Stories for Stephen

#2

I got "punk" when I realized it sounded exactly like what was in my head. Even more when my mouth moved to speak what was in my mind, versus what I thought they wanted me to say. I didn't "get" it when Pali wanted me to stop dressing like a "prep." That it was "cool." I didn't want to be "cool," I wanted to be me. To be the truth I felt and saw. "Cool" just seemed contrived.

Then I remember Chris, my first "boyfriend" who I never even held hands with, explaining straight edge to me. How people didn't drink or smoke, and hated it like I did. And they were into truth- hardcore. Then he sent me a mix of bad brains, minor threat, black flag- bands with harsh names that, when I actually listened had the beat of my own heart - of love under indignance, anger that was justified and expressed its truth and reached out for community. Oh that beat.

I realized I was already "cool."

I've been through several cycles of this too. Each time has been like the beautiful burning sun growing brighter than I already thought it was.

Jonathan has a blog http://arttherapyfaces.com

Stories for Stephen

#1

I live in Potomac.

When triggered, the house alarm echoes through the entire neighborhood. The living room’s doors let in light from the yard, and were all hot.  Found the cold one – a ticket to endless night.

Rob parked his sexy sexy motorbike like a Fuck you.

Right by the driveway - Mom could see it after waking from one of her nightmares. In the darkness I whispered, beckoned and he squinted, tracked me. From the television to the cloaked guest room, we duck under the laser beam.  Yes, the basement was hot too. I’m not supposed touch this polish punk warmth cradling me in his blue eyes.

Then there was poetic Dan.

He was in steady pursuit of my thoughts. Cuddling with words and anticipation of an empty night, we filled up with local angled color. The DC punk industrial renaissance: Purple bangs and mohawks jump and stab the curtains at 9:30 Club, at Tracks. Yet home for him was poetry; smells, tastes of Brazil on glass tabletops in a DC townhome. The smell of the elderly. He was the much youngest of 3 sons.

He joined me in Manhattan; his mother bought a studio in midtown. At Columbia we found sex could be thundering chaotic joy and also ebb like poetry to sad and flat. I found him and another Barnard women caressing under stark fluorescent dorm lights. Shocked as an innocent, yet stoic - like Joan of Arc I informed him what I stood for – faith - and that we were done. And, may have hepatitis, thanks to Rob.

As he sobbed with fear and yet begged me to come back, I tested clean.

I don’t remember what happened to Dan. All I know is he dropped out and moved back to Brazil, a schizophrenic spirit-filled mutterer.

I don’t know where Rob is. He visited me at Columbia,

then stopped once I converted to Christianity.

Minana was always my private "dream" blog. Reading it again, I see streams of consciousness.

Workman-like descriptions of absurd, illusory dreams. Visual, rapid depictions of emotions triggered by friends, family & boyfriends; interpretations of events.

This is why I keep separate blogs. To maintain written clarity midst the firehose of life's sensations.

A look back. My blogging history

(Stephen, this post is for you, as you're the only person I know who has blogged since the early/mid 90s besides me.)

This is emblematic of the "partnership" I feel with Stephen that I've had with no other 'real' boyfriend. After reading his organized, archived blogs that date way back, he's inspired me.

A brief history:

• Heard my first "internet connection" briefly via phone dialing to another computer at Brandi's dad's computer. Fourth grade, 1984.
• Discovered the internet via email, IRC and Gopher on Columbia U's Unix back in 1992. Created my first personal web site on Unix, which also contained my first blog posts. 
• Argued about Christianity & religion on IRC, as I'd converted via ICOC in my sophomore year. Transferred the personal web site to Geocities.com, but lost it + the blog when Geocities shut down in 2009 :(
• Obsessed with my first blog - a crazy teenage chick who whined about high school and wrestled her own domain from her mother - while I was working at NYU Med Center (1997-8). Started debating about religion on delphiforums.com, where I made my first online only friends at ICC Discussion Forum.
• First online dates happened around 2002 after I broke up with Jay. Began with an UWS dating coffee shop that had binders with profiles, which transitioned online. Joined Nerve+Lava Life, later OKCupid when Nerve shut down; then the apps came along (Tinder, Hinge, the League). Never met a real boyfriend online (until recently)!
• Started an anti-ICOC blog in 2002, when the church started falling apart, summarizing some of the Delphi discussion. (Actually made money off it with Google Adwords!) 
• Joined Friendster which I was obsessed with til it shut down. Then MySpace, then Facebook in 2003, where I found old Harvard friends.
• Facebook became an obsession when it took off.  Still is. Joined Twitter in 2009. 
• Not counting Facebook and Twitter, total of 11 blogs. 
• CU Unix>Geocities personal site/blog (now defunct) 1994-2009
• Minana 2002
• ICOC Blogspot 2003
• Artistic, liberal Tablangs only 2004
• NYC Noise 2005
• Tablang Family Blog 2011
• Time Out Project (formerly Education/Healthcare Reform blog) 2012
• Thoughts, suspended 2012
• Uberlyft blog 2015
• Peakfoqus blog 2015
• Medium 2015
• I'll be online a while. There it is, in one place. Thanks Stephen :)