night out w.dave's FAPOS crew

dave's friend terry has the most adorable baby in the universe, Kiera... sje looks like a little kewpie doll. dave was nervous about his friend's g/f who he was seeing for 1st time after a falling out. went back to his place and chilled with everyone... edwin did pushups in the street and dave almost gave $40 to a driver for $23 ride (!) but he got his money back. i started to feel insecure as i always do in groups... though they are the most chill guys. all of them are so nice and bright and interesting. his friendship with stefan, in particular, is beautiful. i'm so glad i have a best friend too in bobby. i wish i had a group friends like them who had known me from high school in the same city, who have no bullshit when it comes to realness and friendship. dave is so lucky... but i do have my crew: bobby, libre, even the bronx artists... they make up for those sad times.
it's so amazing that i can tell dave how i feel, how i get "antisocial" seeming with groups of people... that i can tell him what hurts me and he doesn't get mad but totally gets it. (**I AM** the luckiest girl in the world!)
i wish i could be as comfortable speaking to a group of people as he is. i love that about him.
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jj ordered some chinese food. i had ordered some special food earlier to coincide at the same time. when our food finally arrived, i looked for the "special" food but couldn't find it at first. right when i was about to get upset, the food showed up at the door (or was it hidden and i found it?)

i was at my "family's" house (not the real one) and i was terrified, trying to hide under the bed because my abusive father (not the real one) was hunting the whole family down. i remembered that he had slashed words into our wrists with a knife. i was so scared, afraid to get found...

i thought i was awake...

later after the incident, i asked dave to come walk w/me to talk about the terrifying incident in the house and the abuse i had encountered with the family (the dream one). he and i went out on amsterdam and i was looking for a good coffee shop.

then we were lying in bed in his apartment, and it turned out his apartment had two floors with a dominican family living above. the dominicans had to come down through his bedroom in order to exit the apartment. they came down, had their coats on as if coming from or going to a party. some went through the door, others to the kitchen to do stuff. finally they all left. i felt annoyed but resigned at the same time, at the inconvenience...

i love him

i am totally and ridiculously and wholly in love with dave. i am not afraid. no doubts anymore.... he loves me and wants me and desires me... i feel it down to my bones and i see it in his eyes. i see it and feel it and know it.

i've been looking for you... i've found you. what he whispered to me in the kitchen outside of book club... he says it for me.
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i was in a museum. i was coming down an escalator that led to some
gardens. people were waiting in a line. bobby was in
the line and dave was too.

bobby had a cell phone and he programmed it so that he
could give me some money through it. he handed it to
me. but dave took it from me and added more money to
it; then dave gave it to me.

ROTK EE

the ongoing themes for me... conflicts about pleasure vs. duty ... an esoteric dream. this is a hard one.

we had seen the EE of ROTK that night. i was crying like crazy at all the scenes, old and new... especially the coronation, and faramir meets eowyn. met the FAPOS for the first time. edwin was loud. i was trying to be loud with him and as it usually happens i came out sounding dumb sometimes. oh it just takes practice...

that same night ** dreamed he was looking for me after a hellish time in grad school earlier in the dream. my "ex," some hot guy was following him like gollum, and asked ** for anal sex. he refused and grabbed/broke a wine bottle to protect himself from the ex.
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i was a little blond boy in a one-room schoolhouse. my teacher had me setting up tables with napkins and plates as "work" in exchange for 5% off my lunch. i as myself had ordered weed from a dealer, who was waiting in the school's basketball court. the teacher told the little blond boy to go to the dealer because he was supposed to be a role model or mentor. when i as little boy went to the basketball court, i saw they were throwing a party for me. bobby was by the court preparing food. there were tables and tables of food.

I have found him

after an amazing night of hearing philosophy debate between the history giant hernan, julio and dave... with whom, i now realize, i am fully and completely falling ridiculously hard in love with... and yet i get this bugging feeling that maybe i'm not ready, it's too fast, though a few months ago i felt totally ready to be in a relationship again. we were up all night talking, and all that echoed in my mind was: i love you. i love you. i love you.

oh love, i have finally found you. crazy but sane.

we are exclusive... still, i'm terrified...
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i'm at jay's place, some apt i've never seen. we're also walking through some streets... he is telling me about two girls he dated other than the rebound girlfriend, women he had never mentioned before. i kept asking him to repeat detais because i couldn't get them straight. all along i was thinking of telling him about dave my new boyfriend, but i still felt hesitant to tell him, same feeling i get now. i felt the same non-attraction but caring feeling i have for jay in real life.

he had a dog and he said, remember how i used to keep him locked in the room when we were doing it? and i said, well with my boyfriend dave, nikki can wander and it's fine! i looked at the dog, who's brown & black like nikki but a different breed... like a poodle/barney dog (monie's old dog). he's lying on the ground, looking up at me.

fear, relief, love

knowing how tech savvy dave is, he's probably found my blog.
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he said i have lucy liu eyes...

you stand there,
leaves falling behind,
as if holding me
up against the sky -
though you are twenty feet away
with the dogs and their autumn freedom
crunching all around us,
i could hear you breathing.

i am falling
into that longing
in your eyes.

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i have never felt like i was falling so hard. please let this not be an illusion. please let it be real, let it stand the test of some time, let it become clear because i feel like i have found...

Tons of dates and uncertainty later...

Inspired by my film project, by intakes at WSI... falling for, yet uncertain about DM after about 8 dates though he seems to really dig me... setting up other dates but feeling ambivalent...
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I was trying to get to the airport for my flight to the Philippines. Mom said she could drive me, but only took me as far as Astor Place then went home. I was fine at first, until I found I could not get any cabs. I was incredibly pissed at Mom. So I started to walk and around 3rd Ave a ghetto ass station wagon cab pulled up. It was maroon and this derelict was driving it. The back seat was covered w/mold. I got in anyway. So we're driving and I think we're going the wrong way... we end up in some suburban neighborhood. I'm incredibly pissed off and start yelling at the driver. Then I look at the meter and it says $195 and going up. It's only a $20 trip! So I start freaking out and want to get out - maybe I can call a cab from one of these homes.
Miraculously, another cab drives and people get out. I grab my stuff out of the trunk and put it in the other car, cursing out the first cab driver and refusing to give him any money. I finally get to the airport... on time for my flight!

Mom

listening to rene block, mr. latin on 89.3

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movies that finally move me...
motorcycle diaries
before sunrise

UMd Stats Conference...

I hate meeting people at conferences...
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I'm in this strange pageant where the only people present are some beautiful model-like but insecure women, me, and a judge who is also our trainer. We go through our training and tricks involving some kind of acrobatics, and the judge proclaims me "Miss USA." I'm surprised, but not that surprised... I tell the judge that I thought it was funny to get picked because I never even got to hang out with gorgeous people like the other models, and here I am getting judged the best. She thinks I'm being insecure and starts to reassure me, but I tell her I don't need to be. And I don't, because I know that I'm just the coolest, most intelligent, etc. person and I totally deserved it.
Ted and I are walking in front of a bank after that happened, looking in. Somehow I have privileges to something with the bank officer, but I forget what happened ... Then I'm in a car with Dad and I tell him I'm Miss USA. "Are you sure ?!" he said. He couldn't believe it because I never even told him about the pageant.
Then Ted, me and a guide are driving around on an island, perhaps a small one off of Hawaii. We stop and Ted decides to walk out and dig a tunnel into the sand with his feet. Meanwhile I notice that the tide is coming in. I realize that the sand is really volcanic ash... we are on an island that is actually a volcano all around. I tell them so. The guide confirms this. The water is coming in really fast, and the guide says he thinks there's a big storm driving the water in. I start to panic, and I called to Ted to stop digging, to hurry into the car so we can get off the edge of the island toward the safer parts... dream ends.

2nd Date w/Dave -

LOTR Extended edition @ his place
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We were in 2 classrooms and in one of them teachers were preparing, meaning they were putting on clothes, skirts, etc. In the classroom next door was a group of students waiting for the teacher. Dave walked into the classroom and saw that there was no teacher, and asked where the teacher was ( or was that me?)

Texas - Work Takes Over My Life

getting a vintage desk
find that it has sewing machine that i didn't know about at first. serendipitous becuase i had a sewing machine at home that didn't work but wanted to use anyway, but i have to get a part and i was undecided about doing that or selling it and buying a new one.

Dating Games

I thought we were having another date on Wednesday, but it didn't happen. I was so sad and Bobby said he was concerned that I feel able to tolerate abuse or neglectful behavior for hope of connection and love...
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Dave Michel wrote me back saying the apt was messed up by the dog and he didn't want me to see that. It was in the Bulk email box. I showed it to Bobby who interpreted the email for me.

Simone had some nets in the beach. I wanted to go drag them out because they weren't supposed to be there. A big fish was caught in the net. I brought it to the street in front of her house, and smashed it dead with my foot. I called her to come down and to let her know about it and help me bring it to her place. She took a while, seemed she was resistant to look at the fish and was reserved in my jubilance at how big the fish was. But Bobby and she finally came down to help me. I wanted to get gloves so I could handle it and not get slimy. I found some in the lobby.

Date w/Irfan

(Dream) We were driving up broadway in his car. I was sitting in the back w/2 guy friends of ours. Irfan announces he is really way too tired to drive us back. So I get out of the car and try to flag some cabs. It's really hard because they keep passing me by or someone else steals them. I ask Irfan for some cash, and he gives me a $20. The other 2 stay in the car for some reason, but I get out and keep flagging cabs. I get so pissed off and frustrated because 2 more cabs pass me by. The last one stopped then drove away just as I approached to open the door. Everyone was fighting over the cabs.

earliest memories

dad in pool
mom with swing
aunt's house w/gate and the cousins
boy with inside out eyelids

jill was showing me some tights she had bought - somehow i got the idea that she was pulling something over her mother. then i saw beautiful nadine on tv, and then her mother on tv with brother talking about or bragging about it. i see her later in a fancy designer boutique. she had gotten really big and fat, but carried herself in the same sexy, sultry european way she has, as if she were oblivious to her change.

No longer into partying

i was walking along a dirt path among tall cornfields. i came to a fork and kept walking, then realized i was a lost. a hispanic farm worker came along the path and told me i could find my way back if i just looked over the corn back toward the road. but the corn was too tall. so he led me to a spot where all the workers stayed. i met his family, a daughter of his, and felt at home. i started to feel like i was feeling attracted to the man who helped me, but he was married to a japanese woman. that made me feel happy because i didn't want to feel that attraction. but it made me feel as if he were like a father figure to me.

set in paris...

[ that day i had emailed libre, the book club, about my idea to to do a doc film on working women in the philippines. i also took a look at the fulbright applications on the web w/bobby in the evening. ]

i was in paris and went to visit sharon kim. paris was like venice for some reason; all the streets were under water. she had just gotten a tattered blue boat and i saw her driving it from below - not sure whether i was in a bridge or looking out a window, or what (you know how dreams are) . she waved at me gaily and i realized that the boat used to be my boat.

suddenly the streets are all paved again, and i'm wheeling around on some contraption with one wheel. a bunch of cute guys approach me and admire my wheels and my beauty. i flirted back, confidently.

after bobby (my best friend) moved in

i had just come back to my apartment after a long trip, and my roommate, not bobby but a different one, was there. a dog came and greeted me, a sweet-faced brown german shepherd (the european looking ones). different events ensued, and i realized that the dog was not there before my trip. he looked thin in his face, and sad, and i also realized that i had not fed the dog the whole week after i came back. i asked him if he was hungry and he nodded his head. so i wanted to go out and get him dog food, but it was late and all the stores were closed. i was distraught because i was afraid he might be in worse condition than i thought because i was not sure whether the roommate had fed him either. i didn't want him to die on me.

dream after love fest in miami

[this was in july - i've missed quite a few]

i'm with jay and we're with some other people in an old apartment, converting it to a gallery space in some hip but otherwise random town in nowhere. we're putting up walls and artwork. i look across the way and i see V humping some chick in the window. he is a pretty low-key guy so it was rather surprising.

my dream after a kinky exicc night

(starting in the meatpacking district, of course...)

my aunt, sinta, joey and i were at a hotel for some kind of a conference. mom was downstairs in the lobby doing things. we were leaving our hotel room and i realized i wanted to borrow joey's shoes because they went with my outfit. so i quickly grabbed them before we closed the door, intending to switch shoes.

joey rushed into the elevator before the doors shut, and in the rush, somehow one of her shoes fell through the space in the elevator door and fell all the way down the shaft. we went down to try to get the shoe, and i saw that a can of coke was down there too. we went to retrieve them. then later other things started falling down the elevator shaft too. my clothes, my bra, other lingerie.

my mom was down there and she was some kind a guru. people were going up to her and talking to her. she and i talked about how to get my stuff out of the elevator shaft.

my state after the breakup

or, amina (almost "anima"!)

i was with some iccers and in the attic we found amina m from holton - it was the first time we heard something up there. she was naked and dirty and i realized we hadn't seen her in three years - since a certain event (forgot what - but 3 yrs was how long i say i've been with j).

i was very concerned for her and talked with her to find out what had happened. she didn't remember but thought she had survived on eating the roof. i put her into bed, under clean sheets, as i tried to figure out what to do for her. she was much taller than i remembered.

i looked at anna leatherwood and some others and said we really needed to find a doctor. no one did anything but just looked at each other, having no idea what to do. i saw that i needed to take the lead. meanwhile amina was moaning and with just a traumatized and pained expression on her face. i felt a lot of compassion for her.

the real amina m at holton - what a story...