if you paid $100 for something. she smiled helplessly and shrugged her shoulders as she usually does when she thinks i'm totally wrong but she can't persuade me.
---
tita cher is herself, with all the promises that medicine would meet my needs, assuming mine are the same as the family's -- but mine are not. they are ego needs, vs. the economic needs of my family who were raised in the philippines. she thinks i should do med school in the philippines to save money. good point, as i hate debt, but what am i giving up if get into school here but decide to go to ph anyway?
earlier as part of the seven stories exercise, i'd written how proud i was to enjoy the dissection of pig fetuses in bio. the pig fetuses represent my goals to do surgery; the wolves are my tita cherry's perspective, and perhaps my own realism, attempting to destroy in my dreams which i have begun to invest in. That investment includes my own opening up to tita cher.
---
tita cher is herself, with all the promises that medicine would meet my needs, assuming mine are the same as the family's -- but mine are not. they are ego needs, vs. the economic needs of my family who were raised in the philippines. she thinks i should do med school in the philippines to save money. good point, as i hate debt, but what am i giving up if get into school here but decide to go to ph anyway?
earlier as part of the seven stories exercise, i'd written how proud i was to enjoy the dissection of pig fetuses in bio. the pig fetuses represent my goals to do surgery; the wolves are my tita cherry's perspective, and perhaps my own realism, attempting to destroy in my dreams which i have begun to invest in. That investment includes my own opening up to tita cher.