i started writing this blog because i wanted to see the patterns of my head over the course of a year. i know i was going in with structure, became more comfortable with being looser, even writing stream of consciousness, but then went back to a strict structure again before i just exploded.

some fucked up dreams i've had
1. i dreamt that Dank and some others i know were on TV. i remember thinking that it must have become really easy to get on TV. then i was in my bathroom in the apartment. the door was closed and i tried to turn the doorknob but it wouldn't budge. i kept trying and it still wouldn't budge. so i calmed myself down and thought about what i could do. then i tried again and felt myself slowly start to panic. i felt trapped, like the walls were closing in on me.
2. last night, i dreamt i was in a little black box with the walls closing in on me. i actually woke up to blackness (my bedroom is very dark) and really couldn't breathe! it was freaky. i tripped over the headboard and jumped toward the door. i was relieved to get some air. i climbed back into bed. j doesn't remember and thinks i dreamt it all, but i didn't. i know i woke up.
3. b said i should tell nr about something i told him - why can't i REMEMBER?

i don't want to do med school i don't want to work, i don't want to do shit. i fuckin hate the expectations of them and you know what, if i want to be a fuckin irresponsible and crazy fucked up fuck then i will be. hahvid degree and all. fuckin i want to go and just throw shit out the window at the wall at you at people and laugh maniacally.

i'm going to write some more for the benefit of no one but myself. don't give a shit if you are reading anymore . i had a hidden blog once but fuck that. let's just say it all to the world. you dont' know who i am anyway. no one could know the dark shit that fills me, not even me. blocked. that's the way i take reaching for the light that i wonder more and more if it's just an unattainable piece of whatever it is, universe or god or spirit or... goodness or "fulfillment" i wish i could just grasp that but if not i can't take the gray anymore no no i want just the dark black aloneness just sitting with the chaos swirling and not having to please a fuckin' soul. no more of that. let me just be happy in my dark black aloneness, and why don't you just leave me be. if you cool you can sit with me in your own black hole and we can just be. yea.

what i feel:
ever feel just Dark. you just want to scribble on papers and scratch the walls and run into the dark street, run towards the headlights coming at you.
you wish you could just fuckin play chaotically like thelonius or someone on the keys. and your fingers feel it and you all of a sudden know what they were doing. not talking not singing but screaming. growling at the daftness of stupid ridiculous lala happiness marketed on banners on shiny phone booths with no phones actually in them. tearing their faces off, them people who are the culprits and are corrupting. you realize the truth is really a baldfaced fuckin lie and the lie is the fuckin truth and why not inject that shit, drink that shit, lie in your vomit and wait for the headlights to run over your useless skull that's thought so much of what's right and good and proper and what does this person need. fuck that. why not just lie under the headlights not giving a shit whether you'd still look tiny as your tiny body is when the cars smash your ribs and stomach and freshly built muscley sinewy mini female biceps and rip parts of your hair off your skull. man that's a really tiny woman, they'd say, who decided to just get run over. but i'm not going to do it, i just feel like it, i just feel like injecting shit in my veins like i saw someone do once, just to feel like who gives a shite. but i'm not going to do any of it, nooo, i'm just going to do nothing and worry as always but fuck if you know what's going on in my mind. this is a gift don't you know.

where i am: home, saw cuz's blog
my energy: chillin' (at home)
my plans: to quit the chic equinox gym and join the ugly purple Crunch gym. blech.
last web site remembered: cuz's sintapea blog
fun things today: seeing mommy and daddy -- they're in nyc
annoyed by: having to work
where I'm going: equinox
what i'd rather do: organize my apartment. i love that book "living large in small spaces"
last inspired by: the book living large in small spaces and thinking how lucky i am to live in this apartment.
last interesting convo: talkin' with bro about how he never saw me cry like i did last night (i was hysterical cuz i couldn't find my mommy!! LOL)