dave's friend terry has the most adorable baby in the universe, Kiera... sje looks like a little kewpie doll. dave was nervous about his friend's g/f who he was seeing for 1st time after a falling out. went back to his place and chilled with everyone... edwin did pushups in the street and dave almost gave $40 to a driver for $23 ride (!) but he got his money back. i started to feel insecure as i always do in groups... though they are the most chill guys. all of them are so nice and bright and interesting. his friendship with stefan, in particular, is beautiful. i'm so glad i have a best friend too in bobby. i wish i had a group friends like them who had known me from high school in the same city, who have no bullshit when it comes to realness and friendship. dave is so lucky... but i do have my crew: bobby, libre, even the bronx artists... they make up for those sad times.
it's so amazing that i can tell dave how i feel, how i get "antisocial" seeming with groups of people... that i can tell him what hurts me and he doesn't get mad but totally gets it. (**I AM** the luckiest girl in the world!)
i wish i could be as comfortable speaking to a group of people as he is. i love that about him.
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jj ordered some chinese food. i had ordered some special food earlier to coincide at the same time. when our food finally arrived, i looked for the "special" food but couldn't find it at first. right when i was about to get upset, the food showed up at the door (or was it hidden and i found it?)
i was at my "family's" house (not the real one) and i was terrified, trying to hide under the bed because my abusive father (not the real one) was hunting the whole family down. i remembered that he had slashed words into our wrists with a knife. i was so scared, afraid to get found...
i thought i was awake...
later after the incident, i asked dave to come walk w/me to talk about the terrifying incident in the house and the abuse i had encountered with the family (the dream one). he and i went out on amsterdam and i was looking for a good coffee shop.
then we were lying in bed in his apartment, and it turned out his apartment had two floors with a dominican family living above. the dominicans had to come down through his bedroom in order to exit the apartment. they came down, had their coats on as if coming from or going to a party. some went through the door, others to the kitchen to do stuff. finally they all left. i felt annoyed but resigned at the same time, at the inconvenience...
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
i love him
i am totally and ridiculously and wholly in love with dave. i am not afraid. no doubts anymore.... he loves me and wants me and desires me... i feel it down to my bones and i see it in his eyes. i see it and feel it and know it.
i've been looking for you... i've found you. what he whispered to me in the kitchen outside of book club... he says it for me.
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i was in a museum. i was coming down an escalator that led to some
gardens. people were waiting in a line. bobby was in
the line and dave was too.
bobby had a cell phone and he programmed it so that he
could give me some money through it. he handed it to
me. but dave took it from me and added more money to
it; then dave gave it to me.
i've been looking for you... i've found you. what he whispered to me in the kitchen outside of book club... he says it for me.
-----------------
i was in a museum. i was coming down an escalator that led to some
gardens. people were waiting in a line. bobby was in
the line and dave was too.
bobby had a cell phone and he programmed it so that he
could give me some money through it. he handed it to
me. but dave took it from me and added more money to
it; then dave gave it to me.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
ROTK EE
the ongoing themes for me... conflicts about pleasure vs. duty ... an esoteric dream. this is a hard one.
we had seen the EE of ROTK that night. i was crying like crazy at all the scenes, old and new... especially the coronation, and faramir meets eowyn. met the FAPOS for the first time. edwin was loud. i was trying to be loud with him and as it usually happens i came out sounding dumb sometimes. oh it just takes practice...
that same night ** dreamed he was looking for me after a hellish time in grad school earlier in the dream. my "ex," some hot guy was following him like gollum, and asked ** for anal sex. he refused and grabbed/broke a wine bottle to protect himself from the ex.
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i was a little blond boy in a one-room schoolhouse. my teacher had me setting up tables with napkins and plates as "work" in exchange for 5% off my lunch. i as myself had ordered weed from a dealer, who was waiting in the school's basketball court. the teacher told the little blond boy to go to the dealer because he was supposed to be a role model or mentor. when i as little boy went to the basketball court, i saw they were throwing a party for me. bobby was by the court preparing food. there were tables and tables of food.
we had seen the EE of ROTK that night. i was crying like crazy at all the scenes, old and new... especially the coronation, and faramir meets eowyn. met the FAPOS for the first time. edwin was loud. i was trying to be loud with him and as it usually happens i came out sounding dumb sometimes. oh it just takes practice...
that same night ** dreamed he was looking for me after a hellish time in grad school earlier in the dream. my "ex," some hot guy was following him like gollum, and asked ** for anal sex. he refused and grabbed/broke a wine bottle to protect himself from the ex.
-----------------------------------
i was a little blond boy in a one-room schoolhouse. my teacher had me setting up tables with napkins and plates as "work" in exchange for 5% off my lunch. i as myself had ordered weed from a dealer, who was waiting in the school's basketball court. the teacher told the little blond boy to go to the dealer because he was supposed to be a role model or mentor. when i as little boy went to the basketball court, i saw they were throwing a party for me. bobby was by the court preparing food. there were tables and tables of food.