White kit

me, inge, and 2 other girls (heidi maybe, and another inexperienced one) were on comedy central and had on white kits. the inexperienced girl didn't know anything, was confused... i knew when i should wear my kit and when i shouldn't. We went to a theater/locker room somewhere (locker room was upstairs), I was offstage taking off the kit when K walked on stage and started reading something I'd written about wanting to sell some stuff, to a crowd out in the audience. She began to criticize it onstage, saying I should have stated it more simply. It was written in a very complicated, overly formal way (like a bad med school essay).
Later K and I were at someone's house, preparing food in their kitchen. I asked her how I could change it to be simpler, and she started to say but I already knew and told her how I would. Then I asked her why she had to go and criticize me in front of a whole bunch of people like that.

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I know now that I am exceptionally smart and talented, and furthermore am able to stand up for myself.
I think there's something also about image and the costume, that I know my true self and only put on the image when it's needed for less enlightened people, since i can't walk around with a harvard diploma all day.
Also I will stand up for myself, although I doubt myself initially -- but I overcome it and realize again, that I am talented, smart and can overcome others' criticisms and even learn from them. Whether the criticism is reasonable or not, I'll learn how realistic or unrealistic that person is.

2 other dreams from the weekend.

1. C, an older premed friend who overcame a lot, had a party. He was being hounded by journalists, even helicopters. I asked him why. He said it may have to do with the fact he edited the stanford newspaper.
We were then in a basement, and he was having us all write an exercise. He told us to write down the question, and then we would write down the answer. The questions was, what activity do you do that inspires you? I asked him to repeat the question. Then I was going to write about triathlon, but decided to write about writing instead. I wrote: "Writing inspires me because it helps me sort out my thoughts." Then I began to elaborate. The others were still confused about the question itself and were still trying to write it down.

2. I was in a triathlon, which had a big party before it. L, my coworker and now boss, was in the race too. Right before the run, I sat down to read a book, very contemplatively, and got caught up in it so that I nearly forgot I was in a race. When I realized it, I began to run, with the book. I reached the finish line, and L came up right after me. She said, "You are so nice this time!" I honestly felt that I had been the same. She was just interpreting my behavior differently.
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C is basically me, and what I want to achieve. What do I want? To perfect something. To be extremely good at something. But what I also want to do is to help people learn about and transform themselves through hearing about my experiences. That is my goal. It is what I'm good at doing.

I have learned a lot from triathlon. The most valuable thing? To slow down, and think. To not push all my activity to a rigid goal, but to be aware of the situation and be flexible; I will still reach my goal. That's what's different about how I am approaching medicine this time. Among other things, it has helped L to feel happier and less threatened by me, but it has already begun to improve my relationships in general. I had decided this weekend to make relationships a priority above everything else.

tita cher and the pig fetuses

tita cherry had agreed to give us pig fetuses and some candles. we had paid her; they were passed down to us from an altar. but there were hungry tigers in the congregation, and they chewed the fetuses up on the way, although the candles were okay. i was upset about the chewed up pig fetuses and confronted her. I asked her, what would YOU expect if you paid $100 for something. she smiled helplessly and shrugged her shoulders as she usually does when she thinks i'm totally wrong but she can't persuade me.
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tita cher is herself, with all the promises that medicine would meet my needs, assuming mine are the same as the family's -- but mine are not. they are ego needs, vs. the economic needs of my family who were raised in the philippines. she thinks i should do med school in the philippines to save money. good point, as i hate debt, but what am i giving up if get into school here but decide to go to ph anyway?
earlier as part of the seven stories exercise, i'd written how proud i was to enjoy the dissection of pig fetuses in bio. the pig fetuses represent my goals to do surgery; the wolves are my tita cherry's perspective, and perhaps my own realism, attempting to destroy in my dreams which i have begun to invest in. That investment includes my own opening up to tita cher.

Music

This morning: Put on "I'm Just a Girl" (No Doubt) for no reason.
Meditation: Reading Jade's book on Hecate, he explains the power of woman to burn karma. Then I remembered Susan's telling me of seeing Dave's higher self over me. These two ideas together really transform the way I see him and our friendship.

Post Jade karma reading and future success in film 3/9/09

Richard Branson (Virgin founder) was in the bleachers at the back of this beach I've dreamt of before -- where large tidal waves came in to destroy in past dreams, there now was a calm ocean but in the middle of the night. And although it was the middle of the night, he asked me to join him scuba diving. He was about to start a trip into the ocean but the person he was going with had not shown up and so he invited me to take his place. I dove into the ocean with him but realized I needed equipment I went to mom's across the street to grab stuff, and I kept forgetting stuff and having to come back. She nagged a little. I finally had all of my stuff, and the other person had shown up too, but apparently it was fine and we all gathered our equipment together to head out into the sea.

Nikki dream

I was at a Xmas party hosted by B. and their family. I was trying to fit in as J. was feeling jealous and wierd with me. My job was to put up one wall of Xmas lights against the ceiling - the other 3 walls were done. I tried to put a set of lights up that matched, but they totally mismatched and blinked in a clashing pattern. I went to the bathroom to fix my makeup. The bathroom was a public bathroom. Nikki was there covered in the ladies' sanitary bin trash. She looked so cute, like uh oh I'm going to get into trouble. Then I was bringing Nikki to church with my mom and dad. I only wanted to bring her because they said dogs were welcome. We had to go down a very crowded hallway, lots of people. I had to pull a little on her leash because she was all tremblina and scared. I decided it would be best to leave with her, and she was very relieved by that.
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Been having second thoughts about going back to move to MD and whether I would really fit in. I left because that area was too conservative for me, and thought I've changed and grown enough to handle it better, but during Xmas I found that was totally not the case.

Old woman dreams

1. Dec 08 -- I was talking with a young woman in the street. Suddenly she disappeared and her sister appeared, looking for her. We entered an apartment and found her, but now she was an older woman. It turned out she was not a ghost but someone living in another dimension. We were in an amazing apartment, beautifully appointed. But she was running from something that was chasing her. We got in a SUV and she had a crew of tough dread guys in the back. A grungy goth chick broke into the car as we were driving and I knew she was evil and had something scary and wrong with her. The dread guy struggled with her as he tried to push her out of the car.

2. 1/2/08 -- I was in charge of helping a very sick older woman travel home by plane. I was part of a team of doctors who was to ensure she and another patient stayed hooked up to machines. The other patient was a young woman who was easy to care for, very obedient. But the older woman refused to stay hooked up and tore the machines off, and wandered around, ranting at those who were trying to take care of her. When we landed, her family, who was also resistant, were there. The older lady complained to the doctor that she felt a burning in her crotch. The doctor said that complaint was so overused and was nothing. I told the doctor with urgency that we really needed to talk to the family to make sure they ensured the older lady got treatment, but the doctor shrugged and refused to do anything. I gathered the family together to talk to them, and motioned the doctor to come over but she would not.

Worried about getting older; struggling with "evil Minda" named by dave and mom; soul searching; move to Walden.

Dreams connected to each other

I was traveling on a road to go meet this big dj guy who was a friend of derek's bc he just wanted to see how I was doing presumably. As it always happens, he was vibing me but I paid no attention. We were drinking and it got late and we went our separate ways. Then I was backing out of the restaurant still a little drunk-the parking lot was on a slope right next to the street. I saw a car coming and thought I could do a tighter turn within the parking lot but instead I swerved right out into the street. Mysteriously, I didn't hit the car. But then I realized I had no idea how to get home, though I knew the way perfectly before. (this dream was week after I got off prednisone for the bee. I was very depressed from the meds.)

The reason I titled the post this way is that road I was on was similar or even the same as an earlier one from another dream.

mothers, deans and maids

1. My friend and I were at my mom's (not my real one but some weird creepy one). We were lying on the bed and she asked us to cover our eyes as she went into some secret place to give us a surprise. I kept one eye open thought. She went into a closet and brought us some very expensive drinks in tea bottles, which looked like it had perfume insignias in it and a sachet of something floating inside. She said you pour it over oranges and it tastes delicious. Later I was with my real mom, and she was showing me all these great bags. I thought they were real gucci bags but she said they were fakes. I asked her how I could get one and she said she bought them in california.
2. I was roommates with these 2 academic deans and they had a maid who was a former dean. The maid asked if I wanted her to go through my stuff, and I said I did NOT want that. Later one of the dean roommates pointed out the maid had gotten accolades for her innovative ways of organizing people's stuff. She showed me a video brochure, but it included pictures of naked women shaving. Very weird.

statue, book, forgot a lot of it

1. I'm reading a book, and the author, who seems wholesome and sweet, has pictures of herself in the back that become increasing pornographic as i flipped back.
2. The woman had a huge celebration of her birthday and someone had created a huge, lifelike statue of her with a mattress in the middle that bounced. Even her white, patchy pink skin was emulated perfectly from a distance. When you got up close you could see it was actually pink graffiti. She was sitting on the mattress enjoying it while other people gave her praises. At one point she got off the mattress and some people decided to try it out. I was sitting on it when some young guys started stepping on it with their shoes. I asked them to take off their shoes and they ignored me. I started yelling and they decided to just walk away. I yelled Fuck You !!! really loud at them as they walked away.

anabaptist queens college and obnoxious neighbors

I was somehow connected with a new innovative college in NYC called anabaptist queens college. It was all about encouraging creativity and learning through innovative, unusual teaching methods. There was a video brochure that showed student testimonials of how they were able to complete museum quality sculpture and other fantastic projects. One picture I remember were a bunch of dummies tossed in a bix box with the real artists, smiling from inside the box. But the college was having a hard time with accountability and the state was threatening to shut it down. I believe the video was a response to this threatened shutdown.

I was in a dorm or apartment with a lot of young people, working on a report. Dave and some friends wanted to go. I said they had to wait, because I had to finish what I was doing and put on my shoes. After a while they asked if I was ready, and I still was not. Some random neighbor living above me in a loft started yelling at me about this, and I ranted back at him very angrily - "you don't know my background or anything about me!!!!! how dare you start yelling at me like that!"

nadine and two lecherous men

I was at a new job where two men, an old one and a young one, began making aggressive passes at me after I had worked with them for a while and trusted them.
The building we were in had a lobby. Nadine L was one of the lobby hostesses (I remember most her change after moving to London, adopting a british accent within a year and transforming herself into what she wanted to be, a Euro siren - now she's working in Europe in marketing). I asked her to store a big package wrapped in a white bag for me. I don't remember what it was.
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A career wish dream?

wedding and rocking boat

we were having an engagement party but dave was in dan singer's body - but it was dave. bn was there too, with an and he was friendly. i believed we would even be able to exchange email.
switch to a rocking boat on the water... it was all rusted metal. not sure if the party was on that boat or if it was separate from the dream before that.

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i had been thinking about how i'd been a jerk to ds and felt bad about it. (not as bad as bn had been but similar. good to realize that i've hurt others too). i found a pic of him online - he's doing great, working in intl trade for a big company, looks great too. mom said he's married. at one time before i met dave, i felt pissed that i'd dismissed a good guy like him. i'm happy for him though.
i was feeling depressed yesterday, felt like i'd not lived up to mom's and dad's expectations (though in many ways dad's success was luck as well as hard work), as dave and i walked past all the fancy places along WEA, and the new trump building on 72nd street. dammmit, i would like to have a choice to live there or somewhere fancy like that... for the beauty, the peace of mind that a nice clean environmt gives. dave talked to me about my mental models ... he was very helpful. he is a healer. he also put his hands on me like reiki and unintentionally gave me the energy to get up and walk outside to the reservoir with him (though i still felt like i couldn't run)

Pie and a Cult place

1. Jill Stephenson, a bulimic girl from my class at HA was teaching me, with her mother, how to make a pie and fill it. The pie was more like a cake. They sliced the cake in a circle near the edge and lifted off the cake edges. They then pressed filling through a crack that they opened in the middle, and it seemed very inefficient.
2. Two men were forcing me along, pulling me by my shirt. I struggled but they would not let go. I said quietly,'Help,' to passers by. One brave group took hold of me and refused to let me go with the men, but I asked them to let me go as if nothing happened and to call the police instead, because I knew someone could really get hurt as the men had guns. We arrived at a large area which was filled with cult followers. People who had been forced into this place, like me, were leading meetings. They looked at me as if they were as in much pain as me but recognizing there was nothing that can be done. The men continued to drag me along.

I told susan about this dream, the day before she performed sekh em on me and also gave me a 2nd reading.

This entire summer I worked on a huge data project that was tremendously important for sales. It took up my whole life practically but I enjoyed the challenge. My relationship with DM has been good and getting better. It's been almost 2 years. He now wants to marry me. I think I want to marry him too.

Bizarre dreams in one week

1. Yet another BN dream where he actually approaches and talks to me in a friendly way
2. Among other luxuries, I receive a toy plane for with its own pilot. Turns out the friendly pilot is actually a small human, and I find that there are new government regulations that force me to adopt this small human being and treat it well according to the regulations. It's completely bizarre the pilot is so small and looks like a toy.
3. (Night after planning trip to India Himalayas with my new lonely planet guidebooks - talked to Sinta, also going with DM) I am listening in on a mission control that is trying to figure out how to crash land to jet military planes without blowing up an entire water field. They guide the jets to a spot where there is supposedly nothing underneath. There is a closeup of the planes going into the water and I see that at the bottom, there is something that looks like a building or structure there that can blow up. Suddenly I am in the water, as if ejected from one of the jets, swimming furiously to leave the spot where the jets entered the water, getting away from the impending explosion.
4. (same night) I am at a Bloomingdale's in a city, trying to get on a bus home, but it looks like it's only for spa customers to bring them to another building uptown. I have to wait and it's raining.

Eastern Music Festival

Part I.
I had to live with Edwin (this smart, geeky black dude. he's someone I knew from MD church but here he's an EMFer.) It was his idea to live in this horrible cheap apartment building with these drug dealer guys who tried to break into your place as soon as you left. I was planning on attending Eastern Music Festival, but was attending a Harvard summer session after I graduated and the last week overlapped with the first week of EMF. When the last week came I realized that I had forgotten my music books, which I needed for auditions the first week. I was wandering the practice rooms and went to the grocery with John Delia (Ceci's boyfriend at EMF) with a group of people. Somehow I was able to find my music books When I got back Edwin asked if I wanted to switch rooms. Dave was there. It was assumed that of course I would stay with him now. But when I got up the next morning, Edwin was sleeping in the other bed and all my stuff obviously been moved and thrown into the drawers. I wondered where Dave was.

Part II.
So I was back on the Guilford College campus for Eastern music festival, living the old life again, but as an adult along with Ceci Black, who was there too as an adult, along with the college and hs students. Ceci and I were talking and I told her they must start an adult division of the camp. I told her my experience as a teenager changed my life. I kept being on the verge of tears (I am still on the verge of tears).

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I heard that wonderful seminar by Prof Rao this past week and it's changing how I see my job, where I've been really restless and unhappy for some time. After his seminar I am much more appreciative of what I have, and got a plan (the once a month challenge - increase my responsibilities in an area I like).

iraq dream

i was staying at a hotel in iraq. (reminded me of the dream where huge tidal waves were coming at us, knocking down all the hotels on the beach). i was walking along the street, which ran along the beach. all of a sudden, jets started blanketing the sky, filling it with smoke. it was terrifying. then i saw parachuters land. they ran toward us. "i am an american citizen!" i yelled. he told me i must go and get my passport and all of my things. so i ran to the hotel and took the elevator up. on the way i heard a man crying, that he was an iraqi and what was he going to do. i got all of my stuff, debated which pocket to put my passport in, and then ran down the stairs. the soldier met me and we all hustled away. (i started waking up toward the end of this dream)
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with dr riccio i was talking about ocs and what could be behind it. "a feeling of a loss of control," she said. "that's what makes you want to be in control all the time." that made so much sense. i feel like i'm always trying to get in control of things just beyond my control. even if that's not the reality.

most confusing dream ever

i felt silly explaining this one to dave in the morning.
hanging out with christian who was cool, complaining about stupid christian bullshit
first at an outdoor event, then it was a wedding. charlotte from sex and the city was the bride. christian complained about how stupid weddings are, too much money and stress, etc. charlotte agreed with the stress. i gave her a massage.
then i was in the ocean. on a cruise. i am swimming in the ocean next to the ship. it abandons us. the scene changes again, but i am swimming with other people. the ship abandons us once more. i can see me and the other person, figuring out what we should do, as we float out there in the middle of the ocean.
then it's amber's wedding. she's wearing a brown cardigan and a bridal veil. we make fun of the wedding some more, dancing on tables and stuff.
the christian and i are now in nyc, it's right after 9/11 or some disaster and people are walking in single file to the train because of whatever dangerous situation that had been created. we pass a lot of people to get to the subway entrance.

anniversary dreams

our one-year commitment anniversary was this weekend. i've been helping dave with getting a job, and also seeing dr. r again. i read an article about a girl with eating disorders and an object relations analysis of her case for bobby's class. it was very enlightening to think about how the mother and father, and their troubled relationship, worked to create conflict and anxiety in the girl.

dream 1.
i was driving in a car along the subway lines in queens with dave in the back and someone else in the front. we were trying to reach marie, dave's boss, to tell her something. (dave also dreamt he was telling marie about what she's really like, how annoying and controlling she is.) there was an earlier dream but i forgot what it was.

dream 2.
i had a boyfriend who i really liked, but was kind of young. he had an older brother who looked exactly like him who kept hitting on me. because they looked so much alike it almost felt like it might make no difference if i went for him instead. the difference between the was my boyfriend was sort of wimpy and young. but i was definitely not going for the older guy. then it turned out the boyfriend was a scientologist. i went to a meeting with him and everyone started fellowshipping afterwards. the boyfriend had no idea how annoyed i was, espcially about waiting for him so we could go home.

i went downstairs and on the way tried to call dave, but i got the wrong Dave, who aske me if I would describe myself so he could figure out who i was. i just hung up on him and i went through my cell address book to try and call the real dave. the call didn't happen. so when i got downstairs, i started gathering leftover desserts and surreptitiously giving away all these books they gave me. he finally came down, and it was hinted he would reach the upper levels already, called the "life cycles." all these icoc people were there who were also scientologists and they were ooh aahing when this senior person told the boyfriend that "one day" he would be in the life cycles.

then i saw this guy from my job who i really like, but he had MS and was walking around in crutches looking gangly and horrible. i gave him a big hug, and when he went somewhere else to hug people i cried and sobbed. meanwhile the boyfriend was still clueless about what i had seen and tried to comfort me. i was so MAD that he was a scientologist, and was relieved to see my real boyfriend dave, the atheist, waking me up. i told him i was so HAPPY he wasn't a scientologist !!

recurring attack in dream

my social anxiety disorder ... dave and i were at a dinner last night where i felt like i looked shy and dumb. he said i see myself wrong, that i sound brilliant and ask wonderful questions and listen well also. it's our anniversary today. :)

FBI or Charlie manson-like followers surround our house (the one on barnwood). The back door is open, the garage door is open, and I'm trying to close both. I also try to dial 911 but it doesnt work.
This time, mom's in the kitchen and I ask her to close the backdoor and garage. I see people through the back windows. She's making food and doesn't believe me. I do try to do it all myself. The garage door is closing but people are able to get underneath. I realize in the dream that I don't have any weapons, so I go back into the dream with machine guns. But all I can do is shoot around them, I can't shoot them except maybe to hit someone's arm or foot.

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I was working for an elementary school as some type of teacher/administrator, and I had a rebellious brother who I had to give a job. He had a huge monstrous fire-power type car that he parked outside the school. So his job was to watch these two girls after school. I asked the girls to tell me if he is ever inappropriate or weird. Sure enough, they tell me he spoke sexually with them. So I tried to find a private room for us to talk about and document the incident, but there were classes, teachers' lounges, etc. only filled with people, no empty rooms. Finally we did find a room and then I woke up.