flashback
april 15 2002
(thanks for sending me this back, manang jopie!)
one of my first experiences in Manila: THE BABY LIZARD
I was lying on the big bed in mom and dad's bedroom, watching CNN Asia. my dad tells me to look up, where there's a little, 1-inch long baby lizard stuck to the ceiling! mom was freaking out, but we ignored her and it for a while and she forgot about it.
then i made a comment on how cute it was and she started freaking out again and telling us to get rid of it (eg "Kill it! kill it!"). so dad brushed it off the ceiling, and it landed on the bed!
mom's screaming by now and dad brushed it onto the floor. "kill it! kill it!" she screams, and dad goes, "i can't." (If you know my dad, you know he's not going to kill the lizard. he has a soft spot for birds, lizards, mice... JJ, remember when we caught that cute fuzzy mouse in the kitchen and we set it free in the yard?)
Ok, like father, like daughter!? well not quite... i went over and tried to stomp on the poor little baby lizard w/dad's slipper, and it ran to the edge of the wall, then under dad's chair. finally i smushed the thing. when it was dead it was like a big green booger with eyes. but still cute!
so i took a kleenex, put him in it and threw him out. Mom exclaimed: "you're so brave!" -- Whatever, mom!
NEXT: List of things Mom is afraid of, in Ph.
Monday, March 31, 2003
Friday, March 28, 2003
the young iraqi
3/22 -- "The whole city looked as if it were on fire. The only thing I could think of was
'why does this have to happen to Baghdad.' As one of the buildings I really love
went up in a huge explosion I was close to tears."
His last entry, 3/24, only said they had lost internet. i hope he's okay.
Their military is dressing up as civilians, and making the civilians fight, or be executed. Now the civilians are always in danger because the US/British can't trust that they are for real. I hate this war and Bush's policies, but Iraqi leaders are pure evil. I know that at least our military, brainwashed as they are, wouldn't ever put us in such a cold-hearted predicament. I hope.
The evil can win, but only temporarily. All is temporary... the American empire is also temporary.
p. coelho: warrior
got a very cool book a couple days ago, and read an entry from it every morning. some pertinent lessons:
--training means little against experience... and prayer.
--be grateful, remember your higher power. and your friends who have helped you. share your rewards.
--use the enemies' energy against them.
applications to come...
3/22 -- "The whole city looked as if it were on fire. The only thing I could think of was
'why does this have to happen to Baghdad.' As one of the buildings I really love
went up in a huge explosion I was close to tears."
His last entry, 3/24, only said they had lost internet. i hope he's okay.
Their military is dressing up as civilians, and making the civilians fight, or be executed. Now the civilians are always in danger because the US/British can't trust that they are for real. I hate this war and Bush's policies, but Iraqi leaders are pure evil. I know that at least our military, brainwashed as they are, wouldn't ever put us in such a cold-hearted predicament. I hope.
The evil can win, but only temporarily. All is temporary... the American empire is also temporary.
p. coelho: warrior
got a very cool book a couple days ago, and read an entry from it every morning. some pertinent lessons:
--training means little against experience... and prayer.
--be grateful, remember your higher power. and your friends who have helped you. share your rewards.
--use the enemies' energy against them.
applications to come...
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
war depression
went to the protest, then the ABB gig (j was playing tenor with them), then saw the Derek Trucks band at the lions den. what a day. i got really depressed at the lions den, because bobby was watching the war live on tv and told me about the soldiers who had been captured and killed.
i haven't felt this depressed in years. i'm okay now, though. back to denial.
went to the protest, then the ABB gig (j was playing tenor with them), then saw the Derek Trucks band at the lions den. what a day. i got really depressed at the lions den, because bobby was watching the war live on tv and told me about the soldiers who had been captured and killed.
i haven't felt this depressed in years. i'm okay now, though. back to denial.
Friday, March 21, 2003
A new favorite word
module:an independently-operable unit that is a part of the total structure of a space vehicle. It is also a cognitive science/AI word, adapted to mean independently operable _logical_ units. In my impossible cognitive development class with Howard Gardner, he used that word ALL the damn time. In my little world, it's the perfect word to describe all the little random pursuits that add up to some larger pattern I have yet to figure out through this blog.
words that j and i laugh at
henry wadworth longfellow: obvious. think about lyndon johnson
longbaby: j was a long baby (he's tall and thin). i named my mac 'longbaby.'
longpillow: this awesome pillow i got from the philippines that j and i used to fight over. now we share.
as they're bombing the hell out of Baghdad:
i feel numb. nothing. survival mode. national guardsmen with huge rifles at the grand central shuttle and west 4th street. what if a guy accidentally drops it and it fires? the idea of a nuclear bomb dropping and blowing us all to bits, for some reason, makes me want to laugh.
post-traumatic dissociation.
i remember seeing the second WTC tower fall before my eyes as I fled to bobby's house from work. i was standing on 7th ave & 15th street. felt nothing. wanted to go home via subway. asked bobby to pray for me and left his house again. i got on the train, and prayed again not to get bombed in the subway. let off at times square, they wouldn't go any further. walked to sixth avenue. streams of office workers walking up the avenue from downtown. as if it were saturday. but they all walked in the same direction.
i got on the last bus to my neighborhood, sat in the entrance stairwell because there was no more room, and peered through the accordian doors at all the people walking, walking, walking. and the midtown electronic newsbelt at the nbc studios screamed the disaster we were living in. when i got home my neighborhood felt like a little green terrarium with people walking their small dogs along central park west. one officer with his car parked across the closed off streets was the only indication of... anything.
module:an independently-operable unit that is a part of the total structure of a space vehicle. It is also a cognitive science/AI word, adapted to mean independently operable _logical_ units. In my impossible cognitive development class with Howard Gardner, he used that word ALL the damn time. In my little world, it's the perfect word to describe all the little random pursuits that add up to some larger pattern I have yet to figure out through this blog.
words that j and i laugh at
henry wadworth longfellow: obvious. think about lyndon johnson
longbaby: j was a long baby (he's tall and thin). i named my mac 'longbaby.'
longpillow: this awesome pillow i got from the philippines that j and i used to fight over. now we share.
as they're bombing the hell out of Baghdad:
i feel numb. nothing. survival mode. national guardsmen with huge rifles at the grand central shuttle and west 4th street. what if a guy accidentally drops it and it fires? the idea of a nuclear bomb dropping and blowing us all to bits, for some reason, makes me want to laugh.
post-traumatic dissociation.
i remember seeing the second WTC tower fall before my eyes as I fled to bobby's house from work. i was standing on 7th ave & 15th street. felt nothing. wanted to go home via subway. asked bobby to pray for me and left his house again. i got on the train, and prayed again not to get bombed in the subway. let off at times square, they wouldn't go any further. walked to sixth avenue. streams of office workers walking up the avenue from downtown. as if it were saturday. but they all walked in the same direction.
i got on the last bus to my neighborhood, sat in the entrance stairwell because there was no more room, and peered through the accordian doors at all the people walking, walking, walking. and the midtown electronic newsbelt at the nbc studios screamed the disaster we were living in. when i got home my neighborhood felt like a little green terrarium with people walking their small dogs along central park west. one officer with his car parked across the closed off streets was the only indication of... anything.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
It's been a while... sorry.
Damn War. Making people I care about upset and angry all day. I keep thinking about people, like friends who I don't know, who are in Iraq, hiding, waiting. It's so unfair.
A quote from someone there: (a young Iraqi's blog)
What is bringing on this rant is the question that has
been bugging for days now: how could “support
democracy in Iraq” become to mean “bomb the hell out
of Iraq”? why did it end up that democracy won’t
happen unless we go thru war? Nobody minded an
un-democratic Iraq for a very long time, now people
have decided to bomb us to democracy? Well, thank you!
how thoughtful.
Catch up: My back's been fixed more or less by my awesome PT therapy and diligent workout life I've acquired. Discovery: I love exercise and healthy food! Wow. My body's lookin' good. The "dead bored" energy has gone. Yay! Also I had a b-day. I'm 29.
Refuge from the Media: Some creative activities i've been engaging myself in for the past month.
1) Knitting. made 3 hats (one for jay, which he lost. got to make another), a knit rose for a hat, a sweater, mittens.
2) Piano lessons with jason lindner. Learning jazz, latin:
first lesson: learn the major and minor 7th chords in all keys.
second lesson: learn major and minor ninths with 7-3 voicings, and ii-V-I transitions; leads into montunos. also learn chromatic scale (1), whole tone scale (2), diminished
chords (2) in all inversions
3) Salsa lessons with j's friend. j and i are going to go to nell's
4) Working out (yes to me this is creative) at equinox. personal training's ended so now i'm doing the BLF challenge. As far as other health things go: keeping up my PT exercises, and my skin. The free facial at skinklinic was terrific - got their products. My face looks so different after only one time. Glycolic rules.
5) Cooking. goes with BLF, but i'm trying new things. my friend suzie can bake (her father's a baker, he baked for all these institutions in sweden). gonna try non-fat (and fatty!) desserts
6) Decorating and logically solving the spatial issues in my walkthrough apartment
7) Work at TPR - it's been getting crazy. lots of interesting stats projects, hard projects. makin' extra bucks freelance, too.
Next: painting with oils, sewing sweater patches/finishing my knit sweater w/patches, inventing sewn knick-knacks (key idea, for example) to sell, making an art book (re-doing the one from columbia art class), coming up with a theme for this blog including digital photos of my new york (some ideas: naked pic of j w/his sax? :) ).
flashbacks
feb 26 2003
(originally to hernan)
noon has arrived. it is only the beginning of the day. already? finally, a brief pause. completed 920 tasks in 5.5 precious hours. 6:30am awake, stumbling and I find my awake self somewhere between 6:40 and 6:50. down the flight of dim stairs of my dear old building, springing out into the sunlight and the soft grumbling of passing delivery trucks. my stride has found its bounce and now i'm getting that energetic happy buzz inside. through the door i go, happy gym greeter slides me through and now the lights and breathing and laughter are falling all around me. it is great to be awake, it is great to be here!
jose, my trainer - it's sadly our last day. he's like my big brother now. we laugh about my tai chi hands while i do swing kicks. i'm firmer in my mind now, and yesterday the yoga instructor said my body looks strong. and i know that's because my mind and my body are both strong. they grow together now, and not in opposition. jose and i shook hands goodbye, though hopefully we'll start training again. but now is time to go home and i find my notebook to write my exercises down. don't forget to read, i pick up howard zinn and read about the colonial ruler's deception in the language of liberty and freedom. hmm.
doze for 5 minutes and off i'm back to my new favorite room, the kitchen. chop chop! tomatoes, cilantro, onions. into the blender. swish. some lime juice and into the dish it goes. my own pico de gallo and my egg white omelettes, some indonesian coffee, and i'm out the door again w/my other meals for the day in a brown paper bag.
in the office i finish all the other little tasks. two hours and time warner, doctor, dentist, emails, excel chart, faxes, ... a surprise freelance project comes through on my cell!! ... they're all through.
now i'm sitting here, feeling there's another thing to do... then i think about you and write down my life.
i love that you make me do this every once in a while. m
ps hit me back with one. ok?
may 4 2002 (philippines)
(originally to hernan)
it's sunday morning here at 7:05AM (which means it's about 4PM your time) and i just got back from a 1.5 hour walk with my dad around our neighborhood, Ayala Alabang. mostly we walked in silence, admiring the huge houses (or what we could see through the cracks of the monstrous marble gates) of a singer/movie star, and of the developer family Ayala/Zobel's. toward the end he kept asking me if i wanted to rest, but i was determined to finish what i started...
last night my mom teased me, as always, about my intent to exercise that has not transpired this week (though i have been exercising the other weeks--laps in our swimming pool). i am self-conscious about my bulbous "tummy"--ako ang tiyan ko malaki! (one of the many phrases i am picking up in tagalog... still can hardly understand anyone though!) my legs hurt and i feel sticky from the mosquito repellent, sweat and humidity... my hair is starting to relax from its curled frenzy from the dripping morning air, because i'm sitting in the computer room's artificial coolness.
i just received your email--i am still thinking about and writing my response to you. for days i have been working on a lot of different writing... writing a query and proposal letter for a progressive travel magazine article, another one for a novel (always hope), and a monologue to use for an independent film audition.
i spend most of my other time hanging out with mom in the bedroom, writing/emailing/watching tv here, eating with them in the dining room with the cook and maids serving our dinner, or going out in our maroon mercedes van with our driver. We go shopping at Ayala Town Center (with its palm-studded Corte De La Palmas and incredible halo-halo at HaagenDazs Cafe) or its more common, larger competition, Festival Mall, where Mom warns me to never follow a person who talks to you in an "official" manner without a uniform (kidnappings and robbings start this way here).
Then I think about Jay. He calls me once a week... this week, twice. My mom really likes him so far and we talk about him a lot, the possible future. I think about the "crisis" I felt over him in March when I wanted to break up with him. Over time as I wait and see how my feelings are forming, I find my lust and love for him rise and fall, but ultimately moving towards an increase--I think about the future with him. Perhaps I should focus more on the presence and let it give birth to the future... this is what he always says, in one form or another. In any case, we have become increasingly close as friends and fellow artists.
Today my cousin Jopie and I are giving Mom an early mother's day lunch; Jopie is a writer and she is like my big sister. I respect her more and more as she gives me tips on writing. We went to see a play, then the Intramuros, an old fortified city within Maynila (the filipino name for Manila). I saw a shrine to Jose Rizal, the intellectual/politician/scientist/artist who died for his nationalistic views. In his thoughts and emotions about the Philippines, her nature, her beauty, her independence, I see the father and husband that I would want to have. He tells the story of a moth that kept flying towards the light, and gets burned... but how i would fly towards that light again, he proclaims. I would do it over and over again, for my people.
I have fallen in love with this country; and like all loves, feel frustration with the people, the culture as I come out of the honeymoon. But I will keep flying back to it...no words can describe the bond of blood I feel here, looking at all the brown faces and soft tagalog spoken around me. This place feels, in my reflections, like a cradle and a tomb, like a garden of Eve with unforeseen dangers and possibilities. I am enraptured, repulsed, frustrated, at peace, restless.
A few days ago my father and I met the President of some foundation and the wife of the Ambassador (to US) to plan a medical mission. I felt so nervous and restless, but finally became comfortable. They were excited that I had studied psychology and offered to introduce us to many opportunities to serve people here... in a few days we will be visiting an orphanage. I have decided in terms of my career... to take risks, to be willing to fail, to give my best effort in all of my talents... and let Fate give some lead on my decisions. I wrote NYU and said I'd like to come back Fall 2003 if possible (they asked about this coming Fall instead). I'm buying time for Fate's (God's) hand...
One last analogy... I visited Mass for the 2nd time in years. The church, built by that President of the Foundation, is made of philippine mahagony... the air breathes in and out, as the sides are open to the gardena all about. I was afraid/confused/shy to do communion, but this time I went up. When I reached the priest, I said "amen," but he didn't hear me. "AMEN" he yelled (almost) when i got the bread. When I told mom and dad they thought it was funny. "He was saying, 'AMEN, you're back!'" Mom said.
(When I think back on these 5 weeks, I have so many funny moments to share too... did I email you my lizard story?)
Take care my dear- m
Feb 15 protest pics from around the world [>]
looking for blizzard / protest nyc pics? [>] (look up feb 20 2003 on this site: incredible pics.)
Damn War. Making people I care about upset and angry all day. I keep thinking about people, like friends who I don't know, who are in Iraq, hiding, waiting. It's so unfair.
A quote from someone there: (a young Iraqi's blog)
What is bringing on this rant is the question that has
been bugging for days now: how could “support
democracy in Iraq” become to mean “bomb the hell out
of Iraq”? why did it end up that democracy won’t
happen unless we go thru war? Nobody minded an
un-democratic Iraq for a very long time, now people
have decided to bomb us to democracy? Well, thank you!
how thoughtful.
Catch up: My back's been fixed more or less by my awesome PT therapy and diligent workout life I've acquired. Discovery: I love exercise and healthy food! Wow. My body's lookin' good. The "dead bored" energy has gone. Yay! Also I had a b-day. I'm 29.
Refuge from the Media: Some creative activities i've been engaging myself in for the past month.
1) Knitting. made 3 hats (one for jay, which he lost. got to make another), a knit rose for a hat, a sweater, mittens.
2) Piano lessons with jason lindner. Learning jazz, latin:
first lesson: learn the major and minor 7th chords in all keys.
second lesson: learn major and minor ninths with 7-3 voicings, and ii-V-I transitions; leads into montunos. also learn chromatic scale (1), whole tone scale (2), diminished
chords (2) in all inversions
3) Salsa lessons with j's friend. j and i are going to go to nell's
4) Working out (yes to me this is creative) at equinox. personal training's ended so now i'm doing the BLF challenge. As far as other health things go: keeping up my PT exercises, and my skin. The free facial at skinklinic was terrific - got their products. My face looks so different after only one time. Glycolic rules.
5) Cooking. goes with BLF, but i'm trying new things. my friend suzie can bake (her father's a baker, he baked for all these institutions in sweden). gonna try non-fat (and fatty!) desserts
6) Decorating and logically solving the spatial issues in my walkthrough apartment
7) Work at TPR - it's been getting crazy. lots of interesting stats projects, hard projects. makin' extra bucks freelance, too.
Next: painting with oils, sewing sweater patches/finishing my knit sweater w/patches, inventing sewn knick-knacks (key idea, for example) to sell, making an art book (re-doing the one from columbia art class), coming up with a theme for this blog including digital photos of my new york (some ideas: naked pic of j w/his sax? :) ).
flashbacks
feb 26 2003
(originally to hernan)
noon has arrived. it is only the beginning of the day. already? finally, a brief pause. completed 920 tasks in 5.5 precious hours. 6:30am awake, stumbling and I find my awake self somewhere between 6:40 and 6:50. down the flight of dim stairs of my dear old building, springing out into the sunlight and the soft grumbling of passing delivery trucks. my stride has found its bounce and now i'm getting that energetic happy buzz inside. through the door i go, happy gym greeter slides me through and now the lights and breathing and laughter are falling all around me. it is great to be awake, it is great to be here!
jose, my trainer - it's sadly our last day. he's like my big brother now. we laugh about my tai chi hands while i do swing kicks. i'm firmer in my mind now, and yesterday the yoga instructor said my body looks strong. and i know that's because my mind and my body are both strong. they grow together now, and not in opposition. jose and i shook hands goodbye, though hopefully we'll start training again. but now is time to go home and i find my notebook to write my exercises down. don't forget to read, i pick up howard zinn and read about the colonial ruler's deception in the language of liberty and freedom. hmm.
doze for 5 minutes and off i'm back to my new favorite room, the kitchen. chop chop! tomatoes, cilantro, onions. into the blender. swish. some lime juice and into the dish it goes. my own pico de gallo and my egg white omelettes, some indonesian coffee, and i'm out the door again w/my other meals for the day in a brown paper bag.
in the office i finish all the other little tasks. two hours and time warner, doctor, dentist, emails, excel chart, faxes, ... a surprise freelance project comes through on my cell!! ... they're all through.
now i'm sitting here, feeling there's another thing to do... then i think about you and write down my life.
i love that you make me do this every once in a while. m
ps hit me back with one. ok?
may 4 2002 (philippines)
(originally to hernan)
it's sunday morning here at 7:05AM (which means it's about 4PM your time) and i just got back from a 1.5 hour walk with my dad around our neighborhood, Ayala Alabang. mostly we walked in silence, admiring the huge houses (or what we could see through the cracks of the monstrous marble gates) of a singer/movie star, and of the developer family Ayala/Zobel's. toward the end he kept asking me if i wanted to rest, but i was determined to finish what i started...
last night my mom teased me, as always, about my intent to exercise that has not transpired this week (though i have been exercising the other weeks--laps in our swimming pool). i am self-conscious about my bulbous "tummy"--ako ang tiyan ko malaki! (one of the many phrases i am picking up in tagalog... still can hardly understand anyone though!) my legs hurt and i feel sticky from the mosquito repellent, sweat and humidity... my hair is starting to relax from its curled frenzy from the dripping morning air, because i'm sitting in the computer room's artificial coolness.
i just received your email--i am still thinking about and writing my response to you. for days i have been working on a lot of different writing... writing a query and proposal letter for a progressive travel magazine article, another one for a novel (always hope), and a monologue to use for an independent film audition.
i spend most of my other time hanging out with mom in the bedroom, writing/emailing/watching tv here, eating with them in the dining room with the cook and maids serving our dinner, or going out in our maroon mercedes van with our driver. We go shopping at Ayala Town Center (with its palm-studded Corte De La Palmas and incredible halo-halo at HaagenDazs Cafe) or its more common, larger competition, Festival Mall, where Mom warns me to never follow a person who talks to you in an "official" manner without a uniform (kidnappings and robbings start this way here).
Then I think about Jay. He calls me once a week... this week, twice. My mom really likes him so far and we talk about him a lot, the possible future. I think about the "crisis" I felt over him in March when I wanted to break up with him. Over time as I wait and see how my feelings are forming, I find my lust and love for him rise and fall, but ultimately moving towards an increase--I think about the future with him. Perhaps I should focus more on the presence and let it give birth to the future... this is what he always says, in one form or another. In any case, we have become increasingly close as friends and fellow artists.
Today my cousin Jopie and I are giving Mom an early mother's day lunch; Jopie is a writer and she is like my big sister. I respect her more and more as she gives me tips on writing. We went to see a play, then the Intramuros, an old fortified city within Maynila (the filipino name for Manila). I saw a shrine to Jose Rizal, the intellectual/politician/scientist/artist who died for his nationalistic views. In his thoughts and emotions about the Philippines, her nature, her beauty, her independence, I see the father and husband that I would want to have. He tells the story of a moth that kept flying towards the light, and gets burned... but how i would fly towards that light again, he proclaims. I would do it over and over again, for my people.
I have fallen in love with this country; and like all loves, feel frustration with the people, the culture as I come out of the honeymoon. But I will keep flying back to it...no words can describe the bond of blood I feel here, looking at all the brown faces and soft tagalog spoken around me. This place feels, in my reflections, like a cradle and a tomb, like a garden of Eve with unforeseen dangers and possibilities. I am enraptured, repulsed, frustrated, at peace, restless.
A few days ago my father and I met the President of some foundation and the wife of the Ambassador (to US) to plan a medical mission. I felt so nervous and restless, but finally became comfortable. They were excited that I had studied psychology and offered to introduce us to many opportunities to serve people here... in a few days we will be visiting an orphanage. I have decided in terms of my career... to take risks, to be willing to fail, to give my best effort in all of my talents... and let Fate give some lead on my decisions. I wrote NYU and said I'd like to come back Fall 2003 if possible (they asked about this coming Fall instead). I'm buying time for Fate's (God's) hand...
One last analogy... I visited Mass for the 2nd time in years. The church, built by that President of the Foundation, is made of philippine mahagony... the air breathes in and out, as the sides are open to the gardena all about. I was afraid/confused/shy to do communion, but this time I went up. When I reached the priest, I said "amen," but he didn't hear me. "AMEN" he yelled (almost) when i got the bread. When I told mom and dad they thought it was funny. "He was saying, 'AMEN, you're back!'" Mom said.
(When I think back on these 5 weeks, I have so many funny moments to share too... did I email you my lizard story?)
Take care my dear- m
Feb 15 protest pics from around the world [>]
looking for blizzard / protest nyc pics? [>] (look up feb 20 2003 on this site: incredible pics.)
Thursday, January 16, 2003
more stimulation
through avocado lite, i found a creative man's blog
stream of consciousness "i want":
comfort
salvation
inner travel
a lime
stimulation
found the avocadolite web site again. inspiration.
happy energy
there are several types of people whose energy makes me crazy happy: examples
avocado lite
sinta writing
hernan intense talk-thinking
derek obsessed doodling
bobby interpreting and analysing
j teaching craft of chord making
amber photo craft kindling
paranormal
steve filmmaking
inner feeling right now
me.... i'm so dead bored at this time--------- energy is still and waiting.
through avocado lite, i found a creative man's blog
stream of consciousness "i want":
comfort
salvation
inner travel
a lime
stimulation
found the avocadolite web site again. inspiration.
happy energy
there are several types of people whose energy makes me crazy happy: examples
avocado lite
sinta writing
hernan intense talk-thinking
derek obsessed doodling
bobby interpreting and analysing
j teaching craft of chord making
amber photo craft kindling
paranormal
steve filmmaking
inner feeling right now
me.... i'm so dead bored at this time--------- energy is still and waiting.
Thursday, January 09, 2003
Monday, January 06, 2003
Friday, January 03, 2003
convos
2 good conversations last night. one with h, one with j.
h: specific plan of action for the year. plan: bring MCAT book with me everywhere (get from work), get fit, change of perspective. see med school and academia as an "adventure," an opportunity to do something for the world; see discipline as something that gets you where you want to be though you hate it at the time...
j: being open about feeling like he didn't get where i was coming from (never talking about med school plans, for example- the process of finding out if this is something i can really do) led to other productive conversation. also a review of what our needs are and what's hindering them: topics: mothering, "feminine power," openness in all areas, numbness/repression, emotionally open unavailability, for example.
2 good conversations last night. one with h, one with j.
h: specific plan of action for the year. plan: bring MCAT book with me everywhere (get from work), get fit, change of perspective. see med school and academia as an "adventure," an opportunity to do something for the world; see discipline as something that gets you where you want to be though you hate it at the time...
j: being open about feeling like he didn't get where i was coming from (never talking about med school plans, for example- the process of finding out if this is something i can really do) led to other productive conversation. also a review of what our needs are and what's hindering them: topics: mothering, "feminine power," openness in all areas, numbness/repression, emotionally open unavailability, for example.
Thursday, January 02, 2003
my inner flip shown to me
i have been reading the philippine author f.sionil jose, Dusk (formerly Po-on). it's about an Ilokano family, which is where my mom's family originates in the Philippines (they're from santa maria(?) in ilocus sur). it is such a moving book for me, because jose describes the common characteristics of Ilokanos- not nec. known for intelligence, but incredibly loyal, and loving- but when stirred to anger, watch out! the characters remind me so much of mom and her family, and i see some of their qualities in myself too. i don't really think much of how a "people" have certain qualities, but i definitely see qualities passed along our family lines.
i have been reading the philippine author f.sionil jose, Dusk (formerly Po-on). it's about an Ilokano family, which is where my mom's family originates in the Philippines (they're from santa maria(?) in ilocus sur). it is such a moving book for me, because jose describes the common characteristics of Ilokanos- not nec. known for intelligence, but incredibly loyal, and loving- but when stirred to anger, watch out! the characters remind me so much of mom and her family, and i see some of their qualities in myself too. i don't really think much of how a "people" have certain qualities, but i definitely see qualities passed along our family lines.
Tuesday, December 31, 2002
where i am: work
my energy: chill, but my back is hurting me today (injured in yoga...!)
my plans: new year's eve, hangin' w/bobby & simone, party hopping manhattan-williamsburg
last web site remembered: my blog, the equinox web site- chi-chi gym i'm checking out today
fun things today: nothing yet. i'm tired of my back hurting.
last interesting convo: my conversation with h was really inspiring. i was telling him that i feel frustrated because i am not really using my brain and talents as much as i know i can. he made an interesting point, that my strength is organizing. he's right, in a way, though i felt that leading was really difficult. i am a really good administrator, good at keeping multiple tasks going. i feel like he is such a genius because he is always thinking and coming up with really great logical arguments on a variety of topics. it's hard, except for certain topics, for me to get really deep unless i'm constantly being stimulated. after reading more political writings i've become a bit more knowledgeable. but i realized in our talk that i have not really applied or questioned some basic theories & principles, such as the inverse balance of equality and liberty (h's paper), while i'm reading. h really challenges me in this way and it is so great. i wish he was in nyc. need more friends like this who are as bright as he is.
another thing is i feel like i am getting really slow and turpid in my thinking. doing the same things over and over in the working world- although my present job is more challenging than in the past- is making me feel stupid. i miss school and the challenge of grasping at concepts all day. it's hard to motivate when you're on your own instead of in a class.
i think the gym thing has been an analogy for my life, and i didn't realize it til now. (before, my knitting hobby was serving as something to ponder). i had this conversation with the trainer who worked with me yesterday (i joined nysc on saturday, and cutting off from crunch) how it's hard to motivate to work when you're on your own instead of on team or some sport when a coach or teacher is expecting it, counting on it. i told him that i discovered a physical high; the first time was after my first yoga class, then my first chiropractor visit, my first shiatsu massage, then my first fruit/vegetables breakfast (i've only recently started buying & eating them in the morning! been a bagel/meat/cheese person for so long). after that all i want to do is get that again. health is a great high. and i have to take care of my back too. i will lose a few pounds and tone without trying, my body reacts so fast to consistent exercise.
maybe i will find this intellectually. the mind-body connection is more profound than i realized.
last inspired by: when i told h about how smart i think he was and how i felt i was becoming slow, he said that we just have different strengths- each person has a role and they help each other. he said i help him when i talk with him for hours, he forms the logic for his arguments by remembering conversations.
my energy: chill, but my back is hurting me today (injured in yoga...!)
my plans: new year's eve, hangin' w/bobby & simone, party hopping manhattan-williamsburg
last web site remembered: my blog, the equinox web site- chi-chi gym i'm checking out today
fun things today: nothing yet. i'm tired of my back hurting.
last interesting convo: my conversation with h was really inspiring. i was telling him that i feel frustrated because i am not really using my brain and talents as much as i know i can. he made an interesting point, that my strength is organizing. he's right, in a way, though i felt that leading was really difficult. i am a really good administrator, good at keeping multiple tasks going. i feel like he is such a genius because he is always thinking and coming up with really great logical arguments on a variety of topics. it's hard, except for certain topics, for me to get really deep unless i'm constantly being stimulated. after reading more political writings i've become a bit more knowledgeable. but i realized in our talk that i have not really applied or questioned some basic theories & principles, such as the inverse balance of equality and liberty (h's paper), while i'm reading. h really challenges me in this way and it is so great. i wish he was in nyc. need more friends like this who are as bright as he is.
another thing is i feel like i am getting really slow and turpid in my thinking. doing the same things over and over in the working world- although my present job is more challenging than in the past- is making me feel stupid. i miss school and the challenge of grasping at concepts all day. it's hard to motivate when you're on your own instead of in a class.
i think the gym thing has been an analogy for my life, and i didn't realize it til now. (before, my knitting hobby was serving as something to ponder). i had this conversation with the trainer who worked with me yesterday (i joined nysc on saturday, and cutting off from crunch) how it's hard to motivate to work when you're on your own instead of on team or some sport when a coach or teacher is expecting it, counting on it. i told him that i discovered a physical high; the first time was after my first yoga class, then my first chiropractor visit, my first shiatsu massage, then my first fruit/vegetables breakfast (i've only recently started buying & eating them in the morning! been a bagel/meat/cheese person for so long). after that all i want to do is get that again. health is a great high. and i have to take care of my back too. i will lose a few pounds and tone without trying, my body reacts so fast to consistent exercise.
maybe i will find this intellectually. the mind-body connection is more profound than i realized.
last inspired by: when i told h about how smart i think he was and how i felt i was becoming slow, he said that we just have different strengths- each person has a role and they help each other. he said i help him when i talk with him for hours, he forms the logic for his arguments by remembering conversations.
Monday, December 30, 2002
someone sent me a bunch of links to some famous blogs, like www.andrewsullivan.com. i had no idea that my dear favorite, www.drudgereport.com, was so intimately linked to this community, but it makes sense.
i am so annoyed with the first conversation i wrote about, with steve. will work out the illogical kinks and re-post.
----------------------
where i am: work
my energy: tired but relaxed
my plans: actually doing some work, and nysc training later. have to get to that diversity manual. ALSO, need to call the post office and go to small claims court to file against the agency that cashed my check to the thief. too much to do. have to move this week too- ARRRGH!
last web site remembered: www.andrewsullivan.com and the post article.
fun things today: crunching on my guiltless gourmet chips and my co-worker laughing at how loud my crunches were-made her hungry!
annoyed by: the fact that this country is fucked- reading zinn and chomsky. need to get some perspective, do some research, not get too depressed about the state of the world. afraid that chomsky may be right about the powers that be, that they would like this country to be like the third world, where they have all the wealth and the rest of us have nothing.
last inspired by: conversation w/h, about how our different talents. he's a "brancher," i'm a "constructor"
last interesting convo: see above, to be detailed later
a worry, and solution: i suck at my job and i'm going to get fired? / just keep truckin'
i am so annoyed with the first conversation i wrote about, with steve. will work out the illogical kinks and re-post.
----------------------
where i am: work
my energy: tired but relaxed
my plans: actually doing some work, and nysc training later. have to get to that diversity manual. ALSO, need to call the post office and go to small claims court to file against the agency that cashed my check to the thief. too much to do. have to move this week too- ARRRGH!
last web site remembered: www.andrewsullivan.com and the post article.
fun things today: crunching on my guiltless gourmet chips and my co-worker laughing at how loud my crunches were-made her hungry!
annoyed by: the fact that this country is fucked- reading zinn and chomsky. need to get some perspective, do some research, not get too depressed about the state of the world. afraid that chomsky may be right about the powers that be, that they would like this country to be like the third world, where they have all the wealth and the rest of us have nothing.
last inspired by: conversation w/h, about how our different talents. he's a "brancher," i'm a "constructor"
last interesting convo: see above, to be detailed later
a worry, and solution: i suck at my job and i'm going to get fired? / just keep truckin'
Sunday, December 29, 2002
crunch sucks ass. the purple/yellow interior, the bad dance music screaming overhead, and the worst part: while trying to prepare for yoga class, a bad disco song screamed over the vent for "the ride" class next door. annoying!! i'm definitely NOT joining this gym. besides, the assholes want you to commit to either 6mo, 2yrs, or 3yrs. fuck that! i'm going with nysc- quiet, month to month membership, and they have meditation.
----------------------
where i am: j's place, just finished eating
my energy: relaxed, a little anxious
my plans: editing the diversity manual-at least, downloading the files
last web site remembered: delphiforum, and rosegvr saying her response to "the icc is changing" - writing her back
fun things today: using crunch and join nysc
annoyed by: too little time for manual
where I'm going: free training at crunch, then check out nysc's gym (need to bring cds)
what i'd rather do: start editing this manual
last inspired by: remembering running in c park when i first started at NYU
last interesting convo: told j a little bit about the filmforum and the n chomsky film
a worry, and solution: being cheated on/ to trust, for the sake of the act of love, and other reasons
----------------------
where i am: j's place, just finished eating
my energy: relaxed, a little anxious
my plans: editing the diversity manual-at least, downloading the files
last web site remembered: delphiforum, and rosegvr saying her response to "the icc is changing" - writing her back
fun things today: using crunch and join nysc
annoyed by: too little time for manual
where I'm going: free training at crunch, then check out nysc's gym (need to bring cds)
what i'd rather do: start editing this manual
last inspired by: remembering running in c park when i first started at NYU
last interesting convo: told j a little bit about the filmforum and the n chomsky film
a worry, and solution: being cheated on/ to trust, for the sake of the act of love, and other reasons
Saturday, December 28, 2002
where i am: j's place, checking on things
my energy: refreshed, ready to go, feel clean
my plans: right now, eating
last web site remembered: delphiforum, and guy saying "help me out,what's a blog?"
last event: seeing power & terror (n. chomsky) at filmforum. also got "manufacturing consent" on dvd. it was awesome seeing a movie by myself for the first time. i picked a good one.
fun things today: anticipation
annoyed by: nothing
where I'm going: crunch, then break into nysc
what i'd rather do: nothing
last inspired by: remembering how great my first yoga class and first visit to the chiropracter felt
last interesting convo: this morning, w/simon my roommate- about elliot wave theory, a formula for the perfect song, making it "swing," and how sick he is of music right now. i told him i'd drag him out to non-music things.
my energy: refreshed, ready to go, feel clean
my plans: right now, eating
last web site remembered: delphiforum, and guy saying "help me out,what's a blog?"
last event: seeing power & terror (n. chomsky) at filmforum. also got "manufacturing consent" on dvd. it was awesome seeing a movie by myself for the first time. i picked a good one.
fun things today: anticipation
annoyed by: nothing
where I'm going: crunch, then break into nysc
what i'd rather do: nothing
last inspired by: remembering how great my first yoga class and first visit to the chiropracter felt
last interesting convo: this morning, w/simon my roommate- about elliot wave theory, a formula for the perfect song, making it "swing," and how sick he is of music right now. i told him i'd drag him out to non-music things.
Friday, December 27, 2002
i hate the thought of having a personal "diary" online. i know blogs are not really diaries but i've seen some like that, especially back a few years, around 1999. it seems that there are a lot of lonely people who wish to have all their private thoughts blasted into internet space. however, i do like the idea of tracking my thoughts and having the ability to see them in a larger context. if you are reading this, it is because i have privileged you, my friend, into my space.
i also enjoy ranting. my favorite place on the web is www.delphiforums.com. i like making fun of my old church, amongst other things, in exicoc_support and iccdiscussion. but it's time to move on to other things, i think...
----------------------
where i am: work
my energy: tired, restless
my plans: none, but would like to see gangs of new york. checkin' out a gym.
last web site remembered: ofoto. just sent out my holiday piccies
last event: jay leaving on tour again
fun things today: starting this blog, making comments on my pics, and setting up some polls
annoyed by: co-worker who keeps blasting loud shit on his computer
where I'm going: meeting prospective roommates
what i'd rather do: watch that movie w/someone i haven't hung out with for a while.
last inspired by: cornel west. jay and i were watching someone interview him on c-span. he talked about transformation. he thinks the scariest thing is not external, but true self-exploration. he recommended 5 books. Cornel loves jazz artists as well, as they represent to him people who are most truly being who they are.
this is why i loved gandhi, MLK, Malcolm X in college.
it is hard to be inspired lately. putting on the adult mask, going to work.
last interesting convo: with steve sykes, about identity vs conformity. not sure that's a good way to frame the argument. it began with the question, what makes a great "hit" vs. a great "song"? his example of a great "hit" that's not the other: J.Lo's "Jenny from the block." he says it appeals to middle america, in that they can be proud to be a little ghetto buying her stuff. jlo is doing great trying to keep it "real," because her lyrics resonate with common people who'll buy her shit.
i have been reading n. chomsky's "the common good" and he was just talking about how the people in power (small power tyrannies) would love to turn the U.S. into something like a third-world country, with a small elite w/all the power, and the rest of the people common w/no power. and how they try to tie capitalism & freedom together. also, they try to tie individualism and good together. making "group-think" look bad. interesting, because people need to learn how to care and "group-think" to rise up united against these small power tyrannies. so similar to the ICC. human nature doesn't change. and i saw the third-world in the philippines a month ago- wow, i can totally see it happening in nyc already, after mom & dad let me go with no support, no cushion. i appreciate it now. however, sometimes i think about how i can get more power from linking up w/elite people i know. this bothers me.
anyway, i brought up to steve the idea of tying the individual, and what's "real," with what's good. this is so the "american way" - i am not socialist, don't believe in group-think either - it's just so simplistic to moralize about either. how well we are being brainwashed.
(yes i know it's rambling and probably makes little sense... give me some time to digest it--)
i also enjoy ranting. my favorite place on the web is www.delphiforums.com. i like making fun of my old church, amongst other things, in exicoc_support and iccdiscussion. but it's time to move on to other things, i think...
----------------------
where i am: work
my energy: tired, restless
my plans: none, but would like to see gangs of new york. checkin' out a gym.
last web site remembered: ofoto. just sent out my holiday piccies
last event: jay leaving on tour again
fun things today: starting this blog, making comments on my pics, and setting up some polls
annoyed by: co-worker who keeps blasting loud shit on his computer
where I'm going: meeting prospective roommates
what i'd rather do: watch that movie w/someone i haven't hung out with for a while.
last inspired by: cornel west. jay and i were watching someone interview him on c-span. he talked about transformation. he thinks the scariest thing is not external, but true self-exploration. he recommended 5 books. Cornel loves jazz artists as well, as they represent to him people who are most truly being who they are.
this is why i loved gandhi, MLK, Malcolm X in college.
it is hard to be inspired lately. putting on the adult mask, going to work.
last interesting convo: with steve sykes, about identity vs conformity. not sure that's a good way to frame the argument. it began with the question, what makes a great "hit" vs. a great "song"? his example of a great "hit" that's not the other: J.Lo's "Jenny from the block." he says it appeals to middle america, in that they can be proud to be a little ghetto buying her stuff. jlo is doing great trying to keep it "real," because her lyrics resonate with common people who'll buy her shit.
i have been reading n. chomsky's "the common good" and he was just talking about how the people in power (small power tyrannies) would love to turn the U.S. into something like a third-world country, with a small elite w/all the power, and the rest of the people common w/no power. and how they try to tie capitalism & freedom together. also, they try to tie individualism and good together. making "group-think" look bad. interesting, because people need to learn how to care and "group-think" to rise up united against these small power tyrannies. so similar to the ICC. human nature doesn't change. and i saw the third-world in the philippines a month ago- wow, i can totally see it happening in nyc already, after mom & dad let me go with no support, no cushion. i appreciate it now. however, sometimes i think about how i can get more power from linking up w/elite people i know. this bothers me.
anyway, i brought up to steve the idea of tying the individual, and what's "real," with what's good. this is so the "american way" - i am not socialist, don't believe in group-think either - it's just so simplistic to moralize about either. how well we are being brainwashed.
(yes i know it's rambling and probably makes little sense... give me some time to digest it--)