Saturday, January 30, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Stories for Stephen
#1
I live in Potomac.
When triggered, the house alarm echoes through the entire neighborhood. The living room’s doors let in light from the yard, and were
all hot. Found the cold one – a ticket to endless
night.
Rob parked his sexy sexy motorbike like a Fuck you.
Right by the driveway - Mom could see it after waking from
one of her nightmares. In the darkness I whispered, beckoned and he squinted,
tracked me. From the television to the cloaked guest room, we duck under the
laser beam. Yes, the basement was hot
too. I’m not supposed touch this polish punk warmth cradling me in his blue eyes.
Then there was poetic Dan.
He was in steady pursuit of my thoughts. Cuddling with words
and anticipation of an empty night, we filled up with local angled color. The
DC punk industrial renaissance: Purple bangs and mohawks jump and stab the curtains
at 9:30 Club, at Tracks. Yet home for him was poetry; smells, tastes of Brazil
on glass tabletops in a DC townhome. The smell of the elderly. He was the much
youngest of 3 sons.
He joined me in Manhattan; his mother bought a studio in
midtown. At Columbia we found sex could be thundering chaotic joy and also ebb
like poetry to sad and flat. I found him and another Barnard women caressing under
stark fluorescent dorm lights. Shocked as an innocent, yet stoic - like Joan of
Arc I informed him what I stood for – faith - and that we were done. And, may have
hepatitis, thanks to Rob.
As he sobbed with fear and yet begged me to come back, I tested clean.
I don’t remember what happened to Dan. All I know is he
dropped out and moved back to Brazil, a schizophrenic spirit-filled
mutterer.
I don’t know where Rob is. He visited me at Columbia,
then stopped once I converted to Christianity.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Minana was always my private "dream" blog. Reading it again, I see streams of consciousness.
Workman-like descriptions of absurd, illusory dreams. Visual, rapid depictions of emotions triggered by friends, family & boyfriends; interpretations of events.
This is why I keep separate blogs. To maintain written clarity midst the firehose of life's sensations.
Workman-like descriptions of absurd, illusory dreams. Visual, rapid depictions of emotions triggered by friends, family & boyfriends; interpretations of events.
This is why I keep separate blogs. To maintain written clarity midst the firehose of life's sensations.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
A look back. My blogging history
(Stephen, this post is for you, as you're the only person I know who has blogged since the early/mid 90s besides me.)
This is emblematic of the "partnership" I feel with Stephen that I've had with no other 'real' boyfriend. After reading his organized, archived blogs that date way back, he's inspired me.
A brief history:
This is emblematic of the "partnership" I feel with Stephen that I've had with no other 'real' boyfriend. After reading his organized, archived blogs that date way back, he's inspired me.
A brief history:
- Heard my first "internet connection" briefly via phone dialing to another computer at Brandi's dad's computer. Fourth grade, 1984.
- Discovered the internet via email, IRC and Gopher on Columbia U's Unix back in 1992. Created my first personal web site on Unix, which also contained my first blog posts.
- Argued about Christianity & religion on IRC, as I'd converted via ICOC in my sophomore year. Transferred the personal web site to Geocities.com, but lost it + the blog when Geocities shut down in 2009 :(
- Obsessed with my first blog - a crazy teenage chick who whined about high school and wrestled her own domain from her mother - while I was working at NYU Med Center (1997-8). Started debating about religion on delphiforums.com, where I made my first online only friends at ICC Discussion Forum.
- First online dates happened around 2002 after I broke up with Jay. Began with an UWS dating coffee shop that had binders with profiles, which transitioned online. Joined Nerve+Lava Life, later OKCupid when Nerve shut down; then the apps came along (Tinder, Hinge, the League). Never met a real boyfriend online (until recently)!
- Started an anti-ICOC blog in 2002, when the church started falling apart, summarizing some of the Delphi discussion. (Actually made money off it with Google Adwords!)
- Joined Friendster which I was obsessed with til it shut down. Then MySpace, then Facebook in 2003, where I found old Harvard friends.
- Facebook became an obsession when it took off. Still is. Joined Twitter in 2009.
- Not counting Facebook and Twitter, total of 11 blogs.
- CU Unix>Geocities personal site/blog (now defunct) 1994-2009
- Minana 2002
- ICOC Blogspot 2003
- Artistic, liberal Tablangs only 2004
- NYC Noise 2005
- Tablang Family Blog 2011
- Time Out Project (formerly Education/Healthcare Reform blog) 2012
- Thoughts, suspended 2012
- Uberlyft blog 2015
- Peakfoqus blog 2015
- Medium 2015
- I'll be online a while. There it is, in one place. Thanks Stephen :)
Sunday, July 12, 2015
I haven't remembered any significant dreams since May 2011
When I had my accident. Nothing lucid.
Will begin documenting again now with the gathering of angels.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
We were at d's acr, in the bathroom. D said he wanted to go to my apt. He started gathering stuff to bring over. It hadn't dawned on me that he really wanted to do it and def not at that moment. I asked what he was doing and he said me that we really were going to head over. ( is this dream based on a wish, or on intuition?)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
3 dreams. 1 twin.
1. At a conference, I take a homely servant down to the hotel basement for some action. When I came back up, the hotel mgr demanded I pay for a room and a guest fee.
D: He dreams we are in a house and he's telling me about a hot chick. I have a servant summon her. I ask the girl questions, and don't like how the servant is talking and I put my finger to my lips.
2. Dr L. starting to make the moves in me in front of other people. We are sitting in a circle with one other person, a man.
1. At a conference, I take a homely servant down to the hotel basement for some action. When I came back up, the hotel mgr demanded I pay for a room and a guest fee.
D: He dreams we are in a house and he's telling me about a hot chick. I have a servant summon her. I ask the girl questions, and don't like how the servant is talking and I put my finger to my lips.
2. Dr L. starting to make the moves in me in front of other people. We are sitting in a circle with one other person, a man.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Twin dreams
Twin dreams with D today:
1) D dreamt he was at the house he where grew up in Ohio, with me and a cute black and white, medium size dog (buddy??). There were dominatrixes in the house too,
running an S&M business. He was upset with them and wanted them to leave, because he was afraid they would let the dog out. I was a dominatrix too but not with them. I wasn't doing dominatrix stuff during the dream. (When I asked him what he thought it was about, and he said he didn't know and wondered what I thought. I asked what he thought again, and he said maybe that he likes dogs because the dog was there. (that dog is very representative of his wanting relationships.)
2) I dreamt that we were at a house, staying with a bunch of people, and my brother was there too. We were sitting together in a room, talking about all kinds of things and reminiscing. Then Dan had to go to school (we were all Columbia U students) and he put on a white wool jacket to go. I was sad and missed him because we were just
starting to prepare a party and he wasn't there. A bunch of dominatrix-like girls were preparing the bbq, and I got annoyed because one of them brought the outdoor cleaning broom/bin inside to the kitchen. In the midst of organizing the BBQ, they decided to move it to the front yard.
----
New relationship issues... D told me that he doesn't want me to assume we'll hang every Saturday, because he's afraid of routine and getting bored. He also he fears being alone, yet is so comfortable being alone, so he needs a lot of space. I get so mad but then he's so happy when I've given him space, and I like being around him when he's happy. Ugh. Relationships.
1) D dreamt he was at the house he where grew up in Ohio, with me and a cute black and white, medium size dog (buddy??). There were dominatrixes in the house too,
running an S&M business. He was upset with them and wanted them to leave, because he was afraid they would let the dog out. I was a dominatrix too but not with them. I wasn't doing dominatrix stuff during the dream. (When I asked him what he thought it was about, and he said he didn't know and wondered what I thought. I asked what he thought again, and he said maybe that he likes dogs because the dog was there. (that dog is very representative of his wanting relationships.)
2) I dreamt that we were at a house, staying with a bunch of people, and my brother was there too. We were sitting together in a room, talking about all kinds of things and reminiscing. Then Dan had to go to school (we were all Columbia U students) and he put on a white wool jacket to go. I was sad and missed him because we were just
starting to prepare a party and he wasn't there. A bunch of dominatrix-like girls were preparing the bbq, and I got annoyed because one of them brought the outdoor cleaning broom/bin inside to the kitchen. In the midst of organizing the BBQ, they decided to move it to the front yard.
----
New relationship issues... D told me that he doesn't want me to assume we'll hang every Saturday, because he's afraid of routine and getting bored. He also he fears being alone, yet is so comfortable being alone, so he needs a lot of space. I get so mad but then he's so happy when I've given him space, and I like being around him when he's happy. Ugh. Relationships.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Exam hell - Orgo 1
3 dreams:
1. Mom and I were in a new beautiful house with incredible moldings in the ceiling. But there was some type of leak that was spreading from the upper floors, leaving a liquid brown trail. We sat looking up at the beautiful moldings and I told mom, good thing we have those really nice ceiling moldings. The leak was hidden behind them.
2. B&b model project opened a branch in the ghetto, to help out the neighborhood and market themselves. They asked the ghetto kids to help them promote. One of the girls said, "no way!! am I going to do that!"
3. I was standing in my bathroom with Brad and I was telling him how I had a revelation that really helped me understand the conservative/neocon point of view. He nodded though a bit skeptically.
----------------
These dreams came after I finished hell week. Earlier in the week I had more dreams where I was doing a chick who came up to me at a conference. She lived in a commune and had to kick 16 people out of her room. So I brought her to my studio but the landlord had been working on my door locks but they were even more busted with only a piece of wood on the door that didn't hold it shut. Dr R thinks that dream is about pleasing my mom. That's what I think about when going through this med school hell, is making my mom happy. It's a bigger part of it all then I care to admit.
Perhaps the leak, the B&b promotion, and my realization about neocons are all the same thing... the doubts, persuading myself to think and do things that are not necessarily what I want, at least not 100%. The drive and dream to get into med school and become a physician is now a bigger % mine than before, but perhaps it's still only a fraction, maybe 50 or 60%, of it all. People are skeptical.
1. Mom and I were in a new beautiful house with incredible moldings in the ceiling. But there was some type of leak that was spreading from the upper floors, leaving a liquid brown trail. We sat looking up at the beautiful moldings and I told mom, good thing we have those really nice ceiling moldings. The leak was hidden behind them.
2. B&b model project opened a branch in the ghetto, to help out the neighborhood and market themselves. They asked the ghetto kids to help them promote. One of the girls said, "no way!! am I going to do that!"
3. I was standing in my bathroom with Brad and I was telling him how I had a revelation that really helped me understand the conservative/neocon point of view. He nodded though a bit skeptically.
----------------
These dreams came after I finished hell week. Earlier in the week I had more dreams where I was doing a chick who came up to me at a conference. She lived in a commune and had to kick 16 people out of her room. So I brought her to my studio but the landlord had been working on my door locks but they were even more busted with only a piece of wood on the door that didn't hold it shut. Dr R thinks that dream is about pleasing my mom. That's what I think about when going through this med school hell, is making my mom happy. It's a bigger part of it all then I care to admit.
Perhaps the leak, the B&b promotion, and my realization about neocons are all the same thing... the doubts, persuading myself to think and do things that are not necessarily what I want, at least not 100%. The drive and dream to get into med school and become a physician is now a bigger % mine than before, but perhaps it's still only a fraction, maybe 50 or 60%, of it all. People are skeptical.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Gary and B and rationalization
B told me that his boyfriend, Gary, got married to their friend
upstairs, who had already been married before. When I expressed
confusion about the scenario, B assured me that it was okay but it
obviously seemed like rationalization, intellectualization. I felt
frustrated and sad for B.
----
H had challenged me last night about my actions with d this past
weekend (Halloween, we played after I didn't speak with him for 2
weeks). He said I was rationalizing; it's easy to be deceived. I don't
think I am. But the most helpful thing was 1) he also challenged me to
think "why am I doing this" for every action and 2) d's friend bry
said in general you have to listen to your heart esp when u r highly
intellectual. jade says the same thing.
upstairs, who had already been married before. When I expressed
confusion about the scenario, B assured me that it was okay but it
obviously seemed like rationalization, intellectualization. I felt
frustrated and sad for B.
----
H had challenged me last night about my actions with d this past
weekend (Halloween, we played after I didn't speak with him for 2
weeks). He said I was rationalizing; it's easy to be deceived. I don't
think I am. But the most helpful thing was 1) he also challenged me to
think "why am I doing this" for every action and 2) d's friend bry
said in general you have to listen to your heart esp when u r highly
intellectual. jade says the same thing.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
ICOC homecoming
I was at a gathering at X's apartment, who used to lead hunter with Andrew and had a frog tat on her toe. This was years later after I'd already left. I mentioned that I was not into the church thing anymore, and X had a hard time keeping a straight face; her disapproval was in her body language.
Monica was there too and was loudly verbally gossiping about me. So through the door I started loudly gossiping about what a b* leader she was.
On the other side of the apartment were those of us who left. One girl was there, Carla (not a person from real life) who I found hilarious. I brought a bunch of filipino desserts and fruits for us to munch on, while we were discussing having left, and the others. I ate mostly then offered it to others, who all pounced on it.
I was walking down some stairs outside with one of the guys from the party, who looked like Andy from the bear ride (who helped Serena). I felt confident and in control.
----------
I had told H about my interactions with R, S and Cole (who had all sort of hit on me one way or another) and the verdict was basically to move on. Although H was sort of hitting on me too. I am pretty much over the crushes for now. It's nice to be admired, though.
Monica was there too and was loudly verbally gossiping about me. So through the door I started loudly gossiping about what a b* leader she was.
On the other side of the apartment were those of us who left. One girl was there, Carla (not a person from real life) who I found hilarious. I brought a bunch of filipino desserts and fruits for us to munch on, while we were discussing having left, and the others. I ate mostly then offered it to others, who all pounced on it.
I was walking down some stairs outside with one of the guys from the party, who looked like Andy from the bear ride (who helped Serena). I felt confident and in control.
----------
I had told H about my interactions with R, S and Cole (who had all sort of hit on me one way or another) and the verdict was basically to move on. Although H was sort of hitting on me too. I am pretty much over the crushes for now. It's nice to be admired, though.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Moving Dream
I was moving from my apartment in Dave's house; but I had a different landlord, who was a middle eastern or black guy who was trying to help me for the move, which I had waited to do til the last minute. I started trying to pack stuff, but there no boxes for move, except for cardboard boxes I had stored stuff in. I moved around videotapes in existing box in an attempt to start putting things in there.
My new apt is in town, and I wonder about parking space for my car since parking tix come easily. There's a driveway for car in back, wonder if the landlord will let me use it. I see a pretty indian girl with a car back there who says hello to me as she walks to her car, talking on phone with friend about indian things, and I wonder if she lives there too.
Suddenly I'm in the driveway with Nadine L in the car with husband. She is talking on the phone giving advice as a lawyer. Her husband takes the rear mirror, and adjusts it at a weird angle for a friend of mine who's sitting in passenger seat, and doesn't want it the regular way for some reason. He bends it to the right, not very useful for the driver. I flipped down the mirror to try and help them. he wants it facing him so he can actually use the mirror somehow. I put it back for him and he makes minor adjustments.
--------------------
I have a new crush, yet am feeling anxiety about any possibility of a new relationship. I fear that it will just remain a crush and will be a painful one to boot, and I am just not ready to feel any pain again. Yet I still pursue it in my mind; can't help it. He is giving mixed signals, and those signals were leaning toward not interested today. I wonder if he is gay. He sent me pics of me he took today when we were riding. Pushed me up the hill. Talked to me. Yet avoided my gaze the entire time.
My new apt is in town, and I wonder about parking space for my car since parking tix come easily. There's a driveway for car in back, wonder if the landlord will let me use it. I see a pretty indian girl with a car back there who says hello to me as she walks to her car, talking on phone with friend about indian things, and I wonder if she lives there too.
Suddenly I'm in the driveway with Nadine L in the car with husband. She is talking on the phone giving advice as a lawyer. Her husband takes the rear mirror, and adjusts it at a weird angle for a friend of mine who's sitting in passenger seat, and doesn't want it the regular way for some reason. He bends it to the right, not very useful for the driver. I flipped down the mirror to try and help them. he wants it facing him so he can actually use the mirror somehow. I put it back for him and he makes minor adjustments.
--------------------
I have a new crush, yet am feeling anxiety about any possibility of a new relationship. I fear that it will just remain a crush and will be a painful one to boot, and I am just not ready to feel any pain again. Yet I still pursue it in my mind; can't help it. He is giving mixed signals, and those signals were leaning toward not interested today. I wonder if he is gay. He sent me pics of me he took today when we were riding. Pushed me up the hill. Talked to me. Yet avoided my gaze the entire time.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Keys, and a Blue Snake Pulls Out a Gold Bracelet
A bunch of us were at the office at night due to some kind of convention or event. Steve m was cleaning out a cubicle as I watched. There was a file holder with a bunch of keys in them that he started to throw away, and I stopped him. Then Jenny G from TNT came up and said no, I had to throw them out. But I thought I needed them and made Steve keep them even though it was in a messy pile and I didn't necessarily know what they opened.
I was walking through the lobby and walked past the "Derek C" show (Jeremy H's psychic). His face was painted in white outline against a blue wall. This was clearly where the studio audience went to go see his show live.
Then I was outside somewhere that looked like Harlem. I watched a hispanic street guy washing something blue by one of those roller carts. When I looked again, I realized it was a big blue snake (same bright blue as Derek C's show's wall) that he was washing. The man was holding him out like he was a little afraid. I had for some reason swallowed a gold chain and some other things. Before I knew it, I had the blue snake in my stomach, and his head was coming out of my mouth. I freaked, but then realized that I just had to relax my stomach and the snake would come out. When he came out completely, the gold bracelet came out with him. I swallowed it back.
The snake slithered out to the corner where some regular moms stood with children and their dogs. The mom welcomed the snake as if she knew the snake, as if it were a cute dog.
-----
I had called Derek C bc I knew I had to make some big decisions. I let him know later that I thought it was a lot of money, until I had to make a big decision where I really needed to talk to him. At first I thought the topic for discussion would be about ph vs us med, but this morning I realized I should talk to him about Columbia v Hunter since I got a 2nd interview at C for a research job although it paid half of what I make now, with little chance to publish. I am loving my work at S right now and my salary so I feel really torn. Last night I had gone to orientation at H and told C and Frank about the decision. I really don't know what I'll do if I'm offered the position. I really want to continue work with S but don't know if that's possible, even on a consulting basis with school and f/t at Columbia.
This dream is clearly related to that conflict over losing half my salary to the possible C med ctr research position that may be offered to me (I got a second interview yesterday).
Keys represent opportunity and unexpected changes. Work (Steve M) has been presenting opportunities lately, and my pursuit of medicine/passion (which Jenny G represents through TNT) represents my having to reject the opportunities that my work with S presents.
Blue represents intellectual and spiritual insights. The blue snake stand for fear... as well as transformation, death, rebirth as a result of those insights. Perhaps the dream says that once I let go of the fear, that is what will bring rebirth and success out of me (gold). But I wanted to keep the gold in my stomach. Stomach represents new changes, which hold success and wealth but it is shown to me before it is given to me in the transformation.
And the mothers who welcomed the snake like a cute pet -- I viewed them in the dream as typical, average people with family and kids -- a future I feel really ambivalent about at this point. Yet the snake leaves me to the gold and becomes a pet of the average person, who I am not. Not sure what that's about.
I was walking through the lobby and walked past the "Derek C" show (Jeremy H's psychic). His face was painted in white outline against a blue wall. This was clearly where the studio audience went to go see his show live.
Then I was outside somewhere that looked like Harlem. I watched a hispanic street guy washing something blue by one of those roller carts. When I looked again, I realized it was a big blue snake (same bright blue as Derek C's show's wall) that he was washing. The man was holding him out like he was a little afraid. I had for some reason swallowed a gold chain and some other things. Before I knew it, I had the blue snake in my stomach, and his head was coming out of my mouth. I freaked, but then realized that I just had to relax my stomach and the snake would come out. When he came out completely, the gold bracelet came out with him. I swallowed it back.
The snake slithered out to the corner where some regular moms stood with children and their dogs. The mom welcomed the snake as if she knew the snake, as if it were a cute dog.
-----
I had called Derek C bc I knew I had to make some big decisions. I let him know later that I thought it was a lot of money, until I had to make a big decision where I really needed to talk to him. At first I thought the topic for discussion would be about ph vs us med, but this morning I realized I should talk to him about Columbia v Hunter since I got a 2nd interview at C for a research job although it paid half of what I make now, with little chance to publish. I am loving my work at S right now and my salary so I feel really torn. Last night I had gone to orientation at H and told C and Frank about the decision. I really don't know what I'll do if I'm offered the position. I really want to continue work with S but don't know if that's possible, even on a consulting basis with school and f/t at Columbia.
This dream is clearly related to that conflict over losing half my salary to the possible C med ctr research position that may be offered to me (I got a second interview yesterday).
Keys represent opportunity and unexpected changes. Work (Steve M) has been presenting opportunities lately, and my pursuit of medicine/passion (which Jenny G represents through TNT) represents my having to reject the opportunities that my work with S presents.
Blue represents intellectual and spiritual insights. The blue snake stand for fear... as well as transformation, death, rebirth as a result of those insights. Perhaps the dream says that once I let go of the fear, that is what will bring rebirth and success out of me (gold). But I wanted to keep the gold in my stomach. Stomach represents new changes, which hold success and wealth but it is shown to me before it is given to me in the transformation.
And the mothers who welcomed the snake like a cute pet -- I viewed them in the dream as typical, average people with family and kids -- a future I feel really ambivalent about at this point. Yet the snake leaves me to the gold and becomes a pet of the average person, who I am not. Not sure what that's about.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Wilderness and the Healed to become Healer
I was in California with mom and our "family" (who I didn't know) and we were camping out in the woods for some reason (looked like the campground from Maui). Mom was making some food in a fire, and I noticed that there were three tents to house all of us. It was very roomy. I marveled at the fact that we were camping, and wondered why we had decided to do that.
Then I was at D's and my old apartment. I was helping get the closet room ready for the party, and Bruce from work was helping me. We started arranging folding chairs against the walls, and I noticed a piano, not the steinway, was in the room. F, D's dad, told me that the steinway was given away, but they kept the other piano. I didn't remember there being another piano.
I started looking my Zipp 202s, which I had left at the house, and in a corner instead I found some other things, mostly gloves, pillow cases, scarves. Then I went into the office room and in the corner were a bunch of wheels clustered together. They included some crappy wheels plus some extremely nice wheels, recent model 303s, that were clumped in there. I was pretty excited to find those and started digging them out. Then D came out and started being an annoying, whiny bastard, and I remember being irritated with him. Stefan, D's friend, was there, watching the conflict from behind D, but choosing not comment or involve himself.
Then later S came up to me with a pretty girl friend of his, while I was dealing with the wheels. He said that she wanted to know if she should see a doctor about her face, which was numb along the jawline. I said that she should go see a doctor about it, and stated a few things it might be. And then she tried to get me to give her real medical advice so she wouldn't have to see a doctor. I said that I couldn't help her because I didn't know the answer and that she should go to a doctor. I was not a doctor in the dream, but somehow she felt that I could still help her.
----
I've been thinking about forgiveness for both mom and D. Not sure what camping dream is about; maybe it's that mom's and my relationship is in the wilderness now, living in an unfamiliar setting because I am now deciding to not talk to her often and figure out the best way to handle her toxic ways.
The apartment is D's and my relationship. The "other" piano represents the new girl, while the steinway that was given away, represents me. Bruce and the party is my getting ready to make sense of the relationship; however there is still some unfinished business, like my getting my stuff out. However there are some undiscovered gems or lessons, represented by the unexpected Zipp 303 find, as well as still painful memories, with D yelling and S observing it all. (D gossiped meanly about me to all of his friends. That hurt.) The girl wanting my medical advice is just a likely result of the relationship--people needing me to become a healer, as I will become a good one through my making sense of my own emotions.
I had met a new boy on my bike ride yesterday too. Probably won't lead anywhere, but definitely generated some feelings.
Then I was at D's and my old apartment. I was helping get the closet room ready for the party, and Bruce from work was helping me. We started arranging folding chairs against the walls, and I noticed a piano, not the steinway, was in the room. F, D's dad, told me that the steinway was given away, but they kept the other piano. I didn't remember there being another piano.
I started looking my Zipp 202s, which I had left at the house, and in a corner instead I found some other things, mostly gloves, pillow cases, scarves. Then I went into the office room and in the corner were a bunch of wheels clustered together. They included some crappy wheels plus some extremely nice wheels, recent model 303s, that were clumped in there. I was pretty excited to find those and started digging them out. Then D came out and started being an annoying, whiny bastard, and I remember being irritated with him. Stefan, D's friend, was there, watching the conflict from behind D, but choosing not comment or involve himself.
Then later S came up to me with a pretty girl friend of his, while I was dealing with the wheels. He said that she wanted to know if she should see a doctor about her face, which was numb along the jawline. I said that she should go see a doctor about it, and stated a few things it might be. And then she tried to get me to give her real medical advice so she wouldn't have to see a doctor. I said that I couldn't help her because I didn't know the answer and that she should go to a doctor. I was not a doctor in the dream, but somehow she felt that I could still help her.
----
I've been thinking about forgiveness for both mom and D. Not sure what camping dream is about; maybe it's that mom's and my relationship is in the wilderness now, living in an unfamiliar setting because I am now deciding to not talk to her often and figure out the best way to handle her toxic ways.
The apartment is D's and my relationship. The "other" piano represents the new girl, while the steinway that was given away, represents me. Bruce and the party is my getting ready to make sense of the relationship; however there is still some unfinished business, like my getting my stuff out. However there are some undiscovered gems or lessons, represented by the unexpected Zipp 303 find, as well as still painful memories, with D yelling and S observing it all. (D gossiped meanly about me to all of his friends. That hurt.) The girl wanting my medical advice is just a likely result of the relationship--people needing me to become a healer, as I will become a good one through my making sense of my own emotions.
I had met a new boy on my bike ride yesterday too. Probably won't lead anywhere, but definitely generated some feelings.