most confusing dream ever

i felt silly explaining this one to dave in the morning.
hanging out with christian who was cool, complaining about stupid christian bullshit
first at an outdoor event, then it was a wedding. charlotte from sex and the city was the bride. christian complained about how stupid weddings are, too much money and stress, etc. charlotte agreed with the stress. i gave her a massage.
then i was in the ocean. on a cruise. i am swimming in the ocean next to the ship. it abandons us. the scene changes again, but i am swimming with other people. the ship abandons us once more. i can see me and the other person, figuring out what we should do, as we float out there in the middle of the ocean.
then it's amber's wedding. she's wearing a brown cardigan and a bridal veil. we make fun of the wedding some more, dancing on tables and stuff.
the christian and i are now in nyc, it's right after 9/11 or some disaster and people are walking in single file to the train because of whatever dangerous situation that had been created. we pass a lot of people to get to the subway entrance.

anniversary dreams

our one-year commitment anniversary was this weekend. i've been helping dave with getting a job, and also seeing dr. r again. i read an article about a girl with eating disorders and an object relations analysis of her case for bobby's class. it was very enlightening to think about how the mother and father, and their troubled relationship, worked to create conflict and anxiety in the girl.

dream 1.
i was driving in a car along the subway lines in queens with dave in the back and someone else in the front. we were trying to reach marie, dave's boss, to tell her something. (dave also dreamt he was telling marie about what she's really like, how annoying and controlling she is.) there was an earlier dream but i forgot what it was.

dream 2.
i had a boyfriend who i really liked, but was kind of young. he had an older brother who looked exactly like him who kept hitting on me. because they looked so much alike it almost felt like it might make no difference if i went for him instead. the difference between the was my boyfriend was sort of wimpy and young. but i was definitely not going for the older guy. then it turned out the boyfriend was a scientologist. i went to a meeting with him and everyone started fellowshipping afterwards. the boyfriend had no idea how annoyed i was, espcially about waiting for him so we could go home.

i went downstairs and on the way tried to call dave, but i got the wrong Dave, who aske me if I would describe myself so he could figure out who i was. i just hung up on him and i went through my cell address book to try and call the real dave. the call didn't happen. so when i got downstairs, i started gathering leftover desserts and surreptitiously giving away all these books they gave me. he finally came down, and it was hinted he would reach the upper levels already, called the "life cycles." all these icoc people were there who were also scientologists and they were ooh aahing when this senior person told the boyfriend that "one day" he would be in the life cycles.

then i saw this guy from my job who i really like, but he had MS and was walking around in crutches looking gangly and horrible. i gave him a big hug, and when he went somewhere else to hug people i cried and sobbed. meanwhile the boyfriend was still clueless about what i had seen and tried to comfort me. i was so MAD that he was a scientologist, and was relieved to see my real boyfriend dave, the atheist, waking me up. i told him i was so HAPPY he wasn't a scientologist !!

recurring attack in dream

my social anxiety disorder ... dave and i were at a dinner last night where i felt like i looked shy and dumb. he said i see myself wrong, that i sound brilliant and ask wonderful questions and listen well also. it's our anniversary today. :)

FBI or Charlie manson-like followers surround our house (the one on barnwood). The back door is open, the garage door is open, and I'm trying to close both. I also try to dial 911 but it doesnt work.
This time, mom's in the kitchen and I ask her to close the backdoor and garage. I see people through the back windows. She's making food and doesn't believe me. I do try to do it all myself. The garage door is closing but people are able to get underneath. I realize in the dream that I don't have any weapons, so I go back into the dream with machine guns. But all I can do is shoot around them, I can't shoot them except maybe to hit someone's arm or foot.

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I was working for an elementary school as some type of teacher/administrator, and I had a rebellious brother who I had to give a job. He had a huge monstrous fire-power type car that he parked outside the school. So his job was to watch these two girls after school. I asked the girls to tell me if he is ever inappropriate or weird. Sure enough, they tell me he spoke sexually with them. So I tried to find a private room for us to talk about and document the incident, but there were classes, teachers' lounges, etc. only filled with people, no empty rooms. Finally we did find a room and then I woke up.

sadness

dave realized he has an issue with alcohol. at my karaoke birthday thing he did awful things that he doesn't even remember. mom could sense there was something wrong but i couldn't tell her.
dave's issues remind me of ted - the manic episodes triggered by alcohol and substances.

dream
i was living with the family in a pretty white house in a neighborhood where homes are close together. it was night and i was sneaking into the house through the back with my key. i got into the house and was headed upstairs to my bedroom when ted started blasting music on the ground floor. i got into my bedroom, and mom came by sensing i was worried. she asked me if it was about american idol. of course it was not - it was about dave, but i didn't tell her.

promotion

this week i told dr r about work. my boss got a huge promotion and i probably will too. and i said how it increases my fears that i feel like i do dorky things without realizing i do. i'm constantly trying to figure out how i "really" look like to people because i know my own self-image is not accurate. she said this kind of thinking is common among people abused as children, and it's another form of self-attack.

dream #1 from yesterday
dave comes over. i am happy to see him, and we eat dinner. i am in the kitchen and start eating while he's in my bedroom, far at the other end of the apartment. i realize he's far, and he comes over to see me in the kitchen. for some reason it is hard for us try to get together and eat in the same spot in the apt. i miss him. --i then woke up and im'ed asking for him to come over.--

dream #2
a friend shows us their house. it has an extensive set of rooms in the basement apartments, which have been rented out to 2 people. to get to the stairs leading down, we have to climb over a column at the back wall of a ground level room. i remember wondering why it was so hard to walk into.

dream #3
i have been hanging out at a party with some jock kids and got along with them. later i was outside. as i approached a volleyball game they were playing, the head of the jocks asked me to come and play in a friendly way. i called her a bitch and refused angrily. they were all surprised and thought i was totally weird. i walked away. on my way home i had to walk through several rooms in a building under construction. i was barefoot, and the ground was wet. thought i saw broken glass. i walked through anyway, and didn't think i'd have any problems. when i got home, my feet were wet and had huge pores in them. at first it looked like there was no glass in my foot, but then i saw tiny shiny pieces of glass sticking out. when i pulled at them, a giant piece of glass came out. there were about 6 pieces that i pulled out. it felt good.

dream #4
i was with hernan in paris, don't remember what happened but it felt like old times.

getting ahead

trying to figure out work politics lately. getting my mind to think in terms of working with "my teams." it's shaping how i approach people and how i prioritize my workload... skills for the future and my film. i still feel inept even when people tell me i'm brilliant. etc.

i was running a foot race in a city. i had the ability to leap forward (crouching tiger stuff). there were rumors that a man was ahead of everyone else. i realized that it was actually me. we got to a pole we were supposed to hit (instead of a ribbon). i struggled against #2 to put my hand there first. the other girl, who looked like bridgette, put her hands on top of mine. so there was a bit of a debate.

we had a victory banquet. the food was incredible. calamari, oysters, etc. but i didn't feel like i was being handed the whole victory.

i tried to leave through a one-person wide stairway. i could get past most people though it was difficult. then this fat asian chick came along and had an attitude that i was trying to pass by.

commitment

we hang out every single day; he took care of me while i was sick this whole week. "i'm taking care of you today," he said. yesterday he bought me this cute toy pug !!! he mentions marriage sometimes, often while drunk, and gradually while sober... i feel such split feelings over marriage in general. but i woke up early at 5AM one morning last week. it dawned on me that i could totally marry him, that i totally felt he was my soul mate. but i always waver. i guess that's normal. it needs to stand the test of time.
his cousin gerald, who i knew as my neighbor a few years ago, "re-met" me as dave's girl and he called dave to say that we looked really good together! that i seem really comfortable with dave. that i looked beautiful. he called just to say that. dave thought that was so sweet. so did i.
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(dave's only symbolically in this dream)
we were promoting the new world trade center, which was to be two sky-high building connected by a bridge. the women and men were to get people to this party. it felt very icoc but i kept getting reassured that it had nothing to do with it. steve johnson was there, though.
the women decided to start by making a list of all the girls they knew whose name started with an "M." the guys started with the guys they knew from "A" to somewhere in the middle of the alphabet. they had a lot more people, and they gathered on some flat plot of ground near the construction site at the corner of "D" street. i was still confused about the purpose of all this. was it for a party to set off the opening, or what? the guys started what looked like a devo on the D street spot. (nowhere in nyc is there a D street, only in washington...)
then there were some arguments b/w architects over the structure of the building, because it's original plans were altered.