"Doubt is the dry rot of faith."

-quote from How to Know God, Deepak Chopra

Do you ever close your eyes and just listen? What do you think you would hear? I'm not talking about the outside world, like the screech of my overworked heating pipes and humming humidifier vents. I'm talking about the voice inside you. I think everyone has one of these. They call it intuition. But who says it speaks in whole sentences, jabbering constantly? I'm not talking about the fears or hopes of the subconscious. I'm talking about divinity inside you, driving you, comforting you, alerting you.

I often doubt that I even have a real intuition. Always trained to not trust my emotions. But these are not emotions. It's an actual transmitter inside you from the divine world. If you don't believe it, then be still. Close your eyes. Listen. It will speak if you will pay attention. It might take some practice quieting the distracting thoughts from the outside world. I find it quite natural to block it out, don't know why.

Things I hear it saying now.

1. You can do what you must to make a living, but you must write.

2. What you will say will help others.

3. Don't worry about the content, I've given you all the material you need. Just listen.

4. Stop writing on this blog and start on Word.

Okay, I'm out, see ya later.

timeline, no dates.
1. born
2. play music where I experience the floating feeling of connecting to the universe and a higher reality somehow
3. graduate high school, feel devastated by the world
4. 1st year of college devastation continues, feel a loss of that connection
5. temporarily connect through religion. inspired by psychology and psychologist friend. pursue that path.
6. lose the connection, gain legalistic and damaging religion, erodes my inner life
7. find the same thing in psych phD program. left both.
8. floating around, making some money doing this or that, guilt about disappointing mom and dad, cannot trust anyone or anything including myself.
9. find a partner in chaos (j). get ready to follow the program for mom and dad.
10. find my mentors (b and dr. r). conflict. partner starts to find his way.
11. start to listen and to trust others, now finally able to hear the inner voice.
12. starting a journey.

to starve or not to starve. that is the question for tonight. as it always has been. i get so tired of filipino family brainwashing. so resigned to black and white questions, black and white views of the future. it is so easy for me to get caught up in the hierarchies and structure of any organization. whether it's the family, where the moms constantly compare and preen their kids and make them absolutely paranoid and afraid to step out for themselves... religion... work... etc. it's not really anyone's fault. it's the culture mom and dad were raised in, and they mean well.

but i'm old enough to know better, and definitely old enough to act on the wisdom i'm slowly gaining, that the militaristic hierarchy of do's, don'ts, shouldn'ts and should's in my head are blocking out the real world as it is. the real world is an anarchy. that you can shape. going to small claims court was a reality check because in theory it's about what's right. no, a court of law is just a group of people operating to a set of rules designed to help uphold what is right, but who eventually wins out is the one who knows what rules work for them, but also know where there really is no hard rule.

there is something beyond the boundaries mom and dad laid out. it's seductive, perhaps dangerous, but maybe it will lead on a visionary path, to something sacred, even.

it is an utterly useless thing to compare yourself to others. i was watching diane sawyer interview jennifer aniston. clips of friends rolling like they were scenes out of Gandhi, rather than the insipid, mediocre pop candy television show that it was. people who are held up -- these celebrities -- are getting the spotlight because they make other people $$$. that's what it comes down to.

gotta find your way, and not fight the tide because of what you were taught what was the right, or cool, thing to do.

"you just have to fight for yourself"

dr r said this and it just seemed too simple. the question is not IF, it's WHERE.