dave realized he has an issue with alcohol. at my karaoke birthday thing he did awful things that he doesn't even remember. mom could sense there was something wrong but i couldn't tell her.
dave's issues remind me of ted - the manic episodes triggered by alcohol and substances.
dream
i was living with the family in a pretty white house in a neighborhood where homes are close together. it was night and i was sneaking into the house through the back with my key. i got into the house and was headed upstairs to my bedroom when ted started blasting music on the ground floor. i got into my bedroom, and mom came by sensing i was worried. she asked me if it was about american idol. of course it was not - it was about dave, but i didn't tell her.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Saturday, March 05, 2005
promotion
this week i told dr r about work. my boss got a huge promotion and i probably will too. and i said how it increases my fears that i feel like i do dorky things without realizing i do. i'm constantly trying to figure out how i "really" look like to people because i know my own self-image is not accurate. she said this kind of thinking is common among people abused as children, and it's another form of self-attack.
dream #1 from yesterday
dave comes over. i am happy to see him, and we eat dinner. i am in the kitchen and start eating while he's in my bedroom, far at the other end of the apartment. i realize he's far, and he comes over to see me in the kitchen. for some reason it is hard for us try to get together and eat in the same spot in the apt. i miss him. --i then woke up and im'ed asking for him to come over.--
dream #2
a friend shows us their house. it has an extensive set of rooms in the basement apartments, which have been rented out to 2 people. to get to the stairs leading down, we have to climb over a column at the back wall of a ground level room. i remember wondering why it was so hard to walk into.
dream #3
i have been hanging out at a party with some jock kids and got along with them. later i was outside. as i approached a volleyball game they were playing, the head of the jocks asked me to come and play in a friendly way. i called her a bitch and refused angrily. they were all surprised and thought i was totally weird. i walked away. on my way home i had to walk through several rooms in a building under construction. i was barefoot, and the ground was wet. thought i saw broken glass. i walked through anyway, and didn't think i'd have any problems. when i got home, my feet were wet and had huge pores in them. at first it looked like there was no glass in my foot, but then i saw tiny shiny pieces of glass sticking out. when i pulled at them, a giant piece of glass came out. there were about 6 pieces that i pulled out. it felt good.
dream #4
i was with hernan in paris, don't remember what happened but it felt like old times.
dream #1 from yesterday
dave comes over. i am happy to see him, and we eat dinner. i am in the kitchen and start eating while he's in my bedroom, far at the other end of the apartment. i realize he's far, and he comes over to see me in the kitchen. for some reason it is hard for us try to get together and eat in the same spot in the apt. i miss him. --i then woke up and im'ed asking for him to come over.--
dream #2
a friend shows us their house. it has an extensive set of rooms in the basement apartments, which have been rented out to 2 people. to get to the stairs leading down, we have to climb over a column at the back wall of a ground level room. i remember wondering why it was so hard to walk into.
dream #3
i have been hanging out at a party with some jock kids and got along with them. later i was outside. as i approached a volleyball game they were playing, the head of the jocks asked me to come and play in a friendly way. i called her a bitch and refused angrily. they were all surprised and thought i was totally weird. i walked away. on my way home i had to walk through several rooms in a building under construction. i was barefoot, and the ground was wet. thought i saw broken glass. i walked through anyway, and didn't think i'd have any problems. when i got home, my feet were wet and had huge pores in them. at first it looked like there was no glass in my foot, but then i saw tiny shiny pieces of glass sticking out. when i pulled at them, a giant piece of glass came out. there were about 6 pieces that i pulled out. it felt good.
dream #4
i was with hernan in paris, don't remember what happened but it felt like old times.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
getting ahead
trying to figure out work politics lately. getting my mind to think in terms of working with "my teams." it's shaping how i approach people and how i prioritize my workload... skills for the future and my film. i still feel inept even when people tell me i'm brilliant. etc.
i was running a foot race in a city. i had the ability to leap forward (crouching tiger stuff). there were rumors that a man was ahead of everyone else. i realized that it was actually me. we got to a pole we were supposed to hit (instead of a ribbon). i struggled against #2 to put my hand there first. the other girl, who looked like bridgette, put her hands on top of mine. so there was a bit of a debate.
we had a victory banquet. the food was incredible. calamari, oysters, etc. but i didn't feel like i was being handed the whole victory.
i tried to leave through a one-person wide stairway. i could get past most people though it was difficult. then this fat asian chick came along and had an attitude that i was trying to pass by.
i was running a foot race in a city. i had the ability to leap forward (crouching tiger stuff). there were rumors that a man was ahead of everyone else. i realized that it was actually me. we got to a pole we were supposed to hit (instead of a ribbon). i struggled against #2 to put my hand there first. the other girl, who looked like bridgette, put her hands on top of mine. so there was a bit of a debate.
we had a victory banquet. the food was incredible. calamari, oysters, etc. but i didn't feel like i was being handed the whole victory.
i tried to leave through a one-person wide stairway. i could get past most people though it was difficult. then this fat asian chick came along and had an attitude that i was trying to pass by.
Friday, January 21, 2005
commitment
we hang out every single day; he took care of me while i was sick this whole week. "i'm taking care of you today," he said. yesterday he bought me this cute toy pug !!! he mentions marriage sometimes, often while drunk, and gradually while sober... i feel such split feelings over marriage in general. but i woke up early at 5AM one morning last week. it dawned on me that i could totally marry him, that i totally felt he was my soul mate. but i always waver. i guess that's normal. it needs to stand the test of time.
his cousin gerald, who i knew as my neighbor a few years ago, "re-met" me as dave's girl and he called dave to say that we looked really good together! that i seem really comfortable with dave. that i looked beautiful. he called just to say that. dave thought that was so sweet. so did i.
------------------------------------
(dave's only symbolically in this dream)
we were promoting the new world trade center, which was to be two sky-high building connected by a bridge. the women and men were to get people to this party. it felt very icoc but i kept getting reassured that it had nothing to do with it. steve johnson was there, though.
the women decided to start by making a list of all the girls they knew whose name started with an "M." the guys started with the guys they knew from "A" to somewhere in the middle of the alphabet. they had a lot more people, and they gathered on some flat plot of ground near the construction site at the corner of "D" street. i was still confused about the purpose of all this. was it for a party to set off the opening, or what? the guys started what looked like a devo on the D street spot. (nowhere in nyc is there a D street, only in washington...)
then there were some arguments b/w architects over the structure of the building, because it's original plans were altered.
his cousin gerald, who i knew as my neighbor a few years ago, "re-met" me as dave's girl and he called dave to say that we looked really good together! that i seem really comfortable with dave. that i looked beautiful. he called just to say that. dave thought that was so sweet. so did i.
------------------------------------
(dave's only symbolically in this dream)
we were promoting the new world trade center, which was to be two sky-high building connected by a bridge. the women and men were to get people to this party. it felt very icoc but i kept getting reassured that it had nothing to do with it. steve johnson was there, though.
the women decided to start by making a list of all the girls they knew whose name started with an "M." the guys started with the guys they knew from "A" to somewhere in the middle of the alphabet. they had a lot more people, and they gathered on some flat plot of ground near the construction site at the corner of "D" street. i was still confused about the purpose of all this. was it for a party to set off the opening, or what? the guys started what looked like a devo on the D street spot. (nowhere in nyc is there a D street, only in washington...)
then there were some arguments b/w architects over the structure of the building, because it's original plans were altered.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
night out w.dave's FAPOS crew
dave's friend terry has the most adorable baby in the universe, Kiera... sje looks like a little kewpie doll. dave was nervous about his friend's g/f who he was seeing for 1st time after a falling out. went back to his place and chilled with everyone... edwin did pushups in the street and dave almost gave $40 to a driver for $23 ride (!) but he got his money back. i started to feel insecure as i always do in groups... though they are the most chill guys. all of them are so nice and bright and interesting. his friendship with stefan, in particular, is beautiful. i'm so glad i have a best friend too in bobby. i wish i had a group friends like them who had known me from high school in the same city, who have no bullshit when it comes to realness and friendship. dave is so lucky... but i do have my crew: bobby, libre, even the bronx artists... they make up for those sad times.
it's so amazing that i can tell dave how i feel, how i get "antisocial" seeming with groups of people... that i can tell him what hurts me and he doesn't get mad but totally gets it. (**I AM** the luckiest girl in the world!)
i wish i could be as comfortable speaking to a group of people as he is. i love that about him.
-----------------------------------------------
jj ordered some chinese food. i had ordered some special food earlier to coincide at the same time. when our food finally arrived, i looked for the "special" food but couldn't find it at first. right when i was about to get upset, the food showed up at the door (or was it hidden and i found it?)
i was at my "family's" house (not the real one) and i was terrified, trying to hide under the bed because my abusive father (not the real one) was hunting the whole family down. i remembered that he had slashed words into our wrists with a knife. i was so scared, afraid to get found...
i thought i was awake...
later after the incident, i asked dave to come walk w/me to talk about the terrifying incident in the house and the abuse i had encountered with the family (the dream one). he and i went out on amsterdam and i was looking for a good coffee shop.
then we were lying in bed in his apartment, and it turned out his apartment had two floors with a dominican family living above. the dominicans had to come down through his bedroom in order to exit the apartment. they came down, had their coats on as if coming from or going to a party. some went through the door, others to the kitchen to do stuff. finally they all left. i felt annoyed but resigned at the same time, at the inconvenience...
it's so amazing that i can tell dave how i feel, how i get "antisocial" seeming with groups of people... that i can tell him what hurts me and he doesn't get mad but totally gets it. (**I AM** the luckiest girl in the world!)
i wish i could be as comfortable speaking to a group of people as he is. i love that about him.
-----------------------------------------------
jj ordered some chinese food. i had ordered some special food earlier to coincide at the same time. when our food finally arrived, i looked for the "special" food but couldn't find it at first. right when i was about to get upset, the food showed up at the door (or was it hidden and i found it?)
i was at my "family's" house (not the real one) and i was terrified, trying to hide under the bed because my abusive father (not the real one) was hunting the whole family down. i remembered that he had slashed words into our wrists with a knife. i was so scared, afraid to get found...
i thought i was awake...
later after the incident, i asked dave to come walk w/me to talk about the terrifying incident in the house and the abuse i had encountered with the family (the dream one). he and i went out on amsterdam and i was looking for a good coffee shop.
then we were lying in bed in his apartment, and it turned out his apartment had two floors with a dominican family living above. the dominicans had to come down through his bedroom in order to exit the apartment. they came down, had their coats on as if coming from or going to a party. some went through the door, others to the kitchen to do stuff. finally they all left. i felt annoyed but resigned at the same time, at the inconvenience...
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
i love him
i am totally and ridiculously and wholly in love with dave. i am not afraid. no doubts anymore.... he loves me and wants me and desires me... i feel it down to my bones and i see it in his eyes. i see it and feel it and know it.
i've been looking for you... i've found you. what he whispered to me in the kitchen outside of book club... he says it for me.
-----------------
i was in a museum. i was coming down an escalator that led to some
gardens. people were waiting in a line. bobby was in
the line and dave was too.
bobby had a cell phone and he programmed it so that he
could give me some money through it. he handed it to
me. but dave took it from me and added more money to
it; then dave gave it to me.
i've been looking for you... i've found you. what he whispered to me in the kitchen outside of book club... he says it for me.
-----------------
i was in a museum. i was coming down an escalator that led to some
gardens. people were waiting in a line. bobby was in
the line and dave was too.
bobby had a cell phone and he programmed it so that he
could give me some money through it. he handed it to
me. but dave took it from me and added more money to
it; then dave gave it to me.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
ROTK EE
the ongoing themes for me... conflicts about pleasure vs. duty ... an esoteric dream. this is a hard one.
we had seen the EE of ROTK that night. i was crying like crazy at all the scenes, old and new... especially the coronation, and faramir meets eowyn. met the FAPOS for the first time. edwin was loud. i was trying to be loud with him and as it usually happens i came out sounding dumb sometimes. oh it just takes practice...
that same night ** dreamed he was looking for me after a hellish time in grad school earlier in the dream. my "ex," some hot guy was following him like gollum, and asked ** for anal sex. he refused and grabbed/broke a wine bottle to protect himself from the ex.
-----------------------------------
i was a little blond boy in a one-room schoolhouse. my teacher had me setting up tables with napkins and plates as "work" in exchange for 5% off my lunch. i as myself had ordered weed from a dealer, who was waiting in the school's basketball court. the teacher told the little blond boy to go to the dealer because he was supposed to be a role model or mentor. when i as little boy went to the basketball court, i saw they were throwing a party for me. bobby was by the court preparing food. there were tables and tables of food.
we had seen the EE of ROTK that night. i was crying like crazy at all the scenes, old and new... especially the coronation, and faramir meets eowyn. met the FAPOS for the first time. edwin was loud. i was trying to be loud with him and as it usually happens i came out sounding dumb sometimes. oh it just takes practice...
that same night ** dreamed he was looking for me after a hellish time in grad school earlier in the dream. my "ex," some hot guy was following him like gollum, and asked ** for anal sex. he refused and grabbed/broke a wine bottle to protect himself from the ex.
-----------------------------------
i was a little blond boy in a one-room schoolhouse. my teacher had me setting up tables with napkins and plates as "work" in exchange for 5% off my lunch. i as myself had ordered weed from a dealer, who was waiting in the school's basketball court. the teacher told the little blond boy to go to the dealer because he was supposed to be a role model or mentor. when i as little boy went to the basketball court, i saw they were throwing a party for me. bobby was by the court preparing food. there were tables and tables of food.
Monday, November 29, 2004
I have found him
after an amazing night of hearing philosophy debate between the history giant hernan, julio and dave... with whom, i now realize, i am fully and completely falling ridiculously hard in love with... and yet i get this bugging feeling that maybe i'm not ready, it's too fast, though a few months ago i felt totally ready to be in a relationship again. we were up all night talking, and all that echoed in my mind was: i love you. i love you. i love you.
oh love, i have finally found you. crazy but sane.
we are exclusive... still, i'm terrified...
-----------------------------------------------------
i'm at jay's place, some apt i've never seen. we're also walking through some streets... he is telling me about two girls he dated other than the rebound girlfriend, women he had never mentioned before. i kept asking him to repeat detais because i couldn't get them straight. all along i was thinking of telling him about dave my new boyfriend, but i still felt hesitant to tell him, same feeling i get now. i felt the same non-attraction but caring feeling i have for jay in real life.
he had a dog and he said, remember how i used to keep him locked in the room when we were doing it? and i said, well with my boyfriend dave, nikki can wander and it's fine! i looked at the dog, who's brown & black like nikki but a different breed... like a poodle/barney dog (monie's old dog). he's lying on the ground, looking up at me.
oh love, i have finally found you. crazy but sane.
we are exclusive... still, i'm terrified...
-----------------------------------------------------
i'm at jay's place, some apt i've never seen. we're also walking through some streets... he is telling me about two girls he dated other than the rebound girlfriend, women he had never mentioned before. i kept asking him to repeat detais because i couldn't get them straight. all along i was thinking of telling him about dave my new boyfriend, but i still felt hesitant to tell him, same feeling i get now. i felt the same non-attraction but caring feeling i have for jay in real life.
he had a dog and he said, remember how i used to keep him locked in the room when we were doing it? and i said, well with my boyfriend dave, nikki can wander and it's fine! i looked at the dog, who's brown & black like nikki but a different breed... like a poodle/barney dog (monie's old dog). he's lying on the ground, looking up at me.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
fear, relief, love
knowing how tech savvy dave is, he's probably found my blog.
------------------------------
he said i have lucy liu eyes...
you stand there,
leaves falling behind,
as if holding me
up against the sky -
though you are twenty feet away
with the dogs and their autumn freedom
crunching all around us,
i could hear you breathing.
i am falling
into that longing
in your eyes.
----------------------------
i have never felt like i was falling so hard. please let this not be an illusion. please let it be real, let it stand the test of some time, let it become clear because i feel like i have found...
------------------------------
he said i have lucy liu eyes...
you stand there,
leaves falling behind,
as if holding me
up against the sky -
though you are twenty feet away
with the dogs and their autumn freedom
crunching all around us,
i could hear you breathing.
i am falling
into that longing
in your eyes.
----------------------------
i have never felt like i was falling so hard. please let this not be an illusion. please let it be real, let it stand the test of some time, let it become clear because i feel like i have found...
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Tons of dates and uncertainty later...
Inspired by my film project, by intakes at WSI... falling for, yet uncertain about DM after about 8 dates though he seems to really dig me... setting up other dates but feeling ambivalent...
-------------
I was trying to get to the airport for my flight to the Philippines. Mom said she could drive me, but only took me as far as Astor Place then went home. I was fine at first, until I found I could not get any cabs. I was incredibly pissed at Mom. So I started to walk and around 3rd Ave a ghetto ass station wagon cab pulled up. It was maroon and this derelict was driving it. The back seat was covered w/mold. I got in anyway. So we're driving and I think we're going the wrong way... we end up in some suburban neighborhood. I'm incredibly pissed off and start yelling at the driver. Then I look at the meter and it says $195 and going up. It's only a $20 trip! So I start freaking out and want to get out - maybe I can call a cab from one of these homes.
Miraculously, another cab drives and people get out. I grab my stuff out of the trunk and put it in the other car, cursing out the first cab driver and refusing to give him any money. I finally get to the airport... on time for my flight!
-------------
I was trying to get to the airport for my flight to the Philippines. Mom said she could drive me, but only took me as far as Astor Place then went home. I was fine at first, until I found I could not get any cabs. I was incredibly pissed at Mom. So I started to walk and around 3rd Ave a ghetto ass station wagon cab pulled up. It was maroon and this derelict was driving it. The back seat was covered w/mold. I got in anyway. So we're driving and I think we're going the wrong way... we end up in some suburban neighborhood. I'm incredibly pissed off and start yelling at the driver. Then I look at the meter and it says $195 and going up. It's only a $20 trip! So I start freaking out and want to get out - maybe I can call a cab from one of these homes.
Miraculously, another cab drives and people get out. I grab my stuff out of the trunk and put it in the other car, cursing out the first cab driver and refusing to give him any money. I finally get to the airport... on time for my flight!
Friday, October 22, 2004
Mom
listening to rene block, mr. latin on 89.3
-------------------------
movies that finally move me...
motorcycle diaries
before sunrise
-------------------------
movies that finally move me...
motorcycle diaries
before sunrise
UMd Stats Conference...
I hate meeting people at conferences...
-------------------------------------------
I'm in this strange pageant where the only people present are some beautiful model-like but insecure women, me, and a judge who is also our trainer. We go through our training and tricks involving some kind of acrobatics, and the judge proclaims me "Miss USA." I'm surprised, but not that surprised... I tell the judge that I thought it was funny to get picked because I never even got to hang out with gorgeous people like the other models, and here I am getting judged the best. She thinks I'm being insecure and starts to reassure me, but I tell her I don't need to be. And I don't, because I know that I'm just the coolest, most intelligent, etc. person and I totally deserved it.
Ted and I are walking in front of a bank after that happened, looking in. Somehow I have privileges to something with the bank officer, but I forget what happened ... Then I'm in a car with Dad and I tell him I'm Miss USA. "Are you sure ?!" he said. He couldn't believe it because I never even told him about the pageant.
Then Ted, me and a guide are driving around on an island, perhaps a small one off of Hawaii. We stop and Ted decides to walk out and dig a tunnel into the sand with his feet. Meanwhile I notice that the tide is coming in. I realize that the sand is really volcanic ash... we are on an island that is actually a volcano all around. I tell them so. The guide confirms this. The water is coming in really fast, and the guide says he thinks there's a big storm driving the water in. I start to panic, and I called to Ted to stop digging, to hurry into the car so we can get off the edge of the island toward the safer parts... dream ends.
-------------------------------------------
I'm in this strange pageant where the only people present are some beautiful model-like but insecure women, me, and a judge who is also our trainer. We go through our training and tricks involving some kind of acrobatics, and the judge proclaims me "Miss USA." I'm surprised, but not that surprised... I tell the judge that I thought it was funny to get picked because I never even got to hang out with gorgeous people like the other models, and here I am getting judged the best. She thinks I'm being insecure and starts to reassure me, but I tell her I don't need to be. And I don't, because I know that I'm just the coolest, most intelligent, etc. person and I totally deserved it.
Ted and I are walking in front of a bank after that happened, looking in. Somehow I have privileges to something with the bank officer, but I forget what happened ... Then I'm in a car with Dad and I tell him I'm Miss USA. "Are you sure ?!" he said. He couldn't believe it because I never even told him about the pageant.
Then Ted, me and a guide are driving around on an island, perhaps a small one off of Hawaii. We stop and Ted decides to walk out and dig a tunnel into the sand with his feet. Meanwhile I notice that the tide is coming in. I realize that the sand is really volcanic ash... we are on an island that is actually a volcano all around. I tell them so. The guide confirms this. The water is coming in really fast, and the guide says he thinks there's a big storm driving the water in. I start to panic, and I called to Ted to stop digging, to hurry into the car so we can get off the edge of the island toward the safer parts... dream ends.
Monday, October 18, 2004
2nd Date w/Dave -
LOTR Extended edition @ his place
----------------
We were in 2 classrooms and in one of them teachers were preparing, meaning they were putting on clothes, skirts, etc. In the classroom next door was a group of students waiting for the teacher. Dave walked into the classroom and saw that there was no teacher, and asked where the teacher was ( or was that me?)
----------------
We were in 2 classrooms and in one of them teachers were preparing, meaning they were putting on clothes, skirts, etc. In the classroom next door was a group of students waiting for the teacher. Dave walked into the classroom and saw that there was no teacher, and asked where the teacher was ( or was that me?)
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Texas - Work Takes Over My Life
getting a vintage desk
find that it has sewing machine that i didn't know about at first. serendipitous becuase i had a sewing machine at home that didn't work but wanted to use anyway, but i have to get a part and i was undecided about doing that or selling it and buying a new one.
find that it has sewing machine that i didn't know about at first. serendipitous becuase i had a sewing machine at home that didn't work but wanted to use anyway, but i have to get a part and i was undecided about doing that or selling it and buying a new one.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Dating Games
I thought we were having another date on Wednesday, but it didn't happen. I was so sad and Bobby said he was concerned that I feel able to tolerate abuse or neglectful behavior for hope of connection and love...
-----------
Dave Michel wrote me back saying the apt was messed up by the dog and he didn't want me to see that. It was in the Bulk email box. I showed it to Bobby who interpreted the email for me.
Simone had some nets in the beach. I wanted to go drag them out because they weren't supposed to be there. A big fish was caught in the net. I brought it to the street in front of her house, and smashed it dead with my foot. I called her to come down and to let her know about it and help me bring it to her place. She took a while, seemed she was resistant to look at the fish and was reserved in my jubilance at how big the fish was. But Bobby and she finally came down to help me. I wanted to get gloves so I could handle it and not get slimy. I found some in the lobby.
-----------
Dave Michel wrote me back saying the apt was messed up by the dog and he didn't want me to see that. It was in the Bulk email box. I showed it to Bobby who interpreted the email for me.
Simone had some nets in the beach. I wanted to go drag them out because they weren't supposed to be there. A big fish was caught in the net. I brought it to the street in front of her house, and smashed it dead with my foot. I called her to come down and to let her know about it and help me bring it to her place. She took a while, seemed she was resistant to look at the fish and was reserved in my jubilance at how big the fish was. But Bobby and she finally came down to help me. I wanted to get gloves so I could handle it and not get slimy. I found some in the lobby.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Date w/Irfan
(Dream) We were driving up broadway in his car. I was sitting in the back w/2 guy friends of ours. Irfan announces he is really way too tired to drive us back. So I get out of the car and try to flag some cabs. It's really hard because they keep passing me by or someone else steals them. I ask Irfan for some cash, and he gives me a $20. The other 2 stay in the car for some reason, but I get out and keep flagging cabs. I get so pissed off and frustrated because 2 more cabs pass me by. The last one stopped then drove away just as I approached to open the door. Everyone was fighting over the cabs.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
earliest memories
dad in pool
mom with swing
aunt's house w/gate and the cousins
boy with inside out eyelids
mom with swing
aunt's house w/gate and the cousins
boy with inside out eyelids
jill was showing me some tights she had bought - somehow i got the idea that she was pulling something over her mother. then i saw beautiful nadine on tv, and then her mother on tv with brother talking about or bragging about it. i see her later in a fancy designer boutique. she had gotten really big and fat, but carried herself in the same sexy, sultry european way she has, as if she were oblivious to her change.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
No longer into partying
i was walking along a dirt path among tall cornfields. i came to a fork and kept walking, then realized i was a lost. a hispanic farm worker came along the path and told me i could find my way back if i just looked over the corn back toward the road. but the corn was too tall. so he led me to a spot where all the workers stayed. i met his family, a daughter of his, and felt at home. i started to feel like i was feeling attracted to the man who helped me, but he was married to a japanese woman. that made me feel happy because i didn't want to feel that attraction. but it made me feel as if he were like a father figure to me.
Friday, September 10, 2004
set in paris...
[ that day i had emailed libre, the book club, about my idea to to do a doc film on working women in the philippines. i also took a look at the fulbright applications on the web w/bobby in the evening. ]
i was in paris and went to visit sharon kim. paris was like venice for some reason; all the streets were under water. she had just gotten a tattered blue boat and i saw her driving it from below - not sure whether i was in a bridge or looking out a window, or what (you know how dreams are) . she waved at me gaily and i realized that the boat used to be my boat.
suddenly the streets are all paved again, and i'm wheeling around on some contraption with one wheel. a bunch of cute guys approach me and admire my wheels and my beauty. i flirted back, confidently.
i was in paris and went to visit sharon kim. paris was like venice for some reason; all the streets were under water. she had just gotten a tattered blue boat and i saw her driving it from below - not sure whether i was in a bridge or looking out a window, or what (you know how dreams are) . she waved at me gaily and i realized that the boat used to be my boat.
suddenly the streets are all paved again, and i'm wheeling around on some contraption with one wheel. a bunch of cute guys approach me and admire my wheels and my beauty. i flirted back, confidently.