(starting in the meatpacking district, of course...)
my aunt, sinta, joey and i were at a hotel for some kind of a conference. mom was downstairs in the lobby doing things. we were leaving our hotel room and i realized i wanted to borrow joey's shoes because they went with my outfit. so i quickly grabbed them before we closed the door, intending to switch shoes.
joey rushed into the elevator before the doors shut, and in the rush, somehow one of her shoes fell through the space in the elevator door and fell all the way down the shaft. we went down to try to get the shoe, and i saw that a can of coke was down there too. we went to retrieve them. then later other things started falling down the elevator shaft too. my clothes, my bra, other lingerie.
my mom was down there and she was some kind a guru. people were going up to her and talking to her. she and i talked about how to get my stuff out of the elevator shaft.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
my state after the breakup
or, amina (almost "anima"!)
i was with some iccers and in the attic we found amina m from holton - it was the first time we heard something up there. she was naked and dirty and i realized we hadn't seen her in three years - since a certain event (forgot what - but 3 yrs was how long i say i've been with j).
i was very concerned for her and talked with her to find out what had happened. she didn't remember but thought she had survived on eating the roof. i put her into bed, under clean sheets, as i tried to figure out what to do for her. she was much taller than i remembered.
i looked at anna leatherwood and some others and said we really needed to find a doctor. no one did anything but just looked at each other, having no idea what to do. i saw that i needed to take the lead. meanwhile amina was moaning and with just a traumatized and pained expression on her face. i felt a lot of compassion for her.
the real amina m at holton - what a story...
i was with some iccers and in the attic we found amina m from holton - it was the first time we heard something up there. she was naked and dirty and i realized we hadn't seen her in three years - since a certain event (forgot what - but 3 yrs was how long i say i've been with j).
i was very concerned for her and talked with her to find out what had happened. she didn't remember but thought she had survived on eating the roof. i put her into bed, under clean sheets, as i tried to figure out what to do for her. she was much taller than i remembered.
i looked at anna leatherwood and some others and said we really needed to find a doctor. no one did anything but just looked at each other, having no idea what to do. i saw that i needed to take the lead. meanwhile amina was moaning and with just a traumatized and pained expression on her face. i felt a lot of compassion for her.
the real amina m at holton - what a story...
Monday, July 12, 2004
interpretation: you have to fight for yourself
i just spent the whole evening looking for either a new 2 bedroom to rent or a place to buy under 200k in manhattan. i'm just so tired of this place though i love my neighborhood. then i decided to stop by this blog and check out some of my old entries. as i read back on some of my dreams over the past few months (all the uncertainty, and the final breakup in May). then it hit me:
"you have to fight for yourself"
that's what dr. r said once. i know it was an interpretation. i thought all those dreams were about med school but now i'm realizing they are more than that. they are also about my emotional life and my relationship with jay. they are about a transformation that i have been resisting for some time.
dr. peck talks about "bracketing" in the road less traveled. that's when you allow a part of yourself to die off so that a part of yourself will grow. "pruning," a word tita m. used too. that definitely applies here.
it's amazing how things in life can come together yet could easily pass you by-
i just spent the whole evening looking for either a new 2 bedroom to rent or a place to buy under 200k in manhattan. i'm just so tired of this place though i love my neighborhood. then i decided to stop by this blog and check out some of my old entries. as i read back on some of my dreams over the past few months (all the uncertainty, and the final breakup in May). then it hit me:
"you have to fight for yourself"
that's what dr. r said once. i know it was an interpretation. i thought all those dreams were about med school but now i'm realizing they are more than that. they are also about my emotional life and my relationship with jay. they are about a transformation that i have been resisting for some time.
dr. peck talks about "bracketing" in the road less traveled. that's when you allow a part of yourself to die off so that a part of yourself will grow. "pruning," a word tita m. used too. that definitely applies here.
it's amazing how things in life can come together yet could easily pass you by-
Sunday, July 11, 2004
kara and me
kara got me a job offer in london that paid more than my job in nyc. so i took it and left that same day. i remember looking at london and seeing a metro with a very long escalator shaft. both sides were stuck and a man came along and said all we had to do was wipe off all this sticky stuff that had collected at the top and bottom. we did and then the escalators started running again.
so then we were in the office and sitting at a large table where everyone was having lunch (seemed to be the "office table" too where everyone did their work). we were having lunch on paper plates and i had a nice conversation with an older lady across from me. i remember thinking this was a great office environment and that i was going to like london even more than paris! kara seemed distracted.
we went looking for a studio and the lady showed me a hostel that had a semi-private room within a large group room. i told her i could afford a real studio. so we went to a run-down apartment building that had a small room as a studio. i walked by a man who was really handsome and he looked back at me.
i then found out that kara had her furniture and things taken from her because of some bizarre accusation that she was crazy. there was some kind of violation of her rights as an american that she couldn't fight now that she was on UK soil. she was trying to get some psychiatrists to fight for her. i said i knew some people.
i saw that she had similar hair to mine - a sort of shaggy brow cut like keira knightley's new hair. i looked back to the building where we were working and saw that it was an exact replica of our family's home in potomac. so i took a picture of it. i also took a picture of a butler who was standing in the balcony, who posed as i tried to get the picture just right.
kara's husband came along and further explained the frustrating situation. i said i could help out.
in the middle of this i remember freaking out that i left my old job so fast, and didn't even notify them i was leaving. i know i was supposed to send an email out to SRI, and though they wouldn't miss me during the day since i was supposed to do SPSS training, k would miss me at the end of the day because i was supposed to come back to the office then.
the next part of the dream
i was dj'ing some family party. mom and some old uncle were there and asking me to get the music going. i tried fiddling with the knobs on the board and keyboard but all that kept coming up was the news. mom became the old screaming mom from childhood, where she just got upset at me over something i couldn't help. i was really frustrated.
kara got me a job offer in london that paid more than my job in nyc. so i took it and left that same day. i remember looking at london and seeing a metro with a very long escalator shaft. both sides were stuck and a man came along and said all we had to do was wipe off all this sticky stuff that had collected at the top and bottom. we did and then the escalators started running again.
so then we were in the office and sitting at a large table where everyone was having lunch (seemed to be the "office table" too where everyone did their work). we were having lunch on paper plates and i had a nice conversation with an older lady across from me. i remember thinking this was a great office environment and that i was going to like london even more than paris! kara seemed distracted.
we went looking for a studio and the lady showed me a hostel that had a semi-private room within a large group room. i told her i could afford a real studio. so we went to a run-down apartment building that had a small room as a studio. i walked by a man who was really handsome and he looked back at me.
i then found out that kara had her furniture and things taken from her because of some bizarre accusation that she was crazy. there was some kind of violation of her rights as an american that she couldn't fight now that she was on UK soil. she was trying to get some psychiatrists to fight for her. i said i knew some people.
i saw that she had similar hair to mine - a sort of shaggy brow cut like keira knightley's new hair. i looked back to the building where we were working and saw that it was an exact replica of our family's home in potomac. so i took a picture of it. i also took a picture of a butler who was standing in the balcony, who posed as i tried to get the picture just right.
kara's husband came along and further explained the frustrating situation. i said i could help out.
in the middle of this i remember freaking out that i left my old job so fast, and didn't even notify them i was leaving. i know i was supposed to send an email out to SRI, and though they wouldn't miss me during the day since i was supposed to do SPSS training, k would miss me at the end of the day because i was supposed to come back to the office then.
the next part of the dream
i was dj'ing some family party. mom and some old uncle were there and asking me to get the music going. i tried fiddling with the knobs on the board and keyboard but all that kept coming up was the news. mom became the old screaming mom from childhood, where she just got upset at me over something i couldn't help. i was really frustrated.
a love story
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/story_pages/news/news1.shtml
EXCLUSIVE: Truth about 55-hour marriage
Britney was my sex-mad bride
By Jane Atkinson and Carole Aye Maung
BRITNEY SPEARS bedded her childhood sweetheart "like an animal", then wrecked his life with a 55-hour marriage that stunned the world. Now, in a world exclusive interview, husband Jason Alexander details every moment of the sex, the proposal, their Vegas wedding and his humiliation as furious family and lawyers prised them apart.
"We made love in her bed, her shower and her bath," said Jason, 22. "She asked me to marry her but when her lawyers demanded I end our marriage she didn't stop them—and it caused chaos in my life."
Jason revealed that Britney proposed to him as she lay naked in his arms. And she was so excited when he said "Yes", she rushed him down the aisle without stopping to put her knickers on. As he opened his heart, Jason also told how multi-millionairess Britney:
MADE LOVE to him so frantically that they fell off the bed.
PLAYED erotic sex games with him under a shower, but
SHUFFLED silent and shamefaced as her marriage was ended, and later,
CHANGED her mobile phone number so he couldn't even talk to her.
"I didn't tell the world about this before because I still hoped we'd get back together," said Jason. "But I now realise she won't come back to me."
Britney, also 22, is now planning to marry new fiance Keith Federline, 26, after he left his heavily-pregnant partner Shar Jackson.
Thong
But Jason, who grew up with Britney in Kentwood, Louisiana, knows no marriage will be as bizarre as the one he went through. Taking up the story of the days before their wedding last January, he recalled:
"Even though she'd made it big, she still came back to Kentwood. We'd kissed but that's as far as it had gone.
"Then, last Christmas Eve she came up to my place and asked if I wanted to go to Las Vegas for the New Year with some of her friends. I said yes."
Once in Vegas, Britney paid for them all to stay in the MTV-themed Real World suite at the Palms Casino Hotel.
"We all went out to a lobster dinner and Britney looked sensational in jeans and a black halter-neck top," he said.
It was 4am by the time they went back to their hotel suite and made love for the first time.
"We knew what was going to happen," he said. "Britney started stripping off her clothes as she walked into the suite. Then we started kissing.
"She got down to just her black thong and a see-through lace bra. I've never seen a woman look more stunning.
Moans
"I wanted to make love to her and she wasn't shy in showing what she wanted. We started off in the bedroom kissing. She was good at that—she was good at everything. She was an animal in bed.
"We were both hot so I led her into the bathroom. There was a huge shower head that sent water down on to us as though it was rain. We stripped off competely and got into the shower and Britney performed oral sex on me as the water ran down over both of us.
"Afterwards I led her back into the bedroom. At first she was on top of me and then I was on top. We did it every way you could. But it wasn't cheap. I really cared about her and it felt right.
"At times she was noisy. She didn't call me any names, she just moaned. We didn't use any precautions either."
After sex they fell asleep in each other's arms.
"I woke up and was really aroused again," said Jason. "Britney was asleep but when I tried it on with her she didn't hold back. She said she wanted to be with me and I told her I wanted to be with her.
"She said she wanted me to go with her on tour. I thought she was vulnerable and wanted to take care of her."
During the day, Britney and her friends went to the hotel spa while Jason chatted with her bodyguards.
"When she got back I was in the bath," he said. "She came in, stripped off and got into the tub with me. First we were scrubbing each other. Then she got on top of me and we had sex. She was a natural, with the most fantastic a*** I've ever felt. She was proud of her body and she often just wandered around with nothing on."
The following night it was off to Planet Hollywood for dinner.
He said: "Britney wanted to stay out and I wanted to go to bed, so she made me promise that if I made love to her all night we could go back to the room.
"The sex was mind-blowing and rough. We did it in every position you could think of. It was so wild we managed to fall off the bed together."
There was more sex the next night. "This time I remember she was wearing a beautiful purple and pink set of underwear," said Jason. "Afterwards, we were chatting in bed, cuddled up and naked, saying we didn't want the trip to end when she said, ‘I want to ask you something but I don't know how to'.
"I told her she could ask me anything. She acted really shy and said, ‘Will you marry me?'
"I said yes and she jumped out of bed, flung her jeans on and yelled, ‘Let's do it now'. She was ecstatic. She didn't even put her panties on in the rush as she slipped on her jeans. We ran downstairs and jumped into the hotel limo. I'll never forget saying, ‘Take us to the nearest chapel—we're getting married'."
What happened next—in the early hours of Saturday, January 3—left her millions of fans agog.
"The first chapel open was The Little White Chapel," added Jason. "We were kissing and holding hands. We knew we were doing the right thing.
"When we got there they said we needed a marriage licence so we had to go to a court house that was open 24 hours.
"As we walked in a couple pointed at Britney and said, ‘You look just like that girl off the TV that sings'. I turned round and said, ‘Do you really think that chick would marry a man like me?'
"Britney and I giggled our heads off. We got the certificate and rushed back to the chapel. I paid the 700 dollars for the best package they could do. Britney picked it. We had flowers, video, a photographer, a pianist and a registrar. I said she should walk down the aisle on her own but Britney wanted to be traditional and so she asked the limo driver if he'd do the honour.
"I think he was a bit gobsmacked, but he did it.
I remember her walking towards me and we looked into each other's eyes. We knew there was something special between us. As we said our vows we held hands, it meant a lot to both of us.
"The registrar said I could kiss the bride and it was the most special kiss of my life.
"She kept saying how happy she was but when we got back to the room her friends didn't congratulate us, they just looked shocked."
The newlyweds went into their suite and celebrated with Cristal champagne and talked about a honeymoon to the Carribean island of Nevis.
Jason added: "I remember saying, ‘Your name isn't Spears now, it's Alexander'. We had a spiritual connection. We knew we should be together.
"We'd married just after 4am and by 7am we knew we had to phone our families. It was horrendous.
"Britney phoned her mum and I heard Lynne screaming back at her. She went nuts.
Shattered
"Her brother rang and I spoke to him. He talked about annulment. I didn't know what the word meant so I didn't say anything.
"I rang my dad and at least he was fine. Britney told me to ignore her family and wanted us to run away on honeymoon straight away but we were so shattered we went to bed."
Neither the bride nor the groom had any idea of the storm that was about to engulf them.
Peck to passion
BRITNEY and Jason first met in Kentwood when they were both four. Her mum Lynne ran the local Little Rod pre-school. Jason smiled: "There was a group of us that met up and would play together and go down to Hyde Park, a waterhole where we'd swim." When Britney (pictured right at eight) joined TV's Mickey Mouse Club then became a singer Jason saw less of her but they still met up at least twice a year.
"When she came home we'd all get together," he explained. "I remember seeing her in the summer of 2000. She was with Justin Timberlake in the gym. I didn't speak to him but she came over and we chatted."
In October 2002 Britney returned to Kentwood. "This time we went to stay with her cousin in Baton Rouge and that's when we kissed for the first time," he said. "We were talking in her room and she kissed me softly. Then she straddled me and started kissing more passionately. I thought about sex but didn't pursue it, even though she wasn't with Justin then."
Last Christmas, Britney was back in town. She, Jason and a few pals persuaded a local club owner to open just for them.
"We played some of Britney's songs," he said. "And she danced with the rest of us.
"Later she came on to me again and kissed me. She has the most seductive puppy-dog eyes when she flirts with you.
"That's when she invited me to Vegas."
And his life would never be the same again.
-----------------------------
[inset]
RED HOT: 'She was a great lover'
THAT'S TORN IT: The newly weds
STILL HURTING: Jason today
PLENTY OF BED-ROOM: Real suite
DOORS TO LOVE: White Chapel
IN THE PINK: Britney cavorts on a beach. 'I'll remember our wedding night sex for ever' says Jason
Her family kicked me out of her life
NEW bride Britney and her husband Jason consummated their marriage with "amazing" lovemaking—just minutes before her furious family barged in to wreck their lives as husband and wife. And as the Spears cosseted Britney, Jason was kicked out of her life with the sneering indignity of an economy-class ticket back to his home town.
"That first time we made love in our hotel suite as a married couple was amazing," he said. "It was more special and sensual than before.
"I'll remember it for the rest of my life. There was more emotion than we had felt, more connection.
"We didn't really have to strip off because Britney didn't have any underwear on.
Ruin
"It wasn't just sex, it was really deep. Afterwards we fell asleep in each other's arms."
But they awoke with a start to hammering on the door.
Jason explained: "Her brother was there with all her people. He whisked Britney into another suite and I was left with the rest of them.
"The Spears family and her business team were taking over our marriage. It happened so quickly. Next her lawyers walked in.
"Britney and her brother came back in and he said we couldn't be married, it was wrong. Then one of her team said I was ruining her career, that her tour would be wrecked and her ticket sales lost. Britney and I just stood on different sides of the room and didn't speak to each other.
"They spread a load of papers on the desk and said if I cared about Britney I'd sign them.
"It was unreal, I wanted the best for her, I wanted to be married to her, but it was as though they were just taking everything over. I was on my own. Britney didn't say anything.
"I just looked at her, she looked away, then I signed them, I didn't know what I was signing. My dad wasn't there.
"The only person I cared about in that room was Britney and they said if I didn't sign it, I was ruining her career. I had no choice and Britney didn't stop me. I signed them under duress."
The annulment papers stated Britney "lacked understanding of her actions...They did not know each other's likes and dislikes, each other's desire to have or not have children, and each other's desires as to the state of residency."
The papers added that the newlyweds realised they were incompatible.
Crying
The annulment officially took place on Monday, January 5. By then they had been married for 55 hours. But that night, convinced he could still save some part of his now ex-wife, Jason went to the dinner from hell with Britney, her brother, her friends and her staff. "It was awful," he said.
"I sat down next to her, she was crying. Everyone else was laughing about what we had done as though it was a big joke. We were treated like kids.
"I was hurt that she didn't stand up and say she wanted to be married to me. Her mum kept on ringing and saying we were acting like 12-year-olds. It was horrible.
"Towards the end of the meal her brother came over with a plane ticket and said I had to go home.
"Britney gave me a hug and a kiss and that was it."
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/story_pages/news/news1.shtml
EXCLUSIVE: Truth about 55-hour marriage
Britney was my sex-mad bride
By Jane Atkinson and Carole Aye Maung
BRITNEY SPEARS bedded her childhood sweetheart "like an animal", then wrecked his life with a 55-hour marriage that stunned the world. Now, in a world exclusive interview, husband Jason Alexander details every moment of the sex, the proposal, their Vegas wedding and his humiliation as furious family and lawyers prised them apart.
"We made love in her bed, her shower and her bath," said Jason, 22. "She asked me to marry her but when her lawyers demanded I end our marriage she didn't stop them—and it caused chaos in my life."
Jason revealed that Britney proposed to him as she lay naked in his arms. And she was so excited when he said "Yes", she rushed him down the aisle without stopping to put her knickers on. As he opened his heart, Jason also told how multi-millionairess Britney:
MADE LOVE to him so frantically that they fell off the bed.
PLAYED erotic sex games with him under a shower, but
SHUFFLED silent and shamefaced as her marriage was ended, and later,
CHANGED her mobile phone number so he couldn't even talk to her.
"I didn't tell the world about this before because I still hoped we'd get back together," said Jason. "But I now realise she won't come back to me."
Britney, also 22, is now planning to marry new fiance Keith Federline, 26, after he left his heavily-pregnant partner Shar Jackson.
Thong
But Jason, who grew up with Britney in Kentwood, Louisiana, knows no marriage will be as bizarre as the one he went through. Taking up the story of the days before their wedding last January, he recalled:
"Even though she'd made it big, she still came back to Kentwood. We'd kissed but that's as far as it had gone.
"Then, last Christmas Eve she came up to my place and asked if I wanted to go to Las Vegas for the New Year with some of her friends. I said yes."
Once in Vegas, Britney paid for them all to stay in the MTV-themed Real World suite at the Palms Casino Hotel.
"We all went out to a lobster dinner and Britney looked sensational in jeans and a black halter-neck top," he said.
It was 4am by the time they went back to their hotel suite and made love for the first time.
"We knew what was going to happen," he said. "Britney started stripping off her clothes as she walked into the suite. Then we started kissing.
"She got down to just her black thong and a see-through lace bra. I've never seen a woman look more stunning.
Moans
"I wanted to make love to her and she wasn't shy in showing what she wanted. We started off in the bedroom kissing. She was good at that—she was good at everything. She was an animal in bed.
"We were both hot so I led her into the bathroom. There was a huge shower head that sent water down on to us as though it was rain. We stripped off competely and got into the shower and Britney performed oral sex on me as the water ran down over both of us.
"Afterwards I led her back into the bedroom. At first she was on top of me and then I was on top. We did it every way you could. But it wasn't cheap. I really cared about her and it felt right.
"At times she was noisy. She didn't call me any names, she just moaned. We didn't use any precautions either."
After sex they fell asleep in each other's arms.
"I woke up and was really aroused again," said Jason. "Britney was asleep but when I tried it on with her she didn't hold back. She said she wanted to be with me and I told her I wanted to be with her.
"She said she wanted me to go with her on tour. I thought she was vulnerable and wanted to take care of her."
During the day, Britney and her friends went to the hotel spa while Jason chatted with her bodyguards.
"When she got back I was in the bath," he said. "She came in, stripped off and got into the tub with me. First we were scrubbing each other. Then she got on top of me and we had sex. She was a natural, with the most fantastic a*** I've ever felt. She was proud of her body and she often just wandered around with nothing on."
The following night it was off to Planet Hollywood for dinner.
He said: "Britney wanted to stay out and I wanted to go to bed, so she made me promise that if I made love to her all night we could go back to the room.
"The sex was mind-blowing and rough. We did it in every position you could think of. It was so wild we managed to fall off the bed together."
There was more sex the next night. "This time I remember she was wearing a beautiful purple and pink set of underwear," said Jason. "Afterwards, we were chatting in bed, cuddled up and naked, saying we didn't want the trip to end when she said, ‘I want to ask you something but I don't know how to'.
"I told her she could ask me anything. She acted really shy and said, ‘Will you marry me?'
"I said yes and she jumped out of bed, flung her jeans on and yelled, ‘Let's do it now'. She was ecstatic. She didn't even put her panties on in the rush as she slipped on her jeans. We ran downstairs and jumped into the hotel limo. I'll never forget saying, ‘Take us to the nearest chapel—we're getting married'."
What happened next—in the early hours of Saturday, January 3—left her millions of fans agog.
"The first chapel open was The Little White Chapel," added Jason. "We were kissing and holding hands. We knew we were doing the right thing.
"When we got there they said we needed a marriage licence so we had to go to a court house that was open 24 hours.
"As we walked in a couple pointed at Britney and said, ‘You look just like that girl off the TV that sings'. I turned round and said, ‘Do you really think that chick would marry a man like me?'
"Britney and I giggled our heads off. We got the certificate and rushed back to the chapel. I paid the 700 dollars for the best package they could do. Britney picked it. We had flowers, video, a photographer, a pianist and a registrar. I said she should walk down the aisle on her own but Britney wanted to be traditional and so she asked the limo driver if he'd do the honour.
"I think he was a bit gobsmacked, but he did it.
I remember her walking towards me and we looked into each other's eyes. We knew there was something special between us. As we said our vows we held hands, it meant a lot to both of us.
"The registrar said I could kiss the bride and it was the most special kiss of my life.
"She kept saying how happy she was but when we got back to the room her friends didn't congratulate us, they just looked shocked."
The newlyweds went into their suite and celebrated with Cristal champagne and talked about a honeymoon to the Carribean island of Nevis.
Jason added: "I remember saying, ‘Your name isn't Spears now, it's Alexander'. We had a spiritual connection. We knew we should be together.
"We'd married just after 4am and by 7am we knew we had to phone our families. It was horrendous.
"Britney phoned her mum and I heard Lynne screaming back at her. She went nuts.
Shattered
"Her brother rang and I spoke to him. He talked about annulment. I didn't know what the word meant so I didn't say anything.
"I rang my dad and at least he was fine. Britney told me to ignore her family and wanted us to run away on honeymoon straight away but we were so shattered we went to bed."
Neither the bride nor the groom had any idea of the storm that was about to engulf them.
Peck to passion
BRITNEY and Jason first met in Kentwood when they were both four. Her mum Lynne ran the local Little Rod pre-school. Jason smiled: "There was a group of us that met up and would play together and go down to Hyde Park, a waterhole where we'd swim." When Britney (pictured right at eight) joined TV's Mickey Mouse Club then became a singer Jason saw less of her but they still met up at least twice a year.
"When she came home we'd all get together," he explained. "I remember seeing her in the summer of 2000. She was with Justin Timberlake in the gym. I didn't speak to him but she came over and we chatted."
In October 2002 Britney returned to Kentwood. "This time we went to stay with her cousin in Baton Rouge and that's when we kissed for the first time," he said. "We were talking in her room and she kissed me softly. Then she straddled me and started kissing more passionately. I thought about sex but didn't pursue it, even though she wasn't with Justin then."
Last Christmas, Britney was back in town. She, Jason and a few pals persuaded a local club owner to open just for them.
"We played some of Britney's songs," he said. "And she danced with the rest of us.
"Later she came on to me again and kissed me. She has the most seductive puppy-dog eyes when she flirts with you.
"That's when she invited me to Vegas."
And his life would never be the same again.
-----------------------------
[inset]
RED HOT: 'She was a great lover'
THAT'S TORN IT: The newly weds
STILL HURTING: Jason today
PLENTY OF BED-ROOM: Real suite
DOORS TO LOVE: White Chapel
IN THE PINK: Britney cavorts on a beach. 'I'll remember our wedding night sex for ever' says Jason
Her family kicked me out of her life
NEW bride Britney and her husband Jason consummated their marriage with "amazing" lovemaking—just minutes before her furious family barged in to wreck their lives as husband and wife. And as the Spears cosseted Britney, Jason was kicked out of her life with the sneering indignity of an economy-class ticket back to his home town.
"That first time we made love in our hotel suite as a married couple was amazing," he said. "It was more special and sensual than before.
"I'll remember it for the rest of my life. There was more emotion than we had felt, more connection.
"We didn't really have to strip off because Britney didn't have any underwear on.
Ruin
"It wasn't just sex, it was really deep. Afterwards we fell asleep in each other's arms."
But they awoke with a start to hammering on the door.
Jason explained: "Her brother was there with all her people. He whisked Britney into another suite and I was left with the rest of them.
"The Spears family and her business team were taking over our marriage. It happened so quickly. Next her lawyers walked in.
"Britney and her brother came back in and he said we couldn't be married, it was wrong. Then one of her team said I was ruining her career, that her tour would be wrecked and her ticket sales lost. Britney and I just stood on different sides of the room and didn't speak to each other.
"They spread a load of papers on the desk and said if I cared about Britney I'd sign them.
"It was unreal, I wanted the best for her, I wanted to be married to her, but it was as though they were just taking everything over. I was on my own. Britney didn't say anything.
"I just looked at her, she looked away, then I signed them, I didn't know what I was signing. My dad wasn't there.
"The only person I cared about in that room was Britney and they said if I didn't sign it, I was ruining her career. I had no choice and Britney didn't stop me. I signed them under duress."
The annulment papers stated Britney "lacked understanding of her actions...They did not know each other's likes and dislikes, each other's desire to have or not have children, and each other's desires as to the state of residency."
The papers added that the newlyweds realised they were incompatible.
Crying
The annulment officially took place on Monday, January 5. By then they had been married for 55 hours. But that night, convinced he could still save some part of his now ex-wife, Jason went to the dinner from hell with Britney, her brother, her friends and her staff. "It was awful," he said.
"I sat down next to her, she was crying. Everyone else was laughing about what we had done as though it was a big joke. We were treated like kids.
"I was hurt that she didn't stand up and say she wanted to be married to me. Her mum kept on ringing and saying we were acting like 12-year-olds. It was horrible.
"Towards the end of the meal her brother came over with a plane ticket and said I had to go home.
"Britney gave me a hug and a kiss and that was it."
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Thoughts while on Amtrak, after Paris
We're almost in NYC and I'm staring at the infrastructure of NJ marveling at how uniformly ugly bridges and roads and the other things they put over lakes and hills and pastures are all over the world. I just saw the same scene in Paris, and you could repeat it in Hong Kong, Manila, Italy.
We are going past a bridge in New Jersey. How long will it stay up? When it is ready to come down in a century or so, will they take pictures of it? If they care enough about it I'm sure the city will send a photographer to take shots of it and a local historian to dig up stories about the bridge and make a whole show of it. Though when it really comes down to it, no one really gave a damn about that ugly old bridge until it came down.
Now I'm thinking about a foldable roof that collapses and expands over us like a gigantic bell jar, as wide and large as a town.
We're almost in NYC and I'm staring at the infrastructure of NJ marveling at how uniformly ugly bridges and roads and the other things they put over lakes and hills and pastures are all over the world. I just saw the same scene in Paris, and you could repeat it in Hong Kong, Manila, Italy.
We are going past a bridge in New Jersey. How long will it stay up? When it is ready to come down in a century or so, will they take pictures of it? If they care enough about it I'm sure the city will send a photographer to take shots of it and a local historian to dig up stories about the bridge and make a whole show of it. Though when it really comes down to it, no one really gave a damn about that ugly old bridge until it came down.
Now I'm thinking about a foldable roof that collapses and expands over us like a gigantic bell jar, as wide and large as a town.
Friday, June 18, 2004
I'm on Trading Spaces with Bobby. He is standing in the middle of my room, directing someone to do something. Later I see mom setting the table somewhere. All of a sudden I am applying to college, writing upbeat essays (I wrote a very depressing one for undergrad). Then mom tells me she has money to give me for an apartment - $2 Million. So we start calling up agents, and asking others if they have happen to have a list of agents they could recommend us. We see some interesting places that look rather gothic, made of stone, in the center of a town. Then I found out Carlito from the church is now a real estate agent.I was embarrassed to call him but did anyway. He shows us some apartments on the fringe of town.
I'm petting and massaging a pug. But it is a quite large for a pug though he is lying on my lap. The pug jumps off of me - because he's too big to pet, he is uncomfortable w/my massage.
I am looking at a 15 year old boy wait in line. He sees me from afar, and recognizes me as his soul mate. We fall in love. His mother is there. Then we're talking in their family's kitchen. The mother is upset with me and reveals to the boy that I am too old for him. The boy turns to me for confirmation and I say my age. I tell him he must wait until he's of age. He says he'll wait for me. Later he keeps his promise.
I am in a Holton parking lot later, not sure why.
I'm petting and massaging a pug. But it is a quite large for a pug though he is lying on my lap. The pug jumps off of me - because he's too big to pet, he is uncomfortable w/my massage.
I am looking at a 15 year old boy wait in line. He sees me from afar, and recognizes me as his soul mate. We fall in love. His mother is there. Then we're talking in their family's kitchen. The mother is upset with me and reveals to the boy that I am too old for him. The boy turns to me for confirmation and I say my age. I tell him he must wait until he's of age. He says he'll wait for me. Later he keeps his promise.
I am in a Holton parking lot later, not sure why.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
disney world & britney dream
mom and tita marilou had tickets to go see to a Britney Spears concert at disney world. they went ahead and grabbed the seats. jj and i went to join them and took an elevator up - it was many floors. when we got there, tita m and mom were waiting in line and we realized we left dad and ted behind. jj was annoyed because we had wasted so much time already.
we got back to the elevator banks but when the doors opened we saw that there was a river. people were getting on wooden rafts and other vehicles. i got into a big round raft that had a foot of water in it and 30 people already sitting in it. but the water didn't touch me - it was frozen, like gel, at my feet. then one of the guy passengers decided to try and flip the raft over for fun. i was pissed. when we all flipped into the water, i grabbed the raft and held on to it. one of the guys asked me if i did not know how to swim, and i said of course i did, but that it was stupid to flip the raft. i was very annoyed.
finally we're all back at the theater. mom and tita m had decided to take some better, empty seats. mom and i got to sit together while jj, dad, tita m and ted kept looking for seats. i was happy to be sitting with mom.
mom and tita marilou had tickets to go see to a Britney Spears concert at disney world. they went ahead and grabbed the seats. jj and i went to join them and took an elevator up - it was many floors. when we got there, tita m and mom were waiting in line and we realized we left dad and ted behind. jj was annoyed because we had wasted so much time already.
we got back to the elevator banks but when the doors opened we saw that there was a river. people were getting on wooden rafts and other vehicles. i got into a big round raft that had a foot of water in it and 30 people already sitting in it. but the water didn't touch me - it was frozen, like gel, at my feet. then one of the guy passengers decided to try and flip the raft over for fun. i was pissed. when we all flipped into the water, i grabbed the raft and held on to it. one of the guys asked me if i did not know how to swim, and i said of course i did, but that it was stupid to flip the raft. i was very annoyed.
finally we're all back at the theater. mom and tita m had decided to take some better, empty seats. mom and i got to sit together while jj, dad, tita m and ted kept looking for seats. i was happy to be sitting with mom.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
the plant dream (from nov 20th)
Some men were building a garden where I grew up. They dug a big pit that used to be a house, and I saw a room in it with some friends right before the dig. it was part of Holton, my old school. They filled the pit with sand and offered us to be part of it if we contributed something. I decide to go buy more sand for my portion, and caught a ride with some guys in a big truck to the garden. I see some children prancing down the garden with tools and plants to grow in the sand. I get annoyed because of that, and because the workers say I should have brought my own plants like the children, not more sand because they have tons of that. Plus I can't catch a ride home with them b/c they're busy with the garden. It's too long a walk home.
Later I dream of just having my own tomato plant in my kitchen. It grows really nicely. It looks so cute and pretty in my kitchen, and I'm excited that I can eat my own tomatoes because I use and eat them in all kinds of favorite foods. I see a worm on a plate wriggling, nowhere near the tomato. I smash it with my tomato and wash it off. I think about buying more seeds, but of the nice chic variety from the market on 77th. Then I look at my tomato plant and see a hot pepper plant in place of it. It's wierd because I never wanted a pepper plant in the first place. I have no use for it, never cook with it. It has no fruit on it, but instead has the roots coming out of the soil (like my orchid now). I pull on stems buried in the soil, thinking I can make the plant look better, and instead i'm surprised when they turn out to be roots. As they come out, the parts that were buried are covered with tomato sauce. I'm confused because I'm wondering why it has to come out like that. Now I have messed up the plant and it looks ugly and jacked, not cute or pretty.
-My interpretation: I think the sand garden is my past, and my buying more sand is my not getting over bitterness about that past, simply wanting to add more "sand" rather than growing from the past. It's frustrating and useless. The fruit is about my future. I could choose to do something that will be incredibly fruitful, so much that I can smash undesirable things that attempt to stop me. Nothing will stop me. Or I could choose to do something I don't want to really do, and at the roots of that effort will only be a little bit of the things I really love to do. And it will not bear any fruit, although it will still be a strong plant otherwise.
Interesting that susan said the trials from the past few years will contribute to my future in helping somehow.
Some men were building a garden where I grew up. They dug a big pit that used to be a house, and I saw a room in it with some friends right before the dig. it was part of Holton, my old school. They filled the pit with sand and offered us to be part of it if we contributed something. I decide to go buy more sand for my portion, and caught a ride with some guys in a big truck to the garden. I see some children prancing down the garden with tools and plants to grow in the sand. I get annoyed because of that, and because the workers say I should have brought my own plants like the children, not more sand because they have tons of that. Plus I can't catch a ride home with them b/c they're busy with the garden. It's too long a walk home.
Later I dream of just having my own tomato plant in my kitchen. It grows really nicely. It looks so cute and pretty in my kitchen, and I'm excited that I can eat my own tomatoes because I use and eat them in all kinds of favorite foods. I see a worm on a plate wriggling, nowhere near the tomato. I smash it with my tomato and wash it off. I think about buying more seeds, but of the nice chic variety from the market on 77th. Then I look at my tomato plant and see a hot pepper plant in place of it. It's wierd because I never wanted a pepper plant in the first place. I have no use for it, never cook with it. It has no fruit on it, but instead has the roots coming out of the soil (like my orchid now). I pull on stems buried in the soil, thinking I can make the plant look better, and instead i'm surprised when they turn out to be roots. As they come out, the parts that were buried are covered with tomato sauce. I'm confused because I'm wondering why it has to come out like that. Now I have messed up the plant and it looks ugly and jacked, not cute or pretty.
-My interpretation: I think the sand garden is my past, and my buying more sand is my not getting over bitterness about that past, simply wanting to add more "sand" rather than growing from the past. It's frustrating and useless. The fruit is about my future. I could choose to do something that will be incredibly fruitful, so much that I can smash undesirable things that attempt to stop me. Nothing will stop me. Or I could choose to do something I don't want to really do, and at the roots of that effort will only be a little bit of the things I really love to do. And it will not bear any fruit, although it will still be a strong plant otherwise.
Interesting that susan said the trials from the past few years will contribute to my future in helping somehow.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
rainbow way
i was hanging with this girl who was a filipina jenny bates. she was the daughter of the filipino president, some man, who i was talking with about various things. all while we were bullshitting jenny kept looking more and more overwhelmed.
we went back to my friend's place, where she had this colorful pad full of crazy knick knacks. it felt like a druggy dorm room. jenny told me that she was freaking out because she couldn't find the things we were saying inspiring - instead she saw kept seeing ghosts and other spiritual things. i said that i dealt with them by seeing them as simply humans but without bodies, who were really just like you or me.
she went out of the room to where my friend nicola was hanging out. nicola rushed into the room and told me how she had a "rainbow way" with my friend moses and some japanese girls. they had met up at some new year's eve party, while i had been sitting alone chilling at home (j was away performing). she asked me i knew what that "rainbow way" was but of course it was obvious. she also told me how one of the club performers, dressed in red vinyl, warned that she would gross her out, and she dragged nicola under a table and said "i love your ass!" smacking her on the butt. well of course nicola thought that was not gross at all - she thought it was hilarious. so she did the same thing to her.
we walked back into the room and jenny was wrapped up in blankets on some chairs, shaking. i touched her head then walked back to nicola, giving the "she's crazy" sign. nicola yelled, "thank you!" the end.
i was hanging with this girl who was a filipina jenny bates. she was the daughter of the filipino president, some man, who i was talking with about various things. all while we were bullshitting jenny kept looking more and more overwhelmed.
we went back to my friend's place, where she had this colorful pad full of crazy knick knacks. it felt like a druggy dorm room. jenny told me that she was freaking out because she couldn't find the things we were saying inspiring - instead she saw kept seeing ghosts and other spiritual things. i said that i dealt with them by seeing them as simply humans but without bodies, who were really just like you or me.
she went out of the room to where my friend nicola was hanging out. nicola rushed into the room and told me how she had a "rainbow way" with my friend moses and some japanese girls. they had met up at some new year's eve party, while i had been sitting alone chilling at home (j was away performing). she asked me i knew what that "rainbow way" was but of course it was obvious. she also told me how one of the club performers, dressed in red vinyl, warned that she would gross her out, and she dragged nicola under a table and said "i love your ass!" smacking her on the butt. well of course nicola thought that was not gross at all - she thought it was hilarious. so she did the same thing to her.
we walked back into the room and jenny was wrapped up in blankets on some chairs, shaking. i touched her head then walked back to nicola, giving the "she's crazy" sign. nicola yelled, "thank you!" the end.
Saturday, February 28, 2004
very interesting, j
j was in a hotel conference room watching a film with a group of people from a hospital. this old middle eastern guy gets wheeled in on a gurney, and j notices he's buck naked with everything hanging out. j also noticed that the guy's genitals were rather large.
j thought that the guy might have some kind of legitimate problem, like perhaps his skin was too sensitive to be covered with sheets. then the guy's thing started growing larger and larger. as it did he made all these lewd comments to the women there and laughing at everyone.
then it shifted to later on... everyone was saying, "did you hear about when the police came to arrest him? he jizzed all over them!!!"
(j and i were cracking up hilariously at the last part all morning)
j was in a hotel conference room watching a film with a group of people from a hospital. this old middle eastern guy gets wheeled in on a gurney, and j notices he's buck naked with everything hanging out. j also noticed that the guy's genitals were rather large.
j thought that the guy might have some kind of legitimate problem, like perhaps his skin was too sensitive to be covered with sheets. then the guy's thing started growing larger and larger. as it did he made all these lewd comments to the women there and laughing at everyone.
then it shifted to later on... everyone was saying, "did you hear about when the police came to arrest him? he jizzed all over them!!!"
(j and i were cracking up hilariously at the last part all morning)
Sunday, February 22, 2004
movie
i was dating a mafia guy and he asked me to climb a tower holding a spring tension rod. he was trying to save his father and somehow this was vital to saving the guy. there were a few small metal rings that kept falling out, so i put them on my fingers, all while holding onto this antenna on top of the tower, a fists' grasp from death. i was wearing a white gown. i was also in a movie theater at the same time, and could see four screens showing me on the tower as part of the movie. i looked down and it looked like thousand of feet down but i told myself that it was a set and that it was in fact only about twenty feet with a green screen, although i knew it was actually real and i could die - i was swaying in the wind, in cold and rainy weather. i maintained my calm though it was difficult. then dream switches to perspective an average white guy viewer in the theater, and he is talking to the director of the movie. director says he talk to him at any time about the movie and the viewer is pretty psyched about it.
jj
we received these nice looking but actually cheap casio watches from mom. jj was really excited about them and i pretended to be but i was cynical and thought they were copies. we programmed addresses and notes into the watches as they were similar to those old casio organizers. then i looked at the watch and saw they were FAKE casios, saying "CAS E/I O" on them. i pointed them out to jj and a friend. jj got infuriated. i tried then to show that i actually lost my data, which i hadn't but i was pretending. the friend was getting convinced but jj was just still angry. so i tried to understand why and then he practically wanted to beat him up. so i explained that i wasn't needling him, but just trying to understand, and that i thought he was angry because ted and i were always giving him our cast-off toys and not anything new. that calmed him down a lot, but he explained it was not that, and that there was more to his anger than i had explained of it.
i was dating a mafia guy and he asked me to climb a tower holding a spring tension rod. he was trying to save his father and somehow this was vital to saving the guy. there were a few small metal rings that kept falling out, so i put them on my fingers, all while holding onto this antenna on top of the tower, a fists' grasp from death. i was wearing a white gown. i was also in a movie theater at the same time, and could see four screens showing me on the tower as part of the movie. i looked down and it looked like thousand of feet down but i told myself that it was a set and that it was in fact only about twenty feet with a green screen, although i knew it was actually real and i could die - i was swaying in the wind, in cold and rainy weather. i maintained my calm though it was difficult. then dream switches to perspective an average white guy viewer in the theater, and he is talking to the director of the movie. director says he talk to him at any time about the movie and the viewer is pretty psyched about it.
jj
we received these nice looking but actually cheap casio watches from mom. jj was really excited about them and i pretended to be but i was cynical and thought they were copies. we programmed addresses and notes into the watches as they were similar to those old casio organizers. then i looked at the watch and saw they were FAKE casios, saying "CAS E/I O" on them. i pointed them out to jj and a friend. jj got infuriated. i tried then to show that i actually lost my data, which i hadn't but i was pretending. the friend was getting convinced but jj was just still angry. so i tried to understand why and then he practically wanted to beat him up. so i explained that i wasn't needling him, but just trying to understand, and that i thought he was angry because ted and i were always giving him our cast-off toys and not anything new. that calmed him down a lot, but he explained it was not that, and that there was more to his anger than i had explained of it.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
why i love j
from august 2002
good morning sweetheart. i miss you so much right now. it's 4am and i just heard an old message from you on the machine...
your voice is so sweet and welcoming. it feels like home. just wanted to leave this note and tell you how much you mean to me. i will love you forever. see you soon. jay
you're short and sweet-
down to your little feet-
with skin so fine-
and eyes that shine-
for a truer love there's no need to look
our love fills every page, of every book.
hotel themes
i'm listening to hotel paper, one pop weakness of mine.
i have recurring dreams of two types of hotels. one is a very fine hotel with baroque detailing on the walls and ceiling. there is a small, narrow elevator that takes me up and down different rooms. last night my godbrother, also my first crush, was involved somehow. don't remember much except that his mother was in the hotel room and her vibe was that she was telling me about how life is, or something like that. another night, we were stuck in the elevator trying to get to the top of a long tower that had stairs leading up to it. we had also been running up and down the floors of the hotel, like my cousins and i used to during formal filipino medical association PMA events like new year's eve. except we were grown and they weren't my cousins, just random friends.
the other "hotel" is really an apartment building, a bit rundown with fucked up apartments in it, built in various ways. my brother ted was living in one very interestingly designed apartment which had a ladder leading up to it.
writer's life
i don't know how people can just decide to give up other things to become a writer or "artist." i get all my ideas and energy from dealing with work and other things, then hanging around my apartment all day on saturdays thinking up grand schemes and writing or thinking about whatever i want that pops into my head.
today i've been thinking of all the communities of people to which i belong, from my book group with bobby, simone and eva or my little snickering trio in the back room at work - that is, me and my office mates kendra and dave - arguing and discussing and bashing things and ideas. the nycoc group and icc dfers. susan and on, the world travelers group - how could i forget the brilliant and exciting older "siblings" i've always wanted (along with bobby of course). the new group i'm trying to tap are the genius level artist/writer/liberal types in my family. i'm so lucky to know these kinds of people.
i wonder what my mom would think if she could step into my life. i think she's finally starting to understand it. i told her how i like having just a small amount of money, enough to take care of things and have a little savings, because it forces me to be creative. she seemed to get it just then! a breakthrough.
from august 2002
good morning sweetheart. i miss you so much right now. it's 4am and i just heard an old message from you on the machine...
your voice is so sweet and welcoming. it feels like home. just wanted to leave this note and tell you how much you mean to me. i will love you forever. see you soon. jay
you're short and sweet-
down to your little feet-
with skin so fine-
and eyes that shine-
for a truer love there's no need to look
our love fills every page, of every book.
hotel themes
i'm listening to hotel paper, one pop weakness of mine.
i have recurring dreams of two types of hotels. one is a very fine hotel with baroque detailing on the walls and ceiling. there is a small, narrow elevator that takes me up and down different rooms. last night my godbrother, also my first crush, was involved somehow. don't remember much except that his mother was in the hotel room and her vibe was that she was telling me about how life is, or something like that. another night, we were stuck in the elevator trying to get to the top of a long tower that had stairs leading up to it. we had also been running up and down the floors of the hotel, like my cousins and i used to during formal filipino medical association PMA events like new year's eve. except we were grown and they weren't my cousins, just random friends.
the other "hotel" is really an apartment building, a bit rundown with fucked up apartments in it, built in various ways. my brother ted was living in one very interestingly designed apartment which had a ladder leading up to it.
writer's life
i don't know how people can just decide to give up other things to become a writer or "artist." i get all my ideas and energy from dealing with work and other things, then hanging around my apartment all day on saturdays thinking up grand schemes and writing or thinking about whatever i want that pops into my head.
today i've been thinking of all the communities of people to which i belong, from my book group with bobby, simone and eva or my little snickering trio in the back room at work - that is, me and my office mates kendra and dave - arguing and discussing and bashing things and ideas. the nycoc group and icc dfers. susan and on, the world travelers group - how could i forget the brilliant and exciting older "siblings" i've always wanted (along with bobby of course). the new group i'm trying to tap are the genius level artist/writer/liberal types in my family. i'm so lucky to know these kinds of people.
i wonder what my mom would think if she could step into my life. i think she's finally starting to understand it. i told her how i like having just a small amount of money, enough to take care of things and have a little savings, because it forces me to be creative. she seemed to get it just then! a breakthrough.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
the past comes back all at once
Randomly ran into Beka E at Cafe Magora in the EV. I haven't seen her in a million years. She's been in NYC for 4 years!! working for United for Peace. She said she was living in williamsburg, and began to explain to me what a hipster and I reminded her that I've lived in this city for three times as long as she. When I get around that chick, I get so hyper that I feel like I'm hallucinating. Doesn't matter whether it's with Beka over fifteen years ago, watching her run up and around the hills in her yard in her old school uggs, or the Beka at age 30, sitting in some hip joint, her delicate arms leaning across the table toward her silently sexy middle eastern man.
other dream-like things
the building down the street from j caught fire and burned down. he woke up at 2am in the morning to the smell of smoke, so powerful that he thought his own building was burning down. he said now the fire vehicles are gathered around the building, and there's a wall that is standing in the middle of it all. it looks brand new. and he's not sure whether it had been built there or if the firemen had put it there for some reason.
description of the news cafe on university blvd & 11th
in most cities, sitting in a cafe, you're bound to see a child. but already it's been an hour and i don't see even one. on the television perched overhead is a story about crossed television signals - a person who had hooked up his camera to his television set had picked up the signal of one of his neighbors, who was beating her foster kids up right before his eyes. the cops traced the signal and arrested the woman.
at the tables are a lithe blond model and a pair of students conversing in japanese. the several people wandering in and out of the cafe: a punkish design student, an executive with a baseball jacket on over his suit, an old jewish woman with curly, badly dyed hair and outdated purse. but no children.
is it the grinding sound of the city bus with the darkness, lit only by fluorescent parking lot lights that drive away the children? or idiots who decide to leave the cafe entrance door open in 26 degree weather? the lonely asians who seem to occupy every table with a paper and perfectly coiffed hair?
it's a sea of black backs. even the model has put her black coat on. the air from the open door has freshened the stale, oily atmosphere but the cracked paint on the floors depress me. nothing, not the colorful rows of magazines perfectly arranged in a mosaic on the wall, nor the old-fashioned wooden store fronts across the street can cheer up this place.
smalls/fat cat
these are the jazz clubs owned, or once owned, by mitch borden in NYC in the west village. i need to sit there and describe it for you. but it'd be even better to find someone who loved smalls but hates fat cat, who will tell me what they think of those places.
too much shit to do
two pieces to finish. one piece to send out.
do you ever stand on the subway platform and notice red colors, from the scarlet cashmere coat on the girl walking toward me and the backpack on the guy walking through the gate and another lady's wool hat, moving back and forth together through the crowd?
more burroughs
Of course the Annexia police processed suspected agents, saboteurs and political deviants on an assembly basis. As regards the interrogation of suspects, Benway has this to say:
"While in general I avoid the use of torture-- torture locates the opponent and mobilizes resistance --the threat of torture is useful to induce in the subject the appropriate feeling of helplessness and gratitude to the interrogator for withholding it. And torture can be employed to advantage as a penalty when the subject is far enough along with the treatment to accept punishment as deserved. To this end I devised several forms of disciplinary procedure. One was known as The Switchboard. Electric drills that can be turned on at any time are clamped against the subject's teeth; and he is instructed to operate an arbitrary switchboard, to put certain connections in certain sockets in response to bells and lights. Every time he makes a mistake the drills are turned on for twenty seconds. The signals are gradually speeded up beyond his reaction time. Half an hour on the switchboard and the subject breaks down like an overloaded thinking machine."
Randomly ran into Beka E at Cafe Magora in the EV. I haven't seen her in a million years. She's been in NYC for 4 years!! working for United for Peace. She said she was living in williamsburg, and began to explain to me what a hipster and I reminded her that I've lived in this city for three times as long as she. When I get around that chick, I get so hyper that I feel like I'm hallucinating. Doesn't matter whether it's with Beka over fifteen years ago, watching her run up and around the hills in her yard in her old school uggs, or the Beka at age 30, sitting in some hip joint, her delicate arms leaning across the table toward her silently sexy middle eastern man.
other dream-like things
the building down the street from j caught fire and burned down. he woke up at 2am in the morning to the smell of smoke, so powerful that he thought his own building was burning down. he said now the fire vehicles are gathered around the building, and there's a wall that is standing in the middle of it all. it looks brand new. and he's not sure whether it had been built there or if the firemen had put it there for some reason.
description of the news cafe on university blvd & 11th
in most cities, sitting in a cafe, you're bound to see a child. but already it's been an hour and i don't see even one. on the television perched overhead is a story about crossed television signals - a person who had hooked up his camera to his television set had picked up the signal of one of his neighbors, who was beating her foster kids up right before his eyes. the cops traced the signal and arrested the woman.
at the tables are a lithe blond model and a pair of students conversing in japanese. the several people wandering in and out of the cafe: a punkish design student, an executive with a baseball jacket on over his suit, an old jewish woman with curly, badly dyed hair and outdated purse. but no children.
is it the grinding sound of the city bus with the darkness, lit only by fluorescent parking lot lights that drive away the children? or idiots who decide to leave the cafe entrance door open in 26 degree weather? the lonely asians who seem to occupy every table with a paper and perfectly coiffed hair?
it's a sea of black backs. even the model has put her black coat on. the air from the open door has freshened the stale, oily atmosphere but the cracked paint on the floors depress me. nothing, not the colorful rows of magazines perfectly arranged in a mosaic on the wall, nor the old-fashioned wooden store fronts across the street can cheer up this place.
smalls/fat cat
these are the jazz clubs owned, or once owned, by mitch borden in NYC in the west village. i need to sit there and describe it for you. but it'd be even better to find someone who loved smalls but hates fat cat, who will tell me what they think of those places.
too much shit to do
two pieces to finish. one piece to send out.
do you ever stand on the subway platform and notice red colors, from the scarlet cashmere coat on the girl walking toward me and the backpack on the guy walking through the gate and another lady's wool hat, moving back and forth together through the crowd?
more burroughs
Of course the Annexia police processed suspected agents, saboteurs and political deviants on an assembly basis. As regards the interrogation of suspects, Benway has this to say:
"While in general I avoid the use of torture-- torture locates the opponent and mobilizes resistance --the threat of torture is useful to induce in the subject the appropriate feeling of helplessness and gratitude to the interrogator for withholding it. And torture can be employed to advantage as a penalty when the subject is far enough along with the treatment to accept punishment as deserved. To this end I devised several forms of disciplinary procedure. One was known as The Switchboard. Electric drills that can be turned on at any time are clamped against the subject's teeth; and he is instructed to operate an arbitrary switchboard, to put certain connections in certain sockets in response to bells and lights. Every time he makes a mistake the drills are turned on for twenty seconds. The signals are gradually speeded up beyond his reaction time. Half an hour on the switchboard and the subject breaks down like an overloaded thinking machine."
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
subject matter of the day: catholic cults, actors as ministers in cults
william burroughs on mind control - from naked lunch. pay attention to the second paragraph. did you know that many cult leaders, not just cult members ala scientology, are often aspiring actors or actresses?
damn you cults, you cult leaders who are actors, you who were aspiring actors turned ICC catholic scientology cult leaders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Benway had been called in as advisor to the Freeland Republic, a place given over to free love and continual bathing. The citizens are well adjusted, co-operatives, honest, tolerant and above all clean. But the invoking of Benway indicates all is not well behind that hygienic facade: Benway is a manipulator and coordinator of symbol systems, an expert on all phases of interrogation, brainwashing and control. I have not seen Benway since his precipitate departure from Annexia, where his assignment had been T.D.-Total Demoralization. Benway's first act was to abolish concentration camps, mass arrest and, except under certain limited and special circumstances, the use of torture.
"I deplore brutality," he said. "It's not efficient. On the other hand, prolonged mistreatment, short of physical violence, gives rise, when skillfully applied, to anxiety and a feeling of special guilt. A few rules or rather guiding principles are to be borne in mind. The subject must not realize that the mistreatment is a deliberate attack of an anti-human enemy on his personal identity. He must be made to feel that he deserves any treatment he receives because there is something (never specified) horribly wrong with him.< The naked need of the control addicts must be decently covered by an arbitrary and intricate bureaucracy so that the subject cannot contact his enemy direct."
the rules of propriety are so fascinating
for instance i am studying the rules of concealer like an alien. who'd have thought that a little drop of light watery fleshy stuff can transform you from a little girl to a real woman? oh it's so strange.
william burroughs on mind control - from naked lunch. pay attention to the second paragraph. did you know that many cult leaders, not just cult members ala scientology, are often aspiring actors or actresses?
damn you cults, you cult leaders who are actors, you who were aspiring actors turned ICC catholic scientology cult leaders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Benway had been called in as advisor to the Freeland Republic, a place given over to free love and continual bathing. The citizens are well adjusted, co-operatives, honest, tolerant and above all clean. But the invoking of Benway indicates all is not well behind that hygienic facade: Benway is a manipulator and coordinator of symbol systems, an expert on all phases of interrogation, brainwashing and control. I have not seen Benway since his precipitate departure from Annexia, where his assignment had been T.D.-Total Demoralization. Benway's first act was to abolish concentration camps, mass arrest and, except under certain limited and special circumstances, the use of torture.
"I deplore brutality," he said. "It's not efficient. On the other hand, prolonged mistreatment, short of physical violence, gives rise, when skillfully applied, to anxiety and a feeling of special guilt. A few rules or rather guiding principles are to be borne in mind. The subject must not realize that the mistreatment is a deliberate attack of an anti-human enemy on his personal identity. He must be made to feel that he deserves any treatment he receives because there is something (never specified) horribly wrong with him.< The naked need of the control addicts must be decently covered by an arbitrary and intricate bureaucracy so that the subject cannot contact his enemy direct."
the rules of propriety are so fascinating
for instance i am studying the rules of concealer like an alien. who'd have thought that a little drop of light watery fleshy stuff can transform you from a little girl to a real woman? oh it's so strange.
fuckin' dreams are more interesting than i am
i was holding each of my brother's crazy cute pugs in my lap. when i held one of them, the pug who was supposed to be mochi, he looked weird because the part where is nose and mouth are all black was fawn colored this time. he looked like a weird kind of pug shaped golden labrador. but i comforted him and told him i thought he was cute anyway. then i held the other one, puki, and she looked even freakier. in fact, uncle eli's head was on puki instead of her cute little crying eyes. but he still had puki's long tongue smile and looked utterly content. i held her, accepted and i loved her even with uncle eli's face staring back at me, grinning happily.
i was holding each of my brother's crazy cute pugs in my lap. when i held one of them, the pug who was supposed to be mochi, he looked weird because the part where is nose and mouth are all black was fawn colored this time. he looked like a weird kind of pug shaped golden labrador. but i comforted him and told him i thought he was cute anyway. then i held the other one, puki, and she looked even freakier. in fact, uncle eli's head was on puki instead of her cute little crying eyes. but he still had puki's long tongue smile and looked utterly content. i held her, accepted and i loved her even with uncle eli's face staring back at me, grinning happily.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
oedipus dream
my exboyfriend and i were riding around platonically, and we decided to stop and rest. we were at a motel and steve johnson was there. i hid under a desk and kept sliding a cd toward him. he saw me there and commented that i had sexy thighs. then my ex shot him with a gun. the police arrived but didn't question or accuse us. we left and all of a sudden i really wanted to fuck my ex.
renovation
i had decided to renovate the floors in my apartment. so i started peeling off the tiles and found there were 7 layers of linoleum on the floor of my apartment.
later my landlord and i were looking at the building from the outside. we could see into the apartments because each one had a wide, new modern window, from floor to ceiling, which opened up to the front rooms. we could see a beautiful renovated white kitchen and another apartment with little detail i could see. i also noticed that my apartment was the only one without the huge modern window and i was a bit annoyed but kept it to myself. he was disappointed for some reason, and i assured him that he would be able to sell the building one day at a good price because we were all renovating.
i'm back in my apartment pulling up the layers and found that in the living room, some of the layers were actually made up of my old roommate genieve's and others books and junk.
my neighbor, who was rather dandy looking like a carson from queer eye, came down. he was normal at first. then all of a sudden, he was this evil character. i had to run away from him, but it was hard because he had the power to see where i was at anytime. however, the scope of his power would grow and wane in cycles, so he could only perceive me at 20 to 200 feet at times, then as far as 2000 miles. and there was a limit too. so i figured that as soon as i could get to an airport without him catching up with me, i was okay as soon as i got in the air, safe from him. at one point he was chasing me down the sidewalk in front of the apartment at night in the rain.
my exboyfriend and i were riding around platonically, and we decided to stop and rest. we were at a motel and steve johnson was there. i hid under a desk and kept sliding a cd toward him. he saw me there and commented that i had sexy thighs. then my ex shot him with a gun. the police arrived but didn't question or accuse us. we left and all of a sudden i really wanted to fuck my ex.
renovation
i had decided to renovate the floors in my apartment. so i started peeling off the tiles and found there were 7 layers of linoleum on the floor of my apartment.
later my landlord and i were looking at the building from the outside. we could see into the apartments because each one had a wide, new modern window, from floor to ceiling, which opened up to the front rooms. we could see a beautiful renovated white kitchen and another apartment with little detail i could see. i also noticed that my apartment was the only one without the huge modern window and i was a bit annoyed but kept it to myself. he was disappointed for some reason, and i assured him that he would be able to sell the building one day at a good price because we were all renovating.
i'm back in my apartment pulling up the layers and found that in the living room, some of the layers were actually made up of my old roommate genieve's and others books and junk.
my neighbor, who was rather dandy looking like a carson from queer eye, came down. he was normal at first. then all of a sudden, he was this evil character. i had to run away from him, but it was hard because he had the power to see where i was at anytime. however, the scope of his power would grow and wane in cycles, so he could only perceive me at 20 to 200 feet at times, then as far as 2000 miles. and there was a limit too. so i figured that as soon as i could get to an airport without him catching up with me, i was okay as soon as i got in the air, safe from him. at one point he was chasing me down the sidewalk in front of the apartment at night in the rain.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Infuriation
Troll know how to infuriate. One troll does it by taking someone's self-blaming feelings and insisting that this accusing self is telling the whole truth. They amplify the secret fear you have that these thoughts are only true, or not true. The fact is, these accusing thoughts can be somewhat true and mostly false.
These antisocial types can do a lot of damage, and are unstoppable at times as they seek to heal by damaging others. The pain they can cause people on the internet or in real relationships is directly to another's unconscious. Which is often why their words are powerful, until you bring it to the conscious mind.
And I know the infuriation and despairing feelings are simply a monitor for what this person feels unconsciously. Sometimes our bodies and hearts are thermometers of the disturbed who walk among us.
Troll know how to infuriate. One troll does it by taking someone's self-blaming feelings and insisting that this accusing self is telling the whole truth. They amplify the secret fear you have that these thoughts are only true, or not true. The fact is, these accusing thoughts can be somewhat true and mostly false.
These antisocial types can do a lot of damage, and are unstoppable at times as they seek to heal by damaging others. The pain they can cause people on the internet or in real relationships is directly to another's unconscious. Which is often why their words are powerful, until you bring it to the conscious mind.
And I know the infuriation and despairing feelings are simply a monitor for what this person feels unconsciously. Sometimes our bodies and hearts are thermometers of the disturbed who walk among us.
Can't stop thinking of anything but this:
Sometimes my thoughts come together manically; disparate elements that seemed hopelessly unrelated and despairing magnetize and click together into ingenious compounds of passionate energy toward some uncertain but exciting horizon. I felt this way when I applied to graduate school several years ago. I'm feeling it again.
My friend told me that all of my experiences have been preparing me for my future role in helping many people. I don't know what that is yet. All I know is I feel something bubbling up inside me, almost beyond my control. I feel like I am exploding inside but with what, I don't know yet.
Have you ever had moments like this, when you feel that you know what those Pulitzer prize winning authors and Nobel laureates once experienced? It doesn't necessarily mean that you will accomplish what they have - but it doesn't mean you won't, either.
Sometimes I think about my children, who are not born yet, but are living inside me, at least a part of them. And another part of them is living inside of someone else. My children will bring the compassion out of me. I know because when I think of my child running towards me with an excited smile in his eyes, small black wondering eyes that face the world with no expectations except that his mother loves him, it makes love real to me.
Sometimes I see a grand future just within my fingertips, of these exploding thoughts inside my mind fully expressed, its complexity unfolded and translated to a world waiting for words to more fully explain its mystery. I cannot put it into words yet.
Do you ever feel these things? Am I the only one?
When my aunt talks, she rambles. And most people caught in her web want to push her and her words away. But I am fascinated. She's the only one of mom's sisters who is fully present with what she feels. I know because her humorous tales tell me so. She mocks the Filipino traditional woman, that quiet, demure, "lady-like" thing. She is not afraid of a stacked fight. She will show you her many broken bones with pride.
She has too many stories and opinions. She hates with passion. She has made me feel like killing her. Silencing her. And she makes me feel like I can silence the world by simply willing it.
In mom's family there is some kind of furious muse that guides and drives and mocks all who are born from its blood. It will be conquered but who will recognize it, much less face it in battle?
Sometimes my thoughts come together manically; disparate elements that seemed hopelessly unrelated and despairing magnetize and click together into ingenious compounds of passionate energy toward some uncertain but exciting horizon. I felt this way when I applied to graduate school several years ago. I'm feeling it again.
My friend told me that all of my experiences have been preparing me for my future role in helping many people. I don't know what that is yet. All I know is I feel something bubbling up inside me, almost beyond my control. I feel like I am exploding inside but with what, I don't know yet.
Have you ever had moments like this, when you feel that you know what those Pulitzer prize winning authors and Nobel laureates once experienced? It doesn't necessarily mean that you will accomplish what they have - but it doesn't mean you won't, either.
Sometimes I think about my children, who are not born yet, but are living inside me, at least a part of them. And another part of them is living inside of someone else. My children will bring the compassion out of me. I know because when I think of my child running towards me with an excited smile in his eyes, small black wondering eyes that face the world with no expectations except that his mother loves him, it makes love real to me.
Sometimes I see a grand future just within my fingertips, of these exploding thoughts inside my mind fully expressed, its complexity unfolded and translated to a world waiting for words to more fully explain its mystery. I cannot put it into words yet.
Do you ever feel these things? Am I the only one?
When my aunt talks, she rambles. And most people caught in her web want to push her and her words away. But I am fascinated. She's the only one of mom's sisters who is fully present with what she feels. I know because her humorous tales tell me so. She mocks the Filipino traditional woman, that quiet, demure, "lady-like" thing. She is not afraid of a stacked fight. She will show you her many broken bones with pride.
She has too many stories and opinions. She hates with passion. She has made me feel like killing her. Silencing her. And she makes me feel like I can silence the world by simply willing it.
In mom's family there is some kind of furious muse that guides and drives and mocks all who are born from its blood. It will be conquered but who will recognize it, much less face it in battle?