prodigy
13-year-old twice nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize graduates from college with Cum Laude.
Monday, April 21, 2003
Thursday, April 17, 2003
the hippie side of my family
i see two polarities increasing in my extended family, mwah hah haaah... liberals taking over.
my cousin makes journals. she has a site where she sells them. they're beautiful. not only that, she has a "journaling tips" section for those of us more hesistant about reflection.
i see two polarities increasing in my extended family, mwah hah haaah... liberals taking over.
my cousin makes journals. she has a site where she sells them. they're beautiful. not only that, she has a "journaling tips" section for those of us more hesistant about reflection.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
family
they're all coming up this weekend... and not for easter, but because of random "coincidences" that came together this weekend: my cousin for her friend's "baptism," my brother for his birthday (girlfriend got him plane tickets), mom & dad to see my bro and me for his 26th birthday, because dad happens to be in DC this month. i was just thinking last month, why does my family have to be so far away? sometimes i get jealous that some people have their families here, though i know others are jealous that mine are so far. har har. well i'm grateful.
psychic shit
i have some psychic phenomena happening lately... starting with last summer. i had an older cousins who took care of me with his wife when i was little. i hadn't thought of them in years, but in june i had a dream about them visiting me in nyc, with their new baby. they have never been able to have a baby. the very next morning, my dad emailed me to ask if i could come down to dc to be the godmother for my cousins' new baby... who was adopted that week!!
that whole summer, when i went driving, i knew when cops were going to come over the road, and somehow "knew" who was calling me even without caller ID. and a few weeks ago i dreamt that a friend (who i hadn't seen in a while) was really angry at some guys we knew. when i told her about it, she said, "HOW did you know??!" finally, i wrote bobby & j about my "emergency" info - parents' info, etc... and bobby wrote me back, "GET out of my life and mind. I was think of this right before bed last night. I was thinking also to e-mail my parents and siblings information about friends here so if something should happen they have a NYC person to be in contact with. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
wierd.
screenwriting
simone, bobby and i saw better luck tomorrow, an asian-american teen suspense film that opened this weekend. for some reason we all had such strong reactions to it. it's set in Orange County (LA), where bobby & simone grew up. simone and bobby were really hardworking asian-american high schoolers too. bobby's email: "But I was thinking about all those kids who were working so hard, and will continue to work hard, and then end up like us, people with busy lives!!! Gosh, where were the "warning sign" that life would be this busy and complicated"?? that's true!! also poor bobby has been really stressed out... but it also inspired me and simone, who went to tisch film school and became a lawyer because she wants to be able to care for her family. her friends from film school even sat her down and said, you are TALENTED, what the hell are you doing in law school?? so we decided to go out and feed ourselves creatively every week--an art gallery this week, taking pictures next weekend. it's so easy to get stuck, but you just got to do one little thing at a time. you never know where it can lead.
i've started writing ideas for a script on my private blog. my idea is staying private. but i'll tell you about j's -- j thought this would make a good a movie: the stories of four different jazz musicians in present day nyc and the shit they go through on an every day level. club managers, gigs, relationships, etc. after hanging out w/j my jazz musician honey for the past year and a half, i've found the whole culture to be really interesting. what strikes me most is how they are like a brotherhood. these guys all know each other. and, it's mostly guys. my first time at smalls, on jason's monday nights there, i remember being struck at the fountain of youth in jazz.. many of them are over 30 but don't look a day over 20. or even 15. jason's band looks like the band guys from high school, except... they're damn good!! it's funny !! the casualness in their performances, compared to classical, even rock music, is unique too. j will walk around, have a smoke, have a conversation, in the middle of his sets. i should have written down my first impressions last year (maybe i did somewhere...) when they happened, because a lot of it i take for granted now.
further thoughts on money
most new yorkers are liberal. why is that? because we see so much CRAP every day and we put up with so much CRAP with everything from noise pollution to annoying fake street bums to annoying bureaucratic assclowns. shit, social problems are real to me every single fucking day, not just some theoretical thing that i read about in suburbia from the local newspaper. i will pay money if i believe it will alleviate some of these problems i see! i get so pissed arguing with some of the military conservatives on the icc df that i won't talk to them about it anymore. call me naive but that's my world view, fucker.
another thing my coworker and i were talking about: the lame stance some people take with politics, "i'm socially liberal, fiscally conservative." in other words, "I just want what i want, but i like to sound like i give a damn about people." i prefer an outright, "rich should rule the country because we own it" POV over that lukewarm shit any day.
god can i get anymore pissed off today? maybe it's what i ate for lunch... ha ha. not. by the way, there's howard zinn updated PHOUS and included a chapter on Bush W and the "war on terrorism." saw it at barnes & noble today. i already have PHOUS and the 20th c. revise. would someone photocopy the chapter and send it to me? i would be so grateful.
piano
i gotta practice ... my roommate's out of town.
they're all coming up this weekend... and not for easter, but because of random "coincidences" that came together this weekend: my cousin for her friend's "baptism," my brother for his birthday (girlfriend got him plane tickets), mom & dad to see my bro and me for his 26th birthday, because dad happens to be in DC this month. i was just thinking last month, why does my family have to be so far away? sometimes i get jealous that some people have their families here, though i know others are jealous that mine are so far. har har. well i'm grateful.
psychic shit
i have some psychic phenomena happening lately... starting with last summer. i had an older cousins who took care of me with his wife when i was little. i hadn't thought of them in years, but in june i had a dream about them visiting me in nyc, with their new baby. they have never been able to have a baby. the very next morning, my dad emailed me to ask if i could come down to dc to be the godmother for my cousins' new baby... who was adopted that week!!
that whole summer, when i went driving, i knew when cops were going to come over the road, and somehow "knew" who was calling me even without caller ID. and a few weeks ago i dreamt that a friend (who i hadn't seen in a while) was really angry at some guys we knew. when i told her about it, she said, "HOW did you know??!" finally, i wrote bobby & j about my "emergency" info - parents' info, etc... and bobby wrote me back, "GET out of my life and mind. I was think of this right before bed last night. I was thinking also to e-mail my parents and siblings information about friends here so if something should happen they have a NYC person to be in contact with. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
wierd.
screenwriting
simone, bobby and i saw better luck tomorrow, an asian-american teen suspense film that opened this weekend. for some reason we all had such strong reactions to it. it's set in Orange County (LA), where bobby & simone grew up. simone and bobby were really hardworking asian-american high schoolers too. bobby's email: "But I was thinking about all those kids who were working so hard, and will continue to work hard, and then end up like us, people with busy lives!!! Gosh, where were the "warning sign" that life would be this busy and complicated"?? that's true!! also poor bobby has been really stressed out... but it also inspired me and simone, who went to tisch film school and became a lawyer because she wants to be able to care for her family. her friends from film school even sat her down and said, you are TALENTED, what the hell are you doing in law school?? so we decided to go out and feed ourselves creatively every week--an art gallery this week, taking pictures next weekend. it's so easy to get stuck, but you just got to do one little thing at a time. you never know where it can lead.
i've started writing ideas for a script on my private blog. my idea is staying private. but i'll tell you about j's -- j thought this would make a good a movie: the stories of four different jazz musicians in present day nyc and the shit they go through on an every day level. club managers, gigs, relationships, etc. after hanging out w/j my jazz musician honey for the past year and a half, i've found the whole culture to be really interesting. what strikes me most is how they are like a brotherhood. these guys all know each other. and, it's mostly guys. my first time at smalls, on jason's monday nights there, i remember being struck at the fountain of youth in jazz.. many of them are over 30 but don't look a day over 20. or even 15. jason's band looks like the band guys from high school, except... they're damn good!! it's funny !! the casualness in their performances, compared to classical, even rock music, is unique too. j will walk around, have a smoke, have a conversation, in the middle of his sets. i should have written down my first impressions last year (maybe i did somewhere...) when they happened, because a lot of it i take for granted now.
further thoughts on money
most new yorkers are liberal. why is that? because we see so much CRAP every day and we put up with so much CRAP with everything from noise pollution to annoying fake street bums to annoying bureaucratic assclowns. shit, social problems are real to me every single fucking day, not just some theoretical thing that i read about in suburbia from the local newspaper. i will pay money if i believe it will alleviate some of these problems i see! i get so pissed arguing with some of the military conservatives on the icc df that i won't talk to them about it anymore. call me naive but that's my world view, fucker.
another thing my coworker and i were talking about: the lame stance some people take with politics, "i'm socially liberal, fiscally conservative." in other words, "I just want what i want, but i like to sound like i give a damn about people." i prefer an outright, "rich should rule the country because we own it" POV over that lukewarm shit any day.
god can i get anymore pissed off today? maybe it's what i ate for lunch... ha ha. not. by the way, there's howard zinn updated PHOUS and included a chapter on Bush W and the "war on terrorism." saw it at barnes & noble today. i already have PHOUS and the 20th c. revise. would someone photocopy the chapter and send it to me? i would be so grateful.
piano
i gotta practice ... my roommate's out of town.
Friday, April 11, 2003
Thursday, April 10, 2003
spies...!
WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE HERE visiting here from .mil, .gov sites?! see my extreme tracker (small box at the bottom left corner of the screen). people, your tax dollars at work.
back to my happy little life -- howard zinn, views on money and life
reading howard zinn, skipped to the 20th century book which is really the People's History of the United States but with only twentieth century history, plus old man bush & clinton. i demanded that my other liberal work friend get this book. i've been reading on the labor unions, socialist ideals, the people who died, the criminal tactics some union leaders promoted, the grass roots organization, the corruption of "mis"-leaders, the inspiration of the earnest leaders, the ideals, the sacrifice. it reminds me of the icc in some ways. these people were willing to go for broke. i think most people would be in desperate circumstances. it makes you get spiritual. it's depressing to read about the militia and the government attacking these people. the desperation to protect your comfort zone at the cost of others' lives -- shocking. all based on the perception that one's life will be ruined without the huge amounts of money one commands. maybe i'm being overly simplistic, but doesn't it all come down to this? j says that the leaders who manipulated the race issue with the working class will do anything to survive, that their manipulation is not necessarily conscious. i would add that people will do anything to stay comfortable. people are afraid that if they aren't, the suburban myth will kick in: you'll be homeless! you'll starve!! you'll be in the streets!! oh please.
despite the idealistic and naive attempts to point to our forefather's constitution, we don't have a democracy. rather, an "idea" of democracy is perpetrated and used to manipulate us to follow our wealthy leaders' agendas. i would agree that to a certain extent, our very knowledge allows us to continually strive for and exercise true democracy, as the many social movements of the past have shown. j's question last night: how do you have democracy without greed? well i would rephrase the question: how do you have democracy for the greedy? not judging between people -- we all are greedy, which is why power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. unless you are aware and ready for it. which is where spirituality come in. [4/17 a correction: j said he meant to ask, "how do you have democracy with capitalism?" well that's really not a different question, IMO, but of course he really wanted to make that clear. OK!]
the tiring and unspiritual pursuit of material wealth and people's obsession with money drives people mad. when i was living with a lot of money a lot of things about life were miserable. i felt weak and powerless and saw my family suffer from the burden of debts, taxes, people stealing your money, suing you for money, the superficial social circles, the cold, self-obsessed meanness of the people hovering around you who also had money or wanted some. the only good thing is its power to comfort and distract yourself. but you don't need that much to have that, at least not in this country. and that power is based on your standard of comfort, which can always be adjusted (sure was when i had "noooo monnney!" (as char puts it) ), and your level of inspiration. however, it takes money to have hobbies... i like being able to pay for knitting needles and music/dance lessons... if i had the same amount money that allows me to do these things for the rest of my life, i'll stay happy. ah, the spiritual conflict, the body yearns for comfort! i remember when i was living all ghetto in the church, but i was fine with it because i was doing it for something i believe in.
i have always equated money with unhappiness... i suppose that's why it's hard for me to get motivated to make a lot of it. i hate being poor too, don't get me wrong--debt sucks even more when you're poor. at least when you're rich, you have a house to sit in even if you owe tons of it. when you're renting you can get kicked to the curb. good thing nyc has strong tenant laws, though these seem to be disappearing one by one like everything else.
WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE HERE visiting here from .mil, .gov sites?! see my extreme tracker (small box at the bottom left corner of the screen). people, your tax dollars at work.
back to my happy little life -- howard zinn, views on money and life
reading howard zinn, skipped to the 20th century book which is really the People's History of the United States but with only twentieth century history, plus old man bush & clinton. i demanded that my other liberal work friend get this book. i've been reading on the labor unions, socialist ideals, the people who died, the criminal tactics some union leaders promoted, the grass roots organization, the corruption of "mis"-leaders, the inspiration of the earnest leaders, the ideals, the sacrifice. it reminds me of the icc in some ways. these people were willing to go for broke. i think most people would be in desperate circumstances. it makes you get spiritual. it's depressing to read about the militia and the government attacking these people. the desperation to protect your comfort zone at the cost of others' lives -- shocking. all based on the perception that one's life will be ruined without the huge amounts of money one commands. maybe i'm being overly simplistic, but doesn't it all come down to this? j says that the leaders who manipulated the race issue with the working class will do anything to survive, that their manipulation is not necessarily conscious. i would add that people will do anything to stay comfortable. people are afraid that if they aren't, the suburban myth will kick in: you'll be homeless! you'll starve!! you'll be in the streets!! oh please.
despite the idealistic and naive attempts to point to our forefather's constitution, we don't have a democracy. rather, an "idea" of democracy is perpetrated and used to manipulate us to follow our wealthy leaders' agendas. i would agree that to a certain extent, our very knowledge allows us to continually strive for and exercise true democracy, as the many social movements of the past have shown. j's question last night: how do you have democracy without greed? well i would rephrase the question: how do you have democracy for the greedy? not judging between people -- we all are greedy, which is why power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. unless you are aware and ready for it. which is where spirituality come in. [4/17 a correction: j said he meant to ask, "how do you have democracy with capitalism?" well that's really not a different question, IMO, but of course he really wanted to make that clear. OK!]
the tiring and unspiritual pursuit of material wealth and people's obsession with money drives people mad. when i was living with a lot of money a lot of things about life were miserable. i felt weak and powerless and saw my family suffer from the burden of debts, taxes, people stealing your money, suing you for money, the superficial social circles, the cold, self-obsessed meanness of the people hovering around you who also had money or wanted some. the only good thing is its power to comfort and distract yourself. but you don't need that much to have that, at least not in this country. and that power is based on your standard of comfort, which can always be adjusted (sure was when i had "noooo monnney!" (as char puts it) ), and your level of inspiration. however, it takes money to have hobbies... i like being able to pay for knitting needles and music/dance lessons... if i had the same amount money that allows me to do these things for the rest of my life, i'll stay happy. ah, the spiritual conflict, the body yearns for comfort! i remember when i was living all ghetto in the church, but i was fine with it because i was doing it for something i believe in.
i have always equated money with unhappiness... i suppose that's why it's hard for me to get motivated to make a lot of it. i hate being poor too, don't get me wrong--debt sucks even more when you're poor. at least when you're rich, you have a house to sit in even if you owe tons of it. when you're renting you can get kicked to the curb. good thing nyc has strong tenant laws, though these seem to be disappearing one by one like everything else.
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
i showed dinah the sweater i made. i've been getting a lot of compliments on it. that's because i totally hate all the traditional ugly sweater people make, although there's definitely a knitting trend that's transcending them. i found this great site for MAKE workshop, a knitting school here in nyc, that had a sweater i liked. i created my pattern based on the pic but without sleeves, in olive green merino wool. it looks sexy on me, if i do say so myself. which i'm siked about because i thought it'd be too small, or stretch too far.
dinah, my business inspiration (along with matt in boston) said i should design petite line of knits. i've already been playing with the idea of creating accessories. the thing is, it's a hobby to me and the idea of producing all the time is a cost i have to think about. and i know what production is like after working for cosmetics and advertising. pain in the ass! but i'm still open to the idea, especially as it would give me a chance to develop some business skills. i know a great little market on mulberry that was operating last year out of a church -- i'd like to sell my wares that way, or even do a weekend vendor thing. not sure what that involves though, and i know you have to apply for a license. it's interesting to me that the IRS allows you to claim "hobby" deductions, which makes sense if you make a "hobby income." i think that's where i'd fall, because i would certainly not want to make a living out of this--way too stressful.
j and i have been doing great. we were falling into a routine and decided to change it (caused some drama, at first i was like "I'M BORED") he thought i wanted to break up. i did too, then realized it was just over something that could be changed easily. i realized that every time we hang, i'm tired!! and that really makes me frustrated, having to hang when i'm tired. so we decided to hang on afternoons instead, and with the smoking ban lifted and my work schedule starting at 10 am, i'm finding my energy to be up more often. it changed our dynamic SO much!
j and i talked about our roles in each others' lives down at cafe figaro (we were out at 2AM, on MY request--I wasn't tired!). my role for him, he said, was that I showed him how to have real intimacy. his role for me -- i said, "you make me do what is unnatural!" in a good way. i would never eat well or exercise, or take breaks in my workaholic day, if it weren't for his gentle suggestions... LOL. he also takes care of me, i said that really his role is as someone who takes care of me but is also my partner - most people i've been with have been less or more mature than me, with no balanced dynamic. also j and are alternately extroverted or introverted with people, so there no one person who's loud or quiet. both of us are... well, both.
i love him, my honey j. he's the guy that i thought about in my head, the one i hadn't met yet and hoped existed, and finally did. i'm so lucky.
one more drama -- damn taxes. trying to figure out if it's worth it to pay an accountant. again, it's not. i thought i could contribute prior year charity contributions but you have to have given more than 50% AGI (for church contrib). i was about to go on this trek to find my old check numbers, call the bank to see if they have an archive and have them send copies to me. good thing i figured it out before going to all that trouble. i hate paying taxes, though i don't mind paying a certain amount as a citizen. but if i am paying, i should have more say in our government who's bringing our world down a scary path. i'm even thinking of not having a kid, because the world is feeling more lost every day. and then all these out-of-touch social subtle expectaions (demands) from the fam about getting married, becoming a doctor, having kids because i'm nearing "that age." fuck that. the world where i'm coming of age is not the same world where they came of age. it's time to rethink, reconfigure.
while doing my taxes, i am struck at how many deductions go towards business-related things, even deducting a home computer used partially for investment. i remember when "capitalism" was only some big word to me in history class. a MUST READ: Howard Zinn's The People's History of The United States. read the Amazon reviews too. admittedly leftist and skewed to the perspective of "the common people" but this book rings so true to my own experiences and makes complete and total sense. i suppose it also reinforces my cynical view of human nature, as well.
more knit obsession links:
RedLipstick Boutique, Brooklyn: Incredibly inspiring designs. Oh my god, and I'm not the only one. She has a blog.
I also got help on my sweater pattern from girl from auntie.
Other good ones: get crafty, readymade mag, and (love the title): not martha
Also this girl has good links. I started out my search here when I was looking for non-traditional (read: ugly) patterns.
I like this guy's philosophy: "Ranjit's ambition is to dabble in every existing form of art and craft at least once."
dinah, my business inspiration (along with matt in boston) said i should design petite line of knits. i've already been playing with the idea of creating accessories. the thing is, it's a hobby to me and the idea of producing all the time is a cost i have to think about. and i know what production is like after working for cosmetics and advertising. pain in the ass! but i'm still open to the idea, especially as it would give me a chance to develop some business skills. i know a great little market on mulberry that was operating last year out of a church -- i'd like to sell my wares that way, or even do a weekend vendor thing. not sure what that involves though, and i know you have to apply for a license. it's interesting to me that the IRS allows you to claim "hobby" deductions, which makes sense if you make a "hobby income." i think that's where i'd fall, because i would certainly not want to make a living out of this--way too stressful.
j and i have been doing great. we were falling into a routine and decided to change it (caused some drama, at first i was like "I'M BORED") he thought i wanted to break up. i did too, then realized it was just over something that could be changed easily. i realized that every time we hang, i'm tired!! and that really makes me frustrated, having to hang when i'm tired. so we decided to hang on afternoons instead, and with the smoking ban lifted and my work schedule starting at 10 am, i'm finding my energy to be up more often. it changed our dynamic SO much!
j and i talked about our roles in each others' lives down at cafe figaro (we were out at 2AM, on MY request--I wasn't tired!). my role for him, he said, was that I showed him how to have real intimacy. his role for me -- i said, "you make me do what is unnatural!" in a good way. i would never eat well or exercise, or take breaks in my workaholic day, if it weren't for his gentle suggestions... LOL. he also takes care of me, i said that really his role is as someone who takes care of me but is also my partner - most people i've been with have been less or more mature than me, with no balanced dynamic. also j and are alternately extroverted or introverted with people, so there no one person who's loud or quiet. both of us are... well, both.
i love him, my honey j. he's the guy that i thought about in my head, the one i hadn't met yet and hoped existed, and finally did. i'm so lucky.
one more drama -- damn taxes. trying to figure out if it's worth it to pay an accountant. again, it's not. i thought i could contribute prior year charity contributions but you have to have given more than 50% AGI (for church contrib). i was about to go on this trek to find my old check numbers, call the bank to see if they have an archive and have them send copies to me. good thing i figured it out before going to all that trouble. i hate paying taxes, though i don't mind paying a certain amount as a citizen. but if i am paying, i should have more say in our government who's bringing our world down a scary path. i'm even thinking of not having a kid, because the world is feeling more lost every day. and then all these out-of-touch social subtle expectaions (demands) from the fam about getting married, becoming a doctor, having kids because i'm nearing "that age." fuck that. the world where i'm coming of age is not the same world where they came of age. it's time to rethink, reconfigure.
while doing my taxes, i am struck at how many deductions go towards business-related things, even deducting a home computer used partially for investment. i remember when "capitalism" was only some big word to me in history class. a MUST READ: Howard Zinn's The People's History of The United States. read the Amazon reviews too. admittedly leftist and skewed to the perspective of "the common people" but this book rings so true to my own experiences and makes complete and total sense. i suppose it also reinforces my cynical view of human nature, as well.
more knit obsession links:
RedLipstick Boutique, Brooklyn: Incredibly inspiring designs. Oh my god, and I'm not the only one. She has a blog.
I also got help on my sweater pattern from girl from auntie.
Other good ones: get crafty, readymade mag, and (love the title): not martha
Also this girl has good links. I started out my search here when I was looking for non-traditional (read: ugly) patterns.
I like this guy's philosophy: "Ranjit's ambition is to dabble in every existing form of art and craft at least once."
Monday, April 07, 2003
bobby: american and asian-american brainwashing
we were talking until 2:45 AM last night. we've agreed that people often succumb to the pressure put on people to get married and start a family, when they are not ready. i love the story of the feminist leader who refused to get married, then found the love of her life at 83 and could not help but get married. it was on her terms. i want to have that kind of strength. the same goes with my career and self-confidence in my decisions. the asian-american family pressure is all about guilt. "why do you make your family sad?" because you're refusing to go to medical school or not married to a rich husband yet. let's deconstruct that. is it really sadness? and is it really the WHOLE family? please. don't exaggerate. and why must it be about ME changing? the fact is (and how often our emotions ignore facts) -- it's the FAMILY that needs to change and get over it.
American families are happy with their kid getting a BA and a masters, why is it never enough for Asian families?
for me it's, "you're the smartest kid in the family, you went to columbia and harvard, why won't you go to medical school?" as a little kid i dreamed of helping people as a doctor. i was always good at math and science. but my aunt's continuing pressure for me to "make money," telling me i need at least "6 figures" to live -- turned me off to the whole career because now, in my mind, it's just about money. i have never been the kind of person to care about that -- no, i've been the type who hates money because of the obsessiveness, the superficiality of people who are consumed by making it.
i remember growing up in this incredibly wealthy area and being so lonely and yearning for something "more." my journey to understand the spiritual plane of life, which is so unexamined in our society, has been intense and frustrated alternately throughout my life. j and i had a great discussion on spiritual things and certain truths because of the things he's been reading. it made me realize that seeing others, and my own, lack of a spiritual perspective has a lot to do with my anxiety about my career path, anger at the church and its corruption, anger the war and the American government's obsession to dominate the world. these things will never lead to happiness. and finally the paradigm shift -- my own impatience and cynicism must meet god's surgical knife too (i don't believe in christianity on its own, but the analogy serves my point well, i think).
mono(tonous)gamy? and the urban tribe
back to my conversation with bobby: another thing we talked about is how hard long-term relationships are, and monogamy. after six months many people will ask themselves, is this the person i want to be with for the "REST" of my life? but why do we always have to project into the future? we could die tomorrow. even if not, it's working now so why freak out about the future? it will become obvious in time anyway, unless you are crazy or in denial or whatever.
bobby and i always have the same things going on in our relationships at the same time. i asked him last night, "i wonder what we're going to go through together in our next life!" joking - but he is my soulmate. it's great to have a soulmate who's not your lover, but best friend. big brother. confidante. i am so lucky to have him in my life. especially with that big confident self-esteem of his - i've learned so much from his confidence and maturity. thank you god for bobby.
mom is not going to Manila
...because of SARS. thank god for this too. i really hope i don't get SARS and die. i guess, though, you cannot escape fate. nyc has 7 "possible" cases. then there's my co-worker who was quarantined, but didn't have it. the incubation period is 3-7 days.
c'est la vie!
appendix: the urban tribe
"In My Tribe"
By ETHAN WATTERS
New York Times Sunday Magazine -- October 14, 2001
You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also had the unpleasant experience of discovering that you have been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in America -- the "never marrieds".
In less than 30 years, the number of never-marrieds has more than doubled, apparently pushing back the median age of marriage to the oldest it has been in our country's history -- about 25 years for women and 27 for men.
As if the connotation of "never married" weren't negative enough, the vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These statistics prove a "titanic loss of family values," according to The Washington Times. An article in Time magazine asked whether "picky" women were "denying themselves and society the benefits of marriage" and in the process kicking off "an outbreak of 'Sex and the City' promiscuity." In a study on marriage conducted at Rutgers University, researchers say the "social glue" of the family is at stake, adding ominously that "crime rates....are highly correlated with a large percentage of unmarried young males."
Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I assumed was a brief transition period between college and marriage. The problem was, I wasn't just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of the Rutgers researchers, I was "soul-mate searching." Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too, agree with the statement "When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost." This über-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 survey, fully three out of four college women said they'd marry a man they didn't love if he fit their criteria in every other way. I discovered along with my friends that finding that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came and went, as did jobs and apartments. The constant in my life -- by default, not by plan --became a loose group of friends. After a few years, that group's membership and routines began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, moved one another's furniture, painted one another's apartments, cheered one another on at
sporting events and open-mike nights.
One day I discovered that the transition period I thought I was living wasn't a transition period at all. Something real and important had grown there. I belonged to an urban tribe. I use the word "tribe" quite literally here: this is a tight group, with unspoken roles and hierarchies, whose members think of each other as "us" and the rest of the world as "them." This bond is clearest in times of trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent terrorist strikes), my instinct to huddle with and protect my group is no different from what I'd feel for my family.
Once I identified this in my own life, I began to see tribes everywhere I looked: a house of ex-sorority women in Philadelphia, a team of ultimate-frisbee players in Boston and groups of musicians in Austin, Tex. Cities, I've come to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where fragile individuals with arrested development mope around self-indulgently searching for true love. There are rich landscapes filled with urban tribes.
So what does it mean that we've quietly added the tribe years as a developmental stage to adulthood? Because our friends in the tribe hold us responsible for our actions, I doubt it will mean a wild swing toward promiscuity or crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss of "family values." It is a fresh statement of them.
It is true, though, that marriage and the tribe are at odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully tell you, loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc on romantic relationships. Not surprisingly, marriage usually signals the beginning of the end of tribal membership. From inside the group, marriage can seem like a risky gambit. When members of our tribe choose to get married, the rest of us talk about them with grave concern, as if they've joined a religion that requires them to live in a guarded compound.
But we also know that the urban tribe can't exist forever. Those of us who have entered our mid-30's find ourselves feeling vaguely as if we're living in the latter episodes of "Seinfeld" or "Friends," as if the plot lines of our lives have begun to wear thin.
So, although tribe membership may delay marriage, that is where most of us are still heading. And it turns out there may be some good news when we get there. Divorce rates have leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at Brigham Young University, says he believes he knows why. In a paper to be published next year, he argues that it is because people are getting married later.
Could it be that we who have been biding our time in happy tribes are now actually grown up enough to understand what we need in a mate? What a fantastic twist -- we "never marrieds" may end up revitalizing the very institution we've supposedly been undermining.
And there's another dynamic worth considering. Those of us who find it so hard to leave our tribes will not choose marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable next step in our lives, the way middle-class high-school kids choose college. When we go to the altar, we will be sacrificing something precious. In that sacrifice, we may begin to learn to treat our marriages with the reverence they need to survive.
we were talking until 2:45 AM last night. we've agreed that people often succumb to the pressure put on people to get married and start a family, when they are not ready. i love the story of the feminist leader who refused to get married, then found the love of her life at 83 and could not help but get married. it was on her terms. i want to have that kind of strength. the same goes with my career and self-confidence in my decisions. the asian-american family pressure is all about guilt. "why do you make your family sad?" because you're refusing to go to medical school or not married to a rich husband yet. let's deconstruct that. is it really sadness? and is it really the WHOLE family? please. don't exaggerate. and why must it be about ME changing? the fact is (and how often our emotions ignore facts) -- it's the FAMILY that needs to change and get over it.
American families are happy with their kid getting a BA and a masters, why is it never enough for Asian families?
for me it's, "you're the smartest kid in the family, you went to columbia and harvard, why won't you go to medical school?" as a little kid i dreamed of helping people as a doctor. i was always good at math and science. but my aunt's continuing pressure for me to "make money," telling me i need at least "6 figures" to live -- turned me off to the whole career because now, in my mind, it's just about money. i have never been the kind of person to care about that -- no, i've been the type who hates money because of the obsessiveness, the superficiality of people who are consumed by making it.
i remember growing up in this incredibly wealthy area and being so lonely and yearning for something "more." my journey to understand the spiritual plane of life, which is so unexamined in our society, has been intense and frustrated alternately throughout my life. j and i had a great discussion on spiritual things and certain truths because of the things he's been reading. it made me realize that seeing others, and my own, lack of a spiritual perspective has a lot to do with my anxiety about my career path, anger at the church and its corruption, anger the war and the American government's obsession to dominate the world. these things will never lead to happiness. and finally the paradigm shift -- my own impatience and cynicism must meet god's surgical knife too (i don't believe in christianity on its own, but the analogy serves my point well, i think).
mono(tonous)gamy? and the urban tribe
back to my conversation with bobby: another thing we talked about is how hard long-term relationships are, and monogamy. after six months many people will ask themselves, is this the person i want to be with for the "REST" of my life? but why do we always have to project into the future? we could die tomorrow. even if not, it's working now so why freak out about the future? it will become obvious in time anyway, unless you are crazy or in denial or whatever.
bobby and i always have the same things going on in our relationships at the same time. i asked him last night, "i wonder what we're going to go through together in our next life!" joking - but he is my soulmate. it's great to have a soulmate who's not your lover, but best friend. big brother. confidante. i am so lucky to have him in my life. especially with that big confident self-esteem of his - i've learned so much from his confidence and maturity. thank you god for bobby.
mom is not going to Manila
...because of SARS. thank god for this too. i really hope i don't get SARS and die. i guess, though, you cannot escape fate. nyc has 7 "possible" cases. then there's my co-worker who was quarantined, but didn't have it. the incubation period is 3-7 days.
c'est la vie!
appendix: the urban tribe
"In My Tribe"
By ETHAN WATTERS
New York Times Sunday Magazine -- October 14, 2001
You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also had the unpleasant experience of discovering that you have been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in America -- the "never marrieds".
In less than 30 years, the number of never-marrieds has more than doubled, apparently pushing back the median age of marriage to the oldest it has been in our country's history -- about 25 years for women and 27 for men.
As if the connotation of "never married" weren't negative enough, the vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These statistics prove a "titanic loss of family values," according to The Washington Times. An article in Time magazine asked whether "picky" women were "denying themselves and society the benefits of marriage" and in the process kicking off "an outbreak of 'Sex and the City' promiscuity." In a study on marriage conducted at Rutgers University, researchers say the "social glue" of the family is at stake, adding ominously that "crime rates....are highly correlated with a large percentage of unmarried young males."
Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I assumed was a brief transition period between college and marriage. The problem was, I wasn't just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of the Rutgers researchers, I was "soul-mate searching." Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too, agree with the statement "When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost." This über-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 survey, fully three out of four college women said they'd marry a man they didn't love if he fit their criteria in every other way. I discovered along with my friends that finding that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came and went, as did jobs and apartments. The constant in my life -- by default, not by plan --became a loose group of friends. After a few years, that group's membership and routines began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, moved one another's furniture, painted one another's apartments, cheered one another on at
sporting events and open-mike nights.
One day I discovered that the transition period I thought I was living wasn't a transition period at all. Something real and important had grown there. I belonged to an urban tribe. I use the word "tribe" quite literally here: this is a tight group, with unspoken roles and hierarchies, whose members think of each other as "us" and the rest of the world as "them." This bond is clearest in times of trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent terrorist strikes), my instinct to huddle with and protect my group is no different from what I'd feel for my family.
Once I identified this in my own life, I began to see tribes everywhere I looked: a house of ex-sorority women in Philadelphia, a team of ultimate-frisbee players in Boston and groups of musicians in Austin, Tex. Cities, I've come to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where fragile individuals with arrested development mope around self-indulgently searching for true love. There are rich landscapes filled with urban tribes.
So what does it mean that we've quietly added the tribe years as a developmental stage to adulthood? Because our friends in the tribe hold us responsible for our actions, I doubt it will mean a wild swing toward promiscuity or crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss of "family values." It is a fresh statement of them.
It is true, though, that marriage and the tribe are at odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully tell you, loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc on romantic relationships. Not surprisingly, marriage usually signals the beginning of the end of tribal membership. From inside the group, marriage can seem like a risky gambit. When members of our tribe choose to get married, the rest of us talk about them with grave concern, as if they've joined a religion that requires them to live in a guarded compound.
But we also know that the urban tribe can't exist forever. Those of us who have entered our mid-30's find ourselves feeling vaguely as if we're living in the latter episodes of "Seinfeld" or "Friends," as if the plot lines of our lives have begun to wear thin.
So, although tribe membership may delay marriage, that is where most of us are still heading. And it turns out there may be some good news when we get there. Divorce rates have leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at Brigham Young University, says he believes he knows why. In a paper to be published next year, he argues that it is because people are getting married later.
Could it be that we who have been biding our time in happy tribes are now actually grown up enough to understand what we need in a mate? What a fantastic twist -- we "never marrieds" may end up revitalizing the very institution we've supposedly been undermining.
And there's another dynamic worth considering. Those of us who find it so hard to leave our tribes will not choose marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable next step in our lives, the way middle-class high-school kids choose college. When we go to the altar, we will be sacrificing something precious. In that sacrifice, we may begin to learn to treat our marriages with the reverence they need to survive.
Thursday, April 03, 2003
salam pax, where are you
i've been searching on the internet for salam to see if maybe he has some kind of other blog going on somewhere. but i also just read that baghdad is totally dark. when the coalition troops moved in that's what they saw--darkness. a black spot. they claim they did not target the power grid. very smart. scare the crap out of them. i wonder if salam is alive. i am worried for him.
mom is going to be in manila soon
i hope she will be okay and not get sick with that SARS going around in asia. my co-worker came back from asia and was one of the 2 new yorkers quarantined when news broke out of SARS a week ago. he had all the symptoms, we were reading about it on the site. but the hospital claims he didn't and sent him home when he got better. i hope they were right.
media fear-mongering
sometimes it gets to me despite the fact i know it's all designed to make us nice and compliant. i felt like watching Michael Jackson on that MSG show he did with his bros on VH1, after seeing the war coverage and SARS shit over and over. it takes a lot for me to watch that psychotic freak dancing around, unless it's Jackson 5 songs.
i've been searching on the internet for salam to see if maybe he has some kind of other blog going on somewhere. but i also just read that baghdad is totally dark. when the coalition troops moved in that's what they saw--darkness. a black spot. they claim they did not target the power grid. very smart. scare the crap out of them. i wonder if salam is alive. i am worried for him.
mom is going to be in manila soon
i hope she will be okay and not get sick with that SARS going around in asia. my co-worker came back from asia and was one of the 2 new yorkers quarantined when news broke out of SARS a week ago. he had all the symptoms, we were reading about it on the site. but the hospital claims he didn't and sent him home when he got better. i hope they were right.
media fear-mongering
sometimes it gets to me despite the fact i know it's all designed to make us nice and compliant. i felt like watching Michael Jackson on that MSG show he did with his bros on VH1, after seeing the war coverage and SARS shit over and over. it takes a lot for me to watch that psychotic freak dancing around, unless it's Jackson 5 songs.